LS 93

“Being used to something is scary.”

Dohee silently pressed his lips together at those words. He lowered his body quietly, sitting beside Moonhyuk’s drooping figure. Their bodies were close now. Moonhyuk’s gaze, which had been cast downward, followed Dohee as he moved. Dohee slowly opened his mouth.

“Why is getting used to something scary?”

It was a genuine question. Wasn’t familiarity supposed to be a good thing? He didn’t understand. Why? If Moonhyuk were to stay here and spend time with him, of course he’d grow used to it. So why was that scary or unpleasant? As Moonhyuk stayed silent, unable to answer, Dohee gently asked again.

“Why don’t you like it?”

Moonhyuk’s lips twitched. Maybe because of the emotional pressure earlier, his face had flushed a warm red. Dohee resisted the urge to place his hand on that seemingly soft, warm cheek and waited for his answer.

The response was unexpected.

“When something becomes familiar… it starts to feel natural.”

“…?”

“And when it feels natural, you forget how precious it is.”

What kind of riddle was that? Dohee quietly stared into Moonhyuk’s eyes. As their gazes met, Moonhyuk looked away, fingers fiddling restlessly with no destination. Then, in an even smaller voice, he added,

“And if it disappears…”

His voice grew fainter, nearly inaudible. Dohee leaned in a little closer. Their faces were now only inches apart.

“If it disappears?”

“Then it just hurts too much.”

Moonhyuk’s voice was calm, much calmer than when he’d said he was scared or hated it. He continued speaking.

“That’s how it always was. With my parents, with my grandfather… I got so used to them being there, I didn’t realize how precious or happy it all was until they were gone.”

Dohee tilted his head slightly. He thought deeply, trying to fully understand Moonhyuk’s words.

If Moonhyuk started living here, he’d grow used to it. They’d game together, eat meals together, Dohee would drive him to the internet café for work, he’d study in the warm living room during the day, they’d drink and snack late at night sometimes, and in the mornings he’d casually eat cereal while watching the news. And that sense of familiarity would soon become normal.

What began as something careful and meaningful could dull with time. And only after that dulled happiness was lost would you realize how much it truly meant. So… what Moonhyuk feared was the pain of loss.

Dohee reached out and touched Moonhyuk’s cheek. Just as he’d imagined, it was warm and soft. Feeling the touch, Moonhyuk lifted his head. Their eyes met again. Dohee smiled, his eyes narrowing in that familiar way.

“So basically, you’re just a coward, hyung.”

Moonhyuk blinked, thick double eyelids disappearing and reappearing.

Dohee considered himself pretty simple. He thought so, at least. If he wanted something, he did it. If not, he didn’t. If he liked something, he liked it. If he didn’t, he didn’t. Clear, unambiguous. But Moonhyuk wasn’t like that. To Dohee, Moonhyuk was like a difficult puzzle.

Kwon Moonhyuk was complicated. How had he ended up falling for someone like this? What part of this timid, awkward, hard-to-read man had gotten under his skin so deeply? Even if he asked himself, he couldn’t find the answer. But one thing was clear: despite all that, Baek Dohee liked Kwon Moonhyuk. And not just liked, his feelings kept growing, never shrinking.

Faced with the man named Kwon Moonhyuk, a question without an answer, Dohee decided he’d solve it in his own way. He opened his mouth again.

“Then let me ask you something, hyung.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you like being with me?”

Moonhyuk blinked faster than before. After a brief pause, he nodded. Dohee continued.

“Do you enjoy the time we spend together in this house?”

“…Yeah.”

“Do you feel happy?”

“…Yes.”

“And now I’ve asked you to stay with me until the Demon Hunter full clear.”

“….”

“Are you scared that once that time is over… you won’t be able to be with me anymore?”

Moonhyuk didn’t answer. Dohee reached up and brushed back Moonhyuk’s short bangs. His roughly trimmed hair shifted aside, revealing a handsome forehead. As that train of thought passed through his mind – I want to kiss him – Dohee asked without hesitation:

“You’re afraid of getting used to being happy with me… because you’re afraid of losing it?”

“…I…”

Finally, Moonhyuk spoke. Dohee waited quietly for him to continue.

“I’ve just… been used to being alone for so long.”

“….”

“After my grandfather passed away, I just kept thinking… losing someone you care about is too painful. So I figured… being alone was better. I was fine without friends. Didn’t want any. Didn’t feel like I needed them. Relationships don’t last forever anyway… Even when I felt lonely, even when I thought maybe it’d be nice if someone were here… I still managed. Just like this. That was the world I built for myself. The boundaries I set.”

“…Yeah.”

“But, Dohee…”

“Me?”

“…I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“I’ve never gotten close to someone this quickly. I’ve never thought of anyone as special or precious before. But you… at some point, that’s just how you started to feel. I like being friends with you. I like the time we spend together. But… I’m scared. I just wish we could’ve stayed as… people who kind of knew each other, kept some distance…”

Moonhyuk trailed off in a mumble, then suddenly reached out and grabbed Dohee’s wrist. Surprised by the sudden warmth pressing against his skin, Dohee looked up. Moonhyuk looked like he was about to cry. He leaned in just a bit more – close enough to embrace if either of them moved even slightly.

Then, a voice thick with tears brushed against Dohee’s ear.

“What if one day you’re just… gone, Dohee?”

“…Me?”

“It’s just… I’ve never been this happy before. It’s like a dream. And I’m scared that if I close my eyes for too long and open them again, you’ll be gone. I-I can’t even sleep properly. What if I wake up and it was all just a dream?”

Tears welled up in Moonhyuk’s eyes. Dohee stared at them – beautiful and clear – and gently pulled his wrist free from Moonhyuk’s grip. Then, just as quickly, he reached down and grabbed Moonhyuk’s hand instead. It was much bigger than his, thicker and hotter. But right now, Moonhyuk just seemed like a child.

“Hyung.”

“…Yeah?”

“That’s so unfair.”

“…What?”

“Like you said, relationships don’t always last. Maybe I’ll be gone someday. I can’t promise I’ll be by your side forever or that I’ll always be with you. No one knows what’ll happen in life. But think about it, hyung. I could also stay with you for a really, really long time. We might end up old men, white-haired and wrinkly, sitting at the table together and laughing over dinner. We could be happy until we die. But if we let fear of an uncertain end stop us from even starting… don’t you think that’s unfair? You’d be missing out without ever getting the chance to enjoy it.”

“….”

“And I said ‘until the Demon Hunter full clear,’ but if you want… if you’re okay with it… you could stay even after that. No, let me be honest.”

“….”

“I want you to stay even after the full clear is over. I like living with you. It’s fun. It makes me happy. And if you’re scared of losing it… then don’t. Just stay. Just keep living with me.”

“But… wouldn’t it be uncomfortable for you if I-”

Dohee cut him off firmly before he could finish. There was no need to hear that line.

“Don’t think about me, hyung. What do you want? If you strip away all the hesitations – the fear that you’re a burden, the worry about what happens when it ends – what’s left?”

“….”

“What does your honest heart say?”

“I…”

It was so frustrating, it burned in his throat. Dohee couldn’t stop replaying Moonhyuk’s words in his mind:

‘I’ve never gotten close to someone this quickly. I’ve never thought of anyone as special or precious… but you… at some point, that’s just how you started to feel…’

He had so many questions. If he could ask just one…

‘Hyung, do you like me?’

That would be it. But Dohee swallowed that question back down.

It stung. To Dohee, Moonhyuk seemed like someone who didn’t know how to want things, at least not when it came to people. Maybe he was different in other areas, but when it came to relationships, Moonhyuk never reached out. As Dohee looked at him, still struggling to speak, he opened his mouth once more.

“Let yourself want something, hyung. Being careful and considerate? That’s fine. That’s who you are. But you don’t have to be that way with me.”

“….”

“Even if you act selfish or make demands, I can handle that. I want to handle it.”

And Dohee added to himself

‘Because I like you, hyung.’

Only then did Moonhyuk speak.

“…I want to stay here.”

A single teardrop fell onto their joined hands.

“I really want to…”

His tear-soaked hand felt scorching, like it was burning.