LDR Ch 41

At that smooth sophistry, Leo pulled Harrison’s hair once on behalf of his grandfather. And yet, when he gently stroked that head which was feigning pain, Harrison moved a little closer and leaned in to look at the remaining photos together.

That warmth was familiarly warm, yet somehow strange. It was even more so when he looked at the photos. Of course, while they lived together at the villa, his grandfather had acknowledged Harrison as Leo’s partner. But that just meant he no longer viewed him with displeasure as before, not that he liked him.

And yet, looking at the photos his grandfather had taken now, Harrison and Leo looked so very affectionate. They smiled while looking at each other, leaned their bodies toward each other, whispered things, and met each other’s gaze.

Leo looked at the image of himself and Harrison leaning against the balcony frame, making eye contact and talking about something, and said.

“I thought I would be sad if I came here. You can see everything, you know. I can feel that Grandfather was here then, but not now. To be honest, it’s still a little sad when I think about him, but it’s not like I’m only ever sad.”

That was actually why he had not visited this villa even once since his grandfather passed away. It might be better to say he could not visit. But just as he said now, in reality, it wasn’t just sad. Of course, he remembered his grandfather, but it was not in a sad way.

Instead of any words, Leo simply followed Harrison’s hand as it gently pulled him closer. Leo, who naturally leaned his head on that shoulder, was checking the photos one by one when he suddenly spoke.

“I saw your interviews a while ago. The ones filmed back then, before you started dating me.”

In the photos, Harrison was clearly more mature than the Harrison in those interviews, but he sparkled just the same as him.

Outside the track and inside it, no one said Harrison was complete. When he first started competing in karting tournaments, he was reviewed as having a driving style that followed the racing line well but was not distinctive, and later, after he changed to an aggressive style, they said it was too crude.

But, even so, everyone recognized Harrison. As a diamond in the rough. A raw stone that would surely become a jewel if polished. A genuine one, not a fake packaged to look decent only on the surface.

“Why did you do that when you knew I wouldn’t be watching?”

It gets bumped, scraped, and worn down. The surface that protected its interior is ground away and polished into a pleasing shape. It is pressed, refined, and illuminated by a light at its most brilliant angle. The parts that were originally its own are ground away and disappear, and when the blunt parts are adjusted to look delicate, only then is it bestowed the title of a jewel.

As time passed, the Harrison in the interviews shone dazzlingly. The appearance of him, displayed with a flash aimed at the parts that would shine most colorfully, was bound to contain a powerful aesthetic.

“Just because.”

Leo looked at the photo as he heard the voice flowing from beside him. The Harrison in the photo was not that intense. There was no direct gaze, no passion that would sweep everything away, and no layered defensive shield. The Harrison in the photo was calm, lukewarm, and unguarded. So Leo quietly looked at the Harrison in that photo. Because even so, he sparkled just the same.

“Because the time we could talk was short, and the time we could see each other was even shorter. So I just said it. Because I kept thinking about you.”

“Then why did you ask if I saw your interviews? What would you have done if I’d watched them because I was curious?”

“Then I would have been a little embarrassed, but I still would have been happy to have a topic to talk about with you for even a little bit longer.”

Only then did Leo raise his head and look at Harrison. A side of him that only I can see. He wasn’t unaware of how flimsy a fantasy it was, but could there be anything as tempting?

The boy who had so excited the gossip columns since his youthful features had not yet faded had now grown into a man attractive enough for all others to acknowledge, had already risen to the top of his industry, and yet, in the end, the things he said were just like that.

That he would have been happy to have a topic to talk about with the person he liked—that language, tone, and gaze, so naively innocent and undisguised. Like a vow to jump in without weighing anything.

Leo forced himself to turn his head back and checked the remaining photos.

“I would have hated it if I’d known. An interview is a channel to communicate with fans, so how could you use it like that? With no professional consciousness.”

He deliberately spoke as if he were blaming him, but it was obvious his tone was not like that. Leo flipped through the photos again, then stopped at a picture of Harrison playing the violin. Next to him, Leo was putting Adam and Finn to sleep. One should say it looked peaceful, but in reality, neither of them had any expression.

When Leo tilted the photo toward Harrison, Harrison shook his head.

“You didn’t even look at the violin for a while after this.”

It was understandable. After discovering by chance that the kids slept well when he played the violin for them, Harrison had literally played lullabies on that violin until his hands were raw. In the first place, that was the only thing he could play.

And Leo suddenly said.

“I thought I knew everything about you, but I don’t think that’s actually the case.”

He hadn’t known Harrison had talked about him in interviews, and he hadn’t known he had been taking photos all this time. It also hadn’t been long since he found out Harrison had liked him for such a long time.

“Then ask. I’ll tell you everything.”

When he naturally turned his head at the voice that came from beside him, Harrison gently met his gaze.

“Not today. Tomorrow.”

It was new to him, but the warm color of those eyes was something he hadn’t seen in a long time. It felt unfamiliar to recognize that gentle warmth.

“Tomorrow night, after putting the kids to sleep, let’s talk again.”

Leo lowered his gaze for a moment. At the end of his gaze, Harrison’s hands came into view. The knuckles of his interlocked hands were prominent, as if he were a little nervous, though he sat still. The Harrison before him did not show the crude immaturity of his childhood interviews, nor did he look as peaceful as in the photos from that era, nor was he simply as smooth as in his recent interviews.

And Leo loves all those moments, all of it. Harrison sparkled from the very beginning. He already shone brightly without adding or subtracting anything. He drew one’s eye even in his clumsy and blunt state. That is why Leo loves even those parts of him that were ground down and worn away.

And yet, paradoxically, he loves even that well-polished appearance. If he loves the scraped-off fragments, he should have to give up one or the other, yet he doesn’t.

So Leo nodded his head. Then he watched a soft smile appear on the face before him. Suddenly, the fundamental question occurred to him: how did I ever try to let you go? Neither you nor I would be able to let go. Because I am used to having, and you are used to holding on.

“I’ll put Finn to sleep tomorrow.”

And then, just like that, the days passed. They were busy looking after the kids, but they always made sure to talk about this and that at the end of the day.

Leo now knew that in the beginning of their relationship, Harrison couldn’t understand what Leo was saying about university, so he had watched university student vlogs by himself and memorized the campus map. That there were many times he had run after seeing Leo from afar, then caught his breath and called out as if it were nothing. That because someone said you shouldn’t win against someone you like, he had let him win, but then Leo had said you shouldn’t let him win either, so he had always devised ways to lose moderately when they played games together.

At last, the day before they were to return to England, Leo and Harrison, as usual, put all the younger ones to sleep and got into the hot tub on the terrace together, quietly looking up at the sky.

“Thinking about it now, don’t you think Grandfather supported our relationship a lot through his actions, even if he didn’t say so?”

The many photos he had taken of Harrison and Leo were like that, and so was this hot tub. Originally, the villa didn’t have a hot tub, but when Harrison and Leo came to live at the villa together, their grandfather had installed a hot tub, saying the two needed time alone.

“I thought he was just at the level of not opposing it all this time.”

“Why? Didn’t we all get along well back then?”

At the puzzled question, Leo turned his head toward Harrison.

“We did, but he still told me all about how much drivers cheat, how much they like women, how they can’t commit to relationships. Of course, he didn’t outright say you were like that too, but he did tell me a lot of anecdotes about the drivers my grandfather knew.”

“I’m learning a lot of things I didn’t know. I thought I had earned his approval, in my own way.”

“Approval was a given. That’s why he let us live together. We even had the kids with us during the holidays, right? But that and worrying are two different things.”

With those words, Leo glanced at Harrison.

“And you can’t say you were never that kind of driver.”

At that, Harrison awkwardly shut his mouth.

“Hey, still, I told my grandfather and my dad that all the articles about you were just rumors. Even though I knew a few weren’t rumors.”

“What about Victoria?”

“You think Mom wouldn’t know just because I lied for you?”

Leo could deceive his grandfather and his dad, but his mom, Victoria, was an exception. To Victoria, Harrison was like a son, so there was no way she wouldn’t know.

“True.”

At that neat reply, Leo stared intently at Harrison. Then Harrison, looking a little puzzled, touched his cheek once and swept his disheveled hair back. His wet hand pushed his hair back, revealing a fine forehead.

Leo looked at the piercing above Harrison’s eyebrow, then lowered his gaze to meet his eyes.

“When did you realize you were bi?”

It was a question that should have come up a long time ago, in retrospect, but Harrison answered the long-overdue curiosity nonchalantly.

“Probably, when I was 16, around then?”

“Wait, don’t tell me your first time back then was with a man, not a woman…”

Harrison decisively cut off Leo’s voice, which had come out without a second thought.

“You know that’s not it.”

Leo nodded vaguely. In terms of men, Harrison and Leo were each other’s first. They had talked about that a long time ago.

“I just wondered, since you said you were 16.”

To be honest, he had never heard the details of that time. That was natural, since he hadn’t wanted to hear them. But he did know that Harrison had had his first experience with someone around the age of 16. The age of 16 was imprinted on Leo’s mind, and when 16 was brought up again out of the blue, his subconscious had made him blurt it out.

“I really did wrong. It’s too stuck in your head.”

Leo splashed water at Harrison once, then gestured with his hand, meaning for him to continue.

“As I said, I didn’t know it at the time, but thinking about it now, I think I probably fell for you at first sight. And by the time you got your first girlfriend, I definitely knew I liked you.”

No matter how many times he heard it, he couldn’t get used to it, but the person saying it seemed to have gotten used to it as he spoke, for he continued smoothly.

“So I was thinking I was gay,”

“That came first?”

Leo had lived his life thinking he was straight until he fell for Harrison and realized he was bi, so he had naturally thought Harrison was the same. But it wasn’t that, he thought he was gay before realizing he was bi?

It would make sense if Leo was truly Harrison’s first love, but even knowing that, it was utterly strange. But Harrison nodded nonchalantly, then vaguely glanced at Leo.

“And then, back then. The time you just mentioned.”

“I get it.”

He didn’t even want to say it, but when he answered reluctantly, Harrison still glanced at Leo and stalled.

“Ah, what is it? I’m the one who asked. Just tell me.”

When he finally spoke out of frustration, Harrison averted his gaze as if to feign innocence.

“She looked cute. So I wondered if maybe I was attracted to women too, and I was right, and so I realized I was bi.”

It seemed like a lot was omitted, but he didn’t want to know the omitted parts either. When he just shut his mouth and glared at Harrison, Harrison looked up at the sky. He must be in the mood for stargazing.

“I know I was wrong, too.”

The voice that followed was much calmer and more serious. In truth, Leo had also had girlfriends before Harrison, so he wasn’t being one-sidedly jealous. It was more about the possibility. Harrison met people carelessly and broke up with them easily. Some people don’t do that even if they have the chance, but some people do. Harrison was the latter. That was a part of him he hadn’t particularly wanted to know.

“If someone asked me if I’m a good driver, I’d answer yes. I’m not sure about being an excellent driver, but first of all, I know I’m good. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have a seat.”

The voice that suddenly came out after a period of silence was not a proud or confident tone. It was simply calm.

“If they asked if I’m a good person, I might not have been to everyone, but I’d say I hope I was a good person to more people than not.”

Leo quietly looked at Harrison. Harrison had never been accustomed to revealing his emotions.

“But if they asked if I’m a good partner, I’d immediately answer no.”

Harrison still wasn’t looking at Leo. His voice, which continued as he just gazed at the sky, was as ordinary as before.

“Until now, because you loved F1 too, because you know I’m a good driver, because you liked that too, because you cheered for me, I know it made up for things to some extent.”

Listening to that voice, Leo suddenly asked.

“Harry, do you think I’m a good partner to you?”

Harrison’s gaze, which had been on the sky until now, quickly met his.

“I’ve never once, not a single time, told you that it’s okay to quit.”

Leo continued speaking while maintaining eye contact with Harrison.

“I’ve told you many times that you’ll be okay, and I’ve tried to find ways to help, but I’ve never once said it’s okay to quit.”

Harrison seemed about to say something, but Leo shook his head slightly, as if to block him.

“It might have helped your career. But as your partner, as just someone who loves you, wasn’t there a time when I should have told you to stop?”

It was a serious conversation, but every word he uttered felt natural. Without any sense of pressure or tension.

“But I never said it once.”

Leo and Harrison tell their younger siblings no when they want to eat more snacks, when they try to go outside in thin clothes, when they want to keep playing games. Letting them do what they want and caring for them are different things.

“Because I’ve never even considered you quitting. It’s the same now.”

Leo could no longer tell the boundary. How much of it was support, and how much was condoning abuse. How much of it was encouragement, and how much was passive coercion.

“It’s not just because I think you’d be unhappy if you weren’t a driver.”

Leo looked at Harrison quietly. If he told him to quit, he probably would. He knew that for a fact, of course. Harrison himself had said so. He didn’t think he would be unhappy if he quit, either.

“I know you wouldn’t be like that.”

He just wouldn’t be as happy as when he was a driver.

“And I know you wouldn’t resent me even if you did.”

Leo looked at the calm surface of the water for a moment, then met his gaze again.

“It’s not like that. It’s that I like that you’re a driver, and I like that you win.”

He had resented him as much as he could, so now it was time to be honest. Harrison said he would try, and he is actually trying. So, at the very least, he shouldn’t be a coward in front of him.

“It might not have always been the case, but there have definitely been times when I was cheering for your success, not your happiness.”

The gaze he met was as calm as the casually delivered confession.

“I’m the same.”

And those words followed just as quietly.

“Getting in the car is good. It’s good, but you have to win, you know. Now I can’t just get in the car vaguely, like, I’ll keep doing it because I like racing. Because it’s a team sport.”

Was it because they had come so far so quickly? Was it because he just liked being in a go-kart, because racing was just so natural? They had never talked about how that feeling had changed until now.

“From a selfish perspective, no team will seat a driver who can’t win, so I have to produce results somehow. Plus, I want to keep my seat for as long as possible, but unless you’ve won a championship or so, most drivers disappear once they’re a little over thirty. If you win a lot, the probability of staying for a long time goes up.”

Leo knew that Harrison was no longer just naive. In the first place, he couldn’t be. It wasn’t a field suitable for telling idealistic stories like doing what you love because you love it. They were as detached from reality as floating on a cloud, but they had to reach just as high to get there.

“As time goes on, a day will come when I can no longer win. A day will come when no team wants me anymore.”