ITDW 25

Jaeri quietly let out a shallow sigh and, with his back held ramrod straight with tension, unknowingly gripped the edge of the tablecloth slightly. When Chairman Kim resumed eating after having paused, the atmosphere eased a little. Jaeri, also feeling the focused gazes dispersing from him, let go of the tablecloth he was holding and started eating again.

From time to time, their father would ask after his children’s well-being, and the atmosphere grew comfortably relaxed. Jungyoon answered on Jaeri’s behalf regarding his well-being. Jaeri, feeling his back getting a bit stiff, lightly rested his elbow on the table. Jungyoon’s gaze, which had been quietly exchanging words with their father, landed on Jaeri.

“Kim Jaeri. Don’t make me keep pointing out your posture.”

“…I’m sorry.”

Jaeri checked his own posture and lowered his elbow from the table. He was embarrassed to be repeatedly corrected on his table manners. He lowered his head just enough not to seem strange, but the attention of several people landed on him sharply.

“Oppa.”

“Yoonjae.”

As if answering her call, Jungyoon called his sister’s name affectionately. When Yoonjae scoffed in disbelief with a “Ha,” and frowned, he smiled warmly at his younger sister. He said in a proud voice.

“Father, Yoonjae has done something big at the company this time.”

Chairman Kim looked at Jungyoon as if to say ‘tell me more,’ while also giving a quick glance at Yoonjae.

“Since she’s with Haesung, we couldn’t seat her as the project leader, but for the follow-up merger, I’m thinking of organizing a task force and seating her as the leader.”

“…Did you ask Jungyoon for a favor?”

Chairman Kim asked Yoonjae suggestively.

“No…. This is the first I’m hearing of it today, too. And I’m busy, oppa.”

Yoonjae replied, slightly bewildered. Jungyoon, seeing Yoonjae’s expression, laid out Yoonjae’s accomplishments fluently in front of Chairman Kim.

“It’s because I’ve heard so many good things.”

“Is that so?”

“From my perspective as well, Attorney Kim’s contribution was significant in establishing the framework for the legal office’s strategic planning on this matter. Attorney Kim’s case analysis skills are outstanding. The initial plan was to simply go with a stock merger, but under Attorney Kim’s lead, they compared and reviewed the squeeze-out system, and it’s said they made the legal judgment that that route was more advantageous. It’s not just because she’s my sister, but isn’t she just so lovely, doing her job this well?”

At Jungyoon’s words, a pleased smile formed on Chairman Kim’s lips. Yoonjae was proud of her oppa’s excessive praise, but she also felt embarrassed for some reason and lowered her head. To be honest, she didn’t think she had done that well….

“I want to keep entrusting her with this line of work, but a title of this level is, by all means, too light.”

Jungyoon’s words held the implication of asking what he thought about firmly verifying Yoonjae’s abilities with the follow-up task force, and then bringing her into the company to entrust her with greater responsibilities.

“Yoonjae, what are your thoughts?”

Chairman Kim had also been curious, as Yoonjae herself had never expressed whether or not she had any intention of joining the Hanyoung Group. Haesung Law Firm, where Yoonjae belonged, was the top law firm in Korea and the law firm of Madam Gye’s family. If he were to be greedy, he hoped his smart daughter would take an interest in Hanyoung’s business, but since Yoonjae enjoyed her own work so much, Chairman Kim intended to respect Yoonjae’s wishes.

“Help me out a little, Yoonjae.”

While Yoonjae was contemplating how to respond, he looked at his younger sister with affectionate eyes and said.

“…It is sudden, but I’m learning a lot from this project as well. I’d be grateful if you’d have me.”

While the three of them discussed the specifics of the work, Jaeri couldn’t understand much of it. He ate quietly, being careful not to violate dining etiquette and not letting the tension in his straightened back loosen. It was comfortable that no one was paying attention to him.

However, there was something stuck in his throat like a fishbone, scratchy and protruding, that got on his nerves. The thought, ‘Hyung must really hate that I’m gay,’ would not leave him.

Even after coming home, Jaeri stood in front of the mirror in the living room and looked at his shortened hair for a long time. It’s awkward. Jungyoon came and stood behind him. Jaeri spoke to his hyung, who was reflected in the mirror.

“…It’s the first time I’ve had my hair this short.”

“Short hair is clean and nice.”

Clean… Jaeri mulled over the single word that came from his mouth. As he thought, his hyung probably thinks being gay is dirty.

Jungyoon stroked Jaeri’s short hair. Although there was no hair flowing between his fingers, the short texture of the fine hair was soft. Jungyoon spoke to Jaeri as if he had suddenly remembered something.

“Have you ever masturbated anally? Do you know how to sterilize the tools?”

“…I haven’t.”

At the sudden question, he thought, here we go again. Not a single day had passed without that ‘sex education.’ But that sex education was surprisingly informative, yet also so uncomfortably graphic that it made him confused as to whether his hyung was truly accepting of him being gay or not. Judging by his severely cold attitude lately, it was likely the latter….

While Jaeri was blankly waiting for the impending humiliation, his hyung brought over a cucumber on a tray. He placed the tray on the living room table, brought over sterilizing cotton swabs, rubbing alcohol, lubricant, and a few condoms, and placed them all on the tray. Seeing this, Jaeri obediently sat in the chair in front of the living room table. His hyung sat opposite him.

“First of all, you’ll be scolded if you masturbate with something like this.”

“…Yes.”

He had once thought about trying it with a cucumber, as it seemed the dildo was still far from arriving. He had even taken it out of the refrigerator, but he stopped because the surface was too bumpy and scary.

“This is just an example. Just watch.”

Jungyoon tore open a sterilizing cotton swab, soaked it as if pouring the disinfectant on it, and wiped the surface of the cucumber.

“Even if you sterilize the tool, you should wash it clean with water before that.”

“Yes.”

He tore open a condom wrapper and put it over the cucumber. Then he took that condom off again and threw it away. Jungyoon handed the bare cucumber and a new condom to Jaeri. Jaeri, understanding Jungyoon’s meaning, tore open the condom wrapper and put it over the cucumber himself. He held it for a moment, then, not knowing what to do, gave it to his hyung. Jungyoon meticulously inspected the condom-covered cucumber as if to check if it was put on correctly, then squeezed a large dollop of lubricant onto it and spread it around.

“There is some lubricant on the condom, but it’s a small amount, so apply more separately.”

“Yes.”

“Hand.”

Jungyoon placed the properly prepared cucumber on the tray and spoke. When Jaeri held out a hand to him, Jungyoon folded Jaeri’s index finger over his thumb. It was a shape where only the thumb and index finger among the five fingers were folded.

While Jaeri was looking at him quizzically, Jungyoon sterilized his fingers, then tore open a new condom wrapper and put it on his index finger.

He held Jaeri’s wrist tightly with one hand as if to fix it in place. Jaeri still couldn’t tell what he was trying to do.

Jungyoon pushed the condom-covered index finger into the gap between the interlocked thumb and index finger. It was not an obscene act at all. It was just that the gesture, inserting the index finger while rotating it as if to penetrate a narrow space, was suggestive of something. Jaeri bit his lip.

“Widen it with your fingers first. Don’t be foolish and think of putting in something big from the start.”

“…Yes.”

Jungyoon’s index finger rotated inside the hole and flicked to the side, widening the hole. As the gap between the un-tensed fingers widened, Jungyoon looked at Jaeri’s face and said.

“Tense up. A real body doesn’t open up that easily.”

As Jaeri blushed and tensed his fingers, the gap in the finger-hole narrowed again. The index finger prodded the area that replicated the structure of a sphincter. The lubricant on the condom’s surface and the skin made a squelching sound. At the obscene sound that had no substance, Jaeri couldn’t lift his head, and the hand that was holding Jaeri’s wrist let go and painfully hit the back of his limply shaking hand.

“Ah!”

“I told you to tense up.”

“…Yes…”

As the finger gap narrowed again, the index finger now prodded forcefully and then shoved in the middle finger as well. Even with him tensing up, the hole widened. Thinking he might get scolded again, he tensed his fingers once more, but now the ring finger also came in, and the hole widened a lot. When the roots of all three fingers touched the flesh between Jaeri’s thumb and index finger, Jungyoon used his remaining thumb and pinky to press and tighten firmly from outside the hole. The strength of his large hand was incredible.

“Tighten like this.”

Jaeri put more strength into his fingers. After a long while, Jungyoon’s fingers pulled out. He had put so much strength into his thumb and index finger that the space between them was tingling.

As soon as Jungyoon’s fingers pulled out, Jaeri tightened the gap between his fingers again. For some reason, he felt that his hyung would want him to. Jungyoon watched intently until it closed completely.

Just as all three fingers were about to come out, suddenly, the three fingers pushed through the gap and entered all the way to the root at once. At the sudden movement, the flesh between his thumb and index finger was painfully stretched and chafed.

As it began a back-and-forth motion, the squelching sound was exceedingly intense amidst the silence, where there was no conversation or noise. Jaeri felt a heat like a haze blooming below his belly. Now, even though he kept trying to tense his fingers, he couldn’t exert the same strength as before. Jaeri swallowed his saliva.

Just as Jaeri’s cheeks were flushed red from overworking muscles he didn’t normally use and continuously forcing strength into them, the fingers slowly pulled out.

He picked up the cucumber. He brought it to the entrance of the once again closed finger gap. The cucumber, slathered with lubricant, was even more slick than his fingers.

“Slowly, you do it slowly.”

He inserted it slowly, just as he said. The place where the muscles ached and had lost strength opened up smoothly. The speed of insertion was excessively slow. He inserted only about 5cm and moved it back and forth a little in that state. Then he inserted the cucumber further, again, excessively slowly.

When the cucumber came out to the other side of Jaeri’s palm, he moved it back and forth slowly. Jaeri, feeling extremely ashamed of the much larger and much more slippery sensation than before, squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. What’s more, its bumpy surface was also gently scratching the palm of his hand.

“Do it at this speed. At first.”

“Yes…”

Jungyoon’s hand continued to move. As the range of friction extended to his palm, the squelching sound changed to a sticky, smacking sound. For a long while like that, the clumsy imitation sex organ tickled the flesh between his thumb and index finger and his palm. The cucumber was almost warm now. It slowly pulled out all the way. He pulled out a tissue and wiped Jaeri’s hand. He also wiped his own hand.

“After this, wash your body clean with water.”

“Yes…”

“Wash the tool with water, then sterilize it one more time before storing it. Put it in a case so dust doesn’t get in.”

“Yes…”

He took both of Jaeri’s hands and examined them carefully.

“Cut your fingernails shorter.”

Jaeri now felt that even a simple ‘yes’ was too difficult. He had been holding something in, and holding it in was too agonizing. Jungyoon stood up as if he had taught what he needed to. Jaeri watched his retreating back, then called out to him, to his back. Even if it bleeds, I have to pull out that fishbone stuck in my throat. There was something he had wanted to say all week.

I’m, not dirty.

“…Hyung.”

“Yes.”

“…I, …even if I, like… men, I’m, not the kind of person, that you’re worried about, hyung.”

His hyung had said in words that homosexuality was not a bad thing, but he saw that Jaeri needed special sex education. He probably couldn’t deny that some prejudice had been placed over his eyes.

He won’t look at me the same way as before now. He won’t hug me, and he’ll avoid physical contact. Because hyung, thinks gay people are dirty and promiscuous.

Jaeri stopped mid-sentence, his throat blocked by a sudden lump of emotion.

But even as he shed tears, Jungyoon stood far away, showing no reaction. He just looked down with a cold gaze, as if to see how long he would cry. There was even a hint of boredom at the edges of it.

Even when he cried, even when he pleaded that it was unfair and asked him to shed his prejudice, he did not answer. His silence made Jaeri look at himself through the eyes of another.

It was to swim out of the lake of the self one has fallen into, and from outside that lake, to look at the objective situation, excluding affection for oneself. This was Jaeri’s method for understanding others. Even when he couldn’t understand at all, this method often made understanding possible.

‘Yes, you must find me repulsive too. Objectively, it makes sense. Stepbrother, bipolar, gay….’

Counting them one by one, Jaeri stopped crying. In front of an indifferent other who was not at all assimilated into the pain of the one suffering from raging emotions and had removed all affection for himself to try to understand the other person. Continuing to show weakness in front of such a person was the same as showing one’s weak points. It was a fact learned through numerous experiences.