Chapter 24 – Blurred Distance

127

Once upon a time, on those scorching summer afternoons, after showering in the water room, He Fei never followed the usual routine of drying off and putting on his underwear right there or covering himself while rushing back to the dorm only to turn his back to Xiang Lei. Instead, he would stride confidently into the dorm, unabashedly drying himself in front of Xiang Lei. Sometimes, while fiddling with his private parts, he’d even recite a popular cheeky saying: “How strange, how strange—my balls have never seen the sun, yet they’re dark; my pubes have never been permed, yet they’re curly.”

At such moments, Xiang Lei’s gaze would deliberately dart elsewhere. He Fei would watch to see if Xiang Lei was blushing—and without fail, he always was.

More often than not, the two of them existed in a state of near-strangers. He Fei felt that his behavior stemmed from a provocative impulse, though he couldn’t quite articulate what exactly he was provoking.

Even He Fei found it odd when he reflected on it later. Back then, exposing himself to an openly gay man hadn’t fazed him in the slightest, yet after Xiang Lei discovered he was Xu Menghu, seeing Xiang Lei again inexplicably made him feel awkward.

After class, He Fei habitually returned to the dorm, accepted a cigarette from Liu Chong, and sprawled out on Liu Chong’s bed. When Xiang Lei pushed the door open, He Fei found himself unconsciously sitting up.

They both began changing into soccer cleats, ready to head out for a game. Liu Chong kept urging He Fei to hurry up, but He Fei glanced at Xiang Lei and noticed he didn’t seem to be planning to leave. So He Fei told Liu Chong he was too tired to go.

At that moment, He Fei realized Xiang Lei seemed just as awkward as he was.

After Liu Chong and the others left, Xiang Lei rummaged through his drawer, stuffed a few things into his backpack, and quickly made to leave. Just as Xiang Lei grabbed the doorknob, He Fei couldn’t help but call out to his back, “Hey—”

Xiang Lei paused, half-turning his body. “Wait for me. I’ll be back soon,” he said before closing the door behind him.

He Fei guessed the guy was probably going to withdraw some money.

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, Xiang Lei returned and handed He Fei a stack of cash. A sudden wave of disappointment washed over He Fei, who turned his face to the wall, not wanting to say a word.

“Thank you. I can manage now,” He Fei heard Xiang Lei say.

No matter what, He Fei didn’t want to take the money today. It felt like doing so would sever whatever connection still existed between them. His mind raced, trying to figure out how to persuade Xiang Lei otherwise. He knew “persuade” was the right word—previously, he’d thought Xiang Lei lacked principles, but that wasn’t quite accurate. The guy was stubborn to the core.

“You hold onto it for now,” He Fei said, still facing the wall, deliberately injecting impatience into his tone.

“But I don’t need it anymore!” Xiang Lei insisted.

“Stop nagging. Just keep it for me. If I need it, I’ll ask.”

Xiang Lei didn’t argue further. Instead, he simply placed the money on the bed next to He Fei.

At that moment, He Fei felt an immense distance between them. Just as he was about to close the gap, the other man turned his back.

“Two thousand. Count it,” Xiang Lei said.

He Fei found this almost insulting. Two grown men fussing over a stack of cash was ridiculous enough, but the guy had to emphasize the amount. He Fei suspected Xiang Lei was making it clear he didn’t like him—though whether that was true or not, he couldn’t tell.

“You always wanted to meet, didn’t you? Well, now you have…” He Fei suddenly said.

“Yeah. It was unexpected,” Xiang Lei replied.

“Are you mad about it?”

“No,” he said, looking genuinely innocent.

He Fei couldn’t fathom how he managed to stay so calm.

“My birthday’s May 23rd. You can buy me a gift then. Just don’t give me this money today, alright?”

“Why not?”

“Fuck’s sake! No reason! Quit being so damn naggy!” He Fei snapped.

“Seems like you’re the one making a big deal out of it,” Xiang Lei said, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

“Fine, whatever! Just stop being so goddamn stubborn!”

“Alright. May 23rd… So I should spend all two thousand on a gift?”

“Do whatever you want!”

“You should at least tell me what to get. Don’t want to waste money.”

“I said do whatever!”

He Fei was thoroughly confused. He couldn’t tell whether, after meeting Xu Menghu, the distance between Xiang Lei and himself had grown or shrunk, whether things were better or worse, whether it was real or fake.

The awkwardness had faded quickly, but the pure, unspoken understanding they’d shared during their freshman year seemed to be gone for good.

128

When our class rep announced that Xiang Lei had passed the CET-4 without a hitch, He Fei’s expression was as if he’d won the lottery himself. The university stipulated that passing CET-4 was a prerequisite for taking elective Japanese courses. So while the rest of us were still slogging through English vocabulary, Xiang Lei had already moved on to studying Japanese grammar.

He Fei often asked Xiang Lei how to say certain phrases in Japanese. Since Xiang Lei had only attended a couple of classes, he couldn’t yet form full sentences. Eventually, he told He Fei, “You might as well just come to class with me.” He Fei happily obliged.

Only about twenty students had enrolled in the Japanese elective. After two sessions, the short, easygoing Japanese teacher had already matched most names to faces. So when she spotted He Fei—who obviously didn’t have a course pass—she didn’t call him out directly. Instead, she pointed at him and asked him to stand up and read a passage from the textbook.

He Fei froze on the spot. Clutching Xiang Lei’s textbook, he scratched his head repeatedly, not managing a single syllable.

“Here to audit the class, aren’t you?” the teacher asked, half-amused, half-feigning anger.

“Y-yeah… First time. My buddy here keeps raving about your amazing teaching style, so I couldn’t resist sneaking in.” Seeing that the teacher didn’t seem too hard to handle, He Fei took the opportunity to flatter her.

“Well, since you’re such a handsome young man, I’ll let you stay. But remember—next time, I’ll make you read again. If you still can’t squeeze out a single word, I’m kicking you out.”

Turns out, sticking close to Xiang Lei came with the price of learning a foreign language.

The Japanese teacher had a bit of a nationalist streak. While teaching Japanese grammar and the culture of the Japanese islands, she also railed against them as a narrow-minded, petty nation—and compared to our great Chinese people, downright perverted in some ways. This seemed to resonate with Xiang Lei, who often listened with rapt attention. He Fei, sitting beside him, suddenly felt like an unnecessary presence.

Around that time, the Luo Gang incident¹In 2003, Hunan radio host Luo Gang aired a call from a man claiming to be Japanese, who proceeded to insult China. Luo Gang’s fiery on-air rebuttal went viral, sparking nationalist outrage. The incident led to Luo’s dismissal and became a flashpoint in Sino-Japanese tensions. happened. Xiang Lei posted an essay on the campus BBS about the narrow-mindedness of the Japanese people. The thread exploded with replies—some shouting “Down with Japanese militarism!”, others calling to “Boycott Japanese goods!” The long-simmering anti-Japanese sentiment on the BBS flared up once again.

The super mod organized a gathering. He Fei hadn’t planned to go, but when he saw Xiang Lei attending, Liu Chong egged him on, and he tagged along for the spectacle. The event felt more like a small-scale illegal assembly. Seeing banners like “Boycott Japanese Products!” and “Strongly Protest NATO’s (Led by the U.S.) Blatant Interference in Iraq’s Internal Affairs!”, He Fei nearly laughed out loud. But with everyone around him wearing solemn expressions, he didn’t want to stand out as the dissenter.

The gathering kicked off with a recording of radio host Luo Gang cursing out the “Japanese devils.” Before the audio even finished, the crowd was already hurling insults. Watching Xiang Lei and Shi Zhuo passionately debate something, even Liu Chong beside him got swept up, vowing to go home and smash his Sony CD player. He Fei began to wonder if he was too apathetic. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t muster any anger. At most, he decided he’d avoid buying Japanese products in the future.

After the gathering, it was still early. He Fei asked Xiang Lei where he was headed.

“Home,” Xiang Lei said.

“Mind if I come take a look?” He Fei asked.

Xiang Lei hesitated for a split second before replying flatly, “Sure.”

He Fei preferred to believe that Xiang Lei was still in his nationalist fervor and hadn’t quite snapped out of it—rather than the indifference his expression suggested.

129

The room only had a few low stools. Xiang Lei gestured to the double bed for He Fei to sit. He Fei glanced at it, curled his lip slightly, and instead wandered around the space.

“Not planning to move back to the dorm?” He Fei asked.

“I’ll wait another two or three months,” Xiang Lei replied.

“Wait for what?”

Xiang Lei gave a faint, bitter smile but didn’t answer.

He Fei pressed further. “Still… not better?”

Xiang Lei turned his face away. “I don’t know yet. That’s why I’m waiting.”

Realizing he’d overstepped, He Fei stood by Xiang Lei’s desk and started flipping through his DVDs.

He picked out “Fleeing by Night” and handed it to Xiang Lei, who took it with a flicker of panic in his eyes. Still, he turned on the TV and DVD player and inserted the disc.

He Fei perched on the edge of the desk, hands braced against the surface.

Xiang Lei sat on the bed, his body angled slightly away. From He Fei’s vantage point, he could only see Xiang Lei’s ear, jawline, and the back of his head—none of his expressions.

They barely exchanged a word, each silently guarding their own little space as they watched the movie.

The DVD cover showed Huang Lei holding Rene Liu’s hand as they ran through a forest. The brief synopsis made no mention of any gay themes. But as the film progressed, He Fei grew increasingly uneasy. When Lin Chong grabbed Shao Dong’s hand, He Fei felt a twinge of discomfort. He stole a glance at Xiang Lei—the guy was stiff as a statue.

Several times, He Fei considered making an excuse to leave. When the scene of two entangled bodies appeared, the words were almost out of his mouth. But he didn’t want to be the one to break the silence.

At first, he’d thought Ying’er was the more pitiable character.

When Shao Dong heard a familiar opera melody and rushed into a shop, only to find it was just the owner playing an old record, He Fei felt he understood the loss Huang Lei’s character projected on screen.

Shao Dong returned home despondent, pouring himself alcohol while sobbing silently, tears streaming down his face. Seeing that contorted expression, He Fei’s chest ached in sympathy.

As soon as the movie ended, He Fei said, “It’s late. I should head back.”

Xiang Lei didn’t seem inclined to see him out. But just as He Fei reached the door, Xiang Lei suddenly spoke from behind him:

“Xu Menghu… why don’t you stay the night?”

He Fei turned around, an incredulous smile spreading across his face. Without thinking, he pointed at the double bed and said, “Sleep here?”

That look of disbelief must have cut deep. He Fei saw Xiang Lei’s face flush crimson in an instant, leaving him speechless.

He Fei immediately regretted his cruelty.

To Xiang Lei, it must have sounded like He Fei was saying, “This bed of yours is too filthy!”

“Or…” He Fei smirked, deliberately playful, “we could go to Zixuan?”

Zixuan—the hotel directly across from the university’s east gate, a well-known haven for student couples.

Now it was Xiang Lei’s turn to look stunned. He gaped at He Fei, still silent.

Noticing Xiang Lei’s new haircut and the faint stubble above his lip, He Fei added, “Xiang Lei, can you not grow that mustache? I’ll buy you a decent razor one of these days.”

“I have one,” Xiang Lei muttered.

The mix of embarrassment and disappointment on Xiang Lei’s face made He Fei chuckle despite himself.

“Alright. I’m off, then,” He Fei said, opening the door and stepping out.

Even after rounding the corner of the apartment building, He Fei kept replaying that vivid expression in his mind. Like a little kid. A mischievous satisfaction bubbled up inside him, and before he knew it, he was smiling again.

130

Before his second time auditing Xiang Lei’s Japanese class, He Fei spent hours practicing the lesson’s passages. Sure enough, the teacher called on him again.

“Lesson Three, second paragraph,” she said.

“Huh?” He Fei was dumbfounded. “Teacher, I prepared the first paragraph…”

“Oh-ho! So you’re just here to go through the motions? Should I kick you out?” She wore the same mock-stern expression.

“Teacher, I swear I practiced all afternoon! I just got here late and haven’t caught up yet.”

The teacher relented, letting him read the first paragraph before concluding, “That’s Beijing-accented Japanese. Never heard of adding erhua²A phonological feature of some Mandarin Chinese dialects where a retroflex suffix “r” is added to the end of a syllable.” to Japanese. Study harder—next time I hear ‘Beijing Japanese,’ you’re out!”

Beside him, Xiang Lei stifled laughter and muttered, “I’m embarrassed for you. Maybe you shouldn’t come next time.”

131

He Fei’s cousin noticed him playing an online game and asked, “Why aren’t you busy chatting anymore?”

“Got found out by that guy,” He Fei replied casually, eyes glued to the screen.

“What? So… did he say anything about it?” his cousin pressed.

“He’s in love with me,” He Fei answered distractedly.

“Damn! So are you planning to… y’know, do stuff with him?”

“Haven’t decided. Not sure if I can,” He Fei said with a laugh.

Compared to his earlier state of restless dissatisfaction, He Fei now felt much lighter. People always fixate on things that are just out of reach—ironically, after Xu Menghu’s exposure, the situation seemed to improve.

Still, He Fei remained convinced that if Xiang Lei ever found a boyfriend, their former camaraderie would become worthless.

He Fei had no intention of tormenting himself over his sexual orientation. Whatever happened, he felt he could accept it—as long as it happened naturally.

He believed every relationship had its own natural dynamic. Why torture himself struggling against it? He took pride in his own composure—though it wasn’t so much an achievement as an innate instinct.

132

Thanks to that instinctive composure, He Fei never feared making a fool of himself. He saved seats for Xiang Lei, ate with him in the cafeteria, and never bothered hiding the fact that he’d visited Xiang Lei’s place alone.

Perhaps because He Fei was the first to interact so openly with Xiang Lei after his coming out, even we—who normally loved embellishing the smallest gossip—found ourselves at a loss for words when faced with a relationship that left no room for exaggeration.

Even the guys from the neighboring dorm fell into an unprecedented默契—no one discussed He Fei and Xiang Lei’s relationship, neither to He Fei’s face nor behind his back.

I think there were three reasons:

First, He Fei was generally loyal and well-liked, so no one wanted to gossip about him.

Second, he had a temper, and nobody wanted to cross him.

Third—and most importantly—He Fei had a girlfriend. They appeared together regularly, making it easier to believe that whatever existed between He Fei and Xiang Lei was simply a once-fractured brotherhood, now repaired.

• 1
  In 2003, Hunan radio host Luo Gang aired a call from a man claiming to be Japanese, who proceeded to insult China. Luo Gang’s fiery on-air rebuttal went viral, sparking nationalist outrage. The incident led to Luo’s dismissal and became a flashpoint in Sino-Japanese tensions.
• 2
  A phonological feature of some Mandarin Chinese dialects where a retroflex suffix “r” is added to the end of a syllable.”