ITDW 30

— Have you had dinner?

“Not yet.”

— I thought so, so I sent one of our hotel’s packed meals with Driver Park.

“Why are you doing something you don’t usually do?”

— I have to look good for my capable little sister.

His voice was uncharacteristically slick.

“You’re giving me the creeps.”

Yoonjae said, unknowingly shrinking her shoulders. It wasn’t a joke. Yoonjae had her clumsy moments, but her intuition was good.

— Doesn’t Yeo Huijeon take care of his girlfriend when she’s working without even eating?

Jungyoon changed the subject. Faced with the sudden attack, Yoonjae defended her lover’s position.

“…He’s busy too. And sometimes he brings takeout sushi and stuff.”

If I had known, I should have refused when he mentioned the packed meal and talked about Huijeon. Yoonjae felt a little regretful. Anyway, she thought he was finding fault with every little thing.

Although it’s still a long way off in the future, if her oppa opposes it, her marriage to Huijeon cannot happen. She thinks it’s unlikely, though.

— Anyway, make sure you eat well while you work.

Yoonjae thought that she must finish this job well. Though she couldn’t be sure, she had a premonition that her oppa was preparing for something.

And that he was kindly giving her a warning right now.

It was a little after 10 p.m. when Jungyoon came home. It was an early return, but as it was the first meeting, it wasn’t a bad idea to leave early. The politicians smiled with kind faces while trying to gauge their opponent’s rank and usefulness. It was necessary to not be dragged along by that and to give a fresh impression.

Jaeri, who used to come out to the entrance to greet him during his hypomanic periods, was nowhere to be seen.

Throughout the evening, the image of Jaeri who had transitioned into depression had been cast like a shadow in Jungyoon’s mind. Seonyeong had checked on Jaeri and returned home at 8:30. Jungyoon took a quick shower and entered Jaeri’s room.

Jaeri was not visible in the brightly lit room. The duvet on the bed was crumpled messily.

“Jaeri, where are you?”

Jungyoon had an idea where Jaeri would be, but he asked first. Soon after, a small, echoing sound came from a narrow space.

“…I’m, in the closet…”

Jungyoon doesn’t bother Jaeri when he’s inside the closet. It was an agreement between them. Jaeri cannot lock his door. Still, if he really wants to be alone, he goes into the closet.

When his depression worsened, Jaeri wanted to have his own space.

Since there were often times when he would lock his door, willing to accept the punishment, Jungyoon had allowed the closet, a safe space, to be Jaeri’s own.

However, Jaeri’s escape was only possible after Jungyoon had finished his inspection.

He opened the closet door. Jaeri, who was sitting inside, came out, and Jungyoon checked if there were any dangerous tools in the closet, for example, a knife, a lighter, or a rope, and also checked Jaeri’s two hands and pockets.

Only a single worn piece of paper was clutched in Jaeri’s hand. Jungyoon pretended not to see it. He himself knew very well what it was. The letter he had sent to America 13 years ago. The certificate in which he promised to come get him, and the only reply that came back out of the four letters young Jeremy had sent to his family.

While Jungyoon was checking, the two said nothing and did not even make eye contact. Jungyoon opened the closet door for him again, and Jaeri went in. Jungyoon closed the door for him.

“When you’re done thinking, come to me.”

“…Okay.”

Jaeri answered from inside the closet.

Two hours later, already past midnight, Jaeri stood for a moment in front of Jungyoon’s darkened room before trying to return to his own room.

“Come in.”

Jaeri flinched, surprised by the voice coming from inside, as if he knew.

It would have been better if you had just been sleeping without knowing.

When he went before him, who had just sat up, Jungyoon turned on the table lamp next to the bed. The room became dimly bright.

“Um, if you were sleeping,”

Jaeri mumbled, feeling like he had woken him up.

“I have something to talk about with my little brother.”

There was no trace of sleep in his voice. At those firm words, Jaeri lowered his head. He had no idea how to treat his hyung. He, in his hypomanic state, had stirred up a big mess, but he hadn’t known he would have to clean it up during his depressive period. The only follow-up action he took at the very end of his hypomanic period was to simply recall the nice things his hyung had said to him and check off item 4. Kissing in the ‘Hypomania Utilization Plan’.

Still, he did not regret what he had done during his hypomanic period. He had simply tied up a loose end that he would have had to do once in his life anyway.

“…Yes.”

“Sit.”

At his words, Jaeri slid down and sat at his feet. Now he looked down at Jaeri.

“You may want to pretend you don’t know, but don’t you have something to say to me too?”

He was relaxed. Only Jaeri was troubled, not knowing what to say. The only topic they needed to talk about right now was that kiss they had impulsively shared yesterday.

Things like the circumstances that led to the kiss, as the one who initiated it, what he was thinking while kissing, and what would be best to do from now on.

Rather than discussing such things and adjusting their future, Jaeri just wanted to follow whatever he decided. When Jaeri couldn’t say anything, he ruffled his hair. The touch was not particularly gentle.

Jaeri’s hair stuck out in all directions, making him look like a rebel. Because he had gentle eyes, it looked cute.

“You’re the one who started this, don’t you have anything to say?”

Jaeri really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to ask for forgiveness for doing something wrong. Yesterday, he had been scolded for asking for forgiveness for something he didn’t even think was wrong.

At the repeated questions, he decided to just state his honest feelings.

“…I, just, …want to do as you say, hyung… Is that not okay?”

At least his hyung said he wouldn’t abandon him. If so, he could accept whatever decision he made.

Jaeri looked up at him. Sitting on the bed, he was looking down at him. He seemed expressionless, but Jaeri could tell. There were times he could read his expression and times he couldn’t, but this time it was certain.

He is satisfied.

“Good boy. It’s as I expected, too.”

Jaeri looked at him with puzzled eyes at his words, then quickly dropped his head.

He leaned his upper body toward Jaeri. He cupped Jaeri’s cheeks with his two large hands, lifted his face, and gave him a short kiss on the forehead. His cheeks, pressed by the large hands, felt like they were being squished. It seemed he was deliberately pressing his cheeks like that. Jaeri felt a ticklish sensation, but not knowing what action would be okay, he just closed his eyes once and then opened them.

The faint light from the table lamp shone on him. He couldn’t tell if he couldn’t see him well because the room was dark, or because his own vision was growing hazy.

It felt like he could hear the ticking of a clock, but he realized it was the sound of his own pulse throbbing in his ears. Because his hyung’s large hand was covering even his ear, the sound of his rapidly beating pulse echoed in his eardrum.

Jungyoon was silent for a while.

“I, Jaeri.”

“Yes, hyung.”

“And you, you were never ordinary to begin with. Do you know that?”

“…Yes.”

Is hyung strange too? Jaeri had thought only he was strange. But since he said so, he accepted it.

“And up until now, we’ve just, lived as we pleased.”

“Yes.”

Jaeri couldn’t clearly understand what it meant to have lived as they pleased. Still, he didn’t think he had lived his life being forced to do things he disliked or forcibly suppressing things he wanted to do. For Jaeri, there was only one such case. When his hyung gave an order. But since he didn’t dislike following that order, that case had to be excluded.

“We’re going to keep doing that from now on, will you follow me well?”

“…Yes.”

Jaeri’s heart pounded even before he could interpret the meaning of his words. The only thing Jaeri could know for sure was that he had said he wouldn’t care about the public eye or conventions.

As Jaeri looked at him with dreamy eyes, he tapped his cheek with his index finger.

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?”

Jaeri just smiled. Even if he didn’t know for sure, it seemed like it would be okay.

“It means I’m really going to do whatever I want with you. Without considering your circumstances.”

Jaeri rubbed his cheek against his hand. Although he didn’t know exactly what his intention was, it also seemed that what he wanted and what he wanted were aligned.

How would hyung do as he pleased with him? Would he try to kiss him? Or he could take his hand and make him touch his genitals.

Jaeri, with his limited imagination, couldn’t think of many things, but even within that narrow scope of imagination, he was overwhelmed.

He had received approval for who he was, just as he is, from the person he loves. At the very least, he could express his feelings for his hyung without hiding them. So he was deeply moved. But continuously, it didn’t feel real. It was an unbelievable thing.

Jaeri did not yet know that he would unleash an affection of the same kind toward him. Still, it was good enough.

Jungyoon helped Jaeri up and this time gave him several short bird kisses on the lips.

Sitting at the breakfast table in the morning, Jaeri was silent. He looked at the fruit placed in front of him and picked at it one by one. Even then, he couldn’t eat well, as if he had no motivation at all. Jungyoon thought that starting tomorrow, he should give him juice for breakfast for a while.

Jaeri, feeling Jungyoon’s gaze on him, pretended not to notice and ate quietly, looking only at the table.

“What’s the plan for today?”

“Nothing.”

Jaeri answered quietly. And he confessed what had been bothering him.

“…Yesterday, Seonyeong came over to hang out. I didn’t get your permission, hyung, but he came over so…”

“If something like that happens, you should have informed me immediately.”

“Yes…”

“Why didn’t you?”

When he looked at him, he had a stern expression.

“……”

Jaeri bit his lip. It was just the day before yesterday. Just the day before yesterday, his head wasn’t like this. The head that had been working vividly was now sluggish, making it difficult to say anything easily. That, too, was frightening. He has to speak well to his hyung. He sometimes gets scolded fiercely for misspeaking.

“…Well, …I thought, he would leave soon. …Even if he just dropped by, I have to tell you, hyung… I was wrong…”

Jaeri carefully put down his fork. Jungyoon placed the fork back in his hand. Keep eating.

“What did you do with Seonyeong?”

“We just… hung out before he left.”

While answering Jungyoon’s question, Jaeri couldn’t bring himself to look at Jungyoon’s face. He didn’t have the courage to face him.

“Jaeri. Raise your head and look at hyung.”

Jaeri, who understood all of Jungyoon’s words as commands, looked at his face with difficulty.

“How many hours did you sleep yesterday?”

“…About, fifteen hours.”

“You didn’t sleep well during your hypomanic period, so you must have slept soundly.”

“…Yes.”

As the word ‘hypomania’ came out of Jungyoon’s mouth, Jaeri’s head dropped sharply. A faint heat began to rise in his face.