Chapter 18 – A Collapsing Little World

95

In November, Xiang Lei rented an apartment near the school and moved almost all his belongings out of the dormitory.

Because Li Zeng had said that his workplace was restructuring and he was facing layoffs, so he might as well resign outright and come to Beijing to look for work. When Xiang Lei heard this news, he didn’t feel the excitement he thought he should have. He even repeatedly tried to persuade Li Zeng not to make such a rash decision. But Li Zeng’s decision was clearly not something Xiang Lei could influence. He came anyway.

Before Li Zeng arrived in Beijing, he asked Xiang Lei for 500 yuan, saying that his decision to come north had caused a rift with his family and he had no travel expenses. Xiang Lei had intended to use this as an opportunity to persuade him further but was worried it might create a misunderstanding about money. In the end, he still sent the money. Xiang Lei decided to face the reality that Li Zeng would soon be by his side, living together day and night.

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96

Li Zeng emerged from the station exit dragging an oversized suitcase. Xiang Lei and Wei Tong stepped forward to meet him.

“Not bad,” Wei Tong whispered to Xiang Lei.

Xiang Lei responded with a genuinely relieved smile but said nothing else.

Li Zeng walked up to Xiang Lei and called him “baby” in a sickeningly sweet voice. Xiang Lei reached out to take the suitcase but was pushed away by Li Zeng.

“I slept the whole way. Not that tired,” Li Zeng said.

Xiang Lei introduced Li Zeng and Wei Tong to each other, and the three of them headed back to the “home” Xiang Lei had already set up.

“I missed you so much, baby!” As soon as they entered, Li Zeng hugged Xiang Lei and, without regard for Wei Tong’s presence, kissed Xiang Lei on the lips. Xiang Lei, somewhat embarrassed, responded perfunctorily and then told him to go take a shower.

Xiang Lei hadn’t forgotten his original intention. That night, when Li Zeng signaled for him to turn over, despite a brief moment of internal struggle, Xiang Lei quickly adjusted his state of mind and complied.

Li Zeng pulled out something that looked like a toothpaste tube from his suitcase and began the necessary preparations. When Xiang Lei felt the cool sensation, he couldn’t help but tense up.

“Baby, your… backside… seems… off?”

Xiang Lei had noticed something during recent showers and had thought he might have hemorrhoids. Hearing Li Zeng say this now, Xiang Lei felt a slight sense of relief.

Next time, Xiang Lei thought to himself.

“Don’t move. Let me take a look.” Li Zeng turned on the bedside lamp and examined closely. Xiang Lei felt the position was extremely awkward, like a prisoner awaiting a whipping.

“Xiang Lei… Fuck your mother!”

Xiang Lei suddenly heard a piercing curse, followed by being violently shoved aside by Li Zeng.

Xiang Lei turned his head and met eyes that seemed ready to kill, burning with rage, as if they could incinerate everything in sight in an instant.

“You fucking played innocent in front of me while screwing around with others behind my back!” Li Zeng growled through clenched teeth.

Though Xiang Lei was facing fire, he couldn’t help but shiver.

“Do you even know what you’ve caught?”

Xiang Lei felt himself trembling.

“Genital warts!”

Xiang Lei began to shake.

This bastard must be joking. He’s putting on quite the act!

“How many people have you been fucking around with? Tell me! What did I tell you before?” He lunged forward, gripping Xiang Lei’s neck. Xiang Lei felt his breath cut off. Another minute, and he’d be dead.

“Are—you—sure?” Xiang Lei forced out the words with difficulty.

“Still playing dumb?!” Li Zeng released Xiang Lei’s neck and slapped him across the face.

Xiang Lei realized he didn’t even have the strength left to feel pain.

Li Zeng shoved Xiang Lei aside and then moved away from him.

He jumped off the bed, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and sat on the edge of the bed smoking. The room fell into complete silence, so quiet that the sound of the burning cigarette was almost audible.

“Don’t forget what school I graduated from,” Li Zeng broke the silence, speaking slowly. “Back when I was interning with my teachers, I saw this kind of thing all the time. Keep playing innocent if you want!”

Xiang Lei suddenly thought of those bold-font words on the flyers—the ones plastered on telephone poles and public restroom walls. Things that had seemed so distant were now knocking on his door, demanding to be acknowledged.

“Think carefully. Who have you been fooling around with?” Li Zeng continued.

“No one. If it’s only transmitted that way, then it can’t be.” Xiang Lei’s voice trembled.

“Fine! Tomorrow we’re going to the hospital. Once it’s confirmed, let’s see what you have to say then.” Li Zeng crushed his cigarette on the floor and muttered darkly.

Xiang Lei had been focused on recalling his experiences since meeting Li Zeng, but then Shao Yiming came to mind—the bloodstains that had made him feel so dirty that day. It suddenly struck Xiang Lei that he and Li Zeng were finished. Who would stay with someone who had an STD? Who would? Another fleeting so-called happiness. Another one.

“Before I met you… there was one time. It didn’t… go all the way, but there was blood…” Xiang Lei closed his eyes as tears slid toward his temples.

“When?”

“The day before I went home for summer break.”

“That checks out. The incubation period fits. Which means I’m probably next.”

At these words, Xiang Lei began to sob silently—the kind of sobbing that comes when the world collapses. Many people talk about that feeling, and now Xiang Lei was experiencing it firsthand.

Li Zeng climbed back onto the bed, wrapped an arm around Xiang Lei, and said softly, “Don’t cry. We’ll get checked tomorrow. If I’m wrong, then it’s a relief. If it’s really… then we’ll treat it slowly. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you because of this.”

Xiang Lei felt a flicker of hope. First, Li Zeng might be mistaken. Second, Li Zeng said he wouldn’t leave. For a moment, Xiang Lei thought the situation might not be as dire as it seemed.

“Point that guy out to me when you have time. I’ll fucking ruin him,” Li Zeng added.

“I… lost his contact info,” Xiang Lei said.

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97

The next day, Li Zeng and Xiang Lei went to the hospital together.

The doctor on duty in the outpatient clinic was a woman in her early thirties. Xiang Lei wanted to wait until the shift changed before getting examined, but Li Zeng said there was no point in being shy in a place like this.

To prove it, Li Zeng went in for a checkup before Xiang Lei. Then the female doctor called Xiang Lei’s name, and he braced himself and walked in.

“Strip,” the doctor said bluntly.

After the examination, as the doctor was filling out the medical record, Xiang Lei, red-faced, said, “Can you check… the back too?”

The doctor gave him a suspicious look. “Should’ve said so earlier! Turn around and bend over.”

Xiang Lei felt as if the whole world could see him in that moment—his filth exposed with nowhere to hide.

“Genital warts!” the doctor announced as she scribbled on the medical record.

Xiang Lei was sure everyone in the waiting area outside had heard.

“Service industry?” the doctor asked while writing the prescription.

“Yeah,” Xiang Lei answered without thinking.

Later, when Li Zeng saw the prescription, he said the woman had been asking if Xiang Lei worked in the service sector. By answering like that, she probably assumed he had easy money. The prescribed medication would cost over 1,000 yuan.

Next was electrocautery. When the plump doctor holding the instrument saw Xiang Lei pull down his pants and turn around, he couldn’t help but ask, “In the back?” Xiang Lei didn’t respond. He closed his eyes, pretending neither he nor anyone else could see him. Maybe if they passed each other on the street someday, the doctor wouldn’t even recognize him.

“Your partner gave this to you?” the doctor asked, perhaps trying to ease Xiang Lei’s nerves.

“Yeah.”

“Your partner… is also male?” the doctor continued.

“Yeah.”

“That area isn’t meant for that. Take it easy.”

“Yeah.”

Then Xiang Lei experienced a pain unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

The smell that filled the air afterward made him nauseous.

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98

The day after returning from the hospital, Xiang Lei made a special trip to see Wei Tong.

He cautiously asked Wei Tong if he’d ever had “substantial” relations with Shao Yiming. Wei Tong first looked incredulous, then laughed and asked when Xiang Lei had become so gossipy. Only then did Xiang Lei realize that asking Wei Tong about this had been a mistake. He decided that if he ran into Shao Yiming over the weekend, he’d ask him directly.

Shao Yiming, of course, never expected Xiang Lei to create an opportunity for them to be alone.

Before this, Shao Yiming had thought there was no hope left in his relationship with Xiang Lei. When Xiang Lei asked that question, Shao Yiming even felt a flicker of joy. He eagerly replied, “No, absolutely not!”

Xiang Lei exhaled deeply. “Good. Then leave him.”

The misunderstanding was colossal. Shao Yiming thought Xiang Lei was saying this because he was ready to accept him.

His voice nearly trembling, Shao Yiming asked, “You… you’ve made up your mind?”

Xiang Lei smiled sarcastically, his face filled with disdain as he met those clear eyes.

“You think I don’t know? I’m not here to demand medical expenses from you!”

Shao Yiming froze at the sight of Xiang Lei’s contempt. The secret joy from moments ago awkwardly faded, and for a long time, he didn’t respond. To Xiang Lei, this was undoubtedly a sign of guilt.

“Xiang Lei, what are you talking about?” he finally asked.

“If you’re pretending, there’s no point in exposing you. We both know the truth. If you really haven’t developed symptoms yet, it won’t be long before you understand what I mean today.” Xiang Lei turned to leave.

In such a situation, Shao Yiming should have grabbed Xiang Lei and demanded an explanation—and indeed, he did.

“What kind of illness do you have?” Shao Yiming pressed.

Xiang Lei tried to pull away but failed.

“Let go,” Xiang Lei said.

“Tell me, what illness do you have? What were you talking about just now?”

Xiang Lei felt completely drained. He hadn’t come here for an argument, so why spell everything out? Just saying the word out loud would make him feel unbearably disgusted.

“Let the fuck go!” Xiang Lei yanked himself free and strode away in frustration.

“Xiang Lei, I’m leaving the army,” Shao Yiming’s voice called from behind.

Xiang Lei almost stopped in his tracks—but only almost.

In truth, Shao Yiming was still torn between leaving the military and staying. But at this moment, as Xiang Lei walked away without hesitation, Shao Yiming decided—if Xiang Lei showed no reaction at all, he would choose to leave.

Once Xiang Lei disappeared around the corner of the building, Shao Yiming was overcome with sorrow.

Shao Yiming found Wei Tong and broke up with him.

Wei Tong was immediately distraught. He asked Shao Yiming why, and Shao Yiming said he was leaving the army.

When Wei Tong saw Shao Yiming off at the station, he cried. And as Shao Yiming sat on the bus back to base, tears nearly fell from his eyes too. He stared out the window at the bustling world that had nothing to do with him, replaying Xiang Lei’s cold rejection over and over in his mind, resigning himself to the painful truth—it was all over.

As for Xiang Lei’s story, this was where Shao Yiming’s part ended.

Before winter truly set in, Liu Chong mentioned that the dorm had received several calls for Xiang Lei, all from the same voice. Xiang Lei couldn’t be sure if it was Shao Yiming.

In any case, after that, neither Xiang Lei nor Wei Tong ever heard from Shao Yiming again, let alone saw him. Xiang Lei once spotted a message from Shao Yiming on QQ but didn’t reply—he simply added him to the blacklist.

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99

Li Zeng had been job-hunting the entire time, but nothing ever panned out.

He outright refused to consider jobs like restaurant service. There had been an opening at a pharmacy, but he couldn’t stand the monotony. Sales or business development didn’t suit him either—he was too temperamental and impatient.

Li Zeng grew increasingly irritable. Sometimes, in the middle of a meal, he’d suddenly slam his bowl and chopsticks down, shouting, “Who the hell cooks like this?” Or he’d pull a pair of pants Xiang Lei had washed from the balcony, shove them in his face, and demand, “Is this how you normally do laundry?” before tossing them into a basin of water.

Xiang Lei still believed this wasn’t the worst possible situation. Without Li Zeng by his side, he truly didn’t know how he’d cope. He had thought that after the electrocautery and the expensive interferon treatments, the disease wouldn’t be a major issue anymore. But Li Zeng told him, “Baby, you’re in for a world of suffering.”

Sure enough, two weeks later, Xiang Lei’s condition relapsed.

Xiang Lei explained to the elderly doctor in the outpatient clinic that he was still a student, and sure enough, the cost of the second electrocautery was halved. This time, the doctor wielding the tool was a middle-aged woman. Maybe she had a son around Xiang Lei’s age, because he heard her say in a tone that was both sympathetic and scolding, “How did a young man like you end up with this kind of illness?” When Xiang Lei didn’t respond, she asked, “Who were you fooling around with?”

“A… teacher,” Xiang Lei lied.

“Then why aren’t you going after him? Sue him! I’ll testify for you!”

“He… didn’t mean to.”

Xiang Lei braced himself for the pain, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“You’d better prepare yourself. Some patients have to undergo this procedure for a full year before it stops recurring.”

Just as Xiang Lei was on the verge of breaking down, Li Zeng reassured him, “Don’t worry, baby. We’ll face it with a positive attitude. At least it didn’t go all the way, so it won’t be as bad as the doctor said.”

Xiang Lei felt that Li Zeng had become his emotional anchor.

But it was at this very moment that Li Zeng revealed a secret—one that mercilessly extended Xiang Lei’s physical suffering into the realm of his psyche.

Li Zeng spoke as if lost in thought, forgetting that his listener was Xiang Lei.

He said that after Xiang Lei returned to school, he had met up with the “friend” he’d mentioned before—the one in the photo hanging in Li Zeng’s room. This man made a living by selling his body. He liked Li Zeng, and Li Zeng liked him.

But their relationship was purely physical. The man couldn’t rely on Li Zeng, so he had no intention of giving up his “career” for him. Likewise, Li Zeng couldn’t abandon Xiang Lei for him. After a month together, they parted ways. Before coming to Beijing, Li Zeng had been living in the man’s rented apartment in Jinan.

When they separated, they exchanged gifts as mementos. The man bought Li Zeng a pair of designer pants—the very ones Li Zeng had berated Xiang Lei for not washing properly. In return, Li Zeng bought him a pair of designer shoes. He hadn’t had enough money, so he’d asked Xiang Lei for some…

Xiang Lei burst into tears. Closing his eyes, he felt the same way he had on the first night Li Zeng told him about the disease—as if the sky had fallen, and his little world had collapsed with it. There was no way out.

Xiang Lei knew he had never been so devoid of principles before. Things he couldn’t accept, he now had to stubbornly endure—because the alternative would be even worse. He couldn’t predict, nor did he dare imagine, what that “worse” might look like. It was this impossible dilemma that made him cry endlessly, as if the tears could express what words couldn’t.

Li Zeng held him tightly, murmuring tenderly, “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. But you have to believe me—no matter what happens with others, you’re the only one in my heart.”

Xiang Lei felt nothing.

All he felt was his own wretchedness, his hatred for the hand fate had dealt him. Why me? he raged silently, asking the question over and over.

He wished he could reach out and grab fate itself, hurl it to the ground, spit on it, and stomp on it wildly—just to retaliate against its arrogance.

Xiang Lei didn’t know if what he’d already endured was enough.

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100

Every day, Li Zeng was lost in thought, thinking about what kind of job he could possibly find.

One day, he asked Xiang Lei, “Aren’t there a lot of gay bars in Beijing? Maybe I could try working at one.” Xiang Lei immediately objected. Li Zeng laughed and asked if Xiang Lei was afraid he’d be corrupted. Xiang Lei said he simply didn’t want Li Zeng working in that kind of place.

Over the weekend, Li Zeng invited Wei Tong over for dinner and brought up the idea of visiting a gay bar. Xiang Lei’s expression darkened instantly. Li Zeng merely glared at him before continuing the discussion with Wei Tong. Only after Wei Tong agreed to take Li Zeng to a bar that night did he notice Xiang Lei’s displeasure. He hesitated and said to Li Zeng, “Maybe another time?”

Li Zeng slammed his bowl and chopsticks onto the table, jabbing a finger at Xiang Lei and roaring, “Laozi can’t even go look for a job—am I not even allowed to go see one? You’re telling me you’ve never been to one? Ask anyone—who’d believe someone could catch an STD from just one time?”

Xiang Lei’s heart ached with bitterness.

The contrast between his summer memories and his time with Li Zeng in Beijing was staggering. Back then, Li Zeng could make him forget himself in sweetness with the slightest effort. Now, Li Zeng could just as easily plunge him into despair with a single word.

“You two go ahead. I don’t want to,” Xiang Lei said. The moment Li Zeng mentioned the STD, he already felt guilty, so his words lacked any real defiance.

Li Zeng kicked over his chair and kept shouting, “Suit yourself! Who the hell are you putting on airs for?”

Wei Tong stood up and grabbed Li Zeng’s arm, sensing that the foot that had just kicked the chair might just as easily lash out at Xiang Lei, who sat there mechanically chewing his food.

Wei Tong thought—if Xiang Lei didn’t go, what would it mean for him to accompany Li Zeng alone? But given Li Zeng’s mood, it seemed tonight’s outing was inevitable. Regretting his loose tongue wouldn’t help now, so he did his best to persuade Xiang Lei to come along.

After Xiang Lei reluctantly agreed, the three of them headed downstairs.

The minor surgery had left Xiang Lei somewhat unsteady on his feet. The hallway light was broken, so he cautiously felt for the first step with his toes. At that moment, Li Zeng stopped and reached out a hand. As Xiang Lei took it, tears spilled from his eyes. Li Zeng immediately stepped closer and pulled him into an embrace. Xiang Lei sobbed openly.

Li Zeng patted his back, murmuring, “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. I lost my temper again.”

In that moment, Xiang Lei felt like a total woman—overflowing with grievances, soothed by the slightest comfort. At any other time, he would have been disgusted with himself.

When they left the bar, two men followed them. Only after Wei Tong hailed a taxi did one of them hurry forward, tapping Li Zeng on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, man, wanna stick around and chat? My friend wants to get to know you.”

Li Zeng glanced at the other man in the distance, hesitated briefly, then turned to Xiang Lei and said, “You two go ahead. Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.”

Maybe it was because of the tender embrace before they left, but Xiang Lei’s mind was oddly clear. Without protest, he got into the taxi with Wei Tong.

As the car pulled away, Wei Tong stared at Xiang Lei in disbelief. “Xiang Lei… how could you agree to that?”

Xiang Lei didn’t know how to answer. Only then did unease begin to creep in.

Li Zeng did return quickly—but he brought the man who had wanted to meet him along.

Xiang Lei lay on the bed, curled toward the wall, pretending to be asleep. He didn’t bother to turn and see what the man looked like. He heard Li Zeng “shush” softly before turning off the light.

Then he heard… them go into the bathroom together.

Next came… the sound of the shower.

Xiang Lei closed his eyes tighter, wishing this were all just a nightmare.

Xiang Lei began to hope he would wake up soon.

Just as his consciousness started to blur, he heard them climb onto the bed one after another, tiptoeing quietly. Xiang Lei felt Li Zeng turn his back to him, whispering intimately with the stranger.

“Why aren’t you getting hard?” Xiang Lei heard the stranger ask.

“Not used to this setting, I guess,” Li Zeng replied.

“It’s not because of him, is it?” Xiang Lei felt a finger point toward him.

“No. He’s just a little brother I took in,” Li Zeng said. “But… he’s always liked me…”

“Want me to take over?” the stranger offered.

“Forget it. Another time.”

Xiang Lei pressed himself so tightly against the wall that he nearly lost the blanket. The cold concrete chilled his skin, and he tried in vain to warm it with his own body. He clung to it desperately, as if he could merge into it, pass through, and emerge into the open night outside—where he imagined the air would be fresh and clean.

The whispering grew fainter, and just as Xiang Lei felt his consciousness slipping again, the mattress beneath him began to tremble irregularly. He realized Li Zeng had climbed on top of the other man.

A spasm twisted in Xiang Lei’s chest, and something churned in his gut.

It took him a long time to gather the strength to move, but finally, he struggled upright, stepped over the entwined bodies, and stood barefoot on the icy floor as he pulled on his clothes. He couldn’t find his socks, so he shoved his feet straight into his shoes.

The moment the door clicked shut behind him, he heard Li Zeng call his name.

“Go to hell,” Xiang Lei thought in response.

At the stairwell landing, Xiang Lei doubled over, retching violently. The convulsions nearly knocked him off his feet. He crouched, one hand braced on the ground, face flushed with the effort—but nothing came up.

This, perhaps, was what Xu Menghu had called “nothing left to lose.”

Nowhere to go. Xiang Lei had thought he had a home, but now, he was truly homeless.

He remembered the fragmented lines he’d scribbled in his middle school essays—always about wandering. But it wasn’t until tonight, years later, that he truly understood what it meant to wander.

The silent, empty streets at night must exist for those with no home to return to.

The cold and hunger were almost a blessing. In the grip of starvation and freezing temperatures, all emotions became worthless. Love, pain—none of it mattered!

Otherwise, wouldn’t he just be another pitiful, weeping woman?

Xiang Lei eventually returned to the entrance of the apartment building, curled up on the ground, and fell asleep.

At dawn, Li Zeng woke him. When Xiang Lei opened his eyes, he saw the stranger slip into a private car, its taillights flashing as it turned around.

Li Zeng waved at the departing car, watching until it disappeared down the alley, before crouching in front of Xiang Lei and cupping his face in his hands.

The dim light made it impossible for Xiang Lei to clearly see the face so close to his.

He pushed the hands away.

And caught a whiff of the foul scent clinging to those fingers—a scent that made his stomach churn all over again.

Upstairs, back in bed, he yanked the blanket tightly around himself. So warm.

Li Zeng climbed in after him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

Xiang Lei pulled his hand free from the blanket and shoved Li Zeng’s arm away. Li Zeng tried again; Xiang Lei pushed him off once more. The cycle repeated until Xiang Lei simply left his own hand in place, waiting for the next attempt.

Li Zeng sat up, leaned against the headboard, and lit a cigarette.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting.”

Xiang Lei thought saying “Shut up” would waste too much energy.

“Do you know who that guy is? His dad’s a high-ranking city official. He just came back from studying abroad and now works in the Investment Bureau. He promised to help me find a job.”

Xiang Lei just wanted to sleep. He was exhausted, freezing—he needed to pass out as soon as possible.

“You know how much your treatment costs. I have to find work soon.”

Xiang Lei almost laughed. So this man truly did think differently from normal people, just as he’d always claimed.

“Baby, say something!” Li Zeng shook him.

“Let’s break up.” Three words—yet they drained him completely. Just saying them left him hollow.

“What?”

“I said—let’s. Break. Up.” Might as well use up the last of his strength.

“No!” Li Zeng roared immediately. “You think you can just decide that? Don’t you know I’m doing this for you? Do you even realize I couldn’t get hard? I didn’t fucking do anything! You know I’ve never had that problem before. If it weren’t for you, why the hell would I be like this? If I wasn’t worried about you sitting at home overthinking, why wouldn’t I have just gone to a hotel with him? If I hadn’t dropped everything to come find you, only for you to bring this fucking disease with you, why would I be forcing myself like this?”

“If I have this disease, will I die?” Xiang Lei stared at him.

“Keep dragging it out, and even if you don’t die, you’ll wish you had!”

“I’d rather die!” Xiang Lei spat, eyes burning.

Li Zeng flinched, unable to meet the rare intensity of his gaze.

“Didn’t I tell you? No matter what happens with other people, as long as you’re the only one in my heart, isn’t that enough? You never listen to a goddamn thing I say. Always acting like some tragic Lin Daiyu¹The main female protagonist of Dream of the Red Chamber.—get over yourself!”

Xiang Lei wanted to say—I remember that line perfectly. In fact, I’ve never forgotten it. I just think it’s complete bullshit!

But what was the point? Arguing was meaningless. They didn’t fit. Time to end it.

Thinking back, maybe they shouldn’t have been together from the start. It wasn’t that sentimental Xiang Lei had fallen for someone out of gratitude—more like confused Xiang Lei had impulsively mistaken something for love.

But then Li Zeng had said—”If I hadn’t dropped everything to come find you, only for you to bring this fucking disease with you, why would I be forcing myself like this?”

For a moment, Xiang Lei had no rebuttal.

Leaving now would feel cruel—to both of them.

And yet, every day, he seemed to need Li Zeng more.

Xiang Lei told himself that from now on, nothing this man did could hurt him anymore. No matter how uniquely he thought, Xiang Lei wouldn’t care.

So what difference did it make if they stayed together or not?

Li Zeng’s arm wrapped around him again. This time, Xiang Lei didn’t push it away.

Exhausted, he shifted slightly, found a comfortable position, and sank into a deep sleep.

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  The main female protagonist of Dream of the Red Chamber.