SLC 61

“Hey! Are you still sleeping?”

Kim Jinkyung lifted his head when he heard the sound of the curtains being pulled open.

“…Did you forget something here?”

“What kind of bullshit is that? I came after class ended.”

Kim Jinkyung checked the clock. He felt like he had only closed his eyes for a moment, but evening had already long passed.

“What are you even doing with your life? Are you going to sleep all day until you die? Being pathetic has its limits, you crazy bastard.”

Seo Sangil started his nagging. Kim Jinkyung blinked a few times, then buried his face back into the pillow.

“Kim Jinkyung!”

Seo Sangil yanked the sheet away.

“What about school? What about your classes? Are you just going to keep living like this?”

“…I took a leave of absence.”

“What?”

“I said I took a leave.”

“Are you insane? If you take a leave now, you lose all your tuition. And you’re graduating next year. What kind of leave are you talking about?”

Kim Jinkyung grabbed the sheet from Seo Sangil’s hand and pulled it back over himself.

“What’s wrong with you, seriously? At least tell me why. Huh?”

Two weeks earlier, well past midnight, Kim Jinkyung had shown up without warning. He did not call. He just started pounding on the door.

Before Seo Sangil could even ask why he was there, Kim Jinkyung pulled an envelope full of cash out of his bag and handed it over.

‘It’s everything I have.’

‘What?’

‘Get me a room under your name. Anything.’

‘What are you talking about? Are you crazy? What’s going on?’

Seo Sangil was completely wide awake from his friend’s incomprehensible nonsense.

‘Who is it at this hour?’

Jung Ahyeon, who had woken up, came out to the entryway yawning.

‘…Hello.’

Kim Jinkyung greeted her when he saw her.

‘Oh, hi. Don’t just stand there. Come in.’

‘No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I’ll leave right away.’

Seo Sangil grabbed Kim Jinkyung, who was about to leave, and made him sit down. He told him to explain properly what this ridiculous talk about finding a room meant, but Kim Jinkyung stubbornly kept his mouth shut.

‘Hey, if you’re going to show up at this hour and spout nonsense like that, at least explain it properly.

‘Why? What’s going on?’

Jung Ahyeon sat across from them, drinking bottled water.

‘This guy suddenly says he needs a room. You already have a studio. Did that place burn down too?’

‘No.’

‘Then why do you need another room?’

‘…Because I’m scared.’

‘Scared of what? Is your studio haunted or something?’

Kim Jinkyung lowered his head again. Seo Sangil wondered if he had been drinking and leaned in to sniff, but he didn’t smell anything. Seo Sangil scratched his cheek and let out a baffled sound.

‘Then you can stay in my apartment.’

Kim Jinkyung looked up at Jung Ahyeon’s words.

‘No. It’s okay.’

‘I’m moving back to my parents’ place next week, but the house hasn’t been rented out yet, so it’s annoying. There are about two months left on the lease.’

Jung Ahyeon yawned and tapped Seo Sangil’s head with her finger.

‘He said he’d handle all the packing too.’

Kim Jinkyung’s gaze turned to Seo Sangil.

‘Yeah, seriously. Noona, are you really throwing all the furniture away? I can try listing it on Carrot.’

‘Just thinking about it is annoying. You two handle that too.’

‘I’ll pay rent.’

Kim Jinkyung cautiously cut into their conversation.

‘Like someone being chased by loan sharks would.’

‘…I’m not being chased.’

‘You look the part.’

‘You say you’re not, but you look exactly like someone being tracked by a hunter. Sangil, make sure you hide him well. Before Jinkyung gets shot.’

Jung Ahyeon laughed. Kim Jinkyung and Seo Sangil both knew she was deliberately trying to lighten the mood.

“Thank you.”

Jung Ahyeon waved her hand dismissively.

‘If you’re grateful, then leave for now. I’m sleepy.’

‘Ah, yes.’

Kim Jinkyung immediately stood up.

The next day, Seo Sangil spent the entire day clearing out Jung Ahyeon’s place. She left for her parents’ home with only two suitcases, and Kim Jinkyung stayed behind in that house.

Seo Sangil stopped by the studio every two days to check on his friend. Every time, Kim Jinkyung was lying on the bed.

“Fuck, seriously. At least pick up the phone. Why do you keep turning it off? Give it to me. I’ll turn it on for you.”

“I threw it away.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m going back to sleep.”

Seo Sangil grabbed Kim Jinkyung’s hand when he tried to lie back down.

“You’re really going to end up like this…”

Seo Sangil flinched and looked down.

“Kim Jinkyung, you…”

This wasn’t just weight loss. Seo Sangil, shocked, rolled up the sleeve of the clothes Kim Jinkyung was wearing and checked his arm.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“…I don’t know.”

“You crazy bastard. You right now…”

Seo Sangil urgently pulled Kim Jinkyung to his feet. The sudden movement made Kim Jinkyung feel dizzy, and he staggered.

“Wait, fuck. You’re really going to die like this. You have to eat something.”

Seo Sangil propped Kim Jinkyung against the bed and ran to the kitchen. He opened the fridge, then shouted in alarm.

“What have you been eating this whole time? There’s only bottled water and drinks in here!”

They were all things Jung Ahyeon had left behind from when she lived there.

“What should I order? No, you’ll starve to death before it arrives.”

Seo Sangil rummaged through the cupboard. He only found a few packs of ramyeon his girlfriend had left behind. He knew ramyeon wasn’t good on an empty stomach, but he thought at least getting something mattered. He could buy porridge afterward.

Seo Sangil filled a pot with water and broke the noodles. At some point, Kim Jinkyung came out of the room and sat at the table.

“…I’m sorry.”

“If you’re sorry, then eat. And later, meat or… never mind.”

Seo Sangil shook the soup packet over the boiling water.

“Sangil.”

“What?”

“Do you think someone can go to the army twice?”

“I heard you can if you’re unlucky. Administrative mistakes, military corruption, that kind of shit. There was a celebrity case like that. If it were me, I’d rather kill myself.”

“…Should I go to the army again?”

“What?”

Seo Sangil was so shocked that he dropped the unopened soup packet into the pot.

“Ah, fuck. Hot.”

Seo Sangil fished it out and cooled his hand under cold water, then turned back to his friend.

“What did you just say?”

“If I say I’ll go to the army… again, will they take me?”

Seo Sangil walked over and placed a hand on Kim Jinkyung’s forehead.

“What are…”

“How many is this?”

Seo Sangil held up two fingers as he asked.

“Why are you showing fingers?”

“How many?”

“Two.”

“You can see fine, but you’re saying shit like that. You really are crazy.”

Seo Sangil grabbed Kim Jinkyung’s hand.

“Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“To a psychiatric hospital. This isn’t the time to eat ramyeon. You’re insane.”

“I’m not insane.”

Kim Jinkyung pulled his hand away.

“You’re not insane, but you’re talking about going back to the army? Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Why the hell would you crawl back in there?”

“……”

Kim Jinkyung lowered his head without a word. Seo Sangil let out a long sigh.

“Did you get dumped?”

“……!”

Kim Jinkyung’s eyes flew wide open. They were already big eyes, but his gaunt face made them look even larger.

Poor bastard.

Seo Sangil clicked his tongue and continued talking.

“Is this your first relationship? When you date, you can break up. That happens. Everything gets better with time. Dating isn’t that big a deal, fuck. You’re talking about going back to the army over it. You’re insane.”

Seo Sangil sat Kim Jinkyung back down on the chair.

“Since you already took a leave, rest for a while. Work out, get a hobby. Or study something you like.”

Seo Sangil opened the soup packet that had shriveled from the heat and poured it in, then added the halved noodles as he continued.

“Stay busy. If you do that, it gets better someday.”

“When… when does it get better?”

Kim Jinkyung finally spoke.

“Well, someday it will.”

Seo Sangil loosened the noodles with chopsticks and turned his head.

“You won’t spend your whole life…”

He had been about to joke that Kim Jinkyung wouldn’t spend his whole life being pathetic, if Kim Jinkyung hadn’t started crying.

“Kim Jinkyung. Hey, why are you crying. Are you really crying because you got dumped?”

“…It’s hard.”

“What?”

“It’s too hard.”

Seo Sangil was flustered by a side of his friend he had never seen before.

“What’s hard? Hey, don’t cry… Why are you crying like that?”

Seo Sangil turned off the heat under the ramyeon that had started to boil over and set the pot on the table.

“Eat. Eat something first, then cry. You’ll really pass out at this rate.”

Seo Sangil held out the chopsticks to coax him, but Kim Jinkyung started crying uncontrollably.

“I thought if I didn’t see him, that would be the end. But it’s just like before… It doesn’t end. It keeps going. I just keep liking him more. I just keep liking him…” ¹

He left Mok Seongha on the road. No, he ran away. Every time Seongha’s fingertips touched him, his feelings did not spill out. They piled up exactly as they were. It was miserable.

‘Hey!’

His heart sank when he heard the shout from behind him.

If Mok Seongha grabbed him, he wouldn’t be able to run away. He would stay by his side, circling him forever, continuing a one sided love. Like an idiot.

‘I have to sleep at home tonight. I can’t stay over at your place, teacher.’

He remembered the voice that had said those words after they kissed. He liked Seongha’s voice. Even when that cold, low voice called him in a rude way, his heart still raced.

‘I think I can keep eating it. No matter what it is. So….’

In the past, if he had heard Mok Seongha say that, his heart would have fluttered, thinking about how special he must be to him. He hadn’t known his place back then.

‘So…’

Every time those golden eyes looked at him, it felt like facing the moon. It felt like drawing an orbit where neither of them could escape the pull of gravity between them.

‘Help me practice.’

The moment he heard those words, Kim Jinkyung realized that he and that man did not share a mutual gravity.

He was an artificial satellite. Given time, he would lose his function and turn into debris drifting through space.

Even if I get married, nothing will change.

He sounded so confident when he said that. He would not change. The one who always changed was him. He had started to pity Seongha when he was afraid, and that tenderness had tilted further, until he ended up loving him. All of that came from him.

‘…I can’t do it.’

He could not stand by his side and wish him happiness with someone else. Desire took hold of him, and selfish feelings surfaced. He didn’t want to give up Seongha’s side to anyone.

“I can’t do it… I shouldn’t, but I like him too much… I keep having bad thoughts…”

If nothing changed even after marriage, then maybe it would be fine to keep meeting. If he needed practice, Jinkyung could help from his side. Even discreetly liking him would be enough.

“What bad thoughts? Hey. Just because you got dumped doesn’t mean you die over it. Think about your parents. Huh?”

Seo Sangil misunderstood Kim Jinkyung’s words and panicked.

He had told him not to contact him again. He had said he didn’t want to stay by his side anymore.

He didn’t know what expression Seongha had made when he heard that. He didn’t have the courage to look.

When he heard Seongha’s rough breathing, Jinkyung took off the jacket he was wearing and covered his face with it.

Had he transformed? What if someone else saw him? It would be fine. Secretary Kang was running over at the time, and there were barely any people on the street. It would be fine.

He wanted to turn around and check, but he couldn’t. If their eyes met, he would be caught.

He was weak in front of Mok Seongha, and he would certainly lose. No, it was a fight he had never won even once from the beginning.

‘Later… I want my whole world to be you.’

The moment he heard that, he should have realized it. His world was already completely filled with Mok Seongha.

His one sided love had always been easy. It had never harmed anyone, and he could decide its beginning and end on his own.

Kim Jinkyung realized that his harmless one sided love had now come to a complete end.

1. He uses gender neutral pronouns in the original text. ↩︎