Chapter 23 – The Square of Division

120

After He Fei got a mobile phone, he realized it wasn’t exactly a likable gadget.

By sheer coincidence, every time He Fei was upset by Xiang Lei, his girlfriend would call with trivial matters. On the day Xiang Lei admitted he was gay, his girlfriend wanted He Fei to go shopping with her. On the day Xiang Lei planned to meet Wu Liang, she questioned whether He Fei would go to the movies with her over the weekend. He Fei was totally fed up, and his girlfriend couldn’t tolerate it anymore. So, a day before Xiang Lei’s breakup, He Fei had already broken up with his girlfriend. Of course, He Fei didn’t drown his sorrows in alcohol or wipe away snotty tears like Xiang Lei did—He Fei had always been the type to break up without ever truly falling in love.

Xiang Lei cut off contact with Xu Menghu, and He Fei’s mood plummeted to rock bottom because of it. This state was often described as being “lost and despondent,” something He Fei rarely experienced. Sometimes, He Fei thought this must be how others felt when they were heartbroken.

Every day, He Fei did three things: added Xiang Lei’s QQ account, reread a certain passage from Xiang Lei’s novel, and checked Xiang Lei’s online activity. These three things quickly became an unshakable habit, just like the habit he had from the start of the semester until winter break—pretending to be a Three-Good Student by leaving early and returning late every day.

He Fei thought Xiang Lei might attend the school BBS meetup after finals, so he hastily registered an account and signed up. He Fei really wanted to know if Xiang Lei would be attracted to any of the guys at the gathering. He felt Xiang Lei was too quick to fall for someone, and he planned to give him a warning look of disdain at the right moment.

But Xiang Lei didn’t show up at all.

121

Perhaps it was another twist of fate—He Fei found a girl he liked at the BBS meetup.

For the first time, He Fei didn’t have any dirty thoughts about a girl he was instantly drawn to. He felt there was a classical beauty about her, an elegance in her every gesture that made him reluctant to defile her. Upon closer inspection, her features weren’t exactly delicate, but as a whole, she was captivating—soft, graceful, with a hint of melancholy in her eyes. And it was precisely that graceful sorrow that He Fei was drawn to.

It seemed he really didn’t have any latent homosexual tendencies. How could such delicate, moving tenderness exist in a man? Even if a man were effeminate, he probably couldn’t replicate a fraction of it. Thinking this, He Fei didn’t feel excited—instead, he felt a little disappointed.

People kept saying she was one of the two most talented girls on the BBS. He Fei figured she must be “Wandering Cambrian,” the one who posted daily. He didn’t have any particular feelings about her writing—He Fei had never been the type to appreciate literary elegance.

The girl next to her was constantly showered with compliments by everyone—she must be the other talented girl, equally famous on the BBS alongside “Wandering Cambrian.” This girl seemed much more striking, but her beauty was distinctly modern, and to He Fei, that modernity was just one step away from being outright worldly. Her speech was logical and poised, and He Fei had always been wary of smart girls—they had charm, but often lacked sensuality.

The smart girl’s boyfriend introduced himself as Shi Zhuo. He came over to greet He Fei, who had been left out, and asked for He Fei’s online ID. At that moment, He Fei grew nervous, as if the other guy had already seen through him—the one who had exposed Xiang Lei’s privacy. He Fei lied, saying he was just a lurker, and awkwardly raised his glass.

Little did He Fei know, Shi Zhuo was a drinker. Immediately, he latched onto He Fei, insisting they play drinking games. Unable to refuse such enthusiasm, He Fei had no choice but to oblige.

What He Fei didn’t expect was that “Wandering Cambrian” would keep glancing his way. After He Fei and Shi Zhuo finished their match, she even switched seats with Shi Zhuo and introduced herself as Zhang Wenwen.

Then, she said to He Fei, “You remind me of someone.”

He Fei wasn’t much of a drinker, and he was already feeling a little dizzy. He smirked—perhaps a bit too flippantly—and asked, “An ex-boyfriend?”

“Not exactly,” she replied, seemingly oblivious to the teasing in his smile, her eyes still filled with sorrow. “He had family troubles, couldn’t take the college entrance exams, and dropped out of high school to work in the south. To comfort his terminally ill mother, he got engaged early.”

The unfortunate boy’s future bride, of course, wasn’t her.

Those daily posts must have been her way of mourning a love that never truly was.

Everyone has a story, He Fei suddenly thought with a pang of melancholy. Everyone’s most unforgettable memories are tied to a love that didn’t work out, and then, everyone looks for a replacement.

“How about I be your boyfriend?” He Fei said.

Zhang Wenwen didn’t seem surprised. She studied him for a moment before replying, “Maybe I don’t need a boyfriend right now. But I’d like to be your friend.”

That this girl, who should have been as reserved as a nun, could be so forward made He Fei think her memories must have been too vivid. She asked for He Fei’s QQ number, but He Fei hesitated and said he didn’t use QQ, then gave her his phone number instead. When she started reciting her dorm phone number, He Fei hurriedly took out his phone.

During winter break, He Fei got a call from Zhang Wenwen from her hometown. Over the next week, He Fei called her back a few times out of politeness. After a few exchanges, He Fei could almost be certain that Zhang Wenwen had already started treating him as her boyfriend. He deliberately asked if she had met up with that boy to reminisce, and Zhang Wenwen said it would only be a disturbance.

After the semester started, Zhang Wenwen invited He Fei out to eat. When He Fei arrived at the meeting spot, he found Shi Zhuo and Yang Lin were also there. Shi Zhuo grinned at He Fei and said, “Handsome guy meets talented girl—just like the scholars and beauties the ancients praised, a truly delightful sight.” Yang Lin corrected him, “That’s not quite right. The talented girl is also a beauty, but the way you put it makes it sound like there’s some huge misunderstanding.” So Shi Zhuo playfully pretended to slap himself.

He Fei saw Zhang Wenwen smiling without saying anything, so he chuckled along.

122

In truth, the entire winter break had been somewhat torturous for He Fei.

He Fei could no longer see Xiang Lei every day, or even be depended on by him as a virtual persona. He racked his brains trying to figure out how to fix things, and in the end, he pinned his hopes on that unfinished “story.”

Back then, He Fei had known how sentimental Xiang Lei was, so to catch his attention online immediately, He Fei had decided to share a deeply personal memory with him. But halfway through the “story,” He Fei realized how agonizing it was—so painful it made his chest tighten, until he couldn’t bear to continue.

This time, He Fei spent most of an afternoon typing out the second half of the story on his computer. At the end, he suddenly felt cruel, as if the “story” was something he could actually control. After some thought, he deleted the last few paragraphs.

He Fei posted this half-story on the forum Xiang Lei frequented, then checked Xiang Lei’s last login time every day. The trick worked—on the first day back at school, He Fei finally reestablished online contact with Xiang Lei.

Excited, He Fei thought, From now on, I can’t underestimate this guy’s temper.

123

The real He Fei’s ancestors were from rural Henan, but he had grown up more familiar with his maternal grandparents, who lived in Beijing. He Fei was two months older than this cousin, so he’d never had to shoulder the responsibilities of an elder brother. The two of them had been bickering since childhood, but their relationship only grew stronger because of it.

One day, the cousin came over to He Fei’s place for dinner, but He Fei stayed holed up in his room, unusually ignoring him. The cousin barged in and saw He Fei busy chatting on QQ. What was shocking was that He Fei only had one friend on QQ—and judging by the profile picture, it was clearly a male contact.

The cousin circled around behind He Fei and saw him typing out lines so cheesy they could give anyone goosebumps. And even though he knew his cousin was watching, He Fei didn’t bother hiding it.

“You into guys now?” the cousin asked, wide-eyed.

“Maybe. Now get lost and stop bothering me,” He Fei snapped impatiently.

“I’m gonna tell Auntie!” the cousin threatened, pretending to leave the room—but He Fei didn’t react at all.

“You’re not serious, are you?” the cousin pressed.

“It’s a guy from my dorm. He has no idea who I am, and I don’t plan on telling him,” He Fei said, glancing back at his cousin. “You know what? He looks just like Xiao Er.”

Seeing how serious He Fei was, the cousin didn’t push further.

The person on the other end asked He Fei for a photo. He Fei smirked mischievously, opened a folder on his computer with his cousin’s pictures, picked the most pretentious one, and—before his cousin could react—sent it.

“Hey! Hey—are you out of your mind?!” The cousin lunged for the mouse, but it was already too late.

He Fei laughed. “What? You think he’s actually gonna meet you?”

“That’s a violation of my portrait rights! And didn’t you promise to introduce your classmates to me for computer parts? What if they recognize me?” the cousin protested.

“Relax, I’ll warn you ahead of time and have your girlfriend watch the shop,” He Fei said. “Oh, right—forgot to tell you, this classmate of mine really is gay. That handsome photo of yours is probably lethal.”

“Then I’m screwed! If he falls for me and starts showing off my picture everywhere, bragging about knowing some hot guy, I’ll be famous. And if my mom finds out, I’m dead. You’re such an asshole!”

“You should be happy! You’re probably thinking, What’s so great about making girls scream? I can even charm a dude without breaking a sweat!” He Fei burst out laughing. “From now on, you can be my stand-in. After all, you’re the real He Fei.”

“What nonsense are you two talking about?” came He Fei’s mother’s voice from the living room. The two immediately fell silent.

It was rare for He Fei to be in a good mood, and his cousin was easygoing, so they quickly reached an agreement.

124

Shi Zhuo organized another small BBS gathering, and He Fei felt he got along well enough with Shi Zhuo’s friends to tag along.

He Fei never expected Xiang Lei to show up this time. When Shi Zhuo introduced He Fei, he deliberately pointed out that He Fei was Zhang Wenwen’s boyfriend. At that moment, He Fei felt absolutely mortified. For some reason, he really didn’t want Xiang Lei to know about any of this—even though he knew Xiang Lei had no idea He Fei was Xu Menghu online, and the fact that He Fei had a new girlfriend wouldn’t affect Xiang Lei’s feelings for Xu Menghu.

He Fei had originally agreed with Zhang Wenwen to watch a movie together in the afternoon, but as if trying to make up for something, after the gathering ended, he lied on the spot, saying he had other matters to attend to. He told Zhang Wenwen to head back to school on her own while he took a detour back to the dorm.

He Fei wanted to wait for Xiang Lei in the dorm and exchange a few words with him face-to-face—even if they were just trivial remarks. He was desperate to end this state of estrangement, even though Xiang Lei seemed unwilling to give him an easy way out.

He Fei waited for Xiang Lei the entire afternoon, growing increasingly restless. He didn’t want to wait anymore, but he also didn’t want to give up. During dinner, Xiang Lei returned with a CD in hand. When He Fei saw it was a U2 album, his heart skipped a beat.

Xiang Lei borrowed Liu Chong’s CD player and lay on his bed listening to the album. He Fei sat on Liu Chong’s bed, racking his brain for the right words to say. When Liu Chong invited him to eat together, He Fei ignored him completely.

Finally, He Fei took off Xiang Lei’s headphones and said, “Can you help me air out my quilt tomorrow?”

When Xiang Lei turned his face toward him, He Fei felt they were too close—almost at the distance where a kiss could happen. At that moment, He Fei had an absurd thought: he wanted to playfully kiss the spot Xiang Lei had just shaved clean, then pull away mischievously when Xiang Lei couldn’t help but respond. Maybe then, he’d follow.

Just as He Fei was about to delight in this idea, he suddenly realized—this thought had nothing to do with desire.

He stopped himself, turned away, and left. Let him figure it out on his own!

The next day, He Fei went online but couldn’t wait for Xiang Lei to log on. Growing impatient, he suddenly thought of his cousin. His cousin found the whole thing amusing, so he helped by calling Xiang Lei to invite him online.

After hanging up, his cousin recalled the self-introduction he’d just given—“The one who waits for you online every day”—and couldn’t stop himself from laughing hysterically, rolling around on the bed.

When someone asked Xiang Lei why he hadn’t met any online friends in a while, Xiang Lei said he already had someone. He Fei, who was present at the time, couldn’t have been more satisfied. He thought that between Xu Menghu’s sweet words and his cousin’s pretentiously cool photos, the act should have been flawless. He Fei never considered how this would eventually end.

But in reality, it seemed like there was no need for an ending at all.

Because the good times didn’t last.

In his online diary, Xiang Lei mentioned that his friends kept calling him foolish because they believed online relationships were unrealistic. Because of this, Xiang Lei was torn. He started pressing He Fei about when they would finally meet, but He Fei still refused. So, Xiang Lei resumed his search.

He Fei knew those so-called friends urging Xiang Lei to be realistic were all gay men around him—definitely including that sissy Wei Tong. He Fei despised them. They never considered Xiang Lei’s well-being, yet they constantly influenced his life.

Xiang Lei was repeatedly dragged to gay bars.

He even started staying out overnight.

He went to Shanghai to find that sissy who had once slept in He Fei’s bed.

He said he still planned to meet an online friend when he returned home for summer break.

After summer break, he once again loudly announced he was in love.

During National Day, he went to Xi’an—undoubtedly to meet another online friend.

The boyfriend he’d found back home followed him to Beijing!

Unconsciously, He Fei grew increasingly disgusted with this version of Xiang Lei. He thought that if Xiang Lei were a woman, he’d be promiscuous—as if he couldn’t survive without a man.

He Fei often imagined Xiang Lei entangled with another man in bed, replaying every explicit scene from the gay porn he’d seen, except now, the debauched men in those images were replaced by Xiang Lei. In these filthy fantasies, He Fei would drag Xiang Lei out of the dark room into the sunlight and then mercilessly beat him.

Xu Menghu’s feelings, however, were entirely different. Xu Menghu was trapped in the desolate position of being abandoned. He was certain he had fallen in love with Xiang Lei—the more Xiang Lei tried to leave, the more Xu Menghu wanted to hold onto him. But Xiang Lei only drifted further away day by day.

In his online diary, Xiang Lei detailed his new relationship. Strangers left him endless streams of identical congratulations. From that day onward, Xu Menghu decided to let go of this love that had become a pale imitation.

He Fei split in two—one was He Fei, the other was Xu Menghu. Then Xu Menghu split again—one silently hoped Xiang Lei would find happiness, while the other wished that man would eventually hurt Xiang Lei, forcing him to circle back in humiliation.

125

He Fei obediently played the role of Zhang Wenwen’s boyfriend.

It was surprisingly effortless, so He Fei found himself in his first proper relationship with a girl. Zhang Wenwen never used the usual feminine tactics to pressure He Fei into spending more time with her. At most, during their routine phone calls, she would suggest the time and place for their next date, sincerely asking for He Fei’s opinion. More often than not, their dates included Shi Zhuo and Yang Lin—the four of them eating together, shopping together, watching movies together, always in a perfectly warm and understated way.

He Fei often wondered if it was because he cared too much about this girl that he couldn’t bring himself to entertain too many improper thoughts about her body. In their year together, He Fei’s most daring move happened on a stone bench by the campus lake. It was an evening after National Day. The benches along the lake, separated by greenery, were all occupied by couples in various intimate poses. He Fei and Zhang Wenwen had no choice but to stand by the shore.

Unable to resist, He Fei kissed Zhang Wenwen. Mid-kiss, his hand slipped into her shirt. She didn’t resist, but He Fei quickly withdrew his hand and calmly ended the kiss.

Because he was acutely aware of his own physical reaction—and, damningly, he had thought of Xiang Lei in that moment.

On his way home, He Fei kept trying to figure out what this meant. He pondered the entire way but reached no conclusion. He believed his physical reaction was just a conditioned response to touching a girl’s body, but the sudden intrusion of thoughts about Xiang Lei had caught him off guard. He even considered whether he should try physical contact with Xiang Lei, but he was afraid—afraid he wouldn’t be able to face the potential failure.

126

On the first day of winter break during their sophomore year, He Fei unexpectedly ran into Xiang Lei online. Xiang Lei shattered the calm He Fei had painstakingly maintained for so long—he said he wasn’t doing well. In fact, he was miserable.

“He can’t stand my cooking or the way I do laundry.”

—He Fei thought, You deserve it.

“I caught a disease. An STD.”

—He Fei was stunned. Furious.

“He insists I got it from sleeping around .”

—He Fei thought, That doesn’t make your shame any less.

“He asked me for money to buy designer shoes for someone else.”

—He Fei hoped that guy was still in Beijing.

“He slept with someone else right beside me.”

—He Fei wanted to kill someone.

He Fei remembered how he had once hoped that man would eventually hurt Xiang Lei. Now, he realized that hope had been nothing short of a curse.

For the second time, He Fei blamed himself for Xiang Lei’s suffering. To Xiang Lei, He Fei’s hiding must have been nothing short of cruelty.

At that moment, He Fei desperately wished Xiang Lei were right in front of him. He wanted to hold him, to give his sorrow a proper anchor. That guy must have cried again—pathetic as always—and He Fei thought his tears should fall on someone’s shoulder.

He Fei felt that everything Xiang Lei had gone through was somehow his fault.

He borrowed 1,000 yuan from his cousin and sent it to Xiang Lei. Fortunately, Xu Menghu wasn’t real enough in Xiang Lei’s world, so He Fei didn’t have to worry about him finding a way to refuse.

The day before the spring semester of their sophomore year began, He Fei sent another 1,000 yuan to Xiang Lei. Little did he know that on the first day of the new semester—before Xiang Lei even received the money—Xu Menghu would be exposed to Xiang Lei by sheer coincidence.

He Fei thought it must have been fate.

After Xiang Lei turned and walked out of the dorm, He Fei began quietly preparing himself—mentally and emotionally—for what was to come.

But his thoughts were already in disarray.