ITDW 23

Jaeri couldn’t understand why things were going so well for him today. He was grateful to Seonyeong’s perverted hyung acquaintance.

“By any chance, is it Minuk-hyung?”

“Are you crazy? How could I say something like that to my hyung? What would he think of me?”

“Ah. Really? Well, then. When can you give it to me?”

“I’ll probably be able to get it around Christmas. The hyung said he’d contact me.”

“Wow, seriously, how is there nothing you can’t do? You’re amazing, truly amazing.”

Jaeri praised Seonyeong profusely with his flat language. He hadn’t praised others much, so he didn’t know how to express it naturally. Seonyeong simply ate the grilled croaker in front of her without a reply. Neither Jaeri nor Seonyeong particularly enjoyed formal Korean meals, but since Jungyoon had chosen the menu, neither of them had any complaints.

Lying in bed and rolling around, Jaeri enjoyed a pure happiness without any black spots for the first time in a long while. The enjoyable things to come are happiness in the present. Because no one knows what will happen when that event becomes a reality in the future, one enjoys it in the present.

He’ll go to Chuncheon with his hyung for Christmas, and once there, he’ll eat delicious food, visit the elementary and middle schools he attended, and since that house is a bit cold, he’ll sleep pressed right up against his hyung, and before Christmas comes, he’ll get the dildo from Seonyeong, and, ah, also, he gets along so well with the new doctor, so if the doctor is a good talker and reduces his medication, the hypomania might last a bit longer, and then, when he sleeps with his hyung, maybe, just maybe.

“Ah… I’m so… lewd… Ugh…”

Maybe he could work up the courage to touch his hyung’s. Jaeri buried his head in his pillow and made a strange sound.

On the surface, Jaeri had changed his strategy to target a ‘heterosexual man’ instead of a ‘homosexual hyung,’ but since he couldn’t come up with a plan to target that heterosexual man at all, he kept wanting to put his original plan into practice. It seemed to be either because he had read that plan so many times that it was engraved in his subconscious, or because it was being implemented unexpectedly well.

A notification sound indicated that the car had arrived. Jaeri, who had been blushing alone with his pleasant fantasies in bed, shot up and darted outside. Standing at the entrance, he waited for his hyung to come up quickly. Finally, the door opened.

“You’re home, hyung.”

He greeted him cheerfully, but his hyung’s face as he looked at him was somewhat cold. The smell of the wind that had clung to his coat from outside seemed to have seeped into his gaze as well. He looked Jaeri up and down and then tossed out a comment.

“You look thrilled.”

He was thrilled, but why was that…

“…Yes.”

“Follow me in.”

His hyung threw his briefcase to the floor as if flinging it. The buckle of the briefcase came undone, and a few sheets of paper could be seen spilling out. He headed straight for the study. Jaeri, feeling a little intimidated by his hyung’s unconcealed sharp demeanor, followed him, looking only at his broad back.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I did well in the consultation at the hospital, and although I asked to change my medication, I said I had to get hyung’s permission to change it. And I just ate with Seonyeong and came home.

He sat down in the chair in the study. He loosened the knot of his neatly tied necktie, messed up the sharp lines of his perfectly tailored coat, and simply sat comfortably like a predator, having let go of all tension.

Jaeri stood in front of him, but unable to bear the heavy atmosphere, he knelt on his own. The scent of his hyung’s cologne had always felt comforting, but now it felt suffocating, as if it were pressing down on his shoulders and forcing him to his knees. What did I do wrong…

“How was the new hospital you went to today?”

“It was good…”

“I see.”

Jaeri looked up at him. It was difficult to read his expression. It was as if he had intentionally erased any light from his eyes.

“Jaeri, when I was saying my final goodbyes to Doctor Han, we talked about some points to be careful about.”

“Yes.”

“He urged me to provide you with good sex education since your sexual impulses could be strong. It would be troublesome for me if a person of the Hanyoung family has a promiscuous private life. Right?”

“…That, yes.”

Sexual impulses? Promiscuous private life? For a moment, his train of thought felt as if it had hit a stone, and it faltered. All other thoughts disappeared, and to solve the issue of that stone, various hypotheses were put forth simultaneously. Did he find out about the dildo proxy purchase? The bodyguard standing next to me might have heard it. I only mouthed it, but he could have figured out it was a dildo after hearing the context that followed. January 1st, symbolizing adulthood, the perverted hyung, an item that had to be asked for. A tense shiver ran down Jaeri’s back.

But at the words that followed, Jaeri couldn’t even feel his tense body.

“Shall we be honest with hyung? Jaeri, do you like men?”

“……”

He was so shocked he couldn’t even think to hide his expression and just stared at him with eyes that transparently showed his inner thoughts. He unconsciously tried to read his hyung’s gaze, then consciously stopped.

“Liking men isn’t a bad thing, so tell me.”

“…Hyung.”

Tears began to well up in Jaeri’s eyes. He couldn’t understand why he was asking such a thing. You just said I shouldn’t be promiscuous… is he going to scold me, does he think I’m dirty, is he going to have me committed to a mental hospital? How, did you know?

“Hm? Is it okay for hyung to not know something about Jaeri?”

“No, it’s not…”

“Right.”

He raised his eyebrows and put silent pressure on Jaeri. To answer. Jaeri knew. Hyung already knows everything.

A tear trickled from Jaeri’s eye. It was a purely physiological tear. It was a tear to wash away some emotions before receiving a sentence, a tear to brace for the disposition.

“…I, …like, men.”

“I see. Why is it so hard for you to say that? It’s not even a bad thing.”

He said it affectionately. Jaeri could tell. This affection was fake.

“…Don’t you find it strange?”

A stepbrother who is bipolar and gay. How could one describe it other than strange, and unfamiliar?

“Not at all. That’s different for everyone. Well then, Jaeri, is there a man you like right now?”

“…I don’t want to say…”

“You don’t want to?”

Jungyoon smiled. As expected, a fake smile.

“…I’m sorry.”

“You don’t want to?”

Shall I make it so you can never say such an insolent thing again?

His repeating voice sank low. He revealed his cruel nature without hiding it.

Those eyes that were calmly looking at him were frightening. Because they were eyes that were observing, wondering how to handle this.

Jaeri felt like he had to say something, but his mind was completely blank, so for a while, he just repeatedly opened and closed his lips. He hoped his hyung would be unable to bear his silence and break it in some way, but his hyung only waited patiently.

“…I’m ashamed…. Hyung, I’m sorry, but, I, I can like someone in my heart, can’t I…. Just thinking about it, thinking about it, I don’t need to get, get hyung’s permission for everything… right….”

Even as he spoke, Jaeri knew he wouldn’t be able to persuade Jungyoon at all. That’s why he stuttered and that’s why he tried to draw out his words more. His heart ached. This situation where he was being misunderstood as wanting to hide it when he wasn’t hiding it because he wanted to, when he didn’t want to hide it.

Jaeri mustered his courage. He wanted to see his eyes. He looked at his eyes.

Eyes that did not hide their anger.

“I’m a bit, disappointed.”

“……”

“You’re drawing a line between you and me.”

At those words, Jaeri moved closer to his side on his knees and grabbed his large hand. His hyung didn’t shake off his hand and just let it be held. He held the hand that let itself be held like a lifeline. He held back a sob, unable to even grip it tightly for fear it would break if he held it too hard.

He held on to say that wasn’t it, but he had nothing to say, so he lowered his head, then only moved his lips, then looked up at his hyung, frightened by the situation that couldn’t be resolved in any way. His eyes were still angry. He was scared of him in a different sense, and he was sad because there was a mixed expression of genuine disappointment.

Why am I gay, why do I like my hyung? Why do I have no shame? Why did I, knowing it was impossible, get excited and happy and make plans and do meaningless things on my own? Why is my heart so cold that I can’t like anyone other than my hyung? Why was I born like this? The only person who would have blessed my birth was my hyung. Why is he, my family and my hyung.

He cried like a child. All other forms of expression were restricted. So he cried like a child who hadn’t learned the skill of expressing his feelings in words, like a child whose only method of communication was getting irritated and crying. He remembered his hyung who had understood all his feelings even when he just cried like this.

However, Jungyoon looked coldly at Jaeri, who was crying while holding his hand tightly as if it were something precious, and asked.

“That person, is he heterosexual?”

“……”

“I, need to give you some good sex education. So that our Jaeri doesn’t get hurt. Right?”

His eyes were colder than ever.

Jaeri looked at him through a vision blurred with water. He couldn’t see clearly in front of him. He could only tell that his voice had been chilly. Unable to even answer, Jaeri, who was just letting tears flow as they came, was watched for a moment by his hyung, who then took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his tears.

When Jaeri, with his vision cleared of water, looked at his hyung again, his hyung held the dry side to his nose.

“Blow.”

At the words spoken as if soothing a child, he blew his nose too. He couldn’t guess his hyung’s inner thoughts. Jaeri did not take his eyes off him. Jaeri himself, however, had no energy to hide anything and had eyes as pure as the first snow.

Seeing those eyes, Jungyoon smiled faintly. There was a hint of cruelty somewhere in that smile. A corner of his heart throbbed at the sharpness he didn’t even bother to hide.

Jaeri understood that he was angry. Although he didn’t know the route, his hyung had found out that he liked someone, especially a man. He didn’t know whether the fact that the object of his affection was a man, or the fact that he liked someone his hyung didn’t know, had angered him more.

However, both were things outside of his control. They must have been outside of his expectations. Jaeri thought that his hyung would have been angry for that reason alone. He always wanted Jaeri to show him everything inside him transparently.

He stood up from the chair. He took off his coat, draped it carelessly over the chair, and was about to leave the room. Jaeri stood up to follow him. His legs, which he had been kneeling on, were numb, and he momentarily staggered, but his hyung caught him by the arm.

Perhaps because blood was suddenly circulating to a place where it hadn’t been, he couldn’t put his full weight on his feet and walked with a limp, but his hyung continued to hold his arm firmly.

He asked abruptly.

“What’s your relationship with that person, are you dating?”

It was in a tone as if he wasn’t particularly curious, as if he were just asking about tomorrow’s weather, but Jaeri knew he had to answer this question.

“It’s a one-sided crush. He doesn’t even know I like him.”

Jungyoon gripped Jaeri’s shoulder tightly. Pure anger was revealed in the strength of his grip. Just as Jaeri was about to twist his shoulder in pain, his hyung asked.

“Jaeri, what will you do if that person asks you to sleep with him?”

“……”

He couldn’t answer, not because the answer was difficult. It was just that he didn’t want to answer because the question seemed to be based on the premise that ‘you are promiscuous.’

At Jaeri’s lack of response, his hyung laughed as if it were ridiculous. He turned around to face Jaeri. His fingers slowly intertwined with Jaeri’s hand like an ivy vine. Soon, the linked hands gently untangled and moved up, as if to inspect, carefully stroking behind his ear, and teasingly pinching his earlobe between his fingers. When Jaeri flinched, it now moved past his shoulder and slowly swept over his collarbone.

Flustered, Jaeri let out a big breath and twisted his body.

The large hand twisted his nipple as if to pinch it lightly.

“Ah, hyung…”

Now he couldn’t even breathe.

Jaeri tried to shove his hand away, but before he could, the hand that had left his nipple moved up to his buttocks. His heart pounded. With his toes tensed, Jaeri’s face turned bright red and he lowered his head. He wondered if that hand would grope his buttocks, but there were no more unexpected actions. His hand, as if it had done nothing, detached itself from Jaeri’s body cleanly. Instead, the voice of an angry man was heard.

“Kim Jaeri.”

“…Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“…Pardon?”