Chapter 31 – Hesitation and Stagnation

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At the start of the junior year, when the report cards came out, the dorm brothers all started cursing.

Everyone except Xiang Lei had failed at least one subject. Zhou Yunzhi had gone crazy playing video games, and only when he saw four red marks on his transcript did he snap out of it. He Fei and Liu Chong each failed two subjects, while Wu Liang and Zheng Dongming both fell victim to the linear algebra professor. That linear algebra teacher was truly ruthless—nearly half the department had failed.

Liu Chong clamored to go out for drinks, but after asking around, only He Fei agreed to join him. As they were about to leave, He Fei dragged me along. I protested, “I still have to spend time with my girl,” to which He Fei retorted, “Don’t be such a damn simp!”

At the small restaurant, the conversation turned to the CET-4 and CET-6 exams before summer break. The department’s results were abysmal—less than a quarter had passed, most of whom were girls.

Two years had passed in a daze. In the first three semesters, few people failed, and professors would often round up grades for those just a few points short. But this semester, for some reason, they had all become merciless. The brothers finally realized that university wasn’t as easy as they’d thought.

“Wonder if Xiang Lei passed the CET-6?” He Fei put down his glass and asked Liu Chong.

“Fat chance! One day, he was napping alone in the dorm. We came back after playing soccer, and the guy had just woken up, saying he forgot to change his phone alarm!” Liu Chong laughed.

He Fei wasn’t surprised—he even chuckled. “Damn, that guy can sleep!”

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169

During summer break, He Fei only called Xiang Lei once.

He Fei invited Xiang Lei to grab a meal sometime, but Xiang Lei put it off until after the semester started. Once school resumed, He Fei never actually followed through with that meal.

Many things about Xiang Lei, He Fei only learned through casual remarks from the dorm brothers. And when facing Xiang Lei, He Fei increasingly felt that he might accidentally overstep.

He Fei attended the first Japanese class, though he wasn’t sure why. Afraid Xiang Lei might see him, he slipped in through the back door just before class started and sat in the far corner of the last row. Realizing how conspicuous an empty desk looked, he tapped the shoulder of the student in front of him and borrowed a sheet of paper and a pen.

The large classroom had only about twenty students, making He Fei’s position all the more obvious. The Japanese teacher gave him a surprised look as soon as she entered.

He Fei awkwardly smiled back, and then the teacher said, “Why are you all sitting so far away? Afraid of wasting this big classroom? Or trying to test my vocal cords? Gather up! He Fei! You don’t even have a textbook, yet you’re hiding in the corner. Come sit over here.”

He Fei looked up—the teacher was pointing at the seat next to Xiang Lei.

Not knowing whether to feel happy or embarrassed, He Fei returned the borrowed paper and pen, scratched his head, and sat down beside Xiang Lei. Before he even settled in, Xiang Lei had already slid his textbook to the space between their seats.

By the end of class, He Fei had neither paid attention to Xiang Lei nor absorbed the lesson. He had no idea what he’d been thinking about or how he’d made it to the bell.

He Fei asked Xiang Lei if he wanted to grab a bite to eat, but Xiang Lei forced a smile and said he had something else to do before quickly leaving.

He Fei was now certain that Xiang Lei no longer resented him, but upon reflection, he didn’t find much comfort in that. It felt like once the resentment was gone, nothing else remained.

He Fei also realized that since that rainy night, his inner world had mirrored what others described as the emotions of being in love. He wondered if this was what being gay felt like—maybe he’d been born with this potential all along and just realized it later than others.

How likely was it that they could go back to being the kind of brothers they were during the SARS lockdown?

But the idea of “confessing feelings to a brother” still struck He Fei as absurd. He remembered once asking Xiang Lei: If you’re not gay, can you not have that kind of brotherhood? And once brothers cross that line, is it no longer just brotherhood?

And what about bisexuality—was it really a third category beyond homosexuality and heterosexuality? If, as he’d once boasted to Xiang Lei, his “love was directed at brothers, but desire was for women,” did that make him bisexual? He Fei had no clue whether the “love” in these definitions referred to emotional affection, physical desire, or both.

Was this fractured version of himself what people had always called “perverted”?

The old He Fei had never been tangled up in such dilemmas. He figured it was because back then, he rarely engaged in serious reflection.

A text from Zhang Wenwen came in. Before even reading it, He Fei realized his thoughts were already stretched thin.

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170

Xiang Lei unsurprisingly won the first-class scholarship again—and just as unsurprisingly, he was excluded from the “Three-Good Student” award and other special scholarships. This time, his name wasn’t even listed on the blackboard because of the disciplinary record he’d earned for participating in a fight, disqualifying him entirely.

He Fei felt somewhat responsible for this outcome, though he quickly dismissed the thought. He figured Xiang Lei had never cared about these things anyway—as if he’d never needed them or even hoped for them.

For the National Day holiday, Xiang Lei had another trip planned. If He Fei hadn’t seen him and Wei Tong hailing a taxi to the station with backpacks at the school gate, he would’ve suspected Xiang Lei was meeting another online friend.

After the holiday, He Fei heard they’d gone to Dalian. Xiang Lei told Liu Chong, who then whispered to He Fei that they’d gone to see Wei Tong’s boyfriend.

Wei Tong’s boyfriend? He Fei suddenly had a strange urge to see what kind of guy that was.

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171

The intercollegiate basketball game was postponed until the second week after the National Day holiday—a completely informal friendly match.

The coaches from both schools probably knew each other. One day, they got competitive, and one immediately issued a challenge while the other agreed on a time and borrowed a venue. The basketball association, which usually had little activity, seized the chance to promote itself as a co-organizer, using its resources to hype up the event.

The game was held in the school’s newly built indoor basketball gym. The venue wasn’t large, so it was packed that day.

Before the game, He Fei happened to see the pair of blue wristbands Xiang Lei had given him for his birthday. On a whim, he put both on, but they looked odd, so he took off the left one. He practiced a few dribbling and shooting motions with his right hand, watching the remaining wristband, and finally felt it looked better.

Would Xiang Lei come to watch the game? He’s never really seen me play before. He Fei didn’t have many talents to show off. Last time, when he’d belted out a rock song, Xiang Lei hadn’t even noticed his skills.

A senior on the basketball team asked He Fei what was going on with him and that Jilin guy. It took He Fei a while to realize he was talking about Liao Peng from Room 202. Since the guy had already told his hometown friend about the fight, he probably hadn’t hidden the reason either. He Fei just smiled and said, “Nothing major, just a misunderstanding with my brother.” The senior didn’t press further, patted He Fei’s shoulder, said “Good luck,” and started warming up.

The girls, of course, wouldn’t miss a basketball game full of handsome guys. Almost all the girls from the engineering department showed up. Li Minli shouted, “He Fei, go for it!” He Fei smiled at them, then scanned the crowd.

He spotted Zhang Wenwen first, waving at him while holding Yang Lin’s arm. Yang Lin was with Shi Zhuo, who was next to Xiang Lei—and beside Xiang Lei stood Wei Tong, beaming.

He Fei couldn’t suppress a sudden surge of joy.

What followed was somewhat cliché: fierce competition on the court, alternating gasps and cheers from the stands. He Fei and his teammates dominated from start to finish. The game wasn’t particularly thrilling, so most of the applause came from the girls, while the guys looked bored.

He Fei never missed a chance to show off—quick rebounds under the basket, smooth fake-outs, occasional dunks, full-court drives, and three-pointers with a decent hit rate. It felt almost like a movie where the lead actor hams it up.

Near the end, as He Fei leaped for a dunk, someone bumped into him. The ball slipped from his hands and hit the floor. Instead of trying to recover, He Fei stood still for a moment, a pained expression on his face, his outstretched arm frozen in the air.

The referee blew the whistle. Teammates asked if he was okay, and only then did He Fei lower his arm to rub his stomach. The referee called for free throws, but He Fei missed both.

By the time the game ended, Xiang Lei was gone. Wei Tong was still there, sitting with an empty seat between him and Shi Zhuo.

As they walked over, Wei Tong smiled at He Fei from afar before turning to leave. Zhang Wenwen grabbed He Fei’s arm and asked if he was hurt. He Fei waved her off. “You guys go ahead. Let’s have dinner together later.”

He Fei pushed through the crowd to catch up with Wei Tong and called out to him.

Wei Tong smiled. “You okay?”

“I’m fine. Can you wait for me for a few minutes? I’ll treat you to coffee,” He Fei said.

Wei Tong thought for a moment, then nodded.

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They went to the Hong Kong-style fast-food restaurant across from the school gate.

Hardly anyone went there just for coffee, so the server asked He Fei several times, “Just two coffees?” He Fei, annoyed, answered with five firm “yeses.”

He Fei glanced at Wei Tong across the table—he clearly looked uncomfortable.

Since that last night in the quarantine ward, they hadn’t met alone. Thinking about it now, He Fei felt a little awkward too.

“When did Xiang Lei leave?” He Fei asked as he lit a cigarette.

“Hmm… It was almost over when he left. He got a call—seemed like someone invited him to eat. He said since the game’s outcome was already decided, he left first,” Wei Tong said.

“He didn’t ask you to come along… Must’ve been a one-on-one date… He didn’t go back to Peking University, did he?” The thought made He Fei inexplicably irritable.

“If it was a gathering with his hometown friends, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to tag along,” Wei Tong replied. “Xiang Lei has quite a few friends from his hometown who came to Beijing for school…”

He Fei chuckled. “Yeah, plenty. Who knows—maybe one day, you’ll become his ‘hometown friend’ too.”

Wei Tong glanced at He Fei but didn’t respond.

A long silence followed.

When the coffee arrived, He Fei asked, “Did he ever mention the… tension between us?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

“Actually…” Wei Tong hesitated, struggling to phrase it. “I don’t know what you think, but Xiang Lei always insists you’re not… like that. So why do you keep misunderstanding him? That day he got sick, he did go to Peking University—someone named Wen invited him to dinner. After eating, they walked around campus for a bit before parting ways. At the bus stop, he ran into a classmate who wouldn’t let him leave… He said you refused to believe him no matter what, and he didn’t know how to convince you. He also said it didn’t really matter whether you believed him or not… Sometimes I don’t get how his mind works.”

“Did he tell you what I said to him that day?”

“Yeah. He said he really wanted to fight you…” Wei Tong smiled faintly. “He said if he’d known it’d turn out like that, why bother coming back at all? You two… it’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“What you say, do, and think don’t match up. I’ve heard of split personalities, but never triple ones… Wait, no, not personalities—what’s the word…” Wei Tong pressed a hand to his forehead, searching for the right term.

He Fei burst out laughing.

“By the way, that night… why did you push me away?” Still grinning, He Fei couldn’t resist teasing.

Wei Tong’s face flushed instantly. He lowered his head without answering.

“Hmm?” He Fei leaned forward, resting his chin on the table, pressing further.

Still no response.

“Because you have a boyfriend now, right?” He Fei smirked.

Wei Tong’s head snapped up in surprise. “How did you know?”

“I have my sources!” He Fei said.

“Were you dreaming that night?” Wei Tong deflected.

“No.”

“Xiang Lei always insists you’re not, but I’ve had my doubts!”

“Haha!” He Fei laughed, tilting his head back.

“Because… you called out his name.”

He Fei’s laughter died immediately. He distinctly remembered being fully awake that night—no dreams involved. Firmly, he said, “Impossible.”

“See? If you don’t believe something, no one can convince you. But I heard it, even if it wasn’t clear.”

He Fei wondered—had he really murmured Xiang Lei’s name while holding Wei Tong, right before snapping awake? Was it worry? Guilt? Or some subconscious longing?

His inner world was more tangled than he’d realized.

“Are you scared?” Wei Tong suddenly asked.

It took He Fei a moment to grasp his meaning.

“Of course not. Maybe I really am like that. It’s not fear—I just want to understand.” He Fei laughed again.

“If you weren’t scared, that’d be weird. Everyone like us goes through that fear.”

“Nothing about this scares me. Believe it or not.”

“This thing… it’s like quicksand. Once you’re in, there’s no way out. People stuck inside would rather stare out than drag others in. They’d rather watch someone walk away than pull them into the mire. Lots of us feel that way—we’ll struggle and resign ourselves, but we won’t ruin someone else.”

Listening to Wei Tong, He Fei felt an odd sense of solemnity.

“Too heavy. Let’s gossip about your boyfriend instead. How’d you meet? How long’s it been? Why’s he in Dalian? Must be hard to see each other.”

“You even know he’s in Dalian?” Wei Tong looked startled again.

“That’s all I know. Spill it!”

“His company’s based in Beijing, but he got temporarily assigned to a new project in Dalian. We met at a bar. I stayed a few extra days after summer break started and went out—that’s how we met.” Wei Tong’s face glowed with happiness.

So during the quarantine, Wei Tong hadn’t had a boyfriend yet. He Fei almost blurted that out but stopped himself.

“How old is he? Already working?”

“Yeah. He’s 26. Married…” A shadow crossed Wei Tong’s expression.

“What?” He Fei’s jaw dropped—not because Wei Tong was with a married man, but because a gay man would marry at all. “To a woman?”

“What do you think?”

“But he’s…”

“In our country, how many people can stay single without a care? Over 80% of gay men end up marrying women. No one can live just for themselves…”

“What about you? Will you marry someday?” He Fei studied Wei Tong, unable to picture him with a wife and kids. Hell, he couldn’t even imagine him dating a girl.

“Me? No. It’d be unfair—to myself and to her. Everyone only gets one life; no room for mistakes. I’ll find another way, even if I haven’t figured it out yet.”

It dawned on He Fei that flamboyant guys like Wei Tong were a minority even within the gay community. If Xiang Lei married, no one who didn’t know his orientation would bat an eye.

“He can… with women?”

“Yeah. He’ll be a dad in a few months.”

This world was more complicated than He Fei had realized.

“Oh, I thought about it and decided I should tell you…” Wei Tong met He Fei’s gaze, as if bracing him for something.

“What is it?”

“The bar… Xiang Lei went with me that night. Someone took a liking to him.”

Instantly, He Fei’s mood soured.

“I dragged him along. I wanted to go but didn’t want to go alone… I’m telling you this because I think you should know. It might help you figure things out between you two.”

He Fei thought Wei Tong’s words sounded like cryptic movie dialogue.

“But…” Wei Tong added, “That guy already has a boyfriend—though they’re on-and-off, messy. I don’t think Xiang Lei’s that into him. Maybe he just listens to his problems as a friend. The guy’s asked Xiang Lei out a few times. Xiang Lei doesn’t know how to refuse but feels awkward alone with him, so he always drags me along…”

He Fei’s phone rang—Zhang Wenwen calling.

“Where are you? What are you doing?”

“Eating,” He Fei replied offhandedly.

“What’s going on? Weren’t we supposed to eat together? We’re waiting for you at the fourth canteen!”

“Go ahead without me. I’m not coming.”

“How can you do this?” Zhang Wenwen sounded upset.

“Do what? It’s just one meal! I’m already eating!” He Fei grew impatient.

Zhang Wenwen hung up without another word—the first time she’d ever ended a call like that.

A server approached with menus. “Would you like to order food?”

Wei Tong, watching He Fei’s agitation, started to suggest leaving, but He Fei snatched a menu, randomly picked a set meal, and shoved it toward Wei Tong.

“Maybe… we should eat back at school?” Wei Tong ventured.

“It’s fine. Order,” He Fei said, forcing calm.

After Wei Tong ordered, he asked cautiously, “You’re not going to pick another fight with Xiang Lei, are you?”

“Of course not. I’ve got less and less right to…”

Only He Fei knew that beneath his irritation lurked something deeper—unease.