Chapter 45 – The Missed Redemption

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A year later, He Fei and Xiang Lei, Wei Tong and Zhang Haiqiang—the four of them gathered around a dining table once again.

Zhang Haiqiang kept refilling Wei Tong’s tea, picking dishes for him, and even staring at Wei Tong unabashedly. Wei Tong, however, remained silent, keeping his head down as he ate.

Xiang Lei knew that the intervals between Zhang Haiqiang’s visits to see Wei Tong were growing longer. But Xiang Lei didn’t know whether it was because Zhang Haiqiang didn’t want to disturb Wei Tong’s peace while he was preparing for the Judicial Examination, or if it was simply because, after having a child, he was completely tied up.

After the meal, Zhang Haiqiang didn’t stay. Wei Tong invited He Fei and Xiang Lei back to his place.

Wei Tong said he wanted to move back to school because the meaning of this apartment had become increasingly insignificant. Moreover, living off-campus meant he often missed timely updates about the Judicial Examination.

Xiang Lei urged Wei Tong to consider things from Zhang Haiqiang’s perspective, saying that Zhang Haiqiang might have no choice in the matter.

At that moment, Wei Tong suddenly asked Xiang Lei, “Should I leave him?”

Xiang Lei quickly said many good things on Zhang Haiqiang’s behalf, but Wei Tong shook his head. “I’m not upset that he doesn’t come to see me. Can’t you tell? He’s exhausted! He’s just too exhausted…”

For a moment, Xiang Lei didn’t know what to say.

“His wife and child need him more than I do. I feel uneasy taking up even a fraction of his attention like this,” Wei Tong added.

He Fei abruptly cut in, “Do you really think that if the two of you break up, he’ll suddenly focus entirely on his family and never look for someone else again?”

Xiang Lei was startled by He Fei’s words, and a chill ran through him.

Xiang Lei felt that He Fei shouldn’t have said something like that—because the implication was all too clear. Those words undoubtedly revealed what was on He Fei’s own mind. But why would He Fei think that way?

Xiang Lei stared blankly at He Fei, nearly blurting out, “Would you?”

He Fei met Xiang Lei’s hesitant gaze with a challenging smirk in his eyes.

What an unfamiliar face. So unfamiliar that it instantly unsettled Xiang Lei. This wasn’t the face of the Xu Menghu who had once stubbornly insisted on being his sworn brother. Nor was it the face of the He Fei who had cried for him, insisted on being his boyfriend, and impulsively made all sorts of promises.

Brothers? What kind of brothers come and go? Even if Xiang Lei and Pei Yong didn’t see each other for ten years, they would still consider each other brothers in their hearts. But He Fei had long ceased to be his brother. The relationship they had now was one that could, at any suitable time and place, be replaced with another suitable one-on-one arrangement. In other words, if Xiang Lei left, someone else would surely take his place.

Love? If it had truly surpassed even the bond of brotherhood, then it was likely already becoming a thing of the past—or perhaps it had quietly slipped away without notice. What remained was probably just danger.

Comparing past and present, it was as if something had become unreal. But Xiang Lei knew that nothing was unreal. The illusion came from things being out of place—like superimposing this face before him onto distant memories, or projecting past feelings onto the person standing before him now.

Xiang Lei had once read a book in the library, and a particular passage had stuck with him ever since. It said: People’s relentless pursuit of “eternal love” is precisely what proves its illusory nature. Their fervent praise of “unwavering loyalty” only underscores how difficult it is to achieve. These are not things that can be effortlessly attained by human instinct—they require the suppression and sacrifice of certain innate desires to be realized…

Should those who lack the strength to suppress and sacrifice these instincts simply give up on the idea of forever?

Either cling to the crumbs of love’s bread after it’s been devoured, persisting half-heartedly in a passionless routine, or surrender to innate instincts and continue chasing new possibilities in the name of love.

Would you? Would you?

Xiang Lei desperately wanted to ask this outright—to get an answer in advance, if only to prepare himself, even if just halfway.

“Forget it. I’ll just break up with him. For my own sake—to focus on my exams, or to ease my conscience, or so that someday I can find someone who’ll give me their undivided attention,” Wei Tong sighed.

“Just think it through before you decide,” Xiang Lei said weakly, unable to offer any more comfort.

“I still don’t get it—if he doesn’t like women, why did he marry one and have a kid?” He Fei suddenly added. “Forget about whether it’s fair to the woman. How is it fair to himself?”

“Would you?” Xiang Lei finally couldn’t hold back and asked He Fei.

“Marry a woman?” He Fei said expressionlessly. “If the two of us can keep going like this, why the fuck would I need to marry anyone? And if I ever completely lose interest in women, whether we’re still together or not, I’d never tie myself down with one!”

“Everyone’s circumstances are different. A lot of people don’t have a choice…” Wei Tong said gloomily.

“Then you should stop getting involved with married men in the future,” He Fei retorted before walking straight to the balcony. Leaning against the balcony door, he leisurely lit a cigarette.

Xiang Lei watched He Fei’s carefree demeanor and suddenly felt a pang of loss.

This inexplicable feeling, in an instant, inexplicably rewrote all the similar scenes that had come before. Once, seeing He Fei so relaxed would have filled him with quiet pride. Now, watching He Fei’s ease from a distance, Xiang Lei could only silently admire it—and even feel an unbalanced envy.

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257

Dongzi would call at unpredictable times—early morning, noon, evening, late at night—anytime was possible. He Fei realized he had brought a huge headache upon himself.

When Xiang Lei was around, He Fei simply muted his phone.

He Fei repeatedly told Dongzi not to call so casually, but Dongzi would always ask, Why be so cautious? What are you afraid of? At that age, willfulness still came naturally, and Dongzi’s calls became more frequent, as if to prove a point. It wasn’t until He Fei finally lost his temper—Goddammit! If you keep messing around like this, Laozi is changing his number!—that the kid finally settled down, limiting himself to one call a day, just before noon, to wake He Fei up.

Dongzi told He Fei, “It’s over. I think I’ve fallen for you.”

He Fei burst out laughing. “You little brat! Didn’t you say I disappointed you after watching the video?”

Dongzi argued back with He Fei’s own words: “A man shouldn’t rely on his looks to get by!”

Once He Fei had laughed his fill, he said seriously, “Don’t. I’m with someone.”

Dongzi: “Huh? You never mentioned that! Are you messing with me?”

He Fei: “You never asked. If you don’t ask, why should I bring it up?”

Dongzi was momentarily speechless. He had asked everything else—except this one crucial detail.

Like a child throwing a tantrum, Dongzi persisted: “Then let’s have an affair!”

He Fei chuckled. “No way.”

Dongzi: “Do you love him that much?”

He Fei: “Yeah. Without him, I wouldn’t have realized I was gay too…”

For the first time, He Fei told someone else about him and Xiang Lei—from the beginning until now, sparing almost no detail he could remember. Dongzi listened intently, barely interrupting except for the occasional hum or murmur of agreement.

Dongzi said he had pressed the phone tightly to his ear the whole time, and now his ear hurt. He Fei said his phone was burning up too. When He Fei said goodbye and was about to hang up, Dongzi suddenly added, “Damn it. Now I like you even more than before I called.”

He Fei suddenly thought that maybe Xiang Lei, back in his freshman year, had been like Dongzi—easily falling for someone he’d never met, then falling harder, then harder still. Back then, He Fei had thought Xiang Lei was a lovestruck fool with no principles. But now, looking back, maybe what Xiang Lei had called “love” was just a fleeting infatuation.

Without a foundation for a real relationship, that kind of “love” was probably just a passing mood—a momentary heartbeat over some fantasy. Trying to turn it into reality usually ended badly, and after it ended badly, people often refused to accept it. Refusing to accept it meant trying again and again, and after enough attempts, they just looked like fools.

Xiang Lei had once said that if even one of those attempts had worked out, he wouldn’t have gone through everything that happened afterward.

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258

As winter break approached, Xiang Lei got an interview opportunity with a Japanese company. The nationwide recruitment process was centralized in Wuhan.

Despite He Fei’s warning that working for a Japanese company required serious thought—because the Japanese were known for treating women like men and men like beasts of burden—Xiang Lei decided to go for the interview, if only for the free trip to Wuhan. He had hoped He Fei could come along, but unfortunately, He Fei had an important interview scheduled for the same day.

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Dongzi stopped acting spoiled, and occasionally even showed concern for He Fei over the phone, which left He Fei both touched and a little embarrassed.

When He Fei casually mentioned Xiang Lei’s cooking skills, he sounded a bit wistful. Dongzi proudly declared that he had been cooking since middle school and was confident He Fei would love his dishes. He Fei offhandedly said, “If you get the chance, come cook me a proper meal sometime.” Dongzi immediately agreed—”Deal!”

After that, Dongzi kept asking when He Fei would invite him over. He Fei kept putting it off, and Dongzi accused him of going back on his word. He Fei started to feel conflicted. He really did want to meet this adorable little brother, but he wasn’t at all sure he could prevent things from going where they shouldn’t.

When He Fei accidentally mentioned Xiang Lei’s trip to Wuhan for the interview, Dongzi started acting up again. He said he really, really wanted to see He Fei, really, really wanted to cook him a proper dinner, really, really wanted He Fei to hold him while he slept. He promised he wouldn’t try to tempt He Fei into betraying Xiang Lei. He was practically begging.

He Fei was in turmoil. He told Dongzi he needed to hang up and think things over.

Before dinner, Dongzi called several more times. Each time, He Fei brushed him off, saying he still hadn’t made up his mind. Dongzi asked plaintively, “Don’t you even want to hold me? Just hold me, just talk and sleep, nothing more.” But when He Fei heard this, his body reacted intensely.

Annoyed, He Fei thought, How the hell could it just be holding and sleeping? This is bound to go wrong!

Dongzi said his dormitory doors closed at 10 p.m., and after that, he wouldn’t be able to leave.

At a little past nine, Dongzi called again. He Fei hesitated for a long time but didn’t answer.

Let him come! Trying something new with a pretty kid besides Xiang Lei—that wouldn’t be some huge betrayal, would it? Compared to Xiang Lei, I’ve barely experienced anything at all.

This thought surged through He Fei’s chest like crashing waves.

The phone rang again, the screen flashing Dongzi.

He Fei felt like he was on fire, the heat growing unbearable. Unable to resist, he closed his eyes, stripped off his lower clothes, and as images of Xiang Lei and Dongzi flickered in his mind, his hands moved on their own.

Turns out, it was just lust messing with him.

Imagining this desire vanishing like it just had, only to find himself lying next to some unfamiliar boy—He Fei knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself in that scenario.

At 9:50 p.m., He Fei answered Dongzi’s call and said he was too tired—they’d have to meet another time. Dongzi sighed in disappointment, then hung up, hurt.

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260

During the interview in Wuhan, Xiang Lei learned that if hired, he’d have to train in Japan for six months before returning to work in China.

Suddenly, Xiang Lei was terrified of being selected. In the final round, facing the Japanese interviewer, he deliberately acted like an anti-Japanese hardliner, steering every answer toward discussions of national relations, leaving the interviewer so awkward he struggled to ask the next question.

Out of 150 interview slots, only 80 candidates showed up in Wuhan. In the end, 75 were hired—and Xiang Lei was lucky enough to be among the five rejects.

He spent a day wandering Wuhan’s streets, feeling no regret. On reflection, it was just a little trip with free travel expenses.

Proudly, Xiang Lei described the Japanese interviewer’s flustered expression to He Fei. But He Fei didn’t laugh. Instead, he asked, “You really didn’t want to go to Japan?”

Xiang Lei replied breezily, “Going to Japan for fun would be fine, but this would’ve been selling myself to them. Didn’t you say the Japanese treat men like beasts? I was scared.”

Then Xiang Lei regretted telling He Fei at all. He feared He Fei might misinterpret it as some selfless sacrifice—but even if it were, why let him know and add to his pressure?

In truth, doing something for yourself could hardly be called a sacrifice.

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261

Hearing Xiang Lei talk about giving up the job in Japan left He Fei inexplicably irritable. He didn’t want to see Xiang Lei making sacrifices for him—it made him think of the previous night’s impulse to betray him. Even though he’d resisted in the end, He Fei still couldn’t stop quietly blaming himself.

Might as well have gone through with it. Either way, I’d feel this guilty! He Fei fumed.

If he’d actually done it, at least all the pent-up frustration of the past days would’ve had an outlet. Of course, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to confess and seek leniency like last time. Feeling sorry, wanting to make up for it emotionally, and instinctively trying to please would’ve been enough.

Maybe what they needed was exactly that kind of reckoning.

Instead, now, resisting the urge to betray him somehow felt like another kind of sacrifice.

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262

Because of job hunting, Xiang Lei didn’t make it home for New Year’s Eve until the very last minute.

At the ticket check, Xiang Lei reached for his bag, but He Fei hesitated before handing it over. After a pause, He Fei suddenly said, “Maybe I should come home with you for New Year’s?” Before Xiang Lei could blurt out his agreement, He Fei handed over the bag and added, “Never mind. It’ll be too crowded.”

If He Fei hadn’t mentioned it, Xiang Lei would’ve been fine. But bringing it up only to dismiss it so quickly made the journey feel unbearably lonely. The whole way, Xiang Lei imagined He Fei sitting beside him—imagined that the place where he’d grown up for over twenty years might finally share a memory with the person he loved.

This was just like the dream He Fei had given him. Better not to have it at all—because once it existed, Xiang Lei had no choice but to bear its uncertain fate.

On New Year’s Eve, just after midnight, He Fei called.

For the first time, He Fei asked, “Did you miss me?”

Xiang Lei answered honestly, “Yes.”

Unlike other couples, He Fei didn’t ask how or where or how much—just gave a faint “mm.”

Xiang Lei said, “Happy New Year!”

He Fei replied, “You too. Tell Mom and Dad your partner says hello.”

Xiang Lei laughed. “Then don’t forget to say the same to your parents.”

He Fei said, “Don’t worry, I already did at dinner.”

After hanging up, Xiang Lei felt the same exhilaration as the first time he’d kissed He Fei.

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263

Xiang Lei realized this Spring Festival felt different.

His hometown friends had drifted apart. If they ran into each other, they were still as close as siblings, but no one went out of their way to arrange reunions like before. They’d started acting like proper adults, busy with their own lives. A few had even married early and were already making plans for their children.

Pei Yong had a new girlfriend, and Xiang Lei couldn’t find a chance to sit down with him alone for drinks and conversation. The things Xiang Lei said to Pei Yong in front of the girl were so unexpectedly worldly, even he was surprised.

Whenever Xiang Lei thought about how it was time to grow up, a flicker of panic set in. He couldn’t even pinpoint the reason—just felt like he hadn’t had time to prepare.

After visiting a few relatives, he had nothing to do. Staying home every day, he grew bored within two.

His father asked how the job hunt was going; his mother asked about his relationship. Xiang Lei fumbled through both answers with little confidence.

Unlike last year, He Fei didn’t pester him with calls urging him to return soon. But this Spring Festival, Xiang Lei couldn’t stand staying home. On the sixth day of the new year, he bought a bus ticket back to Beijing.

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The last semester had only three courses related to graduation projects, all completed in a month. Xiang Lei juggled job hunting, preparing his graduation project, and occasionally teaching classes at Yucai Elementary.

The best job opportunities seemed to have been snapped up before the new year. Afterward, Xiang Lei got plenty of interviews, but the companies had apparently conspired to offer uniformly terrible terms—no room to pick and choose.

The graduation project was a headache too. Seniors had warned him: The department’s teaching might be mediocre, but their standards for graduation projects were notoriously strict. Trying to patch together something from borrowed work wouldn’t cut it. Fail the initial review, and you wouldn’t even get a chance to defend your thesis. Some people still hadn’t gotten that chance by graduation time. Slack off, and you might fail the defense ten times over.

The worst part? Xiang Lei had to put equal effort into two different graduation projects. He Fei had made it clear long ago that ensuring his own smooth graduation was Xiang Lei’s responsibility.