PMEVBO 45

A reply came from Iser, who had been lying motionless.

“…Yes.”

His voice was low and muffled. But it wasn’t the voice of someone who’d just woken up.

“When did you wake up?”

“…When you came in from the balcony.”

That’s a lie. Iser’s posture and breathing hadn’t changed before or after I went out to the balcony and came back in. Thinking about it now, it seemed like he’d been like that all night.

So Iser had been awake all night. Just like me.

Maybe he hasn’t slept even once while he’s been with me this whole time…

Sleeping wasn’t something I could check every single time, like eating. If that’s the case, could he have been telling me lies like that every single time?

“…Did you finish reading it?”

Iser asked in a cautious tone. He still had his back turned to me.

“Yes, I finished reading it.”

If Iser had been awake every night, he would have noticed that I didn’t sleep tonight either. 

A smart guy like him would have figured out that I was trying to read the experiment log while he slept. That’s why he acted like he was lying all night long beside me, pretending to sleep.

…He wanted me to read the experiment log that much.

I didn’t realize how desperately he wanted me to, I felt sorry for only reading it now.

But it was Iser who actually apologized.

“…I’m sorry. For making you read it like that.”

If he’d only been pretending to sleep because he wanted me to read the log, he wouldn’t have kept it up after I returned from the balcony. It seems this young master had achieved his goal, yet felt so guilty towards me that he kept pretending to sleep all this time.

What a sensitive little guy.

“…Do I seem horrible now?”

Iser asked in a trembling voice.

I sighed and gently stroked his head with my gloved hand. His shoulders flinched.

“No, you’re not horrible. There’s no way you are.”

Only then did Iser’s stiff shoulders visibly relax. Reassured, I continued slowly.

“I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“…….”

“……For not realizing you were suffering so much you wanted to die.”

Iser raised a hand and caught mine, which had been gently brushing through his hair. Gripping my fingers tightly, he asked softly.

“What would you do if I said I wanted to die?”

……So he really had been thinking about suicide. I’d already suspected it to some extent, but hearing it from his own mouth made my breath hitch.

I kept thinking about it while reading the experiment log. Why would a proud child like Iser let me dig into every detail of his wounds? 

After reading all the duke’s notes, I realized. That Iser had actually tried to kill himself.

It’s presumed the experimental subject attempted to sever his own tongue. The suicide attempt was unsuccessful. However, had I not intervened personally, it likely would have succeeded.

When I first brought Iser to the annex, the first thing I did was remove the restraint from his mouth. Yet, there were no signs anywhere on that device that he had tried to force it off. …He probably attempted suicide, got caught by the duke, and was fitted with a new restraint device. That’s when he was abducted by me.

Another note contained this passage:

I am thorough and perfect, which is why I kept a tight grip on the leash of that bastard who was desperate to die. An ordinary person couldn’t have handled it and would have let him die.

The moment I read that passage, I recalled Iser’s state when he was abducted by Atsula. 

The Tali cord tied tightly in his mouth, preventing him from biting his own tongue. Perhaps even then, Iser had wanted to die.

Iser was always a kind-hearted kid. Even when he acted prickly and sharp-tongued, he was always watching me, worried he might have hurt my feelings. I found that side of Iser adorable.

But after the kidnapping, Iser changed. He no longer lashed out at me. He smiled often, his tone and gaze softened, and somehow he seemed relieved.

Every time I noticed that change, I felt inexplicably uneasy…

Only after reading the experiment log did I feel like I was truly facing the form of that unease.

If the change I’d seen in Iser lately stemmed from the detachment of someone resolved to die, then perhaps his showing me the experiment log was also… his final plea for help.

If that was the case, this was the only answer I could give him.

“…I’ll do everything.”

“….”

“So tell me, what can I do to make you want to live?”

I desperately hoped these words weren’t too late.

The hand that had been clasped with mine tightened. Iser, who had been facing away the whole time, slowly turned to look at me.

“You’ll really do everything?”

His gaze, looking up at me with one cheek pressed against my hand, seemed so desperate. So much so that I couldn’t even think of shaking my head.

“Yes.”

I nodded. Iser kissed the back of my hand, still clasped with his, and smiled.

“Thank you for saying that.”

I felt his ticklish breath through the gloves. Iser lowered his gaze and spoke quietly.

“Ever since I was trapped at the top of that spire, I’ve only ever wished for death.”

I hadn’t realized such a confession of agony could be said so matter-of-factly. The thought of that child’s tears, long since dried up, was heartbreaking.

“Actually, even after you rescued me from there, I planned to die once our promised time together ended.”

Only then did I understand Iser’s peculiar behaviors that had been strangely troubling me all along. His unusual indifference to events after leaving the castle, acting like someone about to part forever despite his feelings for me, all of it.

…He did that because he had no intention of continuing living.

I forced myself to sound calm as I spoke.

“…Do you still feel that way?”

I tried to suppress my trembling voice, but instead, it came out cold and stiff. Yet, the gaze Iser gave me as he looked up contained an affection I couldn’t understand.

“No.”

He smiled as if relieved and added.

“I don’t want to die anymore.”

“… What? Really?”

“Yes.”

But even with that clear answer, my unease wouldn’t subside.

If someone who attempted suicide can change their mind, there must have been some huge turning point…?

Was he just lying to spare me worry? Unfortunately, I already knew Iser was quite good at lying.

After some hesitation, I decided to ask.

“…Can I ask why you changed your mind?”

Iser just stared at me silently. Only then did it belatedly occur to me that this question might hurt Iser. As I agonized over how to salvage this with a heavy heart,

“Ah.”

Iser gently bit my index finger. I could feel the tip of his tooth through the glove, but it didn’t hurt much. Yet, caught off guard by the unexpected action, I froze solid like a rock.

“I’m not telling you that.”

Iser let go of my hand, which he had been holding, and stood up. A smile spread across his face. It was a playful, mischievous smile I never expected to see from him.

“Guess.”

“What?”

Holding my bitten finger, I was dazed for a moment, but then Iser snatched my hand away again. Gently rubbing the spot he’d bitten, Iser opened his mouth.

“I’ll give you one hint.”

“A hint? What kind of…”

Facing that mischievously smiling face, I was completely speechless.

After a moment, Iser whispered.

“The reason I wanted to live is the same reason I asked you to read the experiment log.”

In that instant, the words that child had spoken two days earlier suddenly came back to me.

“…You don’t always have to hear it to know, right?”