Chapter 14 – Shao Yiming

71

Xiang Lei stayed in Shanghai for five days. By the end of it, his fascination with the city seemed to have completely faded, and he began to miss Beijing.

Leo earnestly invited Xiang Lei to come to Shanghai after graduation to try his luck, and while Xiang Lei verbally agreed, he was almost certain in his heart that he wouldn’t actually go through with it.

After finally managing to buy a ticket for a temporary train, Xiang Lei found himself itching to return the entire journey.

Xiang Lei arrived back in Beijing at noon on the last day of the holiday, only to find the dormitory empty.

Exhausted, he was just about to catch up on some sleep when he received a call from Wei Tong.

“You’re finally back!” Wei Tong said. “Come out for lunch!”

After nearly 20 hours of travel, Xiang Lei wasn’t particularly hungry, but from Wei Tong’s tone, it sounded like he had already called multiple times. Unable to bring himself to refuse, Xiang Lei tossed his backpack onto the bed and dragged his weary body out of the dorm.

Passing by the glass window of the small restaurant, Xiang Lei noticed that Wei Tong wasn’t alone. Sitting beside him was a boy wearing a camouflage short-sleeved T-shirt. Given the season, short sleeves weren’t yet common, making him stand out.

Walking into the restaurant and looking straight ahead, Xiang Lei’s first impression of the boy was an indescribable uniqueness—not because of the camouflage T-shirt or his dark skin, but because of his gaze, clear as a pool of spring water.

“What time did you get back? I called you all morning!” Wei Tong’s voice was brimming with joy.

“I just got back to the dorm five minutes before your call,” Xiang Lei replied, sitting down while stealing another glance at those clear eyes.

“Did you have fun?”

“It was alright. But I still think Beijing is better.”

“This is my boyfriend, Yiming.” Wei Tong introduced the boy beside him with a hint of shyness.

“Shao Yiming. ‘Yiming’ as in ‘to amaze the world with a single brilliant feat.’ Nice to meet you—” The boy extended his hand.

For some reason, Xiang Lei felt a bit awkward. He reached out and barely touched the hand hovering in midair before quickly pulling back.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Xiang Lei.” Without waiting for Wei Tong’s introduction, Xiang Lei introduced himself.

“We met during the May Day holiday,” Wei Tong added.

“Wow—that was fast,” Xiang Lei blurted out, immediately feeling like his words might have been slightly inappropriate.

“I was originally planning to ask you to take me to Shanghai, but luckily I couldn’t make up my mind that day and didn’t go with you.” Wei Tong laughed happily, and Xiang Lei found himself infected by the joy, unable to help but feel genuinely happy for the young man in front of him.

“Do you smoke?” Shao Yiming offered a cigarette to Xiang Lei.

Xiang Lei smiled and waved his hand in refusal, so Shao Yiming brought the cigarette to his own lips. Just as he was about to light it, Wei Tong nudged him with his elbow and said, “Don’t smoke so much, and we’re in a public place.” Shao Yiming chuckled and tucked the cigarette back into the pack.

In that moment, Xiang Lei met those clear eyes again, and an inexplicable awkwardness welled up in his heart.

What’s wrong with me? Xiang Lei felt like he was losing his mind.

Please don’t tell me this is the legendary love at first sight. Xiang Lei had never experienced such a thing before and had never really believed in it. He thought that at most, a first glance could only evoke appreciation or simple fondness—the idea of love or infatuation at first sight seemed far too unreliable.

Glancing subconsciously at Wei Tong, who was happily calling over the waiter, Xiang Lei felt a pang of self-disgust.

“You went to Shanghai?” Shao Yiming asked Xiang Lei.

“Yeah,” Xiang Lei replied tersely, busying himself with snapping apart disposable chopsticks.

“Do you have friends there?” Shao Yiming continued.

“Yeah.” One chopstick snapped into two, two into four…

“Where did you go? Did you visit Zhou Town nearby?”

“No, just wandered around the city.” With no more chopsticks left to break, Xiang Lei pulled out another pair.

“That’s a shame! There’s nothing interesting about cities.”

Since it wasn’t a question, Xiang Lei stayed silent, continuing his little chopstick-breaking ritual.

“We won’t have any to use soon,” Shao Yiming suddenly said with a laugh.

Xiang Lei lowered his head and chuckled along.

“If I didn’t know beforehand that you two were schoolmates, I’d have thought you were a soldier too,” Shao Yiming added.

“You’re a soldier?” Xiang Lei raised his eyes to meet Shao Yiming’s faint smile.

“Yeah! Isn’t that obvious from my training uniform?”

“You’re stationed in Beijing?”

“Yeah! I wouldn’t date someone from out of town.”

“Do you have any comrades named ‘Hu Kai’ or ‘Du Pengfei’?” The first name belonged to the “Devil Instructor” from Xiang Lei’s drill squad training, while the second was their squad’s lead instructor.

“Nope. Friends of yours?”

“They were our instructors during military training. I forgot which unit they were from.”

“I actually trained university students last year too, but not at your school.” Shao Yiming smiled again, his lips parting slightly to reveal an extremely playful canine tooth on his left side.

“I’ve already ordered. See if you want anything else.” Wei Tong handed the menu to Xiang Lei.

“I don’t mind. You two decide. I just got off the train and don’t have much of an appetite.” Xiang Lei passed the menu to Shao Yiming. He never liked ordering, as he wasn’t picky and was afraid of choosing dishes others might not like.

“What were you two talking about? Xiang Lei, are you reminiscing about your instructors again?” Wei Tong teased with a grin.

Shao Yiming put on an exaggerated look of surprise, which, to Xiang Lei, seemed to say: Hah, Xiang Lei, so you’re such a simp that you even crushed on your military training instructors and still can’t forget them?

Xiang Lei felt his face grow slightly warm.

Perhaps noticing how easily Xiang Lei blushed, Shao Yiming burst into laughter, laughing for so long that Wei Tong finally shoved him and said, “What’s wrong with you? I was just teasing Xiang Lei! There’s nothing weird about missing your instructors.”

Xiang Lei grew even more flustered.

The waiter, eager to take their order, asked, “Anything else?” Finally, attention shifted back to the meal.

Xiang Lei grabbed the menu, flipped through it, and randomly pointed to a plate of peanuts.

The peanuts arrived quickly, and Shao Yiming took the opportunity to order two bottles of beer.

“Aren’t you supposed to head back to base after lunch?” Wei Tong asked Shao Yiming.

Shao Yiming pointed at Xiang Lei. “He ordered peanuts…”

Xiang Lei quickly interjected, “I usually just snack on them.”

“It’s fine! Just beer—it won’t leave a lasting smell. There aren’t any tasks today anyway, so I can go back a bit later. I’ll wash the uniform tomorrow.” Shao Yiming reassured Wei Tong.

The afternoon turned out to be rather dull. Playing the third wheel was uncomfortable to begin with, and combined with the exhaustion from the long journey, Xiang Lei quickly grew tired as he accompanied Wei Tong and Shao Yiming around the commercial street near campus, chatting about everything under the sun. He excused himself, saying he needed to go back and rest.

Shao Yiming also complained about being tired from walking and suggested going to an internet café to play games. Wei Tong insisted on dragging Xiang Lei along, seemingly unbothered by his presence intruding on their time alone.

Xiang Lei had originally planned to rest at the internet café, but realizing he hadn’t been online in a while, he couldn’t resist logging into QQ and the forum. As expected, Xu Menghu’s messages nearly froze Xiang Lei’s QQ from the sheer volume.

…”Why haven’t you been online?!” …”Where’d you go? Why didn’t you tell me?” …”You still not back? Did you go meet some online friend?” …”What’s going on with you?” …”Did someone hack your account? Whoever stole it better get the hell out!” …”Xiang Lei, I’m going fucking crazy missing you!” …

“Just got back. Dead tired… went to Shanghai…” Xiang Lei thought for a moment before typing, “Visited a classmate.”

He hadn’t checked the forum in ages, and his moderator role had become purely nominal. The site admin was too busy to manage things, and the forum had become overrun with rule-breaking posts. Xiang Lei’s fingers grew numb from deleting them.

In his inbox were over a dozen unread private messages, all from the same user: “He Won’t Come Back.” Xiang Lei opened them one by one—each contained the same line: Can I get to know you? Please reply.

Xiang Lei opened the reply page, thought for a while, and typed just one word: Sure.

He had no idea what else to write, so he sent it as is.

Wei Tong tapped Xiang Lei’s shoulder and asked what he wanted to drink. A cola, Xiang Lei said.

As Wei Tong walked to the counter, Shao Yiming also came over, patted Xiang Lei’s shoulder, and then reached behind him to grab the mouse. He searched for a number in Xiang Lei’s QQ and added it.

“That’s me,” Shao Yiming said with a smile before returning to his seat.

“Army Green Dream”—a profile picture of a boy in a baseball cap—reminded Xiang Lei of the first online friend from Jilin to whom he had confided his struggles with his sexuality.

“Give me your phone number. Quick!” Shao Yiming messaged Xiang Lei on QQ.

“I don’t have a phone.”

“Dorm number?”

“Ask Wei Tong.”

Then, the other party didn’t respond anymore.

Wei Tong handed Xiang Lei a bottle of Pepsi. At that moment, Shao Yiming suddenly became anxious and told Wei Tong he needed to return to the military base immediately—he just remembered he had to cover a shift for a fellow soldier that evening. So, the three of them settled the bill and headed to the bus stop.

Before boarding the bus, Shao Yiming tugged Wei Tong’s hand. As he passed by Xiang Lei, he patted his shoulder again. Once on the bus, Shao Yiming waved at Wei Tong and Xiang Lei through the window. His final clear gaze lingered briefly on Xiang Lei—so briefly that no one else would have noticed.

Xiang Lei suddenly felt uneasy, though he couldn’t pinpoint why.

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72

Xiang Lei remembered that when Pei Yong enlisted, he often complained in letters that his military unit felt like a prison. Even weekend outings required permission. Yet, Shao Yiming visited Wei Tong almost every weekend. Xiang Lei figured it might be because he was a second-class non-commissioned officer and worked as a clerk in his company, giving him some flexibility.

Three days after their first meeting, Xiang Lei ran into Shao Yiming online. Xiang Lei found it odd that he had internet access in the military, but Shao Yiming said the army was modernizing.

“Want me to find you a boyfriend? You trust my taste, right?” Shao Yiming asked.

“I have one,” Xiang Lei replied.

“I heard the gist from Wei Tong. Does that even count? Listen to Wei Tong—stop being naive!”

“Do you know many gay guys?”

“How could I? Running into you today is rare. I hardly ever get to chat.”

“So, you and Wei Tong must have some real fate.”

“I think it’s actually fate between you and me.”

Xiang Lei froze when he saw Shao Yiming’s reply, which seemed to come without hesitation.

“Sounds like your resources are limited. How are you going to find me a boyfriend?” Xiang Lei deflected.

“Me! What do you think?”

Xiang Lei felt like he couldn’t escape.

“Just teasing! Looks like you took it seriously.” Shao Yiming added when Xiang Lei didn’t respond.

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73

That weekend, when Shao Yiming came to visit Wei Tong again, Wei Tong invited Xiang Lei out for dinner. After some thought, Xiang Lei decided not to go.

But then, Wei Tong actually showed up at Xiang Lei’s dorm. Thinking Xiang Lei might be upset, Wei Tong insisted on taking him out for some fresh air.

Xiang Lei deliberately avoided meeting those clear eyes, but the more he tried, the more he found himself unable to.

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74

Again, three days after Shao Yiming left, Xiang Lei received a message from him online.

“Xiang Lei, I know what you’re thinking. From the moment I first saw you, I could tell—my feelings couldn’t be one-sided. Honestly, I rarely get to meet people like us. My decision to be with Wei Tong so quickly was probably just because I’ve been lonely for too long. Right after getting together with him, I met you. That only makes me more convinced that this fate belongs to you and me, not him and me. Avoiding this will only make things worse than facing it head-on. I think you should seriously consider the relationship between the three of us.”

Xiang Lei’s mind was in turmoil.

After much deliberation, he only replied with one sentence: “Even if this is fate between you and me, it doesn’t have to be special. Otherwise, this fate is just cruel.”

His thoughts in disarray, Xiang Lei couldn’t even focus on chatting with Xu Menghu.

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75

That weekend, wanting to escape, Xiang Lei got up early and left the dorm, not returning until late.

He had never spent a weekend morning like this before—it felt totally meaningless. To kill time, he went to an internet café. As the overnight gamers stumbled out, yawning and pale-faced, Xiang Lei walked in against the flow like a fish swimming upstream.

At noon, he invited Shi Zhuo and Chen Taoguang out for lunch, had some drinks, then spent the afternoon playing arcade games in Xidan. That evening, when he returned to the dorm, he asked everyone if there had been any calls for him. They all shook their heads, and Xiang Lei seemed visibly disappointed.

The next day was the same.

Around one in the afternoon, Shao Yiming suddenly sent a message on QQ: “Where are you?”

Xiang Lei quickly went offline, but Shao Yiming immediately sent another: “I told Wei Tong I was going back to base, but I’m actually at the ‘e-Wang Qing Shen’ internet café across from your school. Can you come?”

Since he was offline, Xiang Lei didn’t plan to respond.

“I know you’re there, just invisible. You wouldn’t be this heartless, would you?”

“I don’t want to go back yet. Can you come? Please!”

This was Xiang Lei’s absolute weak spot. No matter who said it, he could never resist such pleas.

“No!” he replied anyway.

“Did you see the message I left you last time?”

“Yes.”

“Did you think about it?”

“I’ve thought it through.”

“Then let’s talk face to face, okay? Come now?”

“No need. We’ve only met twice. What you’re feeling might just be a misunderstanding.”

“Just come over!”

In the end, Xiang Lei had no choice but to meet Shao Yiming because the guy started acting shameless, threatening that if things continued like this, he might as well end it all—he’d break up with Wei Tong. And if Wei Tong demanded a reason, Shao Yiming would tell him the truth.

After weighing the options, Xiang Lei still believed it was better for Shao Yiming and Wei Tong to stay together. He didn’t dare think too much about it, only hoping that Shao Yiming would eventually fall for Wei Tong and see him as just a friend.

As they walked past the school gate together, Xiang Lei kept imagining the scenario of running into Wei Tong. Such scenes were common in movies and novels, likely drawn from dramatic real-life situations. Even as he hurriedly boarded a bus, Xiang Lei couldn’t help scanning the passengers.

Final stop: Zizhu Bridge.

Xiang Lei and Shao Yiming walked side by side along the roadside, maintaining a distance of about a body’s length between them. For a long time, neither spoke.

“Two cones,” Shao Yiming said, bending down to the McDonald’s takeout window.

Xiang Lei wondered why he hadn’t bothered to ask if he wanted one first.

Shao Yiming walked over and handed one to Xiang Lei. When Xiang Lei hesitated, Shao Yiming grabbed his arm and pressed the cone into his palm.

“You’re too reserved, whether it’s about something important or not,” Shao Yiming said.

I’ve known that for a long time, Xiang Lei thought.

“Forget it. Don’t worry, I won’t break up with Wei Tong,” Shao Yiming added.

Xiang Lei’s heart first leaped with joy, then sank with disappointment.

“I know even if we broke up, you wouldn’t agree to be with me. Staying with him means I’ll still get to see you,” Shao Yiming continued.

This time, it was the opposite—Xiang Lei first felt disappointed, then inexplicably happy.

“And don’t say we’ve only met twice. Some people you could see hundreds of times in your life and still feel nothing. Others, you might recognize in a single glance. Whether you believe it or not, I do!” Shao Yiming went on.

Still unsure how to respond, Xiang Lei focused on eating his ice cream.

“But before meeting you, I also doubted the idea of love at first sight.” Shao Yiming laughed.

Xiang Lei couldn’t resist turning to look at the striking face beside him. The clear, spring-like eyes and the playful little canine tooth complemented each other perfectly, making Xiang Lei feel a bit intoxicated.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Shao Yiming stopped walking.

The slightly drunk Xiang Lei was actually starting to feel dejected.

Xiang Lei’s love always seemed to come too easily.

—Maybe it shouldn’t even be called love, because none of it came with hope.

Pei Yong could only be a good brother.

Xu Menghu was just a passing traveler.

Wu Liang would remain a memory.

He Fei would stay just a roommate.

And Shao Yiming… could only stand on the opposite shore of morality, gazing helplessly from afar.

If any of these fleeting emotions had carried even a glimmer of attainable hope, Xiang Lei might not have been so sentimental.

—Maybe it shouldn’t even be called sentimentality, because none of it ever carried much weight.

Xiang Lei couldn’t help but wonder: Should I just give up on love altogether?