LDR Ch 3

Although Leo was born in Switzerland, he had been in England ever since he started karting, whereas Johan was usually in Switzerland for work, so he and Harrison had not seen each other often. Despite that, Harrison was close with Leo’s half-siblings who were also in Switzerland, but that was just because they were kids. Literally, he had seen them since they were born.

On top of that, crucially, Johan had been enthusiastically supportive when Leo first started go-karting, but around the time he started competing in races of a certain scale, he began to show subtle signs of opposition. Furthermore, despite having always taken Leo to F1 circuits, around that time his heart seemed to have grown distant from racing itself, as he did not even watch the races on broadcast. But now he was saying he had enjoyed watching the race?

Moreover, Harrison was also looking at Leo as if asking for help. Come to think of it, it was really true. He had specifically pointed out the last race, and in that race, Harrison had torn apart many people’s hearts and, while he was at it, had also physically torn his car apart and gloriously retired. He had enjoyed watching that? There was no hint of sarcasm on his father’s face, but it was suspicious that he would suddenly change his consistently disapproving attitude toward racing.

<He said that’s how a driver is supposed to be.>

What was this now? As expected, it was not a sarcastic tone. This was really… what was this, trying to instill pride in Harrison and encourage him? If he himself had suffered because of his son who stubbornly insisted on racing dangerously, then shouldn’t he know that his son would now suffer because of his boyfriend who races dangerously? Then, as that son’s father, shouldn’t he be saying something like, ‘stop making my son suffer’ in this situation?

Of course, if he really did that, he would stop him, but there was a big difference between saying those words and not saying them. He had thought his father, knowing the anxiety of watching a race, might at least say something to Harrison like, ‘do you always have to race that dangerously,’ but it was completely different from his expectations. Of course, he had not brought Harrison here to have him say such things, but still, wasn’t it reasonable for him to say something like that this time?

<Thank you.>

<Yes. They say you have to be aggressive to become a champion. Besides, Harry, you’ve been a champion like that before, haven’t you? Leo said you’ll be wearing our watch again next year, so I’ll be looking forward to it.>

<Leo said that?>

He had said that. But that was a remark he had made to defend his lover when Johan, who had contacted Leo after watching the last race, had spoken in a negative tone, asking if Harrison was okay and if it was not too dangerous. Besides, he had naturally expected him to express the same concern to Harrison now.

But the two men, who noticed Leo’s irritated mood better than anyone, were now nonchalantly ignoring Leo’s feelings and being amicable only between themselves.

<Since we’re sponsoring a champion, I’m trying to watch the races again, but the cars and the rules have changed a lot in the meantime. So I asked my son a few things. I was a bit worried too. But Leo said Harry is a driver who doesn’t get hurt by things like that. Are the safety features different for each car?>

<Harry has fast reaction times.>

That was not true. No, of course, his reaction time was fast. He could not have entered F1 in the first place otherwise. Moreover, Harrison would dive in as if by instinct whenever he found a gap. But what was the use of reaction time when he did not avoid things even when he should? Besides, when a car that had been pushed to its limits lost its balance and crashed, was there anything you could do with reflexes?

But criticizing him was Leo’s job. His own father did not even know F1 well and had said he could not bear to watch because he was too worried when his son was racing, but now that his son’s boyfriend was racing in a way that was twice as dangerous, he was watching with a clear conscience since he no longer had to worry about his son getting hurt?

A person like that did not have the right to criticize Harry. If anyone was going to criticize him, it should be me, who worried the most. And yet, he felt a subtle sense of shame for having defended Harrison so instantly like this.

<It probably means the car was well-made. Still, I’ll try to make the next race more comfortable for you to enjoy.>

Leo pulled Harrison, who was smiling that particular smile he showed when dealing with important people while saying those words, toward him.

<You don’t need us anymore, right?>

At the question that did not hide his annoyance, Johan asked, as if to soothe Leo.

<Why not stay longer?>

<I’m tired from drinking.>

<Well, can’t be helped then. Harry, you get some rest too.>

After pulling Harrison up to the room, Leo immediately said.

“Don’t say anything.”

Then Harrison, who had closed the door behind him, pretended not to say anything, but then he whispered surreptitiously as he helped Leo take off his suit jacket.

“Are you going to put a limited edition on me?”

“I told you not to talk.”

With those words, Leo looked at Harrison’s wrist. The watch on that wrist was, of course, from the Kunz brand, which was attached to Leo’s family name. When he first talked to his grandfather about Harrison’s sponsorship and was thinking about which brand to attach, it had not really been a matter of thinking; he had simply chosen a watch according to the image that came to mind when he thought of a racing driver.

But now, he wished he had attached something other than a watch. Besides, he had several other watch brands, so why had he insisted on attaching Kunz? Of course, it was a sort of identity that was also attached to Leo’s family name, but they had not even been dating back then.

Kunz’s marketing has one principle that has never changed, then or now. When they enter as a sports sponsor, they let their sponsored models wear other watches as much as they want, but only the champion of that industry could wear the limited-edition watch.

Because of that, Harry had been the model for the limited-edition watch for exactly one year. He became champion in his fifth year and wore the limited edition in his sixth year, but he failed to earn that right the following year and this year. Looking back, he felt that he had chosen Kunz for nothing, as giving it and then taking it away seemed to create a greater sense of deprivation. Still, perhaps, next year.

“I thought of you when I crashed.”

Leo reflexively scrunched his eyes and looked at Harrison. The voice that came out as he took off his jacket was quite calm.

“This is the first time I’ve flipped over completely, you know.”

As he said, Harrison, regardless of fault, had been involved in no small number of accidents, yet he had miraculously never had his car overturn. He wondered why he was bringing that up when he had made people’s blood run dry even more because of it, and as he watched him, Harrison naturally loosened his tie and continued speaking.

“So I’ve never properly understood what it was like when you had your accident.”

He knew exactly which accident he was talking about. Since Leo had also made it to F2, he had of course had a few accidents. One of them had been an overturn, just like Harrison’s recent accident. Even so, even that had not been as severe as Harrison’s. His accident had just been a collision with another car at the start, causing the car to flip over, while the impact on Harrison’s had been so great that even the tires had been thrown off.

“What were you thinking back then?”

Even if he asked that, he could not remember anything now. It was difficult to remember something from when he was 17 so vividly now that he was 26.

“Just, what place am I in now?”

Of course, he still remembered his final ranking in F2, but to think he had that thought even during the accident, he could not even remember now what place he had been in before that race and what place he became after. After answering, Leo was consumed by an endless sense of desolation. The Leo of that time must have been out of his mind.

“I was fourth, it turns out.”

And at Harrison’s following voice, Leo looked at his lover without any expression. At this point, about halfway through the season, the point difference between the rankings was not particularly large this season. Harrison had been competing for third place and had been defending his position quite well, but he had become fourth with the last retirement.

As a lover, he should offer consolations like, ‘you’ll do well next time,’ ‘there’s still half a season left, so you can turn it around,’ ‘you’ve done so well until now,’ but not a single word came out. Leo, too, had been out of his mind back then, but Harrison was still out of his mind.

“Why did you even ask in the first place? Harry, as you know, this is one of the few times I can have a boyfriend who only looks at me, not a driver crazy about his work.”

It was late to say it now after talking about racing all this time, but even so, Leo wanted to, please, get his boyfriend back for just a moment. He wanted to go protest somewhere, whether it was the FIA or ABW Racing, where he had personally offered him a seat, and demand they give him his boyfriend back.

But Leo also knew the reality. Harrison had been a driver before he became his boyfriend, and he had even been a driver when they first met at the age of 6. No one had ever taken him away; if one had to be precise, it would be Leo who had intruded.

Knowing all that, Leo looked at Harrison coldly. This bastard who made him think he had intruded on his own boyfriend was the worst of them all.

“I need that time.”

And, Leo loved that Harrison. Therefore, Harrison had an obligation to grant this much of a demand. At Leo’s firm attitude, Harrison seemed to gather his thoughts for a moment as if to grant his request, and then he looked at Leo again.

“Back then, I hated the idea of creating a circuit you couldn’t love.”

The voice that finally came out was low and calm. Leo, while he waited so eagerly for the summer break when Harrison would be away from racing, actually disliked this period. Harrison, whose team radio was full of profanity and whose driving, to put it nicely, was fearless, and to put it badly, was unrestrained, was actually quite a calm person outside the track. The further Harrison was from racing in distance and time, the more stable he became.

At times like that, Leo would recall the old Harrison, the Harrison from around the time he debuted in F1. The Harrison from back then, who was unsociable then as he was now, but who had a playfulness around people close to him that was appropriate for his age.

And then, he would realize that he loved all of those versions of him. The version of him back then, the version of him now, and even the version of him when he hit rock bottom. Leo had watched all of it right from the side and was ultimately captivated.

“Whatever it is, I don’t want to take away something you love.”

Of course, Leo knew he had fallen into the swamp of ‘but he’s really sweet when he’s sane,’ ‘he’s a good person when the situation is right,’ ‘you have no idea how well he treats me when he’s being good.’

That was why, while he longed for this period, he also knew that because of this period, he could never escape no matter what happened. Because he knew how much the you who was far from racing loved me, and how you made me feel it.

“To be honest, I didn’t think I would die. But even so, in that moment, it really felt like I was going to die. And I had that thought. Then you wouldn’t be able to see the Hungaroring.”

How cruel. That was his instinctive thought.

“My mom can’t even go to Austria, let alone the Red Bull Ring. If I have a big accident, she probably won’t watch F1 anymore, but my mom never really liked F1 that much anyway. You know my family was always crazy about MotoGP, right?”

Harrison’s father, William, was a five-time MotoGP champion, and he had met Harrison’s mother, Heather, at a racetrack. And the sons they had after they got married, Jude and Harrison, naturally got on children’s bikes when they each turned four.

Harrison, saying that bikes were scary, had paradoxically switched to karts, which were even faster, and had steadily moved toward F1, while Jude had fallen in love with bikes at their first meeting and followed William to become a two-time MotoGP champion.

And then, an accident happened in the season he was challenging for his third championship. It was not as if the impact would have been any less severe anywhere else, but it had to be at Austria’s Red Bull Ring, one of the few circuits shared by MotoGP and F1.

“But now, she can’t watch MotoGP, and instead, she makes a point to watch all of F1, which she’s not even interested in, but she can’t come to Austria. On top of that, my dad can never watch the live broadcast and only checks what happened on a replay after confirming I’m alright. But since my parents like MotoGP more than F1 anyway, at least there’s no feeling of taking away something they love besides their son. The Hungaroring isn’t a circuit that overlaps with Moto, either.”

Harrison’s parents did not favor one of their sons, but since they had the common ground of MotoGP, William had always acted as Jude’s manager, following Jude and helping him prepare for races. Right up to the race where Jude had his accident.

“But you’re different. You said you like the Hungaroring.”

Leo did not know how to take this story. Should he be moved by the words that he wanted to protect what he loved, or should he be angry at the fact that he had such thoughts at a moment when he thought he was going to die, wondering just how pickled his brain was in racing, or should he feel something else entirely?

“Before you came, I searched at the hospital for what to do before you die. They said there was nothing wrong, but I just felt like I had been on the verge of death for a moment, so I felt like I had to prepare for something. But when I searched, it said to tell the people close to you what kind of treatment to get, things like that. So I thought about it and realized. I don’t want to die yet.”

He wanted to interrogate him, asking what he had been thinking all this time if he had only just realized that, but for some reason, Leo realized he was relieved. When you spend seven years next to a lover who seems like he might die while driving, you become moved by the very fact that he does not want to die.

“Maybe, I should change my driving style.”

And then, at the unexpected words, his mind went blank. Just like that day, when he had received a sudden love confession on a day they had met after almost a year.

“I’m not saying I’ll drive safely. I can’t do it anyway, and I don’t want to. But just.”

Having taken off his suit jacket and loosened his tie, he did not look like an F1 driver. Harrison was tall, and rather than having the lean muscles that other drivers had plastered on their bodies, he had a pleasing volume, like a pictorial model.

Leo had watched the entire process of the fluffy brown hair that had once tickled his forehead messily become neatly swept back, and the not-yet-fully-grown body come to wear a suit tailored to his body more perfectly than anyone. In all that time, there had never been words like these.

“When we were in F2, do you remember you cursed me out a lot?”

At that question, Leo finally managed to open his mouth.

“You did too.”

Then Harrison looked at Leo and smiled naturally. The eyes, which were soft in color but in reality were accustomed to burning coldly, were different when they landed on him. With that affectionate gaze, the boy with the round nose tip had now become a man with firm lines.

“I did. You did it on the team radio too.”

How did it come to this? It was fascinating. From a very long time ago, if someone had asked who their best friend was, Leo and Harrison would have chosen each other without hesitation, but things had changed a little when they moved up to F2. Of course, even then, if they had been asked to pick their best friend, they probably still would have said each other, but it was true that the nature of their fights had become more intense.

There were more than one or two times when they had been sarcastic and angry with each other after a race, and when they faced off on the circuit, the team radios were filled with profanity.

“There was nothing to listen to on your radio.”

As he said, Leo’s team radio would have at most contained something like, ‘why is that guy being so aggressive,’ but Harrison’s team radio must have been full of only beeping sounds from all the censorship. Harrison knew that too, as he said without bothering to deny it.

“At Silverstone, you said on the team radio, ‘is that bastard trying to die?’”

He did not remember the exact situation, but there had been so many incidents like that that it was not difficult to imagine.

“You might not know, but I drove a little more carefully after that. Honestly, I think it probably wasn’t even noticeable.”

As he said, it had not been noticeable at all. But instead of scolding him for something Harrison already knew, Leo went over to his side and stroked the surface of his neatly swept-back hair as if tracing it.

“Why did you? So suddenly.”

It was not as if it was the first or second day he had heard curses, and he had never cared about such words, so it was fascinating that he had even made an effort. Then Harrison, who was sitting on the sofa, pulled Leo’s hand and sat him on his lap. When Leo playfully pushed his face away a little and readjusted his posture to just sit next to him, Harrison was now quietly looking at Leo.

“Other people get angry at me, asking if I’m trying to kill them. But you asked if I was trying to die, so I think that’s why it stuck in my memory. I wasn’t racing to die.”

Leo was about to pinch his nose without hurting him, but then he pinched it with a bit of emotion, just enough to hurt a little. Then Harrison gently rubbed his nose against Leo’s cheek.

“I’m still not driving to die, and I have no intention of showing you myself lying in a hospital bed ever again, so I think it’s worth trying to fix it to the extent that that won’t happen.”