LDR Ch 34

Harrison is separating his life into racing and other parts, but in reality, nothing can be separated.

“Because you have to admit that you’re fucking selfish. You’re fucking, in the first place, do you think you’re in your right mind? What the hell were you thinking, doing something like that at this track? Even if it wasn’t that, what the hell were you thinking…”

“I wasn’t thinking anything.”

The voice that cut him off was now calm, but it was impossible not to know that his eyes were boiling with anger.

“I was thinking about the tires and the battery. Whether the brake temperature was right, what the cars in front and behind were doing, whether I could get a slipstream on the next straight. No different from any other race.”

“No. You know this track is special to you too. You think this track is yours. If you really had no feelings for this circuit, you wouldn’t act as if this circuit belongs to you, as if you have to be the one to win at this circuit. As if you have to die together if someone tries to take it.”

“That’s my job.”

“No. That’s not your job, that’s your life.”

Because they know each other so well, they can easily choose the words that will hurt the most.

“There is no part of your life that excludes racing.”

They can say things to each other that they could not say to anyone else.

“Do you really think your piercing, that that kind of thing separates you from the circuit? Even if it’s not that, do you even have a life outside the circuit?”

He knows he will forgive, and he knows he will be forgiven anyway. They knew each other that well.

“You don’t have anything like that.”

Leo spat out the words without taking his eyes off Harrison.

“And you, have you ever once thought, whether this is really worth it.”

If he was going to bring up Jude’s story in this way after all, he should have thought about it beforehand. What it means to refuse to even make his own hyung a topic of conversation, to block out memories, to ignore danger, to live only in the present where there is no past or future. Whether throwing away and passing by everything he had, could have had, is even a sacrifice.

“What we do is ultimately just playing with cars. There’s no great value to it. You always talk about the effort of the people involved in this, but the essence is ultimately a job, and what we create is entertainment.”

As much as Leo loves this world, he knows what a strange place it is. Enduring the pressure of the entire team from an age where one cannot even realize the responsibility is not mental strength. Words that would be classified as violence elsewhere are not passion. Not avoiding danger even when you know it exists is not courage. The fact that things that are not tolerated elsewhere are considered attractive is not a privilege.

“Then why are you here?”

The words that came back condensed the entire past. Why he had so persuasively guided Harrison, who was content with karting, all the way to F1, why he had gotten him sponsors, why he had always come to watch his races, why he had recruited him for his team, why he is still by his side even now. If he really thinks of this world in that way.

“You tell me. Why I’m here. Why I, am in Austria. Why I always come to watch the Red Bull Ring no matter what.”

Leo knows that the words he is saying now are just words that came out because he wanted to hurt him.

“Tell me that you never asked me to come, that I just came on my own because I wanted to. That’s the truth, isn’t it.”

In reality, Harrison has never, not even once, asked him to come to Austria. While he would often say he wished he would come when other Grand Prix were held, while he would say he missed him, he had never once mentioned the Austrian Grand Prix.

Nevertheless, Harrison could not bring himself to state that obvious fact. So Leo continued for him instead.

“You want to think that the people by your side are all okay, that they’ve all overcome it. If that were really the case, it would be strange why Heather can’t come to this circuit every year, and why I come to this circuit every year.”

He knows it is unfair. Harrison cannot ask anyone to come to this circuit, or not to come. But that fact was not so important right now. In fact, it was probably because it was so very important.

“It’s the same with you insisting on having Manuel as your racing engineer. You think that since Manuel has already gone through it once and overcome it, he’ll be fine a second time. That because he knows how to endure, he’ll be able to do it next time too.”

It was just like, some kind of curse. Or perhaps a vain hope. In that aspect, Harrison wanted a definite sense of security. Since that person would be the first to hear of his well-being with his own ears if he really got into an accident, he wanted that person to be safe even after that. He had never said it, but it was impossible not to know.

Harrison had not insisted on Manuel from the beginning. However, in the first year they met, there was a time when Manuel could not come to the track for another matter. An inexperienced race engineer took over for Harrison, and as fate would have it, there was an accident. The race engineer, of course, did not show it at the time, but after it was over, he said that it had been scary, and Harrison was frightened even by that playful remark.

Harrison did not say anything to Leo, and it seemed he had not even realized it himself, but to Leo who was by his side, it all looked so tragically clear. That he was afraid of the fact that he could scare someone.

That is the reason he wants Manuel. Manuel had already overcome hearing his own driver die with his own ears, and Harrison needed that. How selfish.

“Is it the same for other people too? Because they’ve already experienced it, and because they didn’t break down even after that, did it feel like some kind of proof?”

But there is an obvious fact that Harrison does not know, or rather, simply does not want to think about.

“Enduring it once is not proof that it will be okay the second time.”

On the contrary, the second time could cause a greater collapse. There was more room for “what ifs,” and it was filled with the cracks of regret. Why, when I knew this could happen, why, when I had already seen it happen, why did I do nothing.

“Then did Anna prove it?”

The voice that had not made any excuses finally continued.

“You put Anna back in here too.”

As he said, Leo was no different of a human being. The fact that he had only now realized the danger was rather laughable, and before that, he had quite cherished that danger. Because that uncertainty completed motorsport.

Leo had condoned that image, and to some extent, had used it. He had not opposed the regulations that were changed to allow for more overtaking. He had never rejected the obvious formula of more overtakes, more crashes, more spectators. No one knows better than himself how bizarre it is to now shift all the blame onto Harrison.

“I have never, forced anyone.”

But Leo did not want to self-reflect, he just wanted to break him.

“Forced? If it wasn’t for you, Manuel would be at the head office. He wouldn’t be worrying about what might happen to his driver again. Your parents would never have given motorsport a second glance. I wouldn’t have attended every single race either.”

It was obvious that the elbow he was gripping tightly would hurt, but to Harrison, that pain seemed unworthy of his attention.

“You always say this is your job, but you never admit that it exhausts other people.”

He hopes that the bone, which had been restored without rest, will break again.

“At least I admit it. I know what I asked Anna to endure.”

He hopes it shatters into pieces, unable to be restored.

“But you don’t.”

The eyes that had been meeting his without flinching had now calmed down again.

“Then tell me to quit.”

He wanted to let out a hollow laugh at those words, but in reality, he could do nothing.

“Why do you keep talking as if I’m making the people around me suffer because I don’t love them, as if I’m doing this because I don’t love you enough, don’t care about you enough? If you really hate it, if you think that’s the problem, if you can’t stand it, the solution is simple.”

The dry voice perfectly matched the attitude that never once averted its gaze.

“Tell me to quit.”

How well they know each other. That is not only in a good sense.

“If you just say the word, I’ll really do it. Because I love you enough to listen to anything you say.”

They can hide nothing from each other. It is not that they do not hide, but even if they try to hide, everything is seen through.

“But you don’t want to do that, do you.”

The voice that finally came out continued calmly, as if it would not allow any excitement. As if it would not let emotions distort the meaning. As if it would deliver the meaning purely, without any interference.

“You want me to quit, but you can’t be the one to make me quit. Because you wouldn’t want to handle that.”

After those words, neither Leo nor Harrison said anything. Leo finally, slowly, let go of Harrison’s elbow, but Harrison just looked at Leo, as if he did not care at all.

“Then you say it.”

The voice that broke the long silence was quite calm even to his own ears.

“Tell me to keep supporting you in the future, no matter how much I worry, no matter how scared I am. Tell me to live a life where I’m always anxious because I don’t know what will happen to you, where I just wait for you to come home, staring at the front door, for your sake. Oh, and sometimes tell me to watch over you lying in a hospital bed too.”

If there is one thing he desperately, wishes and hopes for, it is only one thing.

“Because I love you enough to listen to you too.”

For you to fall apart.

“And you love me enough to say those words to me and still handle it, don’t you?”

He wanted to pick up the shattered and broken pieces, put them back together, put a splint on them, and show him the mended trace to let him know what a fragile return it was.

“You could probably die for me. If I tell you to quit, you’ll really quit.”

It is okay if it can never function again, and it does not matter if it does. It will not be used like it was at first anyway.

“I know you love me that much.”

The eyes that had never once wavered hardened, but could not utter a single word. So Leo just continued his words.

“But in the end, you don’t know how to give yourself to me other than that.”

Hurting him was strangely easy.

“So you can’t give me your life.”

The covered part showed its inside clearly, as if there was not even a thin cloth over it.

“Because you don’t know how to love that way.”

So, may he shatter and fall apart so completely that no one would dare to even try.

Harrison went around every corner of the head office to apologize for what happened at the Austrian Grand Prix, and was now preparing for the upcoming next Grand Prix. But Leo had only heard about it indirectly.

Directly, he had come to England separately and had not contacted him for 3 days after that. Even with the excuse of the paparazzi, he had not visited even though his house was right nearby.

Lying there alone on his bed, Leo picked up his phone. On the screen, which still had no messages, his finger wandered slowly. He wanted to hear his voice, but he did not want to talk.

Leo impulsively searched Harrison’s name on the internet.

— It’s the last digits of my dad’s phone number. I couldn’t think of a number, so I asked my family, and they told me to just pick anything. So I was going to use the last two digits of the first person who contacted me, and at that moment, my friend called me. He’s a friend I did F2 with, so when I told him I was going to use this for my driver number, he said I might as well use my parents’ number if I was going to do that.

Leo knows that the friend Harrison, who was still young, who had just become a first-year driver, who had just turned 19 a few months ago, was talking about was him. Because, the ear of the person speaking was slightly red.

— So I asked my mom, but she told me not to use hers, so I used my dad’s.

Harrison dragged his words for a moment, as if he himself found it a bit strange that he had chosen his driver number for such a reason.

— It sounds strange now, but it will seem like a touching anecdote when my parents get older.

He was suddenly curious. Have you ever had a night like this? A night where you could not fall asleep easily, and searched for something. And did you, by any chance, find me? Did you listen to those words that are so much older?

— Did you look around other places before the race started? If you haven’t yet, do you plan to look around?

— I haven’t had a chance yet, but I’ll probably have a day or so after the race is over. My friend came to watch the race this time, so I’m planning to look around with him.

The 19-year-old Harrison would often ask Leo. If he had seen his interview. Then Leo would say he had not. In reality, he had not gone as far as to look up his interviews. But Harrison was never disappointed, nor did he ask him to watch his interviews.

— Was there any particularly memorable place outside the circuit?

— Yes. It’s a restaurant, but I won’t say the name. I had dinner there once before, and the atmosphere was good and the food was delicious. I still remember taking a walk from there to the hotel. I’m going to try it again this time.

He wondered why he was curious about whether Leo had seen these interviews. If the Leo of that time had really seen these interviews, he probably would not have liked it, thinking it showed a lack of professionalism. Because, when the gaze answering the question occasionally looked at the camera, it was clear who he was speaking to.

— I’m going to spend my vacation in England. I guess since I haven’t been able to see my family much, I’ll spend time with my family, meet up with friends, and just live like that. Oh, but maybe I’ll go to Switzerland for a short while. I’m not trying to plan too much.

Watching the video that had been unsent for so long, he thought. You said you liked me a lot. He had never hidden his feelings of liking him, but even so, at most they would see each other once a week, usually about once every two weeks, and then at the end, they had not seen each other for two months.

So at that time, even while hearing him say he liked him, he had not felt the frequency. He did not know that he had always, said he liked him like this.

Leo stared at that face for a long time. That clumsy, young, and undisguised face.

It was not difficult to find Harrison.

“Let’s talk.”

When he went to find Harrison at the simulation building and said that, Harrison, who had finished talking to an engineer and was about to get back into the simulator, looked at Leo.

Leo just, watched a lot of videos. He did not know why, but he wanted to see. Not the current Harrison, but the Harrison from back then. So he watched, and watched again. In them, the 19-year-old Harrison, who had just entered Formula One, was youthful, rough, and sparkling.

“In my office.”

With those words, he glanced at the engineer as if asking for his understanding, and Harrison went over to the engineer, said something directly, and then followed Leo. On the way out of the building and to Leo’s office, not a single word was exchanged.

Leo let Harrison in first, closed the door, and then drew the blinds. It had not been long since he realized that their relationship had become one of give and take. No matter who was at fault, no matter how they fought, if there was a problem between them, Harrison would always be the first to come and apologize.

As if to compensate for the time he spent on the track. Like that, in his time outside of it, he completely accommodated Leo, and Leo also considered it as compensation.

“I’m sorry for what I said last time.”

He could not even remember the last time he had apologized first. There were established roles. So it was not surprising that Leo had not sought out Harrison for the past few days. The apology was always Harrison’s part to begin with. That is why Harrison’s behavior of not coming to him until now was actually unusual. Nevertheless, he was not anxious. He would come to him eventually. You have never lived without me, and you can’t.

No matter how badly they fought, no matter how one-sidedly he hurt him, it was an unchanging fact. That is why they could say things to each other that they could not say to anyone else. For better or for worse, exclusivity is always overly sanctified.

So he knows there is no need for him to seek him out first, or to apologize. Nevertheless, yesterday, Leo had suddenly, while watching the youthful Harrison on screen complaining with a frown that a penalty was unfair, made a decision just like that. To apologize. At least, let’s do that much.

“I shouldn’t have said it like that, and I shouldn’t have brought up Jude’s story like that either.”