LDR Ch 35

Leo stood by the door, watching Harrison. Harrison, without any response, simply watched Leo’s expression as if scrutinizing it. Leo overlaid the image of the 19-year-old Harrison, whom he had been rewatching for the past few days, onto him.

The 19-year-old Harrison would blush during his interviews. His awkward words would often cut off without order, yet they would contain a slightly different context. When asked what he would do after the French Grand Prix, he said he would visit the restaurant he had been to before. When asked about the first Grand Prix he had seen, he answered that he had gone to the Hungaroring with a friend. And when asked if he had any superstitions of his own, he held up his watch and said that having it with him made him race better.

“You don’t have to talk to me about Jude. It’s enough that you contact and meet Jude, and I don’t need to know all about it.”

The 19-year-old Leo received a date request from Harrison, who had returned from the French Grand Prix, and they had dinner together. They walked around the Hungaroring, talking about old memories, and he had personally picked out the watch that would often hang on that wrist.

The love letter written with his voice and gaze had floated for a long time without reaching anywhere, and had only now arrived. But he was curious. Did the letter find the right recipient? Perhaps that recipient had disappeared forever.

“So, I’m sorry. I misspoke.”

Apologizing after a long time was not actually difficult. It was just a list of obvious facts. But what was truly difficult was the list of the blanks.

To this day, Leo does not know which part of the circuit Jude had his accident. He had not looked up the race, nor the follow-up articles. And he had not known that was a privilege. Not even that Harrison could not enjoy that privilege.

Leo looked at the 27-year-old Harrison standing before him. For those few days, Leo had gone back through the videos, gone back and then returned again, and repeated going back.

In the videos, Harrison grew smoother over time. The 19-year-old Harrison, who did not feign discomfort or awkwardness, gradually stood in front of the camera more naturally as time passed. His impulsive and direct words became elegant and ambiguous, and neither joy nor frustration could be seen.

Leo knows. Harrison is not incapable of defending himself. Nor does he not know how to. He had to learn to defend himself for survival. He just chose not to. To a certain person.

“So if you think not talking is a better way for you, and if that’s more comfortable for you, you don’t need to change it.”

Leo knows all these facts. There is no need to dig into his vulnerable spots. In the first place, he has no shield against him. So he easily hurts him, and sincerely wished for this kid in front of him to break down.

“I’ve never had a problem with it until now, or thought you had to talk about it.”

Leo could not understand why he had done that. Why he had been so angry. But the reality was, he did not want to admit the fact that he had been putting off for so long.

“But I…”

Harrison still stood still, a few steps away from Leo, gazing at him. On that calm and quiet face, the expressions of a younger, more immature, more reckless, more clumsy, more impulsive, and more honest him were slowly overlaid. The ways he had loved without knowing how to control it were overlaid one by one, and then cleared away, and finally, the face in front of him reappeared. The face that he could not help but still love with all his heart.

“I don’t know where you are.”

He is sure that at some point, he had hoped he would not get hurt. Even in an environment where it was inevitable, he had hoped he would not. But since when was it, that he had wished for him to be hurt and broken.

“Since some point, I can’t see you anymore.”

He is sure that at some point, he had not considered the time spent on the track as a sacrifice. He knew Harrison loved that time, and he himself had loved that time too. But since when was it, that he had started calling that time a sacrifice.

“I want to see you, but I don’t know where I have to go to meet you.”

He remembers the cheers and excitement, the nervousness, the thrill they had experienced together. But since when was it, that he had started to feel like he had lost him to those emotions.

“I’m sorry for dragging Jude’s story into it.”

The one who had changed was Leo. Harrison had not changed for a single moment. Harrison was always in that place, and he will probably be in that place in the future too. The old Leo could find that image in an instant, but now he can no longer find it.

That does not mean it is okay to shake Harrison up so badly. The fact that Harrison did not talk about his story felt like some kind of deprivation, but the process of accepting things was different for everyone. Harrison has his own way. Perhaps he does not have any way at all, but even that is a way.

“You shouldn’t have said it like that. I’ll say it again, it was my fault for speaking about it carelessly, and however you react to Jude is up to you. No one can say anything about it.”

After he finished speaking calmly, Harrison, in front of him, replied quietly.

“I’m right here.”

His expression was not much different from a moment ago, but nevertheless, it fit the description of being stiff rather than calm like before. Leo closed his eyes for a moment.

“I can see you at the track, on the pit wall, in the garage, in the paddock, in the briefing room, but outside of that, I can’t, find you anymore.”

At the end of those words, he heard the sound of footsteps approaching him. The slow, heavy footsteps came to a stop beside him, leaving only a single step of distance.

“Leo, I’m here.”

An untouched warmth floated in the air.

“Next to you.”

When he opened his eyes again, those eyes, which he could not dare to name the emotion in, were studying his face.

“No.”

Instead of covering it up again, as soon as he spoke the truth, a voice immediately followed.

“If it’s because my schedule has been busy lately…”

“Harry, please.”

He could not bear the attempt to somehow find a reason and put a name to it. Because he knew that feeling all too well.

“There has never been a time when you weren’t busy.”

His lips parted as if to offer another rebuttal, but Leo spoke first.

“You know that’s not the problem.”

Their gazes met, taut and yet in the dimly lit atmosphere.

“Harry, please. Ask me.”

The intertwined eyes transparently reflected that neither of them wanted to face it, that they wanted to avoid it.

“Ask me why I’ve been acting strangely since some point, why I’m not happy about your win, why I’m angry even though you won. Ask me, Harry.”

Neither of them had wanted this situation, and both of them wanted to get out of this place, but they could not.

“It’s okay.”

What came from those lips was not any question, but a consolation that no one believed. Hypocrisy does not always harbor bad intentions. Sometimes, it contains desperation. But Leo, on the contrary, could not stand that voice. The words meant to reassure the other, the stiff eyes that could not even reassure himself, stung him.

“I can’t, anymore, like the first time, in that way…”

Leo had no idea how the emotion in his eyes was being reflected in Harrison’s, or what kind of emotion was in them.

“I can’t love you.”

Leo just could not, admit that he had changed. But he had no choice but to admit it.

“When I first started dating you, sure, there were many times I was angry. Like you said, you were busy. I knew that, but it was still frustrating and I felt it was unfair.”

The eyes facing him suddenly wavered.

“But it wasn’t that it was hard. Because I knew why you were doing it, and I watched your races, and I supported you.”

He had loved Harrison on the track, he had loved that work, and he had loved that love. He definitely had. That love was not difficult, it was natural.

“Harry, I really, supported what you do.”

But not anymore.

“But now I can’t do that anymore.”

The current Leo does not support Harrison. He just wished for him to fall and break. He sincerely, desperately wished for it.

“I, anymore.”

He still loves him, he loves him even more than at the beginning, but still, he can no longer love him like he did at first. In that way, he cannot love him in that sense.

“Harry, I don’t love racing anymore.”

The voice that finally came out was firm, in a way that even he himself could not understand. Even though he had loved it his whole life, even though he was the one who had recommended racing to Harrison, there was no hesitation in saying that it was not so anymore.

“That doesn’t mean I’m quitting everything. I’m still proud that I inherited the work my grandfather did, and working at the head office is fine. But that doesn’t mean that I, like before, you, to you…”

Before he could finish that sentence, Harrison suddenly took his hand. That familiar and warm heat was gentle and careful.

“Even if you don’t support my work anymore, that doesn’t mean our relationship changes.”

Leo looked at that hand, unable to hold it back or to pull it away.

“Harry, to me, that is a really important thing.”

Leo slowly raised his gaze again. He felt suffocated by the gaze that was looking at him.

“Supporting you, and genuinely backing you, is really important to me.”

Harrison is not simply a lover to Leo. He is so precious that it was impossible to separate work and love, to grant independence to their daily lives when they were not together, to keep a distance. It had never been like that, because they were so important to each other.

“It’s important to me too. But it’s not more important than our relationship, than you yourself. If it’s something that’s hard for you…”

Harrison seemed as if he wanted to find some kind of answer. As if there was a correct answer. As if, if he checked all the data, adjusted, and analyzed it, he could find the optimal answer. As if that was possible with effort.

“Everyone, whether it’s family or someone you’re dating, not everyone besides you watches the races, you know. Because that’s…”

Nevertheless, Harrison did not finish his sentence.

“Why?”

And then the question that suddenly came out followed.

“Is it because it’s a job now?”

He wanted to pull his hand away and escape, yet he wanted to pull him in without any gap. But he could do neither.

“Or, is it because of me?”

“I’m just Harry, I…”

As his words trailed off because he himself did not know what he wanted to say, the expression facing him wavered. Harrison was now no longer flustered by any tricky interview, but at this moment, it seemed he had no idea what question would come, or what answer he should give.

“I love you.”

The words that finally came out were ordinary and familiar, but their direction was not.

“But I never wanted to love you in this way…”

He could not say out loud the feelings that he himself already knew, that he did not want to admit but had to, that he had to. Because he knew he should say it, but he did not want to.

“You’ve never been just a boyfriend to me. You’ve always been not just my boyfriend but my best friend, my family, and so I always wanted you to…”

…be happy, and I wanted to support you, and I wanted to be the person you would call without hesitation when you wanted to say something, and I wanted to be the person who would understand you even if no one else did, and until now, that was just natural. Without needing to be conscious of it.

“But I, now, anymore, I can’t see you like that anymore.”

…I can’t see you.

“Do you want to break up with me?”

But before those hidden words could connect, he somehow could not understand the question that suddenly came out. It was like some language he had never heard before, whose intonation, tone, and resonance were all unknown, incomprehensible.

“I don’t know.”

It was the first time. No one had ever said they wanted to break up before, and he had never thought of it either. But at this moment, Leo really did not know. That was what was shocking. The fact that he did not say ‘of course not.’ The fact that all he could say was, ‘I don’t know.’

“I’m not breaking up with you.”

Unlike Leo’s so vague words, Harrison’s voice was firm and clear.

“I’m sorry.”

The voice was now gentle, yet its temperature was low.

“Leo, I, can do anything. Really. Whatever it is, if there’s something wrong between us, I’ll do anything to fix it.”

He knows that those words are true. In front of Leo, Harrison does not value things like pride, so it was natural that he would readily kneel if told to. In the first place, he has no intention of winning, so he does not even think he has lost, and naturally. He would probably follow if told to quit the job that he had loved since he was a child, a job that was like his life. He would do even more than that. If he could hold on that way.

Like that, even in this moment, they were familiar to each other. So it was sad. That we still love each other the most, and know everything, yet something has changed.

“But if you want to break up, I can’t do that.”

He had never once wanted to break up. He had never even thought about it in the first place. But, he cannot love someone while wishing for the person he loves to be broken. If it was Harrison, of all people, he could not do that.

“Leo, I love you, and you love me too. Even if we don’t know what’s wrong, we can fix it going forward. We can do that.”

Each separated word was sweet, but the combined sentence was rigid.

“I will love you forever.”

He knows it is true. Because Leo will too, forever. Nevertheless, his mouth uttered different words.

“That’s not enough.”

He could not accept that. He already knew it, he had said it with his own mouth, but still, he could not accept that fact.

“I’m sorry.”

Nevertheless, Leo continued.

“But now, that alone is not enough.”

After those words, Harrison closed the distance a little more.

“Leo, do you love me?”

With the distance closed, their gazes naturally met again.

“Yes.”

He squeezed the hand he had been holding a little tighter, intertwining their fingers, and his other hand gently cupped Leo’s cheek.

“If you really want to break up with me, if you even have a doubt, tell me you don’t love me.”

And then that hand gently caressed his cheek.

“Otherwise, I will never let you go.”

The voice was dictatorial, yet gentle.

“Leo, do you still remember what you said when we first started dating?”

Leo quietly nodded his head in that hand. When he first started dating Harrison, Leo did not want to date at all if it was only going to be for a few months, or a few years. If they did not date, they would see each other for the rest of their lives, and he did not want to lose that kind of relationship.

So Leo had told Harrison that if he really wanted to date him, he had to love him forever. Just as Leo had answered without hesitation to Harrison’s words that his sacrifice was needed for them to date, Harrison had also accepted that demand without hesitation.

“No matter what happens, I will continue to love you, and I will never let you go.”

As he said, Leo had wanted that. Then, and perhaps even now.

“In a few years, we’ll think of today as something in the past. Just like we talk while looking at the piercing, while looking at the tattoo.”

Leo reflexively, slowly, looked at Harrison’s eyebrow, and then at the chest hidden by his clothes. As he said, he no longer knows that feeling. He was so angry that Harrison had appeased him with that piercing, he was so sick of the extreme championship fight that Harrison had gotten a tattoo with his name on it.

In fact, he had known for a long time. It was compensation.

“Leo, we’re going to be okay.”

After the low voice, their lips met gently and naturally. Leo closed his eyes and pulled Harrison closer. What would the next compensation be?

[Leo! Hope is finally here!]

At the cheerful tone from the phone he had received while half-asleep, Leo answered with a groan.

“You’re crazy. It’s the crack of dawn here.”

Jude, who had left for America, was running a small farm. He originally had only one horse, but had been planning to bring in a retired racehorse that had nowhere to go for a while. It seems he finally really brought him.

“Why are you doing this to me.”

He knew how much Jude had worried and looked forward to it, so Leo wanted to congratulate him happily too, but he would much rather do it during the day or evening. Not at dawn.

[Because Harry is an athlete who needs to manage his condition, and if I call Dad and wake Mom up too, Mom will kill me?]

“I’m a civilian. Be a little considerate.”

[A growing family is a happiness that can’t be postponed. Anyway, I was worried, but he’s getting along with Sapphire and he’s so cute. I’ll send you a picture, wait a second.]

Leo did not answer and just buried his face in his pillow.

[Did you see it?]

He must have dozed off for a moment, because at the voice that came out, Leo shook his head even though he knew it was not a video call.

“Later.”