LDR Ch 39

When he opened his eyes again, he met those eyes looking up at him, unchanged from the first time, in the same consistent way.

“The fact that I had that thought, the fact that I had that thought about you…”

Leo could not finish his sentence. Instead, he just looked at Harrison.

“Harry, I, have done whatever I wanted to do.”

He has not always lived consciously of his privilege, but he knows he has it. And that he can do anything with it. Leo can fix the things he dislikes. He can stop Harrison from going out on the-track, and he can lock him up.

And he did not want to admit the ability to have such thoughts, the ability itself to have such thoughts. To me, you’re not just that. But still, more and more, he did not want to let him out of that stereotyped and narrow space.

“And you, if I really wanted to do that, you would let me do as I please this time too.”

What was most unbearable was that. Because Harrison had absolutely no self-defense ability, and acted as if his life was Leo’s.

“I can’t stand that.”

It is not difficult to predict that Harrison would not even think of getting out. Even if he were to break this kid and lock him up so only he could see him, he would not be hated. That is why he could not admit it. That I love you in that way, and you love me in that way.

“Leo.”

Suddenly, that hand gently cupped Leo’s cheek.

“I know I’ve pushed my life onto you.”

The expression he met again was slightly subdued. Rather than a desperation to grab onto something, a calm energy settled in. Nevertheless, the area around his eyes suddenly furrowed.

“I know I’m not a good person to you either.”

His gaze wavered briefly, as if he wanted to escape somewhere, but he still did not take his eyes off of him.

“I definitely wouldn’t have been able to live like I do now if it wasn’t for you. If it wasn’t for you, I would have definitely lived without thinking about my body, looking at data until dawn, riding the simulator, taking sleeping pills, taking stimulants, I would have lived like that. I might have drank without control under the excuse that the race was over.”

The voice continued as if it had been thought over and over again, as if it were an obvious fact that was no longer new.

“If it wasn’t for you, I would have gone straight to the head office as soon as I arrived in England without even stopping by my family home, and then left for the next circuit just like that.”

It was not a voice boiling with emotion. Rather, it was a subdued voice, as if everything had been dropped far below a long time ago and was just occasionally rising and falling with the current.

“If it wasn’t for you, I definitely, wouldn’t have been able to control anything. Because I would just do what I want to do, and live by pushing forward what I thought I had to do.”

Harrison dropped his gaze for a moment, just like the end of his voice.

“If you hadn’t disliked that side of me, and hadn’t been disappointed in me, I would have definitely lived like that.”

His chest pounded dully, feeling suffocated. He wanted to push his hand away, and he wanted to embrace him. He wanted to leave the room, and he wanted to get closer. He wanted to get angry, and he wanted to apologize.

“But I’ve never been that person to you.”

Nevertheless, Leo could do nothing.

“I’ve never been the one to hold you up like that, to make you go further.”

Harrison had said he was someone who could not let go of things, but Leo knows that explanation is not perfect. Such a static expression is insufficient. Harrison, more than that, holds on. He does not hide it either. He just gives away everything he has to offer. Without any pride. Without any worry of getting hurt.

“As you said, I’ve never disliked you, nor have I ever been disappointed in you.”

Their gazes met again.

“I’m not someone who makes you better, or someone who makes you a better person.”

The brown eyes no longer wavered.

“But still, give me just a little, just a little more time.”

“I…”

At Leo’s choked-out voice, Harrison replied calmly.

“I’m sorry.”

When he blinked, a drop of water fell onto his cheek.

“I just, don’t want you to get hurt.”

At the dazed voice, Harrison furrowed his brow, as if in pain.

“Leo.”

The call was so familiar. Not because of the barely 10 years they had spent as lovers, but because of the more than 20 years they had spent together as family.

“I’ve never once wished for you to get hurt.”

How much I cherish and love this kid. You’re too precious to be consumed by a shallow emotion like possessiveness. I supported your dream so much to have it broken by a narrow judgment that it’s dangerous.

“I’m sorry.”

At the apology that came out once again, Leo just said.

“But I liked you being on the track, and I knew you could get hurt, but still, I always liked watching you get into that car, and that, I…”

He wanted to say he was sorry. I’m sorry that you haven’t changed, but I have. I’m sorry for supporting your danger. I’m sorry for, even for a moment, wanting to just have you rather than cherishing you. I’m sorry for thinking my judgment was right over your will. I’m sorry for pressuring you with the general standards of the world. I’m sorry that I can no longer figure out what you need.

But not a single word could come out. Leo did not push away Harrison, who had carefully stood up and was now holding him in his arms. As he just quietly leaned into that warmth, a gentle hand touched the back of his head.

“I’ll get better.”

As he leaned his forehead on that shoulder and hugged his back, the all-too-familiar body was sorrowful.

“Promise me.”

Leo just shook his head in that embrace.

“But I wished you were hurt, that you would break and never get up again, sincerely, I sincerely wished for it.”

Harrison just silently listened to Leo’s voice and patted his back, just like in some long-ago childhood.

“Leo, I promise.”

If one of them were to cry, it was always Leo. He cried because he fell and it hurt, he cried because his parents divorced, he cried because he missed his siblings, or for other reasons.

Whenever that happened, Harrison would just be by Leo’s side, somehow finding words to comfort him.

“Neither I, nor you, will break.”

Even now, it seemed as if these words and that tone, the atmosphere, had not changed at all from back then. Even after so much time has passed. So Leo, said quietly.

“I’m sorry.”

The body touching his stiffened.

“I don’t believe you, or myself.”

After those words, Leo pulled away from the embrace. Nevertheless, Harrison’s hand gently touched the area around Leo’s eye and wiped away the wet skin. So, so gently.

“Leo, I know you’re tired.”

At Leo’s appearance, who did not say anything, did not nod, did not shake his head, Harrison quietly looked at Leo.

“Just give me a little more time, please.”

Harrison did not ask Leo what he wanted to do from now on. At that, something hot welled up inside him, but at the same time, everything felt cold, as if it had been washed away.

“That’s enough.”

Leo stared at the eyes that had never once avoided his gaze, and slowly nodded.

Summer Vacation

Harrison, who started in 3rd place at the Hungaroring, finished in 2nd, and Nate, who started in 5th, crossed the finish line in 4th. The fact that they had both moved up one position was thanks to the driver who was originally in 2nd place retiring due to a technical issue, so it was a Grand Prix without any particular incidents.

And during the summer vacation that followed, Leo and Harrison, for some reason, were in Switzerland. As if to mock the fact that they had fought so severely right before and Leo had even cried, the peaceful daily life flowed by, and Leo stared blankly at the scenery outside.

“Leo, the spaghetti is burnt.”

Leo, who was sitting on the sofa holding a cup of tea, not fully awake yet, reflexively turned his head at Harrison’s words. He did not know what was so proud about it that he was showing him, but as Harrison had said, the ends of the spaghetti in the pot had turned black.

“Can this even burn?”

“Apparently so. It didn’t burn when I made it on the induction stove, but this is a gas stove.”

“Then you have absolutely no dishes you can cook now.”

“I can cook on an induction stove.”

“Fine, from now on, when you say what you can cook, say it’s spaghetti made on an induction stove.”

At Leo’s words, Harrison gave a rough shrug and returned to the kitchen with the pot. The cottage they were staying in now was where they had lived together for a little over a year a few years ago when Leo’s grandfather was ill.

When his grandfather passed away, he had left the cottage to Harrison and Leo, but since Harrison had immediately renounced his ownership, it was just Leo’s property. Even so, Leo himself had not visited since.

Nevertheless, the cottage they had returned to was comfortable and familiar, and in contrast, Harrison was doing something he had never done before. Since when did he cook?

Leo just checked Harrison’s phone to see if there were any messages. Harrison was really doing something he had never done before, saying that he would focus only on Leo this vacation and would not even look at his phone.

Seeing no particular messages, Leo put down the phone and at the same time, looked at Harrison who was bringing over a plate.

“Harry, let’s just call someone.”

The dishes Harrison could make were very limited, and thanks to that, for four days, they had been eating toast, salad, and eggs for breakfast every morning. Since Harrison did not have the ability to flip an egg at the right time without breaking it, it was even always scrambled eggs.

“No. I’ll make you something that’s really like a meal for lunch today.”

He could not understand how he had become obsessed with cooking. In the first place, even when they had lived at this cottage for a year, his grandfather’s nurse, manager, and cooks were all there. So there was no way he could have suddenly developed a nostalgia for cooking, which he had never done before, just by coming to this cottage.

Or was it a family trait? Come to think of it, William had always cooked himself, and Jude, after going to America, had suddenly started cooking everything himself.

“Hey, do you like this kind of thing?”

Still, since he had brought it over, he asked while eating the toast, and Harrison asked back while pouring more tea into Leo’s cup.

“Hmm?”

“Do you like this kind of domestic thing.”

Harrison did not give any answer and just glanced at Leo and ate his toast. It was an answer that said, You know I don’t.

“Exactly. Since when did you like that kind of thing and do all the housework?”

Not just cooking, but Harrison seemed to have taken up a hobby in house management and was trying to do all the other chores as well. Even though he left his own house in England to a manager.

“It’s not that I’ve never liked it. I just haven’t tried it.”

Come to think of it, Harrison seemed to be trying a few things lately. On the day the Hungarian Grand Prix ended, he had stayed at the party for longer than usual and seemed to be doing something called socializing. For the first time in the 8 years they had worked together, he had gone out for dinner alone with Manuel. After coming to the cottage, he had touched a violin again for the first time in years, and had taken a book out of his grandfather’s library. It was as if he were doing some self-exploration now.

Come to think of it, Leo had also never seen Harrison find a hobby other than racing, or spend time on things unrelated to racing, so that sight was somehow both annoying and hard to completely ignore, both frustrating and curious.

“Oh, but I haven’t heard from Heather, did you tell her beforehand?”

As he changed the subject for no reason, Harrison suddenly stood up from his seat, brought the blanket that was hanging on the side, and covered Leo’s lap with it as he asked back.

“About coming here?”

“No. Not that. You said you didn’t want to look at your phone while you were here. So I was wondering if that’s why Heather hasn’t been in touch. Usually, around this time, she’d ask us to take a picture and send it to her.”

He also wondered where he should take the picture. It was not like their location would be revealed just by taking a picture, but still, he wanted to keep the cottage as hidden as possible. Then he would have to take him somewhere a little further away.

“Mom probably won’t be sending those messages anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because she quit.”

At the unexpected words, Leo, who was holding his mug with his hands, reflexively stiffened. So, there’s no answer? Him? No. It can’t be like that, it’s probably not. Of course, the tension between the teammates had risen and their image in the media was not friendly, but it was civil now. With his previous teammate, Stefan, things had been much worse. Having gone through that, it was unlikely he would suddenly feel like he could not do it anymore over this.

“When?”

“We talked about it when I went home after the Austrian Grand Prix, but since she can’t quit right away, she decided to come only until the Hungarian Grand Prix. She’ll be handing over her duties during this vacation, and then she’ll quit for good after the vacation is over.”

Leo suddenly stopped all reactions and questions. There was no need to rack his brain to remember what had happened between Leo and Harrison at that time. At that time, of all places, that incident had happened at that track, and Leo could not take it anymore. Was it the same for Heather? Even though they knew each other well, he could not, in fact, gauge it.

“I know I’ve been selfish all this time. Even though I never once asked Mom to come with me, I never said she didn’t have to be by my side either. I never thought Mom was being forced to work, but as you said, she probably wouldn’t have had a reason to work here if it wasn’t for me.”

The everyday voice, just like when he was talking about the burnt spaghetti a moment ago, blended with his serene expression and was endlessly natural.

“So if Mom really likes this job, then of course I’m happy too, but if it’s not that, if it’s because of me, if she’s here not because she likes the job but because she loves me, then I told her she can stop now.”

“And so?”

It should have been a question that came out cautiously, but in reality, it was a question with a quite everyday atmosphere.

“Mom said that work is just work, so there’s nothing to like or dislike about it, but that she was getting a little tired of constantly traveling. So if you were to classify it, it’s a job change due to the work environment.”

He had never once thought about it. And that, Harrison would be the first to bring it up. Leo did not know how to react, but fortunately, Harrison continued on his own.

“But Mom told me not to think I can just handle things on my own and to definitely get another PR person to go with me from now on. She said there’s a colleague from the same company as her who went into managing athletes, so she’ll contact them.”

There’s a sponsor event after this race. The attitude, as if he were saying something like that, was so natural that it was, on the contrary, mundane.

“Why didn’t you tell me until now?”

Unlike Leo, who was scrutinizing his expression as if to find something in that face, Harrison answered while stirring his salad.

“It’s a bit strange to say it because it seems like I’m purposely trying to win your favor to change your mind.”

Harrison’s hand, pouring more tea into his cup, was calm and neat.

“I talked to Manny too. Well, Manny would change drivers or quit right away if he didn’t want to work with me, so not things like that, but just, if there was ever a time he was scared while working with me.”

Leo, still in the same posture of holding his cup, could not even move and just looked at Harrison.

“Whether I’m too impulsive, or careless, or aggressive, so I look dangerous. If he’s ever felt like I was going to hurt someone else, or myself.”

The attitude, the voice, the words, none of it had any peculiar aspect. But, that is why every single word was deeply embedded. The evenness that must have been practiced countless times.

“I also asked if he wanted to do an office job but was coming to the field because of me, and he said it was half true and half not. It was true that he was originally only supposed to be in charge of me for a year, but after watching me, he thought this kid is going to get eaten alive by Steve. So he was going to take charge for one more year, and then after that, he felt like I was going to win the championship but couldn’t, and he was so frustrated that he felt he had to see it through to feel relieved, and then after that, he just liked it.”

His gaze, instead of meeting Leo’s, just stared at the corner of the plate.

“Because, I win.”

It is a story that he might have never mentioned in his entire life.

“He said that being able to create that, that’s what he likes. That he had forgotten that feeling for a while, but he could feel it again. He said he could feel again why he’s still in this business even though he hates it.”

There was no need to mention it to Heather, or to Manuel, he could have just gone on as he had been. Nevertheless, Harrison had decided to bring up the long-postponed story, expecting some discomfort, and he had actually done so, and had finally laid it out in front of Leo. He could not not know the reason for it.