Chapter 13 – Calm Waters

67

Xiang Lei’s life from then on was calm and uneventful.

People often teased Xiang Lei, asking why he hadn’t been meeting online friends lately and why his phone calls had dwindled. Xiang Lei would reply that he already had someone special. His dorm mates were surprised because they hadn’t noticed any signs of this.

Compared to before, if Xiang Lei had a romantic interest, his demeanor should have been entirely different. But now, there was no visible excitement or resentment. People still loved to poke fun at him, but Xiang Lei’s reactions had changed—most of the time, he would just smile faintly.

The “someone special” Xiang Lei mentioned was undoubtedly Xu Menghu. Perhaps Xiang Lei felt he wasn’t significant enough to be truly excited, yet the bond between them wasn’t shallow either, leaving him with no reason to feel resentful.

In this state of mind, Xiang Lei had no interest in chatting with other online friends or pursuing another, more tangible relationship.

Xu Menghu, naturally, was extremely pleased with this. He rarely said things that disgusted Xiang Lei from the bottom of his heart. If they didn’t chat online for a couple of days, he’d leave some mushy messages about how much he missed Xiang Lei. Occasionally, if he sensed Xiang Lei wasn’t happy enough, he’d shower him with considerate words, warm and understanding like a caring woman.

Sometimes, Xiang Lei felt as if Xu Menghu was genuinely trying to change. Unwilling to conclude in the next moment that this was just wishful thinking on his part, Xiang Lei didn’t dare to speculate further.

Since meeting Shi Zhuo and his friends, Xiang Lei had started to feel much more at home on the campus BBS. He didn’t often write lengthy posts, but every time he went online, he would reply to a few threads, bantering back and forth with familiar friends, occasionally bursting into laughter in front of the computer screen. This was one of the few bright spots in his otherwise uneventful days.

He Fei’s girlfriend, Wandering Cambrian, was a graceful and talented girl who loved Faye Wong¹A Hong Kong-Chinese singer and actress who rose to fame in the 1990s, often considered a pop diva in the Chinese-speaking world.. It took Xiang Lei a while to vaguely recall that her name was Zhang Wenwen.

She rarely joined the verbal sparring in other people’s threads but posted her own writings on the BBS almost daily—sometimes a dozen lines of poetry, other times a hundred-word essay. Almost without exception, her words were about love, heavily influenced by Lin Xi’s lyrics: melancholic confessions, ornate sorrows, emotional reflections, and occasionally philosophical musings.

Xiang Lei often found himself puzzled. Didn’t this girl have He Fei? Where did all this sorrow come from? Moreover, people in the dorm often remarked that this time, He Fei seemed actually serious, spoiling his current girlfriend endlessly. The key was that He Fei never denied it, only smiling in response—a smile that even a fool could recognize as tacit agreement.

In truth, after that overcast day, Xiang Lei had forgotten to take He Fei’s quilt out to air. Though the two had cleared the air between them, they still didn’t interact much. At most, their eyes would meet occasionally, and they’d exchange faint smiles.

On the BBS, Xiang Lei preferred reading the writings of Sleepy Cat, Yang Lin.

This unconventional talent wasn’t prolific, but almost every piece she wrote left Xiang Lei in awe. For example, she wrote:

I am a lazy silkworm, eating, drinking, shitting, and sleeping

By accident, the world praises me to the skies

Trembling, I chew their mulberry leaves

If I hadn’t performed a trick and handed over

Something they could unconditionally weave into silk

I think my reputation now would be quite tragic

Yang Lin rarely wrote plainly about her inner emotional world. In a rare piece titled Love, she wrote only a few short lines:

About you

There really shouldn’t be too much nonsense

I was born a wasteland

So even if you’re just an unremarkable weed

Without you

I’d be left with nothing but endless desolation

Reading these lines, Xiang Lei—like a full-blooded heterosexual—felt a surge of envy for Shi Zhuo. He thought, What kind of happiness must it be to be that weed, growing on such a wasteland?

Xiang Lei felt that Shi Zhuo and Yang Lin’s love was practically destined. Both were hailed as the two most brilliant talents on the campus BBS, riding side by side. Just from that alone, they were already such a perfect match!

Shi Zhuo and Chen Taoguang were both native Beijingers. Long before Xiang Lei was lost in the chaos of gay chat rooms and forums, the two had already known each other. They admired each other’s posts on the BBS and often met in real life to drink and talk. During one of these conversations, they discovered they actually had a mutual old friend—Chen Taoguang’s childhood buddy happened to be Shi Zhuo’s closest comrade from high school.

Chen Taoguang and Shi Zhuo’s personalities were polar opposites. Chen Taoguang was impulsive and childish, while Shi Zhuo was steady and calm. These two extremes were exactly the kinds of people Xiang Lei wanted to befriend. So, though Xiang Lei wasn’t much of a drinker, he was always happy to join whenever Shi Zhuo or Chen Taoguang invited him out for drinks.

Chen Taoguang couldn’t hold his liquor as well as Shi Zhuo. Xiang Lei had never seen Shi Zhuo drunk, but Chen Taoguang was almost always wasted. One time, a drunken Chen Taoguang proposed that the three of them collaborate on a “martial arts epic” on the BBS. Shi Zhuo immediately agreed, while Xiang Lei found the idea hilarious.

Chen Taoguang then began outlining his vision for the story: three martial arts masters, three distinct personalities, three legendary secret sects, three storylines, ultimately coming together through a shared resonance to save the martial arts world from an unprecedented catastrophe.

At one point, Xiang Lei was suddenly moved by Chen Taoguang’s earnestness and the utopian world he sketched out in that earnestness. Xiang Lei almost zoned out, as if transported to a turbulent jianghu.

Xiang Lei immediately responded, “Alright! Let’s start tomorrow, taking turns writing. Each person picks up from the previous post, following the established context and foreshadowing to continue their assigned storyline.”

Chen Taoguang claimed the first chapter.

A week later, a collaborative martial arts serial titled Sword of Sorrow became a hot topic on the campus BBS, widely praised and discussed. The trio basked in the glory of their creation.

Chen Taoguang’s opening chapter was brilliant, clearly the work of someone well-read in martial arts novels. Worried he couldn’t keep up, Xiang Lei passed the baton to Shi Zhuo for the second installment, which was equally impressive. Xiang Lei wasn’t skilled in this genre and struggled for an entire day before submitting his part, but it turned out decently enough.

Determined to improve, Xiang Lei decided to binge-read martial arts novels. He raced through The Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils in the dorm and then stayed up late reading The Heaven Sword and Dragon Saber.

While reading The Heaven Sword and Dragon Saber, Xiang Lei would occasionally curse out loud. Liu Chong asked him how a martial arts novel could evoke such strong reactions. Xiang Lei replied, “Under every refined exterior is a beast with a twisted face, yet within every ugly body flows burning passion. How can the world be like this?”

Xiang Lei said that so far, these were the only two books he’d ever had the patience to finish. Only when he turned the last page did he realize how thick they were. Looking back, it felt almost unbelievable, as if an entirely different version of himself had accomplished it.

After that, continuing Sword of Sorrow felt much easier.

68

About a month later, Wei Tong asked Xiang Lei to go to a bar for the second time.

Xiang Lei mentioned how the dorm supervisor had recorded his name last time. Wei Tong said there was an empty bed in his dorm, and the supervisor there liked him so much she’d even given him a key. As long as he didn’t disturb others, he could return as late as he wanted.

Xiang Lei hesitated, unsure whether he should disrupt his current state of tranquility. But he quickly convinced himself: Going to a bar doesn’t necessarily mean anything will happen. Maybe I really do need to shake things up—otherwise, I’ll fucking rust!

This time, Xiang Lei went to great lengths to avoid Liu Chong.

Against the backdrop of soft music, Wei Tong wore a pitiful expression as he recounted a recent experience.

For Wei Tong, the pursuit of a romantic partner was even more of a life theme than it was for Xiang Lei—yet, like Xiang Lei, he’d never achieved anything substantial. Wei Tong’s perspective was different, though. He said he only wanted a boyfriend. Without that possibility, ordinary friendships held no meaning for him. Xiang Lei wanted to ask, What about me? But then he thought, Isn’t the answer obvious? In that case, being Wei Tong’s ordinary friend was still a stroke of luck.

Wei Tong said he was getting tired of searching. Time flew by, yet he felt like he was stuck in place.

A month ago, Wei Tong met someone from a neighboring university. The guy was a few centimeters shorter than him, with an average appearance. His way of thinking and outward demeanor were both rather old-fashioned, and he was extremely introverted, coming across as somewhat simple-minded.—At this point, Wei Tong couldn’t help but laugh.—But from the moment Wei Tong laid eyes on him, he felt an inexplicable sense of security. So Wei Tong told him he wanted to be together.

The guy was stunned. Once he recovered, he kept asking, “Really? Are you joking? You’re so out of my league—how could you possibly like me? Don’t mess with me!”

At that moment, Wei Tong grew even more certain: This is the one.

They started dating frequently, though their interactions were similar to Wei Tong’s early encounters with Xiang Lei. Even after two weeks, they’d only held hands. Wei Tong reveled in the guy’s attentiveness, which bordered on obsessive, making Wei Tong fall harder. Throughout this period, the guy never stopped questioning Wei Tong: “Are you really sure you want to be with me? Someone like you—how could you possibly like someone like me?”

Once, Wei Tong nearly lost his temper and ignored the question. But when he turned and saw the guy’s confused yet earnest expression, his heart skipped a beat. Right there in broad daylight, in front of everyone, Wei Tong cupped the guy’s face and kissed him on the lips. The guy didn’t shy away or care about the onlookers. Wei Tong said he could clearly hear the guy’s heart pounding.

Xiang Lei’s eyes widened, involuntarily recalling what had happened in the Xidan underground passage²When Wu Liang kissed him in front of the two girls and ran off..

Seeing Xiang Lei’s reaction, Wei Tong laughed again before his expression turned somber.

“Last week, we went shopping together. He walked so fast he kept leaving me two or three meters behind. I complained, and he said, “You’re too effeminate.” The moment I heard that, I knew he’d finally discovered the inherent parts of me he couldn’t like. Back at school, I tried breaking up with him over the phone. He agreed without hesitation…”

Wei Tong said this was something that should have been obvious at first glance—it shouldn’t have taken three weeks of dating to bring it up.

Looking at Wei Tong’s despondent face, Xiang Lei suddenly felt a pang of heartache—and, at the same time, a faint sense of relief that the one who’d hurt Wei Tong so deeply wasn’t him. Xiang Lei wasn’t sure: if he’d persisted in dating Wei Tong, would there have come a day when he, and not someone else, would have hurt Wei Tong in the same way?

Wei Tong said, “He finally discovered the inherent parts of me he couldn’t like.” But Xiang Lei realized that every gay man, including himself, unconsciously held their romantic prospects to impossible standards. The slightest flaw in their eyes was enough to make them want to give up—as if they had no choice in the matter.

You never know what kind of person you might still find—someone who perfectly overlaps with the one in your dreams, and who happens to see you as their perfect match too. This unpredictability, full of unknown temptations, naturally carries with it endless motivation.

69

Xiang Lei’s first overnight absence became the hottest gossip in nearby dorm rooms the next day. Almost everyone who saw him asked, “Hey, Xiang Lei, how was last night?” After attempting to explain himself once, Xiang Lei simply replied to all subsequent inquiries with, “Yeah, not bad!”

Liu Chong asked, “Xiang Lei, were you really out doing ‘that’ last night?”

Xiang Lei shot back, “Haven’t you known for a while?”

Liu Chong said, “Before, I just knew you were gay, but I never really thought about the specifics. Now that I imagine it, it’s fucking weird!”

Xiang Lei chuckled lightly and ignored him.

Then Liu Chong actually asked, “Do you fuck people, or do people fuck you?”

Xiang Lei’s brow furrowed instantly. Glaring at Liu Chong, he roared, “Fuck off!”

Liu Chong, widely acknowledged as both clueless and shameless, let out a Tch! before breaking into a mocking laugh.

Everyone present understood: the jokes about this topic ended here.

As an exchange of confidences, Xiang Lei told Wei Tong about Xu Menghu. After hearing it, Wei Tong said, “Stop being stupid. You can’t afford to play these ambiguous games!”

Of course, Xiang Lei already knew that. The problem was, he couldn’t stop himself.

On the way back to campus from the bar, Wei Tong mentioned introducing Xiang Lei to a friend. He said the guy was impressive in every way—young but already established in his career, mature and stable. The only catch was that he’d outright told Wei Tong he wasn’t his type. However, after hearing him describe his ideal partner, Wei Tong felt this guy would probably like Xiang Lei.

Xiang Lei agreed casually, never expecting to receive a call from this person the very next day.

After just a few words, the guy eagerly suggested meeting up. Six months ago, Xiang Lei might have jumped at the chance, but now, he couldn’t muster any enthusiasm.

They chatted idly for a while. Xiang Lei assumed the guy would lose patience when they couldn’t meet immediately, but instead, he kept finding new topics to prolong the conversation.

“Are you handsome?” The guy’s voice was dreamy.

“Of course. I never hide my looks. Every feature of mine is exquisite—each one a masterpiece in itself.” Xiang Lei struggled to suppress his laughter as he spoke.

“How about I come see you now?” The guy’s voice grew noticeably more excited.

“I’m not finished!” Xiang Lei continued. “The problem is, the Creator didn’t want to favor me too much, and his arrangement skills were subpar. As a result, I only dare to go outside wearing sunglasses and a mask.”

“You’re hilarious! I don’t believe you! I want to see you right now!”

“I’m serious. Otherwise, would I need someone else to introduce me to people?”

“Oh… Well, maybe I’d still think you’re handsome when I see you?” The guy was persistent.

“The odds of that are about the same as me standing in front of you right now.”

“Let me ask you a personal question—hope you don’t mind?” The guy had clearly given up on the ‘handsome’ angle.

“Go ahead.” Xiang Lei was secretly grinning.

“Are you big down there?”

Xiang Lei’s jaw dropped, stunned by the guy’s casual bluntness.

After a brief pause, Xiang Lei replied, “Well… Normally, it’s about the size of my thumb. Sometimes when I pee, I have to search for it. On special occasions, there’s a slight increase in length and girth, but visually, the difference isn’t obvious. When I take care of myself, three fingers are usually enough—any more and I risk pulling hair, which hurts like hell!”

“What? No way! You’re messing with me!” The guy’s voice rose several octaves.

“Of course not! Think about it—if we were going to date, how could I hide something like this? You’d find out eventually. So I’m being honest now so you can think it over carefully.”

“Hey, none of that matters. What’s important is the connection, whether we can develop feelings.” The guy’s words made Xiang Lei feel like his plan had backfired.

“Yeah, yeah, but—” Xiang Lei was cut off.

“Oh! I almost forgot—I have a client meeting. I’ll call you another time. Bye!”

As the dial tone sounded, Xiang Lei burst into uncontrollable laughter.

When he finally stopped laughing, a thought struck him: Am I not gay enough? He’d witnessed so many shared quirks among gay men, yet he didn’t seem to have any of them.

The boy who often appeared in Xiang Lei’s dreams would whisper in his ear, “Xiang Lei, should we go see the ocean or climb a mountain? Should we head north or south?” In those moments, Xiang Lei could only hear the voice—there wasn’t even a silhouette to outline. Taller would be better, handsomer would be better, but none of it was essential. Xiang Lei felt that if the dream figure one day borrowed any random body and appeared before him, it would be enough to fulfill his entire universe.

From the depths of his wandering mind, another Xiang Lei suddenly emerged, pointing at the first and saying, “Aren’t you just full of shit? Have you met the Mole Man or Quasimodo³Mole Man is a supervillain in Marvel Comics, and Quasimodo is a deformed, kind-hearted bell-ringer and protagonist of Victor Hugo’s novel The Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Both famously ugly? Have you seen the kind of “exquisite” Stephen Chow marvels at under a magnifying glass⁴A reference to a comedic trope popularized by Hong Kong comedian Stephen Chow where his character ironically refers to a very ugly woman as an “exquisite.”? Just because your standards are lower than others’, you’re questioning animal instincts?”

The shell of Xiang Lei collapsed into laughter again, doubling over like a madman.

Just then, the class rep pushed open the dorm door, staring at Xiang Lei in bewilderment before handing him two letters.

Hubei, Tao Zhuwen.—Xiang Lei had nearly forgotten about this guy.

“I feel like you’re about to forget me, so I couldn’t help writing again. There’s a girl in the front row who’s started studying under streetlights at 3 or 4 a.m. every day. I’m really worried for her. If possible, wait for me a few more months!”

After reading Tao Zhuwen’s letter, the rational Xiang Lei immediately made a decision on behalf of his emotional self: If, by the time I see this guy again, Xu Menghu is still distant in his own little world, I’ll accept Tao Zhuwen with a clear conscience!

…

Shanghai, Leo.—The era of letter-writing felt like ancient history.

“It’s been a long time since I heard from you. Just for the warmth you sent me in the snowy north, I sincerely invite you to spend the May Day holiday in Shanghai. Before receiving your reply, I’ve already turned down all other travel plans. I’m booking you this early—I doubt you can wriggle out of it. All you need to do is buy a ticket and tell me the train number and arrival time.”

It was spring, and the inexplicable longing Xiang Lei had felt for Shanghai before the college entrance exams resurfaced at the perfect time. His heart swelled with excitement as he began planning the trip early.

70

Xiang Lei had only mentioned his Shanghai trip in passing, but He Fei immediately thought of Leo, whom he’d met once before.

He Fei asked in the dorm, “You’re going to Shanghai to see that sissy, aren’t you?”

Xiang Lei paused before replying quietly, “His name is Leo.”

He Fei scoffed. “Then you’d better be careful not to bring back some fucking disease to the dorm.”

It sounded like the usual teasing, but He Fei’s face was completely devoid of humor.

Xiang Lei didn’t dwell on it. After all, travel was something to be excited about.

For Xiang Lei, any trip was almost guaranteed to lift his spirits. Stepping out of Shanghai Railway Station, he couldn’t help but feel exhilarated. Shanghai, I’m here.

Spotting Leo at the exit, Xiang Lei felt as if he were seeing an old friend of many years—someone he’d met more than once. As they approached each other, they simultaneously threw light punches to each other’s chests.

They stayed in a small alley near Jiangsu Road, in a second-floor attic. Walking on the polished wooden floor, the creaks seemed to whisper history. Green vines stretched to the windowsill, and outside the window was a narrow path flanked by mottled brick walls. This refined, far-from-glamorous side of Shanghai was unexpected but brought a unique sense of comfort.

Xiang Lei loved the old Western-style buildings along the Bund—solemn, majestic, and steeped in time. He loved the one-way streets separating them, loved Shanghai’s subway stations—new, clean, stylish, and far less rudimentary than Beijing’s.

At the entrance of Jing’an Temple Station, a long-haired, sunlit young man strummed a guitar and sang. When passersby dropped coins, he paid no attention, not even nodding, lost in his own music. Xiang Lei approached, crouching down silently to place a few coins. He didn’t see it as charity—just a response to the gift his ears had received.

After winding through a long underground passage and turning several corners, nearing the ticket gate, the boy’s fresh, melancholic voice still echoed clearly in his ears:

Long, long ago, you had me, and I had you;

Long, long ago, you left me to roam the skies.

The world outside is wonderful, the world outside is cruel,

When you find the world outside is wonderful, I’ll sincerely wish you well.⁵These are lyrics from the 80s classic ballad “The World Outside” by Taiwanese singer Chyi Chin.

That day, it began to rain in Shanghai—a drizzle that lasted three days without pause. Xiang Lei and Leo holed up in the attic listening to music, nearly exhausting Leo’s collection.

Let love, or the lack of it, move toward perfection.

New Year’s Day. Evening. The sports field. A makeshift stage. Pei Yong and his friends—whom the principal repeatedly called “bad apples”—played guitars, harmonized, and earnestly sang Who Hasn’t, Who Doesn’t Want To⁶A Mandopop rock ballad by Taiwanese singer Pan Meichen.. Xiang Lei wanted to tell everyone present: These guys are my brothers.

No matter what, Xiang Lei felt he should count himself lucky.

In a daze, he saw a wanderer, trekking over mountains and rivers in solitude. Then, time and space twisted, and he saw a watcher sitting by a rain-drenched doorway, gazing in the wanderer’s direction, singing a song that needed only a guitar’s accompaniment:

The world outside is wonderful, the world outside is cruel,

When you find the world outside is cruel, I’ll wait here patiently for you.

Every time the sun sets in the west, I’ll be here hoping,

Even if the sky is weeping rain, I’ll still await your return.

• 1
  A Hong Kong-Chinese singer and actress who rose to fame in the 1990s, often considered a pop diva in the Chinese-speaking world.
• 2
  When Wu Liang kissed him in front of the two girls and ran off.
• 3
  Mole Man is a supervillain in Marvel Comics, and Quasimodo is a deformed, kind-hearted bell-ringer and protagonist of Victor Hugo’s novel The Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Both famously ugly
• 4
  A reference to a comedic trope popularized by Hong Kong comedian Stephen Chow where his character ironically refers to a very ugly woman as an “exquisite.”
• 5
  These are lyrics from the 80s classic ballad “The World Outside” by Taiwanese singer Chyi Chin.
• 6
  A Mandopop rock ballad by Taiwanese singer Pan Meichen.