PHUW 80

“That… that kind of thing.”

“Have you ever thought about it?”

The lips that had kept arguing so firmly finally shut tight. In contrast, his big eyes opened so wide it looked like they would pop out. His clear pupils, like a fine pigment mixed with morning dew by a traditional painter, trembled.

Jeong Mok had known this would happen when he said something cruel. But looking into those wounded puppy eyes, it felt like a knife drove into his heart. The pain was so raw it twisted his brow. Seeing that, sorrow seeped into Haeri’s gaze and then slowly dropped downward.

Jeong Mok pressed his fingertips lightly to his solar plexus and then let out a sigh as he continued explaining.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m Vice Chairman of Hyeonsan or if you’re an amnesiac orphan. What matters is that you’re in a socially unstable position, you’re the weaker one, and I have the physical and emotional power to do whatever I want with you. That’s why letting anything sexual come between us is unethical. Do you understand?”

Haeri dropped his head and said nothing.

“I’ll step out into the hall for ten minutes. If you feel a panic attack coming, press the nurse call right away. They’ll come immediately.”

“……”

He kept silent. Taking it as agreement, Jeong Mok left the room.

He had never intended to truly leave a fragile patient he had just provoked. After closing the door, he leaned against the hallway wall right beside it. He tugged loose the necktie that had been strangling him and undid a button of his shirt. He filled his lungs with the faintly antiseptic-smelling air and then slowly exhaled.

“Who is this for, anyway.”

If he had only cared about his own desire, he wouldn’t be here like this. The moment he had felt the impulse, he would have acted, and by now he would already have been on that bed over and over, sweating through rough movements. He would have ignored the pleas of someone crying that he couldn’t, that he was scared, that he should stop, and instead gripped him brutally, thrown him down, and pushed until that secret flesh was red and swollen.

No matter how much the world had changed, crossing the barrier of gender was something that demanded long thought, certainty, and carefulness, and even then it still met countless hardships.

It didn’t matter what became of himself with his own emotional problems. The issue was the twenty-four-year-old boy with a wide future ahead of him.

Ahn Haeri was poor, undereducated, had lost his memory, and suffered panic attacks. His life was already hard enough just standing still, burdened with every social weakness imaginable. To add the weight of being a sexual minority on top of that? If he felt even a shred of responsibility toward him, he couldn’t do that.

And even if he did cross the line, there was a problem. If Ahn Haeri eventually regained financial stability, physical strength, overcame panic disorder, and found emotional balance, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t regret a rash choice made now. And if someday he said his feelings had cooled and he wanted to leave… Jeong Mok knew he could never let him go intact.

“Not starting at all is best.”

After calming down, Jeong Mok went back into the room.

Haeri, calmer than before, was looking at the hospital ceiling.

“Don’t worry about housing or living expenses. If you want to do something, I’ll find you a safe place for it anytime. Do you need anything else?”

When Jeong Mok asked, Haeri turned his head a beat late and stared at him.

“I thought about it. I still want to live with you. With Gom-i too.”

So he said he had thought about it, but it was the same answer again.

“Where did everything I just said go? You can’t stay with me.”

“I don’t really get it, but I kind of do. But…”

His voice drooped weakly.

“My foot’s injured. I can’t keep working at the convenience store. And I don’t want to stay even a day longer in the neighborhood where that lunatic Jang lives.”

“I’ll find you a house in the safest area in the country.”

“I need someone to walk Gom-i.”

“I’ll hire you a good trainer.”

There was nothing money couldn’t solve. And Jeong Mok had money to spare.

“…Can’t you just do it yourself?”

“I can’t. I told you.”

In such a short time, his emotional pace was running wild.

“You barely know me, yet I even stalked you in the middle of the night. If this keeps up, it’ll be trouble. For me, yes, but for you too. Why are you trying to go down a dangerous path?”

“Stalking wasn’t good, but… I’m alive because you followed me. You know I’m a magnet for accidents. Even if I live in the safest place, so what? These days it’s always acquaintances who cause trouble. Some barely familiar person can grab a tool and go wild. Even if I stay home all the time, I have to eat, so I’ll go shopping or order deliveries. And who knows if a courier or grocery clerk will suddenly snap at an accident magnet like me? For all I know, the neighbor next door could be weird too. But I can’t live shut in my room. That would kill me with loneliness.”

For someone so flimsy, why did all the marks of hardship show only in these places? Haeri knew reality too well for his own good.

“I’ll get you a bodyguard too.”

“That’s uncomfortable. And what if that person does something weird?”

His eyes, full of hurt and anger, turned on Jeong Mok.

“And if you’re sorry, why do you keep just saying no? I told you I want this. Can’t you just put up with it a little longer?”

Haeri finally shed tears. He hadn’t done anything wrong, hadn’t been cruel to anyone, and yet those tears spilled, breaking Jeong Mok’s heart.

“I held back every time you touched me too. Even when I said it was weird, you still touched me. You messed up my hair. You tempted me like that, and now when you feel like kissing me, you suddenly say we shouldn’t see each other. How can you do that?”

“……”

“And if someone’s going to leave, it should be me. Why is it that you, the one who did wrong, are trying to throw me away again?”

“It’s not that I’m trying to throw you away…”

“You already did wrong. So this time, whether we part on good terms or not, it’s only fair that I get to decide.”

“Haeri. I explained earlier. What you’re doing is Stockholm Syndrome…”

“I don’t care if it’s chicken stock or whatever. Grooming or pulling a cart, that’s your business. I don’t agree with what you said. If I’m going to be thrown away someday, it has to be me doing the throwing. That means I have to stay with you, so we’re living together no matter what.”

It was nonsense, but somehow it sounded convincing. Convincing enough that Jeong Mok couldn’t find room to argue.

“Living with me will be uncomfortable.”

“I’ll deal with that.”

“Gom-i won’t like it.”

“And who was it feeding Gom-i snacks and fawning over him every night at 1 a.m.?”

Pressed with attack after attack, Jeong Mok ran out of excuses. He had nothing more to say.

Seizing the advantage, Haeri wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, then asked in an almost casual tone,

“Does your place have a yard?”

“No, but the house itself is big, and it’s close to Hangang Park. If you don’t like it, I’ll find another with a yard.”

“It’s fine. Big and close to a park will work.”

Haeri had decided, and Jeong Mok had no choice but to follow.

“Handle the move. You know where my place is, right?”

“…Yeah.”

Maybe it had been a throwaway question, but when Jeong Mok admitted he knew, Haeri frowned.

“I can’t believe it. That’s really low.”

“……”

“Did you go and buy my house too, like in a movie? And the neighbor’s house?”

“……”

He couldn’t bring himself to deny it. Haeri’s jaw dropped.

“You really are a stalker. You say I shouldn’t be around, but if I weren’t, you’d probably have ended up in prison already.”

His eyes swept him up and down with disbelief, leaving Jeong Mok unable to hide his embarrassment.

“I was confident I wouldn’t get caught.”

“That’s your excuse? Anyway, I’m living in your house, so deal with it!”

Haeri snapped his head away like he was done talking.

After that, no matter what Jeong Mok said, he wouldn’t listen.

For the rest of his stay, Haeri never stopped calling him a chaebol stalker who wielded money and fists, always adding that only he could put up with it, that anyone else would have either wasted away or reported him already. With his weakness exposed, Jeong Mok could only stay quiet and prepare the move as told.

***

After surgery, Ahn Haeri was scheduled to stay hospitalized for more than a week. But on the fourth day, he yelled that he couldn’t stand it anymore. It was just as a secretary carrying a report stepped inside.

“Work is fine, but why are you turning someone else’s hospital room into your office?”

With Manager Ahn, Attorney Shin, and other secretarial staff constantly coming and going, the patient finally demanded to be discharged, saying he’d rather rest at home. Even with earnest requests to stay at a Seoul hospital until the pins were removed, Haeri didn’t take back his decision once made.

He used a wheelchair, since even crutches were too much. Naturally, he leaned on Jeong Mok when getting in and out of the car. Normally, he would have been embarrassed, but maybe because of the pain, Haeri let himself be supported without hesitation. Instead, every time he draped his arm around Jeong Mok’s shoulder to steady himself, it was Jeong Mok who grew acutely aware of his warmth. Along with it, his self-disgust deepened for feeling desire toward a patient who couldn’t even move alone.

Whether Haeri was oblivious to those conflicted feelings or aware but ignoring them, he strangely acted more familiar.

They sat together in the back seat of the secretary-driven car. At first they kept a comfortable distance, but Haeri kept shifting and fidgeting until he finally pressed right up against Jeong Mok’s side and rested his head on his shoulder.