Chapter 19 – The Struggle Continues

101

Not everyone could take the English CET-4 exam in the first semester of sophomore year. To ensure a high pass rate, the school stipulated that only those with an average English score of 70 or above in the previous academic year could register. Xiang Lei naturally qualified.

Using the exam as an excuse, Xiang Lei arrived early every day to study and returned late at night. He rarely went back to the dorm, and unless he suddenly felt like attending class, no one would see him except in large lecture halls like Marxist Philosophy, where he always sat alone in the corner of the last row, with at most two or three girls nearby.

Li Zeng still hadn’t found a job. It was unclear whether the high-ranking official’s son who had studied abroad had contacted him, and Xiang Lei hardly ever thought about it. Once, Li Zeng came to school to have a meal with Xiang Lei. During the meal, he received a phone call, smiled broadly while talking, and walked out of the cafeteria. By the time he returned, Xiang Lei had almost finished eating.

When Li Zeng sat back down, he carefully observed Xiang Lei’s expression and found it completely blank. Disappointed, Li Zeng had expected Xiang Lei to at least ask, “Who was it?”

That night, Li Zeng asked Xiang Lei, “Baby, do you not love me anymore?”

Xiang Lei replied indifferently, “What about you?”

Without hesitation, Li Zeng said, “Of course I love you!”

Xiang Lei countered flatly, “What about Xiao Guang?”

At this, Li Zeng seemed somewhat irritated.

“I don’t love him!” Li Zeng said. “I just feel sorry for him because he’s my youngest brother! He introduced me to this path, but he couldn’t make me love him!”

“I love you!” he added.

Hearing this, Xiang Lei was disappointed.

If even Xiao Guang couldn’t earn this man’s love, did he truly have any real love to give? Xiang Lei had thought more than once that the deeper Li Zeng’s love for Xiao Guang was, the more worthy he would be of Xiang Lei’s affection. Even if Li Zeng’s love for Xiao Guang meant he had less to give Xiang Lei, it would still feel justified. But now, it seemed that wasn’t the case at all.

“I don’t think I can make it in Beijing. After accompanying you through this surgery, I’ll go to Guangzhou to find my third uncle,” Li Zeng said. “If the condition recurs after this surgery, don’t waste any more money. Wait until Spring Festival, and I’ll take you to see an old Chinese medicine doctor. He’s my teacher’s senior brother, and I’ve heard he has a prescription that works really well.”

“Fine.”

Li Zeng saw the same blank expression on Xiang Lei’s face. Feeling as if he might burst with frustration, he suddenly pulled Xiang Lei into a tight embrace, as if sensing he was about to lose him in the next moment.

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102

Wei Tong asked Xiang Lei how he had contracted such an illness. Xiang Lei hesitated, unsure how to respond.

Li Zeng cut in, “I don’t know whether to feel relieved or pissed off! I was just thinking I should be glad you didn’t get it from fooling around after being with me, but then I realized I almost got infected myself, so there’s nothing to be happy about.”

Wei Tong noticed how terrifying Li Zeng’s expression became when he was angry and silently regretted asking, not daring to probe further.

Wei Tong told Xiang Lei that he wanted to find someone new as soon as possible—only then could he free himself from the pain of losing Shao Yiming. Xiang Lei seemed to understand this feeling, but as an outsider, he also thought it wasn’t very rational. So when Wei Tong said he was going to Zhuozhou to meet an online friend, Xiang Lei pretended to be wise and advised him to think twice.

After thinking it over, Wei Tong still went.

During dinner that evening, Li Zeng’s phone rang. After answering, his expression tensed, and he said, “Hold on,” before passing the phone to Xiang Lei.

On the other end, Wei Tong sounded panicked and on the verge of tears, begging Xiang Lei to come to Zhuozhou to pick him up. When Xiang Lei urgently asked what had happened, Wei Tong said it was too complicated to explain over the phone. He was waiting in a small shop on the street, and he still owed the owner for the call.

The meal ended there. Li Zeng and Xiang Lei immediately set off for Zhuozhou.

When Wei Tong saw Li Zeng and Xiang Lei approaching, he burst into tears. After Xiang Lei paid for the call, they stepped outside, and Xiang Lei pressed Wei Tong for details. Wei Tong could barely string a sentence together.

Wei Tong said that after meeting him, the online friend took him to a residential building. They climbed to the third floor, walked down a dark hallway, and entered a one-bedroom apartment.

There was almost no conversation. The man immediately pushed Wei Tong onto the bed and tried to undress him. When Wei Tong said he hadn’t eaten yet, the man retorted, “You came all this way just for a free meal?” Offended, Wei Tong rejected his advances. Truthfully, Wei Tong had thought of Xiang Lei’s condition and hadn’t planned to get intimate with a stranger so quickly.

The man’s attitude changed instantly. He locked the living room door, sat in a chair by the desk, and stared at Wei Tong with disdain, hurling insults. “People like you give off the vibe of being cheap and desperate for sex. What’s with the act? Playing innocent?”

Wei Tong grew scared and tentatively said, “If you don’t like me, I’ll leave now.”

“Leave? I haven’t had my fun yet. Where do you think you’re going? I paid good money to rent this place, and you think you can just walk out?”

Wei Tong was now terrified. “Then… what do you want?”

“What do I want? You tell me. Take off your clothes.” The man remained seated, smirking strangely.

When Wei Tong didn’t move, the man’s smirk vanished, and he roared, “Take them off!”

Wei Tong stood frozen, on the verge of crying. His expression seemed to enrage the man, who stormed over, cursing, “You fake-prude slut!” and began tearing at Wei Tong’s clothes.

Wei Tong struggled desperately, but the man punched his chest, back, and even his groin. When Wei Tong cried out for help, the man slapped him hard across the face. The force was staggering—Wei Tong’s head spun, and his cheek burned as tears streamed down.

“You fucking bitch! Scream again! I dare you! You think I won’t kill you?”

Seeing the man’s vicious expression, Wei Tong thought of all the murder cases he’d read about online. If he were killed today, it might make headlines on Sina in a few days, just another bizarre story for people to gossip about. When it came to gay-related news in China, aside from sensational crimes, there wasn’t much else worth reporting.

His tears fell uncontrollably, unrelated to his emotions.

“Please, big brother. If you hate me, just let me go,” Wei Tong pleaded softly.

The man shoved Wei Tong onto the bed, then returned to his chair and lit a cigarette.

“You ruined my mood, you idiot. Fuck!”

They sat facing each other from noon until dinnertime. For Wei Tong, every second was torture.

He even despaired, thinking this might be the suffering he had to endure before being killed. No one knew what the man would do next—he seemed easily provoked. Wei Tong didn’t dare speak, enduring the relentless humiliation.

Before nightfall, the man left. He took Wei Tong’s phone, stripped him of all valuables—necklace, ring, CD player—leaving Wei Tong with only his disheveled clothes.

Before leaving, the man waved the stolen items and said, “Don’t think I want this crap. I’ll leave it in the living room. If you want it back, wait here like a good boy.” Then he walked out of the bedroom.

Wei Tong followed, but as the door began to close, he instinctively reached out to stop it. The man crushed Wei Tong’s hand in the doorframe without hesitation. Wei Tong yanked his hand back in pain, and the door clicked shut, locked from the outside.

Xiang Lei grabbed Wei Tong’s hand to examine it—it was already badly swollen.

After the man left, Wei Tong still didn’t dare call for help. He climbed out the window, realizing that if he clung to the ledge, he might be able to lower himself onto the second-floor balcony. Without hesitation, he did so. But once there, he found no way down further and couldn’t climb back up. Looking down, he saw soft grass below, so he gripped the balcony, closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and let go.

Luckily, he only scraped his arms and didn’t break any bones.

Furious, Li Zeng wanted to call the police, but Wei Tong clung to him, insisting he just wanted to leave. Li Zeng said fine, but at least take us back to that place so we can confront him. Wei Tong looked terrified and refused to return.

Helpless, the three slowly made their way to the bus station.

Xiang Lei suggested taking a taxi back. For some reason, it felt like compensation. In the confined space of the cab, with only the driver present, Wei Tong leaned on Xiang Lei’s shoulder and cried freely the whole way. He kept saying how much he missed Shao Yiming, how it hurt in his chest.

When Wei Tong mentioned the pain in his chest, Xiang Lei felt a dull ache in his own. Pulling Wei Tong closer, his eyes welled up, and tears streamed down his cheeks without warning.

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103

Three days after Xiang Lei’s third electrocautery procedure, Li Zeng’s third uncle called, saying he was on a business trip to Baoding and wanted Li Zeng to meet him there that day.

Before seeing Li Zeng off at the bus station, Li Zeng asked if Xiang Lei would move back to the dorm. Xiang Lei said he’d wait until he recovered—it was inconvenient to disinfect and care for his condition otherwise. After a moment’s thought, Li Zeng removed his SIM card and left his phone with Xiang Lei.

As they stood talking at the station, Xiang Lei even felt a sense of relief. But when Li Zeng heard the driver’s call and had to board the bus, Xiang Lei suddenly grew melancholic.

Winter in Beijing was always brutally cold. The wind whipped through Xiang Lei’s hair, sending chills through his body.

As the bus started, for some reason, Xiang Lei burst into tears. He was certain it wasn’t because he couldn’t bear to see Li Zeng leave—but could bidding farewell to something that had only resembled love really evoke such sorrow?

Li Zeng clearly misunderstood. He must have thought Xiang Lei was crying because he didn’t want him to go, so he too began weeping. Pressed against the window, he waved frantically at Xiang Lei, gesturing for him to wipe his tears.

Xiang Lei never expected Li Zeng to shed tears, so at that moment, he couldn’t help but feel moved for him.

Xiang Lei didn’t want to go home alone. He could already foresee the loneliness and helplessness that awaited him in that empty “home.” He went to buy a new SIM card and called Wei Tong, only to hear the automated “powered off” message before remembering that Wei Tong’s phone had been left behind in Zhuozhou.

Xiang Lei passed by an internet café, walked a dozen steps further, then turned back.

He opened his forum diary and reread every word, but he couldn’t recapture the emotions he had once described. The phrases and passages that had once expressed happiness and sweetness now seemed unbearably pretentious. At one or two points, Xiang Lei even laughed—but it was a laugh of bitter scorn.

Beep beep beep—

The sound of a QQ message notification chimed in his headphones.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Xiang Lei felt a sudden surge of self-pity.

“What’s wrong?”

“He can’t stand my cooking or the way I do laundry.”

“What else?”

“I caught a disease. An STD.”

“This is karma! This is your punishment for being gay!”

“He insists I got it from sleeping around.”

“If it’s karma, then once is enough, right?”

“He asked me for money to buy designer shoes for someone else.” Xiang Lei’s nose stung.

“Where is he?”

“He slept with someone else right beside me.” Tears streamed down Xiang Lei’s face.

“I’m asking you—where is he?”

“He left.”

“Is he coming back?”

“No.”

“Are you better now?”

“No. Maybe I never will be.”

“Xiang Lei, do you have any fucking idea how much I miss you?”

“The Crying Lion” asked Xiang Lei: Do you have any fucking idea how much I miss you? Xiang Lei felt both comforted and absolutely hollow.

Still, after everything that had happened, Xiang Lei wanted to tell him—everything, holding nothing back.

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104

Li Zeng sent four letters in a row, one every week.

He said he wrote while lying in bed, under the covers with a flashlight. He said there was no heating, that he blew on his hands to keep them warm while writing. In his letters, he said he missed Xiang Lei terribly.

Xiang Lei didn’t reply, but Li Zeng never scolded him for it in later letters.

When Xiang Lei’s condition flared up again, he remembered the old Chinese doctor Li Zeng had mentioned and called him, giving Li Zeng his new phone number.

Xiang Lei thought bitterly that perhaps he and Li Zeng were still bound by fate. Because Xiang Lei didn’t want to give up on life because of an illness, and he didn’t want to die like this.

Just when things seemed hopeless, Xiang Lei unexpectedly received a remittance—1,000 yuan, with the sender listed as “Xu Menghu.”

So, Xu Menghu wasn’t just a figment of Xiang Lei’s imagination. At the very least, the postal system recognized his name.

Xiang Lei didn’t dwell on it. On one hand, he needed the help. On the other, he was happy to have some tangible connection with Xu Menghu—even if it was just owing him a favor, it was still something real.

On New Year’s Day, Xiang Lei received a postcard.

The front featured a cartoon tiger playing the piano. The back was crammed with messy handwriting:

“Is the picture too childish? But I searched forever to find one with a tiger, so I hope you like it. Lately, my days have been quiet—just how I want them. But I can’t stop worrying about you. I keep struggling with whether I should visit you, though I hope you feel the same as I do—that it doesn’t matter. I hope you recover soon, though I suspect the real illness is in your heart. If I ever see him, I swear I’ll cut him down. I live with devilish impulses every day, yet I’m still safe. You’re different. May the gods who’ve protected me spare some time to protect you too.”

The last line was squeezed in, clearly running out of space. Xiang Lei read it over and over, smiling genuinely each time.

That morning, Xiang Lei woke up with his hair sticking up in all directions. No matter how much he tried to fix it, it wouldn’t cooperate. He ended up skipping his morning class to take a hot shower. As he sat at his desk blow-drying his hair, he saw the postcard again and suddenly decided to get a haircut.

He got a buzz cut—the shortest his hair had ever been in his life. Now, he wouldn’t waste time fussing over it every morning. Staring at his reflection, Xiang Lei felt a little unfamiliar with himself, but he was satisfied.

Now, Xiang Lei listened to “With or Without You” on his TV and DVD player. Now, Xiang Lei had a buzz cut. Now, Xiang Lei could no longer bear the immeasurable distance between them. Now, Xiang Lei uncontrollably wanted to “become him”—the man who wore an unbuttoned beige shirt, chest bare, hair as short as Xiang Lei’s stubble after a week of neglect.

The man who called himself Xu Menghu.

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105

The empty room next to Xiang Lei’s was rented by a young married couple—or maybe just lovers.

The guy would greet Xiang Lei with things like, “Hey man, back already?” or “What’s for dinner today?” The girl would simply smile softly when they crossed paths.

The guy sold plush toys and accessories like scarves and gloves from a street stall in the Xidan subway underpass, leaving early every morning. The girl mostly stayed home, cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking.

Every night before bed, Xiang Lei could see them through the window, counting money. The girl sat on the bed while the guy crouched in front of her, handing over crumpled bills for her to recount carefully.

Xiang Lei envied them every time he saw this, though he wasn’t entirely sure what exactly he envied.

Wei Tong said he envied them too.

“I suddenly want to find a guy who sells things on the street,” Wei Tong told Xiang Lei. “I’d go with him to set up the stall. I think I could swallow my pride and shout our wares to passersby. If the urban management officers came, I’d react faster—I’d pack up our stuff in a flash and drag him away with me.”

When Wei Tong wasn’t around, the apartment felt terrifyingly lonely. So Xiang Lei often invited Shi Zhuo and Yang Lin over. Whenever they came, they always brought DVDs to watch.

Yang Lin brought a Korean film called “Bungee Jumping of Their Own.”

A man and woman fall deeply in love, but when the man returns from military service, the woman has vanished without a trace. Years later, as a high school teacher, the man notices a male student who bears an uncanny resemblance to his lost love. He becomes obsessed. In the end, the two travel to New Zealand and leap from a cliff, hand in hand.

Xiang Lei hadn’t expected the film to involve same-sex emotions—though strictly speaking, it wasn’t about homosexuality at all. Still, by the end, his face burned. Yang Lin sobbed into Shi Zhuo’s arms while he wiped her tears and murmured, “There, there.”

They let the credits roll until the DVD returned to the menu screen. By then, Yang Lin was still dabbing her eyes.

Seeing Yang Lin cry so emotionally moved Xiang Lei inexplicably.

Days later, during a computer lab session, Xiang Lei ran into Shi Zhuo online. When the topic turned to new experiences, Shi Zhuo said he was intensely curious about all things novel. Xiang Lei replied, “If you knew one of my secrets, you might not say that.” Shi Zhuo quickly typed back, “Go ahead, tell me.” Just as Xiang Lei hesitated over whether to bare his soul to this like-minded friend, another message popped up:

“Is it that you don’t like girls?”

Xiang Lei froze. After a long pause, he asked: “Is Yang Lin not with you?”

The reply came: “I am Yang Lin. The last message and this one are from me. Shi Zhuo suddenly wants to talk to you about Wang Xiaobo’s ‘Like Water.’ You two carry on.”

So the sharp-eyed girl had figured him out. Strangely, Xiang Lei felt no embarrassment—only relief.

Shi Zhuo explained that the topic of new experiences had been random small talk. He was slow on the uptake, and only after Yang Lin grabbed the keyboard did he realize what Xiang Lei’s secret was. Xiang Lei joked, “Don’t worry, I won’t fall for you.” A string of sweating emojis came in response.

At that moment, Xiang Lei laughed.

Then, he realized—it had been a long time since he’d last laughed.