LDR Ch 51

A lot of time had passed. Even though he always thought he knew, in truth, he hadn’t really known. Only now did he understand. For us too, a lot of time had really passed.

“But now, it’s okay even if that’s not the case. Even if he cries, as long as he’s by my side.”

The youthful air had all but vanished from him. Now, there was a piercing scar above his eyebrow, and on the t-shirt emblazoned with team and sponsor logos, a vivid ink tattoo was engraved near his heart. The man bore no resemblance to the boy from long ago. Leo, too, must have changed a great deal from his younger self.

From some point on, Leo and Harrison took each other for granted. That sense of normalcy was even tinged with a certain pride. Oblivious that it would all come to this.

“Jude cheated on Becca, so they broke up. But they got back together. Well, they did end up breaking up again, though.”

The gaze that had always been fixed on Leo still showed no sign of moving, floating aimlessly somewhere outside the window.

“People call that betrayal, but it doesn’t have to be like that to be a betrayal.”

Leo listened quietly to the voice. As if he would remember it forever.

“I thought about it, and I couldn’t even count how many times I disappointed you, shattered your trust, and betrayed our relationship. It’s just that, slowly like that, that kind of betrayal exists too.”

He wanted to say it wasn’t true. He wanted to say anything comforting. But he said nothing. He knew he had to listen.

Because he knew—the gaze that had been fixed outside the window since the moment he first got in the car, the expressionless face, the body rigid and without any movement—that he was trying so hard it hurt.

“I thought about quitting. It didn’t seem like it would be difficult. The words that you were the most important thing to me were always sincere. I thought I would be happy just being by your side.”

Leo suddenly dropped his gaze. His own hands came into view. Clean hands, holding nothing.

“But I don’t think you would believe me.”

He was right. In the end, Leo was the same, unable to let go of anything. He couldn’t take racing away from Harrison, and he himself couldn’t let go of Harrison, the driver.

“I actually know, too. That if I just keep my mouth shut and don’t say things like this, you’ll just endure it all. Even if I tell you not to come to the races, you’ll just wait for me at home and endure it. Because I said let’s try, and that’s probably the effort you can make by my side.”

He had once thought about it. If I take myself away from you, what’s left? As a person, not a driver. You don’t meet other people unless I tell you to, you don’t like new things, and the things you have around you now are not because you like them, but because they’re familiar. You have no real preferences in your daily life. If we add the condition of being ‘outside the track,’ you wouldn’t have a single anecdote or memory that could be told without mentioning me.

“And in a few years, if I were to ask you if you’re happy, you’d say you are. You might be sincere, or you might not be.”

In truth, Leo knew.

“But Leo, I won’t believe you.”

If I take myself away from you, you would be what’s left. Your whole, complete self.

“But would you believe it yourself?”

After those words, which fell because they knew each other too well, no other words followed for a while.

“When you quit being a driver, you said you did it because it didn’t feel like your place.”

The voice that broke the brief silence paused once more, before determinedly continuing again.

“I talked to Manny about it once. He went from being a driver to an engineer, you know. He said that as long as he could watch from somewhere, it didn’t really matter where he was. He got lucky and did well as an engineer, but he would have taken any opportunity that came his way.”

His voice was smooth. Which was how Leo knew how forcefully the words were being squeezed out, pushing through a blocked passage. Harrison had always been like that. Always so stubborn, so unwilling to listen, so unaware of his surroundings, never wanting to broaden his world, and with no social skills.

“But I can’t do that.”

In the future, too, if he has something on his mind, he won’t know how to be calculating. He’ll pour his entire being into it, and for just one love, he’ll end up mortgaging his entire life.

“In any other position, I won’t be able to love racing the way I do now, and I don’t want to be in any other position. I’m not the kind of person who can love something just as much, no matter where I am.”

Like that, in the end, your whole, complete self would be what’s left.

“Leo, you are not my home.”

Stubbornly, Harrison refused to meet his eyes, even as he said his name.

“So you can move.”

From the moment he had seen Harrison enter the parking garage until now, nothing had been surprising. It was as if he had known for a long time.

“To wherever you want to go. You can go anywhere.”

Leo followed Harrison’s lead and shifted his gaze outside the window. The midday sun was so bright it was painful to look at.

“I’ll live well without you, too, so you won’t have to feel guilty. So don’t worry about me.”

His side profile was icily calm. This, too, was a familiar sight for Harrison.

“This isn’t your place anymore.”

A long time had passed since Harrison had been torn apart in interviews, honing every single expression, every single word. So this, too, was now one of Harrison’s faces. It was just that he had never used it on Leo before. And so, he knew.

“Don’t put yourself second ever again.”

He’s that desperate.

“Don’t sacrifice yourself ever again.”

His eyes blinked slowly once.

“Go to a place you can love now.”

With those words, Harrison grabbed the door handle, as if to leave, and Leo asked.

“Harry, do you love me?”

The hand gripping the handle turned white.

“Not like before. Not in that way.”

Then, as he watched Harrison’s back grow distant after getting out of the car, Leo suddenly wondered, What was he going to do for lunch? He had come to see Leo after the last practice run ended and before qualifying began; would he have time to eat lunch?

And then, a thought occurred to him. What the hell am I supposed to believe? He couldn’t even meet my eyes once until the very end, and when I asked if he loved me, he couldn’t give a clean ‘no.’

But he just knew that it was the best he could do. The best Harrison could do. Because that’s the kind of person he is. The kind of person who, at least in front of me, always tried his best in one way or another.

So Leo started the car. And he left. By the time qualifying was underway, he was at the airport, and he heard the news that Harrison’s driver’s championship title had been confirmed much later.

Summer Vacation

Now that Leo no longer needed to adjust to time zones, he slept and woke at normal hours like everyone else. He lived in London, brought the dogs to his London home to spend every day with them, and had almost completely stepped back from his racing work to seriously learn the ropes of the investment firm. In between, he had also taken a trip to Greece. Not for work, not to meet anyone, but simply for a vacation.

And he heard the news that Harrison had moved to Switzerland and was currently leading this season with a stable performance.

And so, after they broke up at the tail end of autumn, winter passed, spring was bid farewell, and summer arrived. Leo watched Lorenzo, who was smiling brightly as he went around greeting people. It was finally Lorenzo’s wedding day.

The wedding venue, set up on a beach in Italy, was beautiful. As Leo slowly looked around for familiar faces, he turned his head at the sense of someone sitting down next to him. It was Jude. It had been a long time, but he had never once felt the gap between them.

“Leo, didn’t you say you were going to tell Lorenzo?”

Jude, who was Lorenzo’s best man, had already been in Italy for over a week and had been calling him from time to time. Now, he was pointing at the name card placed on the seat next to Leo. On it was written the name Harrison Turner.

Leo and Harrison had not announced their breakup to anyone, but naturally, now that it had been about nine months since they parted, all their family members knew. For one, Leo and Harrison had been making sure not to overlap when they met their respective families, so it was impossible for those around them not to notice.

Considering how they were deliberately trying so hard not to see each other, it was understandable that Jude would sound subtly worried that their seats were right next to each other. On top of that, just as Jude said, Leo had told him he would tell Lorenzo when he first learned of the engagement.

“I was going to tell him later, but then things just sort of happened that way.”

It was even stranger to tell him they had broken up when he didn’t even know they had been dating. But lately, Leo had been genuinely thinking it might be better to just tell Lorenzo everything. For some reason, Lorenzo seemed to cherish Harrison and Leo’s friendship more than the two of them did. He didn’t know anything, but sensing the atmosphere between them wasn’t its usual self, he had been struggling to get them to reconcile somehow.

“We arranged the seating together. It’s your fault, too.”

But he had thought Jude, knowing everything, would mediate a little, but looking at the seating arrangement today, there was no sign he had done anything. He must have helped with the seating chart as the best man, yet he had put them together like this.

“Lorenzo seems so completely clueless, it’s weird for me to be the one to say anything.”

Then Jude stealthily checked his surroundings.

“If you leave Lorenzo like that, he’s going to get really annoying. He’s seriously annoyingly persistent. No one knows that better than me.”

That was probably true. After his accident, Jude had strongly disliked anyone coming to his hospital room. Although Leo had forced his way in, Jude hadn’t even let him come near during his rehabilitation training. The only exception to Jude, who had even kept his own parents away, was Lorenzo. And that was thanks to Lorenzo literally clinging to his leg and being a nuisance. After Lorenzo’s visits, both of them would have faces swollen from how much they had cried.

“If I say someone is annoying, it’s really bad.”

Leo laughed at the words coming from Jude, who loved people so much. This time, Jude lowered his voice again secretively.

“If you’re worried about Lorenzo’s reaction, he seriously doesn’t care about that stuff at all.”

At those words, Leo stared blankly at Jude.

“You never know.”

Lorenzo had never shown any sign of being uncomfortable when topics like sexual orientation came up, but you never knew.

“No, he’s for real.”

But when Leo looked at him doubtfully at Jude’s firm tone, Jude continued, his voice even more serious.

“After I broke up with Becca, I once said I didn’t think I could ever date a woman again. But he misunderstood and thought I liked men.”

“Why? You cheated on her with a woman.”

When he didn’t hide his confusion, Jude’s expression immediately became sheepish before he quickly composed himself, trying to act nonchalant.

“Anyway, so Lorenzo, to show his support, found a gay club and went with me. Though I didn’t know until we got there.”

What on earth? He couldn’t decide whether to be disappointed at the unwholesome comfort of dragging a friend who had just broken up to a club, or to be impressed by the enthusiastic support of going so far as to look up a gay club for a friend, even if it was a misunderstanding.

“Why didn’t I know about this until now?”

At the completely different question that finally came out, Jude averted his gaze. His soft brown eyes rolled in a way that seemed to make a sound, exactly like Harrison.

“The look you would have given me if I’d told you I went to a club right after breaking up.”

“What about Harry? He was here first, wasn’t he?”

Then, at the voice that suddenly came from behind, Leo and Jude both flinched in unison. But Lorenzo, the groom of this wedding, approached without any suspicion and sat down next to Leo.

“Leo, I told you. That guy is seriously weird.”

At the sentence that started immediately, Leo replied without hiding his weariness.

“I’ve heard it plenty of times, so you don’t have to say any more.”

Just as he said, Lorenzo had already told him Harrison stories until he was sick of them. On top of that, even though Harrison had moved to Switzerland, for some reason, he had gone to Italy for his vacation and stuck to Lorenzo. He really wouldn’t listen when he was told to make more diverse friends.

Thanks to that, Leo had to listen to a truly sickening amount of complaints like, Harry came to our house and just floated around in the pool without talking. Is this maybe racism? He doesn’t answer even when I speak in English. Is it normal for you drivers to just stare at a glass of liquor for hours? He hasn’t gone out for three days now, is he always like this? Are you guys really not in contact? and so on.

“Anyway, take this chance to talk and stuff. It’s been a while since you two have seen each other, right?”

“Lorenzo, this is your wedding. Just focus on yourself.”

But Lorenzo still looked at Leo as if he were an older brother trying to get his younger siblings to make up. Receiving his gaze, Leo continued speaking.

“Congratulations on your wedding.”

“Thanks.”

Lorenzo replied reflexively, but he was still looking at Leo as if he was determined to get a promise that he would reconcile with Harrison. Under that gaze, Leo looked at Jude, but he was in no mood to help. At that attitude, Leo finally said.

“I saw him at Silverstone.”

At those words, Lorenzo’s expression brightened at once. It wasn’t a lie. He had actually gone to Silverstone. Although he hadn’t had much of a conversation with Harrison.

“Oh, really? Did you make up?”

“We never fought, so what is there to make up about?”

With those words, Leo glanced at his watch pointedly.

“But are you supposed to be here right now?”

“Oh, here comes Harry.”

At Jude’s sudden words, they turned their heads in unison to see Harrison just entering.

“What’s up, why are you two hanging out here?”

After Harrison approached and spoke calmly while looking at Lorenzo and Jude, his gaze fell on Leo.

“I bet on him crying. Leo, what about you?”

His words, gesturing toward Lorenzo, were perfectly natural. As if they had spoken just yesterday. And Leo, just as naturally, replied.

“Is there anyone who bet on him not crying?”

“Actually, I bet on myself crying too.”

When they laughed at Lorenzo’s voice that came from behind, Jude, beside them, naturally agreed.

“Of course. Lorenzo, but we really have to go now.”

With that, Jude stood up and briefly winced. At the sight, both Harrison’s and Leo’s expressions hardened at once.

“What if I really cry?”

But Lorenzo himself got up from his seat nonchalantly and naturally put an arm around Jude’s shoulder.

“If it looks like I’m going to cry, you make a funny face in front of me.”

“You’ll be moved by that and cry.”

“That’s fair.”

The way Jude positioned himself on the side of his bad leg to hide it from others while talking nonsense was natural and familiar. Even Jude, who always made sure to hide his physical condition in front of Harrison or Leo.

Come to think of it, it wasn’t strange. Lorenzo had been there when Jude was first learning how to use a wheelchair, had watched his rehabilitation process, and had seen him walk without a brace for the first time.

“Oh, you two, don’t talk to Tina.”

At Lorenzo’s words, as he turned back after walking a few steps, Harrison and Leo exchanged glances. Ever since Harrison dated his younger sister, Martina, Lorenzo was always careful to prevent any potential mishaps from happening a second time.

“I just finished talking to her.”

But as the two disappeared from view, Harrison’s voice came out smoothly, and Leo asked, just as casually.

“What did she say?”

“She hates it, of course. She only came because her friend is the bride. If it had just been Lorenzo’s wedding, she probably wouldn’t have come.”

“To that extent?”

He knew, of course, that Martina disliked her brother. Although Martina was his ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, they saw each other from time to time, so they would talk when they met and occasionally kept in touch.

Then he turned his head and looked at Harrison, and his gaze, which was already on Leo, met his directly. It was the first time in almost nine months that they had had a proper conversation. But there was no awkwardness at all. It was just ordinary. As it always had been.

“Lorenzo was really worried about us.”

At Leo’s words, as he looked forward again, a calm tone replied from beside him.

“I was on my best behavior.”

When he glanced at Harrison, his face was nonchalant. At that, he ended up letting out a short laugh, and Harrison smiled back. At the naturalness of it all, Leo met his eyes.

“Should we tell him? About what happened to us.”

At that question, the corners of Harrison’s mouth slowly fell.

“Then we wouldn’t have a way to hear news about each other.”

With that tone that fell just as sharply, Leo and Harrison just looked at each other for a moment. He was right. There would be no way to hear news. Right now, Lorenzo thought they had fought and was telling them news about each other to try and get them to reconcile. If they were to say they had dated and broken up, he would be considerate of them and not talk about the other in their presence. Just as all their other family members did.

“Did you see the ultrasound picture too?”

At the sudden change of topic, Leo responded without any particular comment.

“I was on a video call during the ultrasound.”