LDR Ch 45

At those words, Harrison looked seriously at the half-eaten salad in front of him.

[It’s not exactly a menu I want to eat quickly anyway.]

“People used to call Richard a psychopath back in the day. Given your height, he wouldn’t have even let you drink water. Consider yourself blessed to be born in this era.”

No one was unaware of the reputation of Richard, Harrison’s current trainer. It was somewhat better now because of the minimum driver weight regulations.

“And it’s not like you really want to eat anything more, anyway.”

[That’s true.]

Compared to Leo, who had avoided food for fear of gaining weight back in his driver days, Harrison had never been particularly interested in food to begin with. He was the type to eat if told to eat, and not eat if told not to. Perhaps he was used to controlling his diet, given that his father and older brother were both riders who had to maintain much stricter weights than he did.

As Leo talked with Harrison about this and that, he thought to himself, somewhat surprised. We really don’t talk about F1. But, even so, the conversation never stopped. It was strange. Harrison had never even stepped outside that world. He was always in that world, except for when he was sleeping. And yet, he didn’t seem awkward talking about things outside of it.

So Leo felt that Harrison must have put in a lot of effort to be able to have these trivial conversations, these ordinary topics, these small subjects like the weather, to achieve this entire comfortable exchange.

It was too easy to assume Harrison could have conversations about things outside that world without any effort; Leo knew that Harrison was not that kind of person.

When he realized that, he often missed him. He was looking at him now, he was hearing his voice, but he wanted to feel his body heat directly, to meet his unfiltered eyes, to hear his voice without it passing through a network.

It had always been a long-distance relationship to some extent, so these calls had felt only natural, yet they were like clumsy lovers who, having encountered communication through a filter for the first time, wanted to reclaim something more essential.

“Harry, do you still have something to tell me when you get here?”

And at the words that suddenly left Leo’s mouth, Harrison looked up from the now almost-empty salad bowl.

“Yeah.”

He didn’t know what kind of answer he had been expecting. But, it seemed this wasn’t it. He could feel the corners of his mouth turning down before he could even control his expression.

“Okay.”

Leo, having barely managed to reply, quietly continued.

“I’ll make sure to free up some time.”

The Japanese Grand Prix was a disaster. They had managed to score points, at least, but Harrison finished sixth and Nathan seventh. It was a relief that Elias, who had been closely following them, had retired completely, widening the points gap between the drivers, but the other driver from that very team had won, so the team points difference had actually shrunk.

Leo, who heard the results in the gloomy atmosphere of the headquarters as soon as he got to work, debated whether or not to contact Harrison. He was in a debriefing right now, and although he wouldn’t go to sleep right after, the fact that Harrison would be back in England tomorrow was what held him back.

And Leo just, didn’t contact him. He knew the debriefing was over as he watched the staff members come out of the conference room one by one, but he just didn’t.

And then, as time just flowed, though not much time had actually passed, his phone suddenly vibrated.

[At the airport now]
[I’ll contact you when I arrive]

At the string of letters from a clear sender, Leo looked out the window for a moment. The plane carrying the entire team was scheduled to depart the next morning, Japan time. Which meant Harrison hadn’t even waited for that and had left immediately. Leo closed his phone.

The next day, Leo ignored a call that came on his way to work. He was driving. Even so, he didn’t forget to send a text saying he was driving.

Then, when the phone rang again insistently, Leo, finally in front of the office, rubbed his face dryly in frustration before answering.

“Yeah.”

[Leo, I’ve arrived.]

“So?”

Harrison’s hesitation was palpable at the uncooperative voice and tone. Then, his voice continued, slower and softer than before. It was obvious he was treading carefully.

[I was planning to pick you up at quitting time, which is more convenient for you, home or the office?]

But Leo paid no mind and answered curtly.

“I’m working in London today.”

As he said, Leo had been going back and forth between his grandmother’s investment firm and the ABW headquarters lately, and he was spending more time at the investment firm these days. Although his time management was relatively flexible, he had specifically chosen to work in London today, the day Harrison was returning.

[We were supposed to meet today.]

“I have my own work to do. Do you think I can just adjust my work schedule whenever you show up?”

[That’s not what I meant…]

His words trailed off, then continued cautiously.

[It must be tiring coming from London, so I’ll come pick you up. Your quitting time is the same, right?]

His irritation grew. If one had to pick the tired person, it was obviously Harrison. He might have slept on the plane, but that wouldn’t have gotten rid of his fatigue. Even though there was still time until he got off work, Harrison would be staying awake to adjust to the time difference, so he would be even more tired by the time Leo finished work.

Common sense dictated that he should rest today and they should meet tomorrow or later. But, as if he couldn’t wait even that long.

“Just send me the place. I’ll go there.”

[Why? I’ll come pick you up.]

“I don’t want you to.”

[Why?]

“I just don’t.”

[Even though it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other?]

“I said I don’t want you to, that’s all.”

When his tone, which had gone beyond cold, became outright irritated, the voice on the other end went silent for a moment.

[You’re really saying hurtful things.]

At the dejected voice, Leo hesitated as well, but still, no nice words came out.

“So what do you want me to do about it?”

[When you say things like that in person, it’s actually cute.]

“Didn’t you once say my voice was always pretty?”

[Well, yes, but.]

Leo knew that if this continued, he would become more and more attached to the phone call. So, before that could happen, he forced himself to speak.

“I’m hanging up. I’m busy right now, so text me the time and place.”

[Okay.]

A hint of disappointment was evident in his voice, but Leo hung up the phone without mercy. Putting his phone away, Leo was about to run a hand through his hair in frustration but realized he hadn’t even started work yet and took a deep breath.

Then, he finally moved and crossed the lobby. By the time he left this lobby again, he would have to face something inevitable, but what it meant to be an adult was that you had to work anyway.

The meeting place was a restaurant they had often gone to for a long time. So the way there should have been familiar, but in reality, it felt strange. Come to think of it, it had been a long time. In the early days of their relationship, Leo was still a university student and couldn’t go to every race, so their dates usually happened nearby when Harrison returned.

But once Leo graduated from university and his grandmother started preparing to reacquire ABW, Leo also started attending all of Harrison’s races for one reason or another. As a result, when they returned to England, they would just hole up in each other’s houses and didn’t bother going out.

On top of that, after races, even if they were abroad, they would mostly order room service at the hotel rather than go on separate dates, and when they did eat out, it was usually with the team members.

It wasn’t that he was conscious of it, nor was he dissatisfied. In the first place, they had been dating for eight years now. Leo himself would find it tiring if they still had to go out on dates every week. But just, his mood sank. At the fact that they were having dinner and talking at a proper restaurant after such a long time.

When he finally arrived at the restaurant and was guided by a staff member to a private room, he even started to feel like it was all a bit too much.

“You’re here?”

Leo didn’t even answer the greeting directed at him and just stared intently at Harrison. Harrison was wearing a suit and, for a rare occasion, had his hair neatly styled, which was not the look one would expect from someone who had just finished a race, taken a long flight, and barely made it home. He couldn’t remember seeing him like that unless there was an event.

He wondered if he had gone to the headquarters in the meantime, but there was no reason to go there dressed like that unless there was an event at the headquarters. It was a place where it was rarer to see someone wearing a shirt in the first place.

“Are you going somewhere after this?”

Surely he hadn’t made another appointment after telling Leo to free up his time, but it was just too strange unless he was going to a formal event afterward.

“No.”

“Then why are you dressed like that?”

“You’re wearing a suit, too.”

“I came from work.”

He said, not hiding his look of disbelief. Harrison rubbed the back of his neck as if embarrassed.

“Because it’s been a while?”

At his awkward voice, which sounded as if even he wasn’t sure, Leo finally sat down.

Nevertheless, in reality, the atmosphere quickly lightened. In the first place, it was a place with many memories. At first, they talked about how it had been a long time since they had been there, and about the last time they came. After the food arrived, they exchanged words about how it hadn’t changed from back then, and just like that, they had those kinds of conversations. And above all, because they had missed each other.

Leo and Harrison talked about trivial things. The strange things they said on the private jet while half-asleep and half-awake, the foolishly excited conversations they had while drunk, the nights they stayed up due to jet lag, the times they wandered around until a strange street became familiar, things like that.

“We ended up going all the way to the top that time. We’re not even the type to like scenery that much.”

At those words, Leo nodded. One day, after a Grand Prix had ended and before they had to go to the airport for their flight the next day, Leo and Harrison had snuck out and walked wherever their feet took them, got on a bus they wanted to ride, got off at a stop they wanted to get off at, and entered a church.

The church, which was said to have been used as a fortress in the past, had an endless staircase, and Leo and Harrison, for no particular reason, just climbed and climbed those stairs. They climbed, talking about how the view must be good since they were making the effort to climb the narrow stairs, but in reality, the view from the top was nothing special. Even so, it wasn’t disappointing.

“I think I just had fun doing anything like that with you.”

A smile appeared on Harrison’s face as he said that.

“So at some point, I guess it really didn’t matter what we were doing.”

And then, the end of that smile slowly softened.

“Leo, you said that I don’t have a life outside the track. But when I think about it, that’s all you, to me.”

They were romantic words, but in reality, his voice was calm and a little subdued.

“I didn’t know that it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. In a way, I just, didn’t make an effort. To the point where even you could feel it.”

His voice broke off for a moment, and Harrison’s gaze fell. Leo did not follow his gaze, but just looked at Harrison’s face. The face he was seeing for the first time in a while was handsome as always, and uncharacteristically neat. It was imbued with a calm yet tense atmosphere.

“Leo, lately, we’ve, we’ve been thinking a lot. We’ve talked a lot, too. We’ve even talked about things we’ve never talked about before.”

Leo did not answer, and Harrison continued, his gaze still lowered.

“About what it would be like if we broke up.”

Leo, just as before, just looked at Harrison’s face. The only thing caught between their slightly lowered gazes was the dessert plate, but his eyes did not look elsewhere.

“We won’t die without each other. We’ve even talked about the things we want to do after we break up.”

Leo finally blinked once.

“So we’ll just live, doing those things. We’re not the kind of people who can completely disappear from each other’s lives even if we break up, so we’ll hear news through our families, and I don’t know for sure, but as time passes, we might be able to see each other in person again. Of course, it won’t be like before, like now. But I know that we’ll learn how to treat each other again. Because we’re that precious to each other.”

Harrison’s gaze slowly met Leo’s again. Contrary to his expectation that it would hold hesitation, it was a very firm gaze.

“It took me too long to admit that it could be an option. I guess I’m still not that much of an adult.”

This time, it was Leo who lowered his gaze. After a brief silence that followed, a voice was heard again.

“But I still want to be by your side. I want you to be by my side, I want to be the first person to always hear your stories, and I want you to be the first person to hear mine. I know I have to be more mature, but I still believe in effort. For that at least, I don’t want to grow up yet, and I don’t want to conform to reality.”

Suddenly, Harrison’s hand caught his eye.

“I’ve thought about it, and I can’t give you my life. I can’t give you my life either. Because that’s not something you can give to someone.”

Next to the hand resting on the table, the tablecloth trembled slightly.

“Instead, Leo.”

Then, as if he felt Leo’s gaze, that hand disappeared below.

“Let’s share it.”

After those words, there was a moment of silence, and then a slightly firmer voice was heard.

“And I want to keep making an effort during that time.”

Though he wasn’t looking at his face, anxiety was now evident in his voice.

“By your side.”

Leo still did not lift his gaze. Then, impatiently yet deliberately, the voice continued, somewhat unnaturally.

“I know now how foolish it is to think you can love without effort. I like your friends and family, of course, but I don’t want to let go of being your lover either.”

Then, on the edge of the table Leo was looking at, a small box was placed. The box, opened with a trembling hand after a couple of fumbles, contained a ring. In the center of the ring were two jewels, one was a diamond and the other was a jewel of a blue hue that he couldn’t identify exactly.

Considering that rings usually have only one jewel in the center, he should have thought it was unusual, but in reality, it was familiar. He had seen it often on Heather. When it was on Heather’s hand, the jewel next to the diamond was yellow, not blue.

“So Leo, will you allow me to make an effort?”

To be completely honest, he had known. Leo and Harrison were not the type of people, nor did they have the kind of relationship, to get all dressed up and go to a restaurant with a nice atmosphere on a day that was nothing special. And yet, Harrison had dressed up like this and called him, so he was either going to propose or break up with him.

Leo was not a negative person, but he was not out of touch with reality either. Although the atmosphere had improved lately, by any measure, Leo and Harrison’s relationship was not smooth. In the first place, the plans they were making with that improved atmosphere were for after they broke up.

So, when Harrison had asked him to free up some time for dinner together, though he had joked to himself that it was like a proposal, he knew that realistically, the opposite was more likely. He had come here thinking about that situation.

Leo looked at the ring, which was particularly shiny, perhaps due to the lighting, and then suddenly lifted his gaze to meet Harrison’s. Harrison’s eyes, which had been watching Leo’s reaction, froze as if surprised. As they stared at each other without a word, Harrison was the first to break the silence.

“I know you don’t like this kind of thing, but instead, as proof of my obedience and promise, I’ll accept a prenuptial agreement without even looking at the contents, so you can write anything that’s disadvantageous to me.”

As if trying to lighten the mood even a little, Harrison tried to speak lightly, but he couldn’t hide his anxiety and rubbed his neck awkwardly.

“No.”

At the voice that finally came from Leo, Harrison’s expression completely froze. At that reaction, Leo momentarily took the ring and corrected himself.

“No, not no to that, I’m not going to sign a contract.”

At Leo’s voice, which came out as he clutched the ring as if someone would snatch it away, Harrison said, bewildered yet cautiously.

“Then, what about the other thing?”

Leo looked back and forth between Harrison and the ring. Then, with a slightly reluctant hand, he handed the ring back.

“Do it again.”

Leo gestured with his eyes at Harrison, the ring, and the floor, in that order.

“Again, properly, formally.”

At that, Harrison instinctively stood up from his seat, and then, a little more composed, knelt on one knee beside Leo.

The sight, it was too slow. In reality, it probably wasn’t slow, it just looked slow. Because he was so anxious.

“Leo, it’s already been,”

“Get to the point.”

When he couldn’t hide his impatience, Harrison immediately said.

“Leo Herbert Rosendahl Bettenberg—Kunz. Will you marry,”