Chapter 50 – Beyond the Lights

297

Spring Festival 2010, the sixth day of the lunar new year.

He Fei’s schedule for the day was packed. At noon, he went to Shunyi for a gathering with his high school buddies. In the afternoon, he planned to visit Xiang Lei’s home. In the evening, Shi Zhuo had invited everyone out for dinner and karaoke.

Xiang Lei was scheduled to leave for Shandong the evening of the seventh day. Prior to that, He Fei had asked when would be a convenient time to meet and say goodbye, so Xiang Lei arranged for the afternoon of the sixth day. Xiang Lei and Cheng Xue had just returned from Changchun the night before. On the sixth day, they visited Cheng Xue’s relatives in Beijing, agreeing to return to Tongzhou by 3:30 pm to wait for He Fei.

He Fei intended to bring some New Year gifts and also asked Xiang Lei to take some lucky money for Xiao Yuzi. Anticipating that Xiang Lei might refuse the cash, He Fei bought a remote-controlled toy car and hid the money in its trunk.

The noon gathering dragged on until 3 pm with no sign of ending. He Fei decided to leave early and was consequently penalized with several rounds of drinks. The venue was somewhat remote, and after waiting a long time without finding a taxi, He Fei borrowed a friend’s motorcycle to rush back to Tongzhou.

Xiang Lei mentioned over the phone that he too had been plied with drinks by Cheng Xue’s relatives, who were reluctant to let them leave early. Left with no choice, He Fei waited at the entrance of Xiang Lei’s residential complex. Under the influence of alcohol, he felt both cold and drowsy.

Shi Zhuo called several times to hurry him along. He Fei said he probably wouldn’t make it for dinner but would join them later for karaoke. He even suggested extending it overnight—since it was the New Year, why not go wild for once?

It wasn’t until past 6 pm that Xiang Lei finally arrived home.

Besides Xiang Lei and Cheng Xue, there was also a boy in his early twenties trailing behind. Xiang Lei introduced him as Cheng Xue’s younger brother. He Fei set down the gifts and prepared to leave immediately. Seeing that He Fei had been drinking and was riding a motorcycle, Xiang Lei insisted he stay over. Cheng Xue also earnestly suggested that He Fei could share the spare bedroom with her brother for the night. Xiang Lei immediately vetoed the idea, saying that sleeping alone on the sofa would be more comfortable than squeezing two people into one bed.

“How about you take the sofa?” Xiang Lei fixed his gaze on He Fei, his expression pleading as he sought He Fei’s opinion.

Cheng Xue must have thought it improper hospitality to make a guest sleep on the sofa and couldn’t understand why Xiang Lei would be so rude. She quickly interjected, “The spare bedroom has a double bed—it’s more than enough for two people. Why sleep on the sofa?”

He Fei waved his hand. “No need, no need. I have to return the motorcycle and head back into the city. Shi Zhuo and the others have already booked a karaoke room and have been waiting for me for two hours.”

As he spoke, He Fei was already heading toward the door, with Xiang Lei and Cheng Xue following to see him off downstairs.

“How about this—my brother can take the sofa? He Fei, you really shouldn’t ride a motorcycle after drinking,” Cheng Xue offered.

“It’s fine. The alcohol’s mostly worn off by now. I really need to get back—the guys are getting impatient!” He Fei replied, swiping the access card while turning back to Cheng Xue. “I prepared some lucky money for the little one—it’s in the toy car’s trunk. Have Xiang Lei take it back to Shandong for him. I’ve also covered the cost of the drinks you two had. I’ll come another day to collect my share.”

“Ah! How can we accept this?” Cheng Xue made as if to turn back, but He Fei kept walking, leaving her unsure whether to go or stay. She tugged at Xiang Lei beside her, hoping he would say something, but Xiang Lei remained silent.

He Fei had already mounted the motorcycle. Turning back, he smiled at Xiang Lei and Cheng Xue. “I’m heading back.”

Xiang Lei stepped forward and grabbed He Fei’s arm. “Don’t go. I’ll call Shi Zhuo later and explain. I won’t feel at ease if you leave like this.”

“Really, I’m completely sober now! Look at me walking—do I seem like I have a problem?” He Fei laughed.

“Xiang Lei, hold onto He Fei for a moment. I’ll go upstairs quickly,” Cheng Xue said, turning to leave.

He Fei called after her, “Sister-in-law, don’t bother going up. I’m leaving now.”

At the same time, Xiang Lei said, “He Fei, why don’t I come with you guys to hang out?”

Cheng Xue stopped a few meters away and slowly turned back.

Xiang Lei immediately climbed onto the motorcycle’s back seat. Seeing Cheng Xue standing there with a reproachful look, He Fei reluctantly tried to persuade Xiang Lei to go back. When Xiang Lei refused to get off, He Fei dismounted, pulled Xiang Lei off, and pushed him toward Cheng Xue.

“Go back inside!” He Fei frowned.

But Xiang Lei circled around He Fei and climbed back onto the motorcycle. Turning to He Fei, he said, “I think you drank more than me today. Let me drive instead!”

“Xiang Lei, are you still going back to Shandong tomorrow?” Cheng Xue asked from a distance.

“Of course. I have work early the day after,” Xiang Lei replied.

“And you still want to go out tonight?” Cheng Xue pressed.

“Why not? My flight isn’t until tomorrow evening. It won’t interfere,” Xiang Lei said.

Cheng Xue let out a cold, mocking laugh.

He Fei walked over and pulled Xiang Lei off the bike again. The two began tussling by the motorcycle.

“What’s your problem? Do you not want me around? From now on, when you guys hang out, I’m not invited?” Xiang Lei demanded.

He Fei shot back, “There’ll be plenty of chances later. Why insist on joining today?”

Xiang Lei retorted, “I haven’t seen Shi Zhuo in over a month!”

He Fei laughed. “You miss him that much? I’ll pass on the message for you, how about that?”

Meanwhile, Cheng Xue had already climbed onto the motorcycle’s back seat. Turning to He Fei, she called out, “He Fei, I’m coming too. Give me a ride. I’m not worried about you driving after drinking. Let’s go!”

He Fei stood there with a bitter smile, cursing inwardly: What the hell is this?

He walked over to Cheng Xue and said, “Sister-in-law, don’t worry. I won’t take him away today. Get down—I have things to do and need to hurry.”

Cheng Xue dismounted, and He Fei quickly got on the motorcycle and started the engine.

Xiang Lei moved swiftly, grabbing He Fei’s sleeve again. “Wait for me,” he said. He Fei pushed his hand away, released the clutch, and accelerated, finally breaking free.

Unable to resist, He Fei glanced at Xiang Lei in the rearview mirror. Yes, he looked disappointed.

He and his wife had started arguing about something.

In the mirror, their figures gradually receded into the distance. He Fei couldn’t hear their voices.

He Fei went to Shunyi to return the motorcycle. That night, the roads between Tongzhou and Shunyi were sparsely populated with pedestrians or vehicles. In too many isolated moments, He Fei felt completely disconnected from the world.

He pushed the throttle to its limit, gripping the handlebars until his hands ached.

Uncontrollable tears flew backward in the wind, freezing into tiny icicles in his hair.

When Cheng Xue suggested that He Fei share a bed with her brother, Xiang Lei had been so visibly tense. Remembering that scene, He Fei couldn’t help but laugh. Was he afraid that He Fei had become some kind of predator who would molest an innocent young boy at any moment? Or was he worried that his brother-in-law might tempt He Fei with his youthful body?

How would tomorrow continue? He Fei wished there was no tomorrow.

How wonderful it would be to get into an accident right now!

Drunk driving, emotional instability, speeding—he was breaking every safety rule in the book. He Fei kept thinking that in the next second, everything would end in eternal silence, this cruel life abruptly cut short, the endless despair finally over. But the bastard in charge of all this clearly hadn’t had his fill of He Fei’s misery yet. He was still generous, bestowing upon He Fei yet another tomorrow.

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298

While waiting for a taxi on a Shunyi street, He Fei received a call from Xiang Lei.

“Where are you?” Xiang Lei asked.

“Shunyi. Just returned the motorcycle. Planning to head back into the city to meet up with Shi Zhuo and the others.”

“You’re not driving, are you?” Xiang Lei pressed.

“No, waiting for a taxi.”

When He Fei found Shi Zhuo, he was surprised to see Xiang Lei there too.

“Did you two fight?” He Fei asked.

“Not really. If I hadn’t left, we probably would be fighting right now!”

“After this, will I even be welcome at your place again? Your wife must hate me by now,” He Fei said with a resigned smile.

“No, she’s not really the petty type.”

They really did stay out all night. At one point, someone even called in a few flashily dressed girls. He Fei glanced at Xiang Lei, then walked out of the private room. He wasn’t sure if Xiang Lei would understand the implication now.

Xiang Lei quickly followed him out of the private room and said from behind He Fei, “Let’s go first.”

“That’s exactly what I meant. You’re leaving tomorrow—don’t make things too tense with your wife. I’ll take you back,” He Fei replied.

The two then said their goodbyes to Shi Zhuo and the others, downed two penalty drinks, and left early.

“I knew we’d be drinking a lot today, so I didn’t drive. Let’s take a taxi back to get the car, then I’ll drive you home,” He Fei said.

“Better not drive. I just managed to calm down—I don’t want to worry again,” Xiang Lei said.

“Alright. Then we’ll just take a taxi. I won’t go with you.”

He Fei raised his hand to hail a cab, and a taxi slowed down to pull over.

At that moment, Xiang Lei suddenly said, “I… don’t want to go back.”

He Fei stood frozen in place for a long time until the taxi driver honked impatiently.

With an apologetic expression, He Fei waved the taxi away and muttered, “Sorry.”

They found a nearby hotel—a rather upscale one, it seemed. He Fei grinned at Xiang Lei like a child and said, “Let’s splurge for once.” Xiang Lei smiled back just as brightly and replied, “Okay!”

The front desk recommended a room on the top floor, mentioning it had floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of the night skyline.

They acted as bashful as teenagers.

Each sat on the edge of their respective beds, watching the mindless programs on TV, occasionally commenting on the content.

He Fei’s phone rang—it was Shi Zhuo calling. He Fei said he wasn’t coming back, that the alcohol from the afternoon had finally caught up with him. The call was passed around to several others, each taking turns to laugh and curse at him before finally hanging up.

He Fei smiled wryly at Xiang Lei and turned off his phone.

Then Xiang Lei’s phone rang—it was Cheng Xue. Xiang Lei said he was too drunk and would return first thing in the morning. There was no response before the call disconnected.

Xiang Lei gave He Fei a small smile and turned off his phone as well.

The room phone rang next—a sultry female voice asked if the gentlemen wanted massage services. He Fei refused outright. The caller didn’t even bother with a polite “sorry to disturb” before hanging up.

After a moment’s thought, He Fei unplugged the phone line entirely.

He walked over and sat beside Xiang Lei, draping an arm around his shoulders.

Xiang Lei actually blushed, his gaze fixed on the TV screen, a faint smile playing at his lips.

He Fei leaned in and kissed him.

He instinctively closed his eyes but sensed at some point that Xiang Lei had opened his. When He Fei looked, sure enough, Xiang Lei’s eyes were fluttering open.

Caught in the act, Xiang Lei started laughing uncontrollably until He Fei had to break the kiss. He Fei stared at him in confusion, which only made Xiang Lei laugh harder. Eventually, He Fei found himself laughing too.

Once the laughter subsided, Xiang Lei said, “Let’s take a shower.”

He Fei met his eyes. “Together.”

Then, a long-missed intimacy with no barriers between them. Then, a desperate, time-is-running-out urgency. Then, a completely new experience—He Fei paused just before climaxing and said on impulse, “Leizi, you take over. Let me try it your way this time.”

What followed was an unprecedented intensity of passion, half from Xiang Lei, half from He Fei.

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299

They lay sprawled naked on the bed, arms folded behind their heads, legs tangled together.

“Come to Yunnan with me,” He Fei said.

Xiang Lei didn’t respond.

“Just for ten days, okay? A week? Or even five days?” He Fei persisted.

“I don’t want to go,” Xiang Lei said.

“Three days! Just to Lijiang, just to see Jade Dragon Snow Mountain! Please? Pretend the world ends in three days and we’ll never see each other again…” He Fei rolled onto his side, cupping Xiang Lei’s face.

“But how would I explain it to her? Even tonight, I didn’t have the nerve to properly argue with her.”

He Fei had no reply. He got up to search his pockets for cigarettes, only to remember he’d run out. Suddenly craving a drink, he dressed and went down to the convenience store on the first floor.

When he returned, the door was ajar and the room was empty. Thinking Xiang Lei must have gone home after all, He Fei tossed the items aside in frustration, turned his phone back on, and called Xiang Lei—it rang.

“Where are you?”

“Rooftop.”

“What the hell are you doing up there? How’d you even get up?”

“Half a flight up from the stairwell. There’s a small door on the right with a loose lock. Looks like they’re doing renovations up there.”

He Fei threw his phone down and bolted for the stairs, taking them two at a time until he reached the rooftop. Xiang Lei’s silhouette stood by the edge, leaning on the parapet and gazing into the distance.

The backdrop was a murky night sky.

He Fei sprinted forward, grabbing Xiang Lei’s arm as he shouted hoarsely, “What the fuck are you doing up here? Tell me! What the fuck are you doing here!”

Xiang Lei smiled. “Taking in the view. It’s beautiful.”

Then he gestured for He Fei to look at the city lights and distant neon signs.

Yes, truly a sea of lights. Anyone seeing this would feel warmth in their heart. The people living in those illuminated homes probably didn’t realize how their ordinary lives could inspire envy in those looking at the lights—but with just one glance, He Fei envied them deeply.

He wrapped his arms around Xiang Lei from behind, pressing his face against Xiang Lei’s back as he murmured, “I won’t push you anymore, Leizi. Never again.”

“You thought if you arrived a few seconds later, I’d have jumped? Don’t worry, I’m not done living yet,” Xiang Lei chuckled.

A long silence followed.

“He Fei, do you love me?” Xiang Lei suddenly asked.

“Don’t—”

“What’s wrong with asking? You’ve never said it.”

“Yes!” He Fei growled through gritted teeth.

“Love me so much it hurts, huh?” Xiang Lei laughed softly. “Do you hate me now?”

He Fei didn’t answer, still clinging to Xiang Lei.

“Hate me for getting involved with you but not begging you to stay when you left? Hate me for pulling you in but not seeing it through to the end?”

“When I don’t see you, I hate you. When I do see you, I don’t have time to hate!” He Fei said.

He tightened his embrace, nuzzling his head against Xiang Lei’s back.

Xiang Lei turned to face He Fei and asked another unexpected question: “Do you remember how long we actually lived together?”

“Over a year,” He Fei released Xiang Lei to pull out two cigarettes, offering one to Xiang Lei and sticking the other between his own lips.

“And how did we manage to waste even that short time? What a shame.”

“My fault. I didn’t know how to cherish it…” He Fei’s eyes filled with self-reproach.

“No.” Xiang Lei shook his head. “Nobody’s to blame. We were just too young, too immature.”

“Now we’re mature. Too bad it seems too late.” Despair washed over He Fei.

“There is one solution,” Xiang Lei suddenly took He Fei’s hand, his expression caught between a smile and something else.

He Fei rubbed the back of Xiang Lei’s hand, waiting.

“Let’s tie our hands together and jump from here. No more responsibilities, no more morals—the living will find a way to go on. We won’t have to worry about getting tired of each other later. No one can run away. As for the news reports, let them write whatever—we won’t see or hear it anyway. No more shame.” Xiang Lei said.

As He Fei listened, his grip on Xiang Lei’s hand unconsciously tightened.

“Scared?” Xiang Lei asked.

“Yeah,” He Fei admitted. “But what I’m scared of is you pushing me off alone. Or jumping by yourself.”

Xiang Lei laughed and leaned back against the parapet, looking up at the night sky.

“He Fei, isn’t that the life you wanted? Find a girl and get married. I can convince Cheng Xue to sell our current place. We’ll find a new development—make sure we’re next-door neighbors.”

He Fei let go of Xiang Lei’s hand and slumped against the wall, squatting down. The cigarette still dangled unlit from his lips.

Finally, He Fei understood—feelings were like adding reagent to a beaker, trying to hit the exact measurement line. A little more or a little less made all the difference. A little less, and you’d be brothers for life. A little more, and you’d accidentally fall in love. Emotions beyond brotherhood were impossible to control. The corresponding relationships were either useless or simply not enough.

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300

At dawn, He Fei jolted awake from a nightmare.

In the dream, he watched helplessly as Xiang Lei leaped off the rooftop alone. When He Fei tried to follow, countless people appeared out of nowhere to restrain him. The strange thing was—when Xiang Lei jumped, the rooftop had been empty except for He Fei. But the moment He Fei moved to jump, a noisy crowd materialized around him.

Opening his eyes, his entire body felt chilled.

Coming to his senses, He Fei realized Xiang Lei wasn’t beside him. Panicked, he grabbed his phone to call—only to remember Xiang Lei had turned his off again at some point.

“Fuck!” He Fei swore aloud.

Then Xiang Lei’s voice came from the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I thought you’d really gone and jumped.”

Xiang Lei’s carefree laughter echoed from the bathroom.

“You’re renting a place with Shi Zhuo now?” Xiang Lei asked.

“Yeah. When are you heading back?”

“I’ll stop by your place at noon, then leave in the afternoon.”

“Alright. I’ll drive you home in the afternoon, then take you to the airport tonight.”

At He Fei and Shi Zhuo’s apartment, Xiang Lei took charge of cooking an elaborate lunch.

Shi Zhuo couldn’t stop praising the food, asking if Xiang Lei had taken cooking classes. Xiang Lei said no—he’d learned entirely from cookbooks, wasting who knows how many ingredients before reaching his current skill level.

He Fei had been skeptical earlier, teasing that Xiang Lei only knew how to make scrambled eggs with tomatoes. But after tasting a few bites, he had to admit Xiang Lei’s culinary skills had improved dramatically. While the presentation might not match restaurant standards, the flavors were genuinely impressive.

Over four years had passed. There must be countless things Xiang Lei had experienced that He Fei never witnessed.

The thought alone made He Fei’s heart ache with loss.