ITDW 9

Jungyoon tickled the bridge of Jaeri’s nose and said. The nose was high but small and smooth.

“This teacher you’re going to meet this time is really a good person.”

“Yes.”

He knew that Dr. Han was skilled in his field, but unlike his prickly exterior, he was a person with a warm heart. Moreover, he had a persistent curiosity about individuals’ inner worlds. There was a high possibility that he would empathize with Jaeri’s deep-rooted depression. He was a person with a broad scope of acceptance, like the sea. Jungyoon had dated him briefly as lovers once, so he had hesitated, but in the end, he contacted him.

“Do you have plans to go out today?”

“I’ll stay home.”

Of course, currently Jaeri was not in a condition to go out anywhere, but more than that, his desire to stick by Jungyoon’s side all day was greater, so he said that. His hyung tended to treat him affectionately after scolding him severely, and today happened to be his day off. Jungyoon had been busy lately too, but Jaeri could not even remember when they had spent long hours together due to his college entrance exam studies.

“And hyung? What plans do you have today? Will you stay home?”

Jaeri asked rapidly da-da-da.

“…It’s the manic-depressive period. You probably have no fears.”

Jungyoon’s words, which were hard to understand immediately, contained no trace of humor. Jaeri closed his mouth at the gaze looking down at him as if observing. He straightened up his body, which had been leaning against him until then, and sat properly.

“…Hyung,”

“Who’s asking whose plans right now? So rude.”

At the sudden rebuke that dropped, Jaeri did not know what words to say or how to say them.

“…I, just… just….”

Jaeri’s face turned red, and he mumbled before hanging his head deeply. However, the other person looking at that sight showed no emotion on his face. He just spoke in his still low and soft voice.

“The words ‘I was wrong’ don’t come out right away.”

“……”

“You.”

“I was wrong.”

“Kim Jaeri.”

“I, was wrong, hyung….”

Jungyoon let out a low sigh at the words spoken without even being able to lift the deeply bowed head.

“I have a lot of things to handle today, so can you stay quietly at home. As much as possible, without even making breathing sounds.”

It meant to shut up and not appear in front of his eyes.

“…Should I not come out of the room?”

“Yeah.”

Jungyoon closed his eyes and pressed firmly on his temple with his hand before releasing. Jaeri stayed still for a moment, unable to say anything.

As Jaeri sat on the sofa without moving, he whispered with his eyes closed.

“Stay obediently inside. If you can’t, I’ll give you a sleeping pill.”

“…Yes.”

He urged again to stay quiet in a tone without any inflection and even added a threat. Even without going that far, Jaeri really intended to stay quiet. Jaeri’s manic-depressive symptoms were not severe if he took his medication, and especially when he was with Jungyoon, he showed an even more stable state. There was no need for him to treat him this harshly. His mood plummeted toward the bottom in an instant.

Jaeri got up from the sofa and trudged away to disappear into his room. Jungyoon folded the newspaper he was reading with a thud and turned on his laptop.

Jaeri tried not to let the bad thoughts that kept protruding come out. His hyung had just said ‘Just stay quiet. Or do you want to sleep?’ so he tried to reframe the situation. But his smart mind told him that it was really ‘You’re talkative and bothersome during your manic-depressive phase, so get lost a bit.’ No matter who said such words to him, he was confident he would not bat an eye. However, hearing them from his hyung was disconcerting.

He knew that no matter what appearance he showed, his hyung was the only person who would look at him with affection. Even so,

“This is all because of those bastards Park Jinsu and Yang Hyunjun….”

It would have been better if his hyung did not know about that appearance.

Jaeri realized that he was being punished. Even though it was lunchtime, his hyung did not call for Jaeri. He did not starve Jaeri unless it was punishment. Jaeri swallowed saliva a few times needlessly and went to the bathroom attached to the room to drink tap water. He was the type who drank a lot of water anyway. Due to the side effects of the medication he took, he had thirst, but since it was not a severe side effect, he endured it.

There was nothing to do in the room. All the books were study books, there was no computer, of course no TV, and his cell phone was in Jungyoon’s hands. He had brought it to him because he told him to bring it without explaining the reason.

Jaeri sat quietly on the room floor and felt the warmth of the floor. He traced the pattern of the flooring with his fingertips. He repeated that hundreds of times, and then a growl came from his empty stomach. Sitting alone slumped on the floor somehow made him feel melancholic.

Suddenly, he saw himself overlapping with the child who had fallen on the floor. An unnecessary chill tried to invade him. He pressed his lips tightly together. He tried to hurriedly build his own dam to endure it, but that glass wall-like castle gate crumbled in an instant at some point, and bad memories swarmed toward him like wild beasts in a flash.

Bad memories always started from ‘that scene.’ The scene where he first realized that his mother hated him.

Ms. Min pushed the five-year-old young Jaeri hard to the floor. The child fell hard on the studio floor. It happened during a family photo shoot, the moment Jaeri had slightly leaned his shoulder against her. Unfortunately, at that time, the child had looked into his mother’s eyes. In those lake-like eyes, inexplicable disgust was rippling.

While the child could not move for a moment because his knee hurt, Jungyoon hurriedly approached the child. Seeing his hyung approaching, the child stood up as if nothing had happened before his hyung could help him up and stood in front of the camera with a big smile. He felt that if he did not do so, his mother would be in trouble somehow.

The photo taken like that was burned by Jungyoon one day. It was the day Yoon-jae had said that Jaeri in that photo was as cute as Puss in Boots from Shrek. The young irises of the mixed-race child were so light in color that they clearly revealed the black pupils. In the photo, Jaeri was smiling broadly. Under the bright studio lighting, those black pupils, having lost their function, filled the irises completely.

Jaeri was a child of few words. After that day, he had only attempted to cling wordlessly to his mother a few times. Each time, Ms. Min’s eyes remained the same as she pushed him away, saying “You’re a big kid now, why do you keep bothering people like this.” The young child told himself, let’s stop now. Checking further would only make it colder.

Soon after, when Ms. Min suggested abandoning Jaeri in America and Chairman Kim agreed, Jaeri gained conviction in his hypothesis that ‘people speak more honestly with their eyes.’

It was not good. Once he started recalling such memories, he would reminisce too much about that time when he could not defend himself at all and got hurt as much as he was hurt. The first scene was always his mother’s that gaze. That damn gaze was excessively clear, as if preserved by being photographed, revealing its presence so vividly as if urging him to bring it out quickly.

Jaeri dropped his head. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.

Even though he stopped thinking, the temperature of his suddenly frozen heart did not melt quickly and complained of the cold. The bad memory left its faint shadow this time as well, inevitably.

Jaeri blinked his eyes. He hurriedly grabbed hold of thoughts of his hyung. His hyung adores him. He could tell by looking into his hyung’s eyes. I just need hyung, just hyung. Jaeri repeated that to warm his heart.

There are many people who are not loved by anyone. If he had not had his hyung, would he have been such a person.

“I was lucky.”

Even if no one is by someone’s side, it is not because of that person’s fault. It was not Jaeri’s fault that Jaeri’s mother did not love Jaeri. Likewise, even if someone is by your side, it is not because that person is good. It is just good luck.

Jungyoon lifted Jaeri, who was curled up sleeping on the floor instead of the bed, and hugged him up.

“Jaeri.”

“Hyung….”

“Did you have a bad dream.”

“…A good dream.”

“Then why are you crying.”

“…Because it’s good.”

Jaeri’s eyes were sunk low. When Jungyoon did not ask the reason and just patted Jaeri, Jaeri buried his head in that embrace and stayed there for a long time.

Dinner was beef stew and mashed potatoes. It was a menu Jaeri liked, and the one he ate the most when his appetite turned. It was not his absolute favorite food, but among the foods Jungyoon permitted, it was his favorite.

Jaeri, who was hungry, deliciously scooped and ate the mashed potatoes. The orderly air of the brothers continuing the meal quietly was disrupted by Jungyoon’s one remark.

“Do you want to go to university?”

“…Yes.”

“If I say not to go.”

“…Hyung.”

He instinctively knew that it was a question asked after his hyung had already made the decision. No matter what answer he gave, there would be no change in that decision. He could not tell if it was yes or no. Neither from his expression nor from the question he asked could he guess his inner thoughts.

“If I say not to go, will you hole up in your room day and night for days, sleeping and crying like that?”

“Yes.”

Jaeri answered honestly. Even if he lied, his hyung would figure it out anyway, and besides, he hated lies.

“Then after that?”

“I don’t know… I’ll do what hyung tells me to do.”

“You will.”

“Yes.”

Jaeri had forgotten to eat his food out of anxiousness, but Jungyoon continued the meal leisurely. He opened his mouth only after completely finishing the meal.

“Jaeri, go to university.”

“Hyung….”

“H University Department of Economics.”

“I, there, go?”

“Yeah.”

Jaeri got up and ran to Jungyoon sitting across from him, then smack, kissed his cheek. It was impulsive. Jungyoon looked at Jaeri with an impassive expression. Jungyoon was sitting, and Jaeri was standing, so the heights of their gazes differed. The heights of their gazes always differed, but the direction of that high and low was reversed. Jaeri sat at his feet. Then, looking up at him, he asked.

“Hyung, why H University? Why Department of Economics?”

“It’s close to home and has a good academic atmosphere. So I can use you in my company later.”

Jungyoon listed the reasons for choosing H University Department of Economics. When Jaeri heard that Jungyoon was thinking of using him in the future and placing expectations on him, his chest area swelled like a bud.

“Isn’t the Department of Business Administration better to use?”

“You have no need to manage.”

“Yes.”

Jungyoon spoke to his owner-family brother in a definitive tone. Jaeri accepted his words without any resentment.

“Because of team classes, it’s tricky to monitor you.”

“…I’ll be really exemplary now.”

“Of course, you’ll have a very exemplary university life.”

“Yes….”

It was a tone that could be mistaken for words of blessing or encouragement, or even trust.

“Because I’ll be watching everything.”

“…Yes?”

“To send you to university, I guess I have to endure that much.”

With a tired face, he said as if sighing.

“…Hyung, you don’t have to do that.”