Chapter 22 – Split

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In the second year of junior high, He Fei got caught up in a gang fight at a roller-skating rink in Dewai.

Amid the frenzied beats of No Limit, the boys and girls who had been enthusiastically skating quickly and voluntarily cleared half the rink, huddling in a corner, watching the fight with a mix of trepidation and excitement.

Seeing his brothers outnumbered, He Fei rushed into the crowd in the corner, grabbed someone at random, and urgently gave them an address and a name, telling them to go find that person immediately and relay the situation. Finally, He Fei added his own name…

He Fei often wondered: Why was it that the person he grabbed at random wasn’t just anyone, but Xiao Er?

If it had been someone else, they probably would have agreed and then immediately fled. In that case, his life might have turned out very differently. But as for how different, He Fei really had no idea.

Later, perhaps God felt their story wasn’t over yet, so He arranged for He Fei to meet Xiang Lei, for the two of them to come to the same university, and even to be assigned to the same dorm.

Out of a playful mood, He Fei revealed to their dormmates the little secret that the instructor had invited him and Xiang Lei out for drinks alone, and even exposed Xiang Lei’s drinking capacity. For this, Xiang Lei called He Fei a traitor. Just as He Fei was feeling gratified that he had the right to be called Xiang Lei’s traitor, Xiang Lei began avoiding him. He Fei was deeply troubled by this, even a little angry.

“That bastard is so much like Xiao Er! Even his inexplicable temper is exactly the fucking same!” He Fei thought.

Every day, when He Fei tried to wake Xiang Lei up for their 8 a.m. class, Xiang Lei refused to get out of bed. When He Fei pulled off his blanket, Xiang Lei got furious. He Fei chalked it up to morning grumpiness and, instead of getting angry, laughed it off, then decided to stay in the dorm, lying on Liu Chong’s bunk to smoke and read the newspaper, skipping class with Xiang Lei. The rustling of the newspaper must have disturbed Xiang Lei’s sleep, because the guy eventually got up, washed up, and left the dorm without even saying a word.

He Fei was baffled. He had already apologized on the spot for the “traitor” incident, and at the time, Xiang Lei had clearly cooled off. He Fei couldn’t understand what Xiang Lei’s attitude meant now.

He Fei decided not to take it personally. He felt Xiang Lei was just like Xiao Er—like a child, whose tantrums were almost natural. Sometimes, He Fei even found the petulance amusing.

He Fei saved a seat for Xiang Lei in the lecture hall. When Xiang Lei walked in, He Fei eagerly waved him over, but Xiang Lei just shook his head and headed for a corner on the other side. During the second half of the lecture, He Fei shamelessly moved next to Xiang Lei and kept trying to make conversation, but Xiang Lei barely responded.

“What’s your problem? Don’t tell me you’re still mad about what happened the other night!” He Fei whispered.

“Not at all!” Xiang Lei turned to face him, looking completely innocent.

“Then why are you ignoring me?” He Fei pressed.

Xiang Lei stared blankly at the blackboard and didn’t reply. After a long pause, he sighed.

Somehow, hearing that inexplicable sigh made He Fei decide not to push further.

He Fei wanted to go to the cafeteria with Xiang Lei, but Xiang Lei said he had plans to meet a hometown friend at Peking University.

Before Xiang Lei left, He Fei stopped him and invited him to play basketball, but Xiang Lei said he had arranged to chat with an online friend.

For several days, He Fei rarely saw Xiang Lei in the dorm. When he did, Xiang Lei was always animatedly talking on the phone. He Fei received a few calls for Xiang Lei—all of them from men, without exception.

The moment Xiang Lei hung up, He Fei practically rushed over to confront him, asking sternly, “Xiang Lei, are you fucking gay or something?”

Xiang Lei froze, then weakly retorted, “You’re the one who’s gay.”

“Then why are all your calls from men?” He Fei pressed.

“Yeah! Exactly! I noticed that too!” The other dormmates chimed in one after another.

From then on, we asked Xiang Lei this question almost every day. It wasn’t until he was threatened with having his pants pulled down that Xiang Lei finally admitted he was gay—no doubt about it—even though he wished he weren’t.

This hit He Fei hard. He had once praised it as fate bringing them together, but after this, He Fei suddenly felt that fate’s arrangement was nothing but bullshit!

On his way home, He Fei stopped at the familiar alley entrance. There was a worn stone bench at the entrance, and He Fei sat there, burying his head in the fading sunlight. In such a moment, of course, he was reminiscing about Xiao Er, so he didn’t dare lift his head for a long time. Back then, lifting his head would have revealed Xiao Er walking out of sight, but now, He Fei knew that scene would never happen again.

Xiang Lei—gay. Every day, he took calls from gay men, chatting about disgusting topics with suggestive undertones. How could he be anything like Xiao Er? Even if Xiao Er had been like him—liking men—the only person he would have liked was He Fei. Xiao Er would never have eagerly socialized with those gay men. He Fei began to feel disgusted by Xiang Lei. If Xiang Lei stood before him now, He Fei was sure he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from beating him up.

But then He Fei realized how unwilling he was to let go.

How could he? Pouring his heart out a second time only to end up the same way—it was fucking infuriating!

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“Hey! Gay!” He Fei started calling Xiang Lei that.

He Fei still woke up early every day to go to school, still tried to spend as much time as possible with Xiang Lei. He made sure to call him “gay” as often as possible, each time with the most disdainful look he could muster. He Fei believed this kind of humiliation was worse than physical violence. He stubbornly believed this was the response Xiang Lei deserved.

But whenever he heard others gossiping about Xiang Lei’s sexuality behind his back, whenever they used “woman” as an adjective to describe Xiang Lei, He Fei felt uncomfortable, even angry. He felt those people had no right to hurt Xiang Lei, yet they kept doing it.

He Fei saw Xiang Lei constantly searching for friends, for a gay lover. When he saw Xiang Lei excitedly chatting with his gay online friends, he wanted to curse. And when he saw Xiang Lei looking heartbroken over those people, he couldn’t help but feel a little smug. He Fei was almost certain those people would end up hurting Xiang Lei—sooner or later, deeply or lightly. Uncontrollably, this made He Fei pity Xiang Lei.

He Fei heard Xiang Lei bragging about his novel in the dorm, then saw Liu Chong reading it intently. After hearing Liu Chong’s series of exclamations, He Fei was dying to know what Xiang Lei had written. But how could he possibly ask to borrow it?

Xiang Lei went on to boast that he had posted the novel online, and several websites had quickly reposted it. After Liu Chong finished reading, he left it on his desk. He Fei glanced at the title, then searched for it online when he got home. The “several websites” Xiang Lei mentioned were all gay sites. Disappointed, He Fei realized the novel must be about gay relationships.

Still, despite his disappointment, He Fei opened Xiang Lei’s story.

After reading it, He Fei momentarily felt as if Xiao Er had written it. The plot bore too many similarities to He Fei’s own unforgettable memories. When He Fei reached the last word, he was reluctant to finish. He felt the final period should have been an ellipsis. He reread the last few chapters repeatedly, his eyes welling with tears.

He Fei believed the story must have been based on Xiang Lei’s own memories. No one could fabricate such realistic scenes out of thin air, and this realism was something only someone with similar experiences—like He Fei—could truly appreciate.

Before this, whenever the word “gay” came up, He Fei would involuntarily picture two men kissing or pressed together naked. He found the image revolting, with no room for negotiation. But now, when he thought of the word, his mind turned to Xiang Lei—to the brotherly love described in Xiang Lei’s story. And to his surprise, He Fei found himself feeling a hint of longing.

Xiao Er’s love for him had once been something He Fei couldn’t let go of. Now, looking back, He Fei wondered if his own feelings for Xiao Er could also be called love. Except, when He Fei thought of this brotherly love, he naturally ignored the sexual aspect—the image of two men kissing or pressed together naked.

At this moment, He Fei almost wished he were gay too—or at least had the potential to be. That way, Xiang Lei being gay wouldn’t disappoint or anger him anymore.

So He Fei browsed the websites that had reposted Xiang Lei’s story, reading erotic fiction, looking at explicit images, and even downloading a gay porn video through a series of links. He couldn’t finish watching it—the scenes stirred no desire in him. Strangely, this disappointed him.

He Fei told himself clearly: He wanted to be brothers with Xiang Lei. He even wanted Xiang Lei to depend on him completely, emotionally. But he didn’t want that dependence to lead to some awkward gay relationship.

He Fei had fantasized more than once about a life where he and Xiao Er would each have their own wives and children, living across from each other, seeing each other every day, traveling together as families, sharing joys and sorrows. To put it more crudely, He Fei hoped that if their kids were both girls, they’d be like sisters; if both boys, sworn brothers; and if one boy and one girl, they could even become a couple.

Now, with Xiao Er replaced by Xiang Lei, He Fei’s fantasies remained unchanged.

Xiao Er had once told He Fei he would find a girlfriend. But in this regard, Xiang Lei was different. Xiang Lei said he was undeniably gay, so he was constantly searching for a gay lover—persistently, almost stubbornly.

He Fei thought about it for a long time. Before bed, he made a decision: He would make Xiang Lei fall in love with him. He would make Xiang Lei stay away from those people who were bound to hurt him. He would make Xiang Lei willingly be his brother for life.

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Making Xiang Lei fall in love with him wasn’t as simple as He Fei imagined.

He Fei could hardly find time to talk to Xiang Lei. It was as if some irreparable rift had opened between them, making Xiang Lei avoid him constantly.

No matter who was sleeping in the dorm, Xiang Lei moved quietly, never turning on the lights or opening the curtains. But the others never appreciated this—when they were awake, they talked loudly, turned on the lights, and flung open the curtains and windows.

Every time He Fei saw Xiang Lei trying to sleep in such conditions, he wanted to yell at them to shut up. But the problem was, everyone could see that his relationship with Xiang Lei wasn’t close enough to justify standing up for him like a brother. This frustrated He Fei, so he joined the noise himself, almost as if to spite Xiang Lei.

To outsiders, He Fei appeared no different from anyone else—deliberately maintaining both physical and emotional distance from Xiang Lei to prove he wasn’t gay. Only He Fei himself knew he didn’t need this proof at all.

By chance, He Fei stumbled into the forum Xiang Lei frequented and discovered his online diary. It felt like clouds parting to reveal the sun. He Fei decided to register an account. Sitting in front of the computer, he racked his brain for a username until he finally settled on “Give Me a Cigarette,” inspired naturally by Xiang Lei’s “Memories Like Smoke.”

For He Fei, those days were undeniably a period of psychological split.

In the dorm, He Fei and Xiang Lei remained like strangers sharing a room. Online, Xu Menghu and Xiang Lei grew more and more attached to each other by the day. He Fei still resented Xiang Lei’s sexual orientation, but Xu Menghu abandoned his original stance, deciding instead to offer Xiang Lei unreserved, sincere brotherly love.

Xu Menghu thought he’d subconsciously mistake the online Xiang Lei for Xiao Er, but that wasn’t the case. Every time Xu Menghu felt himself missing the other person, Xiang Lei’s face would immediately appear in his mind.

At first, He Fei and Xu Menghu coexisted peacefully—this split personality even worked to their advantage. When Xiang Lei wanted to hear his voice, Xu Menghu could easily find a buddy to impersonate him. But when Xiang Lei insisted on meeting in person, things started going downhill. Xu Menghu thought Xiang Lei was shallow, placing too much importance on sex, while Xiang Lei bluntly said Xu Menghu was too illusory, impossible to reach.

When Xiang Lei threatened to give up, Xu Menghu grew anxious and angry. He deliberately tried to imagine the kind of “reality” Xiang Lei hinted at, but the moment he pictured the stubble above and below Xiang Lei’s lips, Xu Menghu knew he could never sincerely kiss someone like that.

While Xu Menghu was tangled in these thoughts, Xiang Lei had already publicly announced his relationship with Wu Liang.

He Fei and Xu Menghu merged into one, seething as they silently cursed Xiang Lei—that lovesick gay, that heretical sex fiend.

How could He Fei not understand this so-called “love” that happened so quickly? He’d been through this kind of beginning and process many times before: seeing a girl and wanting to sleep with her after just one glance, only for that interest to gradually fade until nothing remained.

He Fei was irritable, finding fault with everything. At a crossroads under the Jishuitan overpass, He Fei and a buddy got into a verbal clash with an equally arrogant Buick owner, which quickly escalated into a fight. A woman in the car made a call, summoning seven or eight young men who proceeded to beat He Fei and his friend senseless.

He Fei’s head was busted open, and like other classmates, Xiang Lei came to the hospital to visit. After exchanging a few polite words, Xiang Lei hurried off to be with his “boyfriend.”

At that moment, He Fei managed a rare moment of calm reflection. If possible, he truly hoped Xiang Lei could find happiness. If only harmony between mind and body could make this guy happy, what right did He Fei have to stand in his way?

Perhaps the gods only arrange fate—its depth is left to destiny.

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He Fei’s fragile little moment of calm vanished like snowflakes on charcoal. Because Xiang Lei’s relationship ended as quickly as it began, He Fei felt both heartache for him and an irrepressible schadenfreude.

He Fei thought this would be a perfect lesson for Xiang Lei. But after drowning his sorrows in alcohol, shedding some heartbreak tears, and moping for about a week, Xiang Lei quickly threw himself back into the search for love.

He Fei refused to believe that a man like Xiang Lei could need so-called “love” more than other men did!

Xiang Lei probably felt too ashamed to update those whiny diary entries anymore. He started frequenting the campus BBS, investing himself as fully in those online friendships as he did in his search for men. Would those people who flattered him endlessly never hurt him? Eventually, he’d lower his guard again, and they’d inevitably let him down once more.

He Fei firmly believed everyone would hurt Xiang Lei because he never bothered to protect himself.

Xiang Lei walked in the dark, using the heavy night to hide the colors stamped on him that people refused to acknowledge, expressing himself only through sound. He Fei, like a prankster, shined a spotlight on him, leaving him nowhere to hide! He needed to understand—this world was a forest of trees standing in different poses but identical in essence. Maybe only after wandering the entire forest would he finally discover that, in its vast expanse, there was only one tree that dared to bloom. By then, surely he wouldn’t willingly stay blind but would stumble back along the path he came.

So He Fei exposed him on the BBS: “Herbivorous Wolf is actually gay!” At this, they all sang the same tune to prove how progressive, open-minded, and intellectually rich they were.

And Xiang Lei—that idiot—was so easily swayed by the tunes others sang for him!

Furious, He Fei redirected his anger at Wu Liang. He gathered some buddies, called Xiang Lei to confirm Wu Liang’s details, went through some trouble to track him down, and gave him a beating.

Then, He Fei told Xiang Lei what he’d done. He expected Xiang Lei to be angry but didn’t anticipate him cutting off all online contact without hesitation.

It’s over!—Only then did He Fei panic.

He began blaming himself—for beating up Wu Liang, for exposing Xiang Lei’s sexuality on the BBS, for treating him with such duality, for failing to give him enough yet demanding his satisfaction in return.

He Fei even started to wonder: Was he the one hurting Xiang Lei the most?