LDR Ch 36

Still, he answered vaguely, and for a moment, a chaotic noise came through the phone.

“Jude.”

[Yes?]

“Are you happy?”

At the sudden question, a laugh was heard from the other side.

[Yes.]

After the unhesitating answer, a gentle voice followed.

[You?]

The voice was familiar, and perhaps it even resembled someone’s.

“I fought with Harry. Badly.”

[Hold on.]

Then there was a brief rustling sound, and the surroundings became quiet, as if he had gone inside.

[Okay. Tell me. What did he do wrong this time?]

“Why do you always think he’s the one who’s wrong?”

[It’s usually like that.]

“Still, you should take Harry’s side sometimes.”

From long ago, whenever Harrison and Leo fought, Jude would always take Leo’s side. He would say that Harrison had met him six years ago, while Leo had not seen him for six years, so he had to make up for the six years of being a hyung that he had missed, but it has already been much longer than six years.

[He cusses me out if I don’t take your side.]

At the matter-of-fact voice, Leo mumbled with his face still buried in the pillow and asked.

“Did you also know that Harry liked me from way back?”

[Ah, so you fought because of that?]

“Not exactly, but just.”

Leo slowly continued his words.

“Jude, would Harry have become a driver even if it wasn’t for me?”

[No.]

The unhesitating voice, nevertheless, softened slightly and continued with concern.

[Is that why you fought?]

“It’s not that we fought, it’s just that I was wrong.”

At Leo’s voice, still laced with sleepiness, there was no reply from Jude for a moment, but it soon continued calmly.

[Leo, I don’t know how you’ll take this, but just know that I’m not blaming you.]

“Okay.”

[Mom and Dad already knew from my experience that the process of moving up to the higher categories in motorsport isn’t that great, so they had no intention of raising Harry as a professional unless he actively wanted it.]

“Okay.”

It is a very old memory now, but Heather and William had said to wait a few more years when Harrison first started competing. That he was too young now. But Harrison had competed in those races. And he quickly advanced to the higher categories. Because Leo had told him to.

[It’s different now, but you know too. That Harry didn’t have a competitive streak. He was sent to the karting class because he didn’t have any friends, and he preferred to just run alone on the track, or in the park, or places like that when no one was around.]

“Okay.”

[Even when he first said he wanted to compete, everyone actually tried to stop him. If he really wanted to compete, he should, but they said to do it in a few years since he was still too young. We all even scared him. We said there would be cameras if he went there, that strange adults would come up and talk to him, that he’d have to be with kids he didn’t know, and that he’d have to greet a lot of people. But he kept saying he was going to compete, so in the end, we asked him. Why he wanted to compete.]

A hint of laughter mixed into his voice. As if remembering that time.

[So he said this. He said you told him. Isn’t it cool to win a race?]

Leo thought with his eyes still closed. Of a memory he could not even properly remember now.

[That’s why we allowed it. What can you do when a kid wants to look cool to the person he likes?]

He wanted to say he did not know. I didn’t know he liked me back then. I didn’t know my words had that much influence. But he said nothing. Whether he knew or not, he had wanted Harrison to compete.

[To be honest, I’m not sure either. Maybe even without you, Harry would have fallen for some other kid and competed to look good to them, or maybe he would have caught someone’s eye in some category and ended up in F1 anyway.]

That voice uttered the exact sentence Leo had been thinking, but unlike Leo’s justification, it continued.

[But I can’t imagine Harry liking another kid enough to listen to whatever they say and try to look good to them in any way, and if someone else had had their eye on him, Dad would have taken care of it. And I don’t think he would have said he wanted to be a pro driver on his own either.]

The voice that had been coming through gently now continued firmly.

[Leo, you may have been the trigger, but it was still Harry’s choice.]

“Then what about my choice?”

Leo still did not lift his face from the pillow. He felt suffocated, short of breath.

[In a case like this, would Becca be of any help?]

A faint laugh escaped him at the ambiguous voice. Rebecca was Jude’s girlfriend from his school days to the early days of his professional career, but they broke up because Jude cheated on her. Then the accident happened, and somehow they got back together and lived together in America, but in the end, they broke up for good.

Jude would naturally know why Leo was asking these questions, and in that case, Rebecca, who had suffered greatly having a motor racing driver as a boyfriend, would be perfect for advice.

When they last broke up, they had ended the relationship by mutual agreement, so they were not on bad terms, and so Harrison and Leo would naturally keep in touch with Rebecca from time to time. But that was just exchanging Christmas cards, not to the extent of suddenly sharing such deep concerns. In the first place, he did not need that kind of advice right now.

[Sigh, I’m sorry for waking up an already distressed kid for no reason.]

At the voice that clearly conveyed his complexity, Leo finally turned to lie on his back.

“I told Harry about you.”

Leo continued speaking, staring at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry.”

Jude is not just some story. He is a brother to Leo too. On top of that, Leo had watched Jude’s rehabilitation process from quite close. At the time, Leo was preparing for university and had stubbornly studied in Jude’s hospital room.

Jude is not a story topic. Nevertheless, he had made him one. What is unforgivable is that kind of contradiction.

[It probably wasn’t a good story, was it?]

Nevertheless, Jude’s voice was warm, as if to soothe Leo. So Leo just, said it.

“Harry doesn’t talk about things like that. About back then.”

He does not know exactly what Harrison talks about with Jude. With Leo, he had only talked about things like Jude’s horse being in low spirits, or the chickens laying eggs well recently. But he did not think Harrison would talk about “back then” with Jude either.

“He’s really never, not even once with me, ever talked about it.”

Leo continued speaking, still staring at the ceiling.

“How it was back then, what he was thinking when he continued to race, whether he was scared, or not scared, how it is now. Things like that. Not once.”

The voice that came out sounded strangely calm even to his own ears.

“It’s not that I was unhappy about it. Just, he’ll tell me someday. That day will come someday. It’s natural. No matter how long it takes, well, by the time he’s 60, he’ll probably say something at least once.”

He had exaggerated the time frame, but it was not something he had set in stone. He just thought that since they would always be together, he would tell him someday. That is what he had thought.

“But still, I just pushed him.”

Leo tried not to turn his head. To avoid looking at the picture of Harrison on the nightstand, which was always naturally visible when he woke up.

“I called him selfish.”

It had been a long time since his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but fortunately, all he could see now was the clean ceiling.

“Even though that’s what I wanted, even though there’s no one who wanted him to become a driver as much as I did, even though there’s no one who wants him to win as much as I do.”

If there is anyone who loves Harrison’s victories the most, it is Leo. More than the person himself. Even from the time when that person did not properly know the meaning of victory, the thrill of it, Leo had known it instinctively.

“But now I don’t know anymore.”

At the low voice, which was no different from before, a sigh was heard from over the phone for a moment.

[Leo, first of all, I’m still a bit shocked that you two haven’t even talked about things like that. I knew, but hearing it directly from your mouth is something else.]

And then the voice continued.

[And I’m also shocked that you regret mentioning it, and that Harry made you feel that way.]

“It’s not like that, it’s just the way I…”

He was about to say that the way he had mentioned it was wrong, but Jude cut him off before he could.

[Leo, it’s a bit funny for me to say this now since I’ve never properly talked about what happened back then to you or Harry, but Harry is a driver. What happened to me, or maybe something worse, could happen to him too. And he saw it himself. What happens to a person. You saw it too.]

“Jude.”

He had called his name without even realizing what his voice sounded like, but the other person continued speaking calmly.

[I’m telling you the truth. Like I just said, I’m happy. I really am. But since the accident, I can’t even ride a motorcycle, let alone race, and I can’t even drive long distances. I can’t run, and I get tired if I try to concentrate on something, and I can barely hear out of my left ear. This is the reality. And it’s a miracle.]

No one is unaware that it is a miracle. At least, Leo knows. Nevertheless, it was the first time Jude had described his condition in this way, so all the words felt strange.

[Harry, should have said it himself before you had to say it. Because he doesn’t have the luxury of just thinking optimistically.]

Luxury. That word particularly stuck in his ear. Yes. Some people enjoy such luxuries. But some people learn that it is a luxury. By paying a high price.

[I don’t want to say it like this, but Leo, of course Harry is my younger brother. But you’re my younger brother too.]

The words, the tone, the voice, were all unfamiliar.

[Just this once, I’ll speak not thinking about Harry, but just as your hyung.]

Jude, does not speak to Leo in this way. He always spoke to Leo as if he were still about 17, as if addressing a much younger brother.

[Harry is not a good man to be in a relationship with.]

Nevertheless, at the firm and decisive voice that came out, Leo somehow answered automatically.

“I know. But…”

But at the unfinished sentence, Jude’s voice had softened again.

[But you like him anyway?]

“Yes.”

[For now, sleep. Wake up, drink some warm tea, eat breakfast, exercise, and get some sun.]

“Okay.”

[And if you want to talk again, call me anytime.]

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He could not say anything else. Not that he was thinking anything in particular. Just, Leo hung up the phone and closed his eyes again.

As Jude had said, Leo slept more, drank warm tea, ate, exercised, got some sun, worked, and finally, after having dinner at his family home, he returned to his own house.

Daily life was strange. He had never thought the world would stop just because something was happening to him, but even his own daily life went on smoothly. The relationship, heading towards 8 years, and 21 years, was not something that could be named with a single word, but was just like his own life. Nevertheless, regardless of the crisis, life went on properly, and steadily.

Leo, who had just come back from showering in the bathroom, felt a sense of languor despite everything and leaned against the sofa, looking outside. Looking at the well-tended garden reminded him of Harrison’s garden. The gardens of Harrison’s house and his family home were extremely different. The garden of the house Harrison owned was just managed for the lawn, but the garden of the family home was always lush thanks to William’s dedicated care. He had planted his first sapling there.

Leo sighed at the memory that he kept returning to, no matter what stray thoughts he had. As he sat there quietly for a long time, the phone he had placed on the table suddenly vibrated.

He checked the screen, it was Jude. He got the time difference right this time, at least.

[Are you off work?]

“Yes.”

At the mundane answer, Jude hesitated for a moment for some reason.

[Leo, actually, there’s something I’m sorry about too.]

“Hmm?”

At the unexpected words, he furrowed his brow slightly, and the voice soon continued.

[There was a time when Harry said he was going to quit.]

Leo quietly, just as he had been before hearing those words, listened to the continuing voice while half-leaning against the sofa. To be precise, it was more that he had not properly understood what was being said.

[Harry is a kid who has never prayed for anything other than for his height to stop growing.]

What he said was true. Even in a sport that relies on luck and superstition, Harrison does not believe in factors he cannot control.

[But he prayed back then. He said he would give up anything if I just woke up. That he didn’t have to race anymore. Even though racing was his life back then, and still is now.]

What expression, what voice, what heart did the Harrison of that time have when he said those words. He could not imagine that either. Unlike Jude, Leo, Heather, William, and even Victoria, who had cried at times, Harrison had never cried.

From the time Jude was in a coma after the accident until he left for America, he had just done what he had to do. Silently. Had he made such a decision so steadfastly?

[I think that’s actually why he wagered it. He probably thought he had to wager something important to get something important. But since I really did wake up, he was going to quit.]

Leo looked out at the already dark outside. Why was it not shocking, even though it was a story he was hearing for the first time. He was curious about that. Why he was not surprised.

[I just couldn’t understand it at all. There’s no relationship between me waking up and him quitting. It’s not like they’re connected in any way. So I found it so strange. Why he thought he had to give one thing up to get another.]

The voice broke off for a moment, then continued in a low tone.

[But later, after everything had passed, when I thought about it, it’s just that Harry, that kid, only knows that way. Because that’s how he lived, and that’s what he grew up watching.]

There was no need to add an explanation. Because Leo also knew what he meant. William had retired to focus on his family. Racing and the daily life of going to kindergarten with his child for the first time, taking them to school, and going camping together on weekends could not coexist.

Jude, unlike Harrison, had many friends at school, but he could not go to their birthday parties or go to concerts with them. Because he had to participate in races on weekends.

Harrison would often follow Jude to his races on weekends, but as his own race schedule started to fill up, he could no longer see other family members on weekends.

If you want one thing, you have to sacrifice another. You cannot have everything. Not in a conceptual sense, but physically impossible. In other professions, one might have learned of that impossibility later, but not in Harrison’s world. Because his dad, his hyung, his friend, and he himself were all in that world. He knows no other world.

[But I just couldn’t stand that.]

The voice was natural, but the edges were frayed. Like a corner that has been folded and left a mark.

[At least I had other things. I had a lot of friends, and I liked school. So I liked going to races on weekends, but sometimes I hated it. I wanted to go to my close friend’s birthday party too, and I wanted to spend the whole weekend with my girlfriend, and I wanted to sleep in, well, things like that.]

In that respect, Leo was more similar to Jude than to Harrison. So he understood everything Jude was saying.

[Still, I did it all because I wanted to, so it’s not that I’m complaining about it now, but that at least I had other things. Things I liked enough to want to put racing aside sometimes.]

He understands it so deeply that he can know the sentence that has not yet come out.

[But Harry is not like that.]

A memory from long ago lingered. He has nothing but that. He’ll probably die if he’s not a driver. He does nothing but race. That voice. The definitive statement that no one had refuted, that even he had not been able to refute.

[So I told him not to quit.]

What did you look like when you heard those words? But what comes to mind is Harrison in front of me. The image of him saying that if I wanted him to quit, I should say so. That he would quit then.

[I told him to race.]

And then an image of himself came to mind. The image of himself who had not been able to give any answer to that question. The image of himself who had not dared to choose a different path like Jude.

[To keep going. If you love racing, keep going.]

Leo thought of the 18-year-old, 19-year-old Harrison. Harrison’s driving had become more and more bold and aggressive as he moved up the categories. But the change was most evident in those years.

He had not paid close attention to the change in Harrison, who had wanted to continue racing but did not have a strong desire for it to be F1. Because, since F1 is everyone’s aspiration, it was not suspicious at all even if it had manifested then. But to you, was it like some kind of proof?

[I just couldn’t stand it. The fact that he might give it up because of me. The fact that even if it wasn’t because of me, it could be the trigger.]