ITDW 26

He had barely managed to suppress the most colossal emotion that had arisen, but it had been suppressed by cutting into his own living flesh. It was agonizing that the one person he thought he could no longer show weakness to was his hyung. That loneliness was a familiar ache. Because of this, because I’m gay, again, now, alone.

Jungyoon watched Jaeri and waited. He wanted to see what kind of conclusion Jaeri would reach on his own. He knew well which direction the process of Jaeri getting his emotions in check was flowing.

But that was why it was even harder to hold back his anger.

“Don’t think useless thoughts.”

Jaeri looked up at him.

“Do you think I don’t know what’s going on inside your head?”

“…I.”

“The things I say, don’t interpret them however you want. Listen properly.”

“…Yes.”

“I already told you, liking someone isn’t a bad thing. As your older brother, I’m allowed to worry this much.”

“…Yes.”

Jaeri looked back on whether that had really been ‘worry.’ Reading Jaeri’s doubt, Jungyoon asked him point-blank.

“That person, what kind of person are they?”

His voice was hard and stiff, permitting no retort.

“…Well.”

“Are they straight?”

It was unusual for him to ask again about a matter Jaeri had already closed his mouth on. He didn’t know why it was so important that the person was straight, but he had asked twice. Perhaps his hyung was thinking of something he hadn’t considered. Also, he had told him to trust him. Since I know everything about you, don’t think strange thoughts, and trust me.

“…Yes.”

“Age.”

“…Older than me.”

“How much.”

“…A lot… older than me.”

“Hah, Kim Jaeri.”

Jungyoon, dumbfounded, called his younger brother’s name again. Just where did he meet someone like that.

“…Hyung, I, I’m the only one… who likes him. That person doesn’t know anything.”

Jungyoon smiled, crinkling his eyes as if this were a truly funny story. He suddenly erased his smile and stared straight at Jaeri.

“Jaeri, do I look like I’m joking with you right now?”

“…No.”

“Occupation.”

“…Hyung….”

Jaeri called out to him as if asking him to stop now. But he was firm.

“Making that mouth of yours open is no big deal. How should I do it for you?”

His voice was threatening.

“…I’ll tell you… he’s just… an office worker….”

He narrowed his brow.

“Which company.”

“…But, hyung, what… are you going to do? I’m the only one who likes him, hyung, I just, I just saw him and liked him. I won’t do it anymore. I just liked him because I’m gay. That’s all. That person didn’t do anything bad to me.”

It seemed like if he gave a vague description, Jungyoon would find a person who matched it. But Jungyoon was incredulous at his words. How many times had he told him not to misinterpret things.

“Did I say anything about you liking someone?”

“…But hyung, from the moment I said I liked someone… you’ve been angry.”

“…Why would I be.”

“…Because you hate gay people.”

At Jaeri’s words, Jungyoon looked up at the empty air once and let out a sigh.

“I believe I told you to listen to me properly.”

“Even if you hate gay people, I’m okay. It’s natural for you to hate it,”

“You just don’t get it, do you.”

His voice was suppressed, as if he were barely holding back the urge to chew him up and spit him out right then and there.

“…Then… why are you so angry… Liking someone isn’t a bad thing,”

“It’s not a bad thing. The problem is you not knowing your head from your ass, getting horny for just anyone, and then getting fucked by just anyone.”

“…Hyung, I’m not,”

“I’m telling you to just masturbate properly rather than do that, so what’s there to be so sad about.”

He was sad.

“…I don’t get horny for just anyone….”

Jungyoon came closer to Jaeri, one step at a time.

“If not for just anyone.”

“…I don’t… do that with just anyone… My, my desires… I can’t say I don’t have them. But until now, it’s only ever been… for that one person I like. And, and. I can’t do anything. To that person. Even if I get horny, I can’t. So….”

Jungyoon chuckled sporadically for a while, unable to continue speaking. It was a rare thing for him to be at a loss for words.

“…There are guys like that sometimes. The ones who can’t do a single thing to the person they like, but release their sexual desire elsewhere. All while being moved by their own pure love.”

“……”

“That my lovely Jaeri was that kind of son of a bitch,”

“Hyung,”

“I just didn’t know, did I?”

And I didn’t know you’d say it so brazenly in front of the person you use for sexual release, did I?

With a dangerous look in his eyes, he came right up close and stroked the head of Jaeri, who was sitting in the chair. The unusually affectionate touch was somehow sinister. His hand passed over the head where his fingers caught on nothing, and came down to the nape of his neck.

“…I’ve never thought that way.”

It took Jaeri a long time just to grasp what he was saying.

He did not avoid Jungyoon’s gaze, which was staring as if to dig right into his eyes, and met it head-on.

“It’s true. I’ve never, ever had a thought like that. And I won’t in the future either. I just, when I thought of the person I like, I wanted to… kiss them, and have sex with them. But I can’t, so… it’s that I can’t do it, I’ve never had strange thoughts like using another person as a substitute.”

Jungyoon’s eyes, which were staring at Jaeri, narrowed as if assessing something.

“Why can’t you.”

“…I can’t. He’s a man, for one.”

“And.”

“He’s straight….”

“And.”

“…Just. Because it seems like a bad thing.”

Time flowed as the brothers faced off.

Tension settled densely in the silent time. It felt as if this space would shatter into pieces if even the sound of a pencil dropping were to be made. Jaeri was the first to surrender to the suffocating silence.

“…Hyung,”

“Jaeri.”

“…Yes, hyung.”

“You’re misunderstanding something.”

It’s not me who’s misunderstanding, it’s you, hyung. How do you see me? I just liked a person. The person who’s been the kindest to me until now, I just loved him back. That’s what Jaeri wanted to say.

But then.

“I’m not just an office worker, am I.”

He smiled. It was a winter afternoon, and in the moment the sunlight came flooding into the living room, his face seemed to shine as well.

He—an office worker much older than Jaeri, straight, and above all else—had just realized that he himself was the one and only person Jaeri got horny for.

He thought his eyes had become completely empty. It was reminiscent of that time when his pupils had gone slack, his irises completely covered by black storm clouds. Those eyes of Jaeri, who had been only five years old, had given Jungyoon quite a shock.

For Jungyoon, being able to read people’s emotions well was a weapon. Because of his endlessly sensitive senses, he could easily grasp what emotions and thoughts led a person to say and do certain things, and why. That was the first time he had felt it to be agonizing. A child who was so good and gentle was suffering in silence.

Jungyoon watched Jaeri. Why do you have those eyes now.

With empty eyes, Jaeri staggered up from the chair. He collapsed right in front of Jungyoon who stood before him, kneeling as if slumping to the ground. He placed both hands on his knees, bowed his head, and trembled, unable to say a word. Jungyoon just kept watching Jaeri.

Jaeri with great difficulty uttered a single phrase that defined this situation.

“…I was wrong….”

Silence enveloped the space. The brothers fully felt a discomfort as if they had been placed in an area surrounded by sharp nails on all sides. Both of them had delicate and sensitive senses.

“I was wrong, hyung….”

A faint, pained sob seeped out in his repeating voice. Jungyoon had no reaction, as if to give Jaeri a chance until the very end.

“I, I was wrong, I was wrong, hyung, I, I, forgive… please forgive me, I, hyung….”

An unbearable emotion rose up in his throat, and the muscles in his throat constricted tightly on their own. His crushed throat ached. He repeated the same words until he could no longer say anything. Now his lips moved, but no sound came out.

Jungyoon watched Jaeri’s mouth open and close without a sound. He skillfully hid his taut nerves, which felt like they would snap, and asked in a gentle voice.

“Tell me, what did you do wrong?”

At the gentle inquiry that fell upon his head, Jaeri tensed his shoulders and lowered his head as far as it could go. He had asked. So he had to answer. But he didn’t know what to say. Right… what did I do wrong?

“……”

In that silence, Jungyoon reconfirmed the source of his surging displeasure. He felt awful.

“I asked you a question, why is there no answer?”

His two hands, which had been placed neatly on his knees, could no longer support the weight of his emotion-laden spine and collapsed forward. He braced himself on the floor. His hands weakly grabbed the man’s ankle.

“…Don’t throw me away, hyung,”

His suppressed throat barely managed to eke out the sound to plead. Jungyoon’s expression crumpled violently.