SSD Chapter 30. Want To Be Stronger

After watching Zhu Xuyao and Pan Yuan, then Fang Ruihan and Wen Qin all leave one after another, He Jiang walked over to the sofa, crouched down, and patted Xu Fanming’s face. “Get up. The sun’s already burning your ass.”

Xu Fanming let out a low groan, and slowly opened his eyes. His face still carried the anxious look from whatever dream he had just left.

He Jiang hailed a cab and helped him into it. The ride took about half an hour. Along the way, He Jiang bought a bottle of water and tried to get him to drink it. Xu Fanming was still half-asleep, completely out of it. Anything handed to him, he swallowed down.

When the cab reached the campus gate, Xu Fanming had regained a bit of awareness, but he could barely keep his balance. He Jiang held him steady as they made their way toward the male dorm building. After a while, he gave up and simply hoisted Xu Fanming onto his back.

Then he suddenly remembered that Xu Fanming’s meal card was still with him. He asked the drowsy figure behind him, “Fanfan, are you awake?”

Xu Fanming mumbled something incomprehensible from his back. He Jiang couldn’t make out a word. He couldn’t help thinking, maybe he should just take him straight home instead.

If he brought Xu Fanming home, the first thing he’d do would be strip him down and throw him into the shower, scrub him from head to toe. The smell on him was awful, a mix of sweat and alcohol. He Jiang really couldn’t stand the idea of letting someone that filthy lie down on his clean bed.

He Jiang was still frowning, picturing that scene in his mind, when a weak, broken voice came from behind him. “Mmm… what are you doing… cough…”

He Jiang let out a short laugh. “Selling you off.”

Xu Fanming slowly woke up at the sound of his voice. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the back of He Jiang’s head. He tried to struggle down, but his body had no strength. Everything was spinning in front of his eyes. After a few tries, he gave up and went limp.

Then he mumbled, “Do you think I’m pathetic?”

He Jiang paused. After a moment, he replied, “No.”

Xu Fanming didn’t say anything after that. He Jiang walked a few more steps. The road suddenly felt long. The streetlights cast a dim, quiet glow. For a while, it seemed like the only thing on the street was the sound of their breathing.

He Jiang slowed his pace. Then he asked, “What were you dreaming about just now?”

Xu Fanming stayed silent for a long time. Just as He Jiang was about to forget he had even asked, Xu Fanming answered, his voice low and hoarse.

“I dreamed about something from when I was in middle school.”

He Jiang didn’t expect that answer. Xu Fanming rarely spoke so directly. Most of the time, there was a wall between them. No matter how He Jiang tried to approach him, Xu Fanming always reacted quickly to shut him out.

But tonight, that wall seemed to loosen.

He Jiang asked, “What did you dream about?”

The hands on his shoulders tensed a little. “I dreamed about my mom. And someone I used to play basketball with.”

He Jiang lowered his voice. “What happened?”

“I’ve loved basketball since middle school. Back then, I wasn’t slacking off or anything. I only played during breaks.” Xu Fanming turned his face toward the dim streetlight. He Jiang could feel his breath, close enough to touch. “But I was young, and easy to get swept up in things. I really looked up to the heroes I saw on TV. I cared about pride more than anything.”

“Mmm.”

“I used to ask around to find other people who liked basketball. The stronger they were, the more I wanted to challenge them. One time, I finally got a third-year student to agree to play. I was so excited, I skipped a test just to go find him.” As he said that, a faint smile touched his lips. But by the time he got to the next part, his eyes had lost their light. “But later, when the teacher noticed I was gone for half an hour, she called my mom. My mom came to the school, questioned my deskmate, and found out where I went.”

“When she showed up, I didn’t know anything yet. I was still playing, having the time of my life. She was furious, and looked like she had lost her mind. In front of everyone, she beat the hell out of me. My friend was scared stiff, and the people around us were just standing there watching.”

“She kicked me to the ground. The dust on my face hadn’t even been wiped off before she slapped me hard across the cheek. My ears were ringing. I saw white spots in front of my eyes.” Xu Fanming bit his lip. His nose was starting to sting again, but he forced himself to hold it back. “Then she picked up a tree branch. I didn’t dare fight back. I clenched my teeth and took it. I felt like everyone around us was either laughing or pitying me, even that senior who had just praised me a moment ago. I didn’t dare look at anyone. I just wanted to disappear.”

“My face swelled up, I twisted my ankle, and my body was covered in bruises. I didn’t go out to play basketball for months.”

“Even now, I still haven’t forgotten that day.”

He Jiang stopped walking. Xu Fanming wiped at his swollen eyes. His nose was red, and his voice trembled, but he still spoke with his teeth clenched.

“My mom’s not here to control me anymore. I will never, ever let something that humiliating happen again. Even if I lose, I have to lose standing up. I have to give it everything I’ve got, and only then admit defeat.”

I want to be strong. I want to be strong. That voice kept pushing out from his chest, swelling until it felt like it would crush him.

His mother hadn’t shown up this time. So why, in today’s match, had he still felt that same familiar shame?

The pressure of being held back. The sting of every careless mistake. It was eating away at Xu Fanming, little by little.

“I want to get stronger…” His voice caught in his throat. “I want to prove to everyone that I can become the ace of this team…”

He Jiang didn’t speak for a long time. He looked up at the stars. For some reason, his chest tightened slightly, like something had quietly stirred inside. There was no such thing as truly feeling what another person felt. At best, it was recognizing a piece of yourself in someone else.

In the end, He Jiang smiled and spoke gently.

“All right. I’ll be waiting.”

Come and be the strongest small forward in my heart.

The mix of sweat and tears soaked into He Jiang’s collar. The body on his back was young and burning hot, full of restless energy. Maybe he had been through pain, but that pain would become a quiet force pushing him forward. When things went wrong, he would hide in a restroom to cry in frustration, then get back up again, ready to take on the world.

This version of Xu Fanming, shining with confidence and certainty, made He Jiang’s chest tighten.

Xu Fanming listened to He Jiang’s words, and slowly fell silent. He Jiang could feel the weight on his back ease a little. Xu Fanming leaned against his back, quiet and still. It felt like the tension in his body had finally eased.

Neither of them spoke. For the first time, they quietly shared the silence of the night. Xu Fanming wiped his eyes, and his body gradually relaxed. He Jiang carried him in silence, his mind a mess. Time passed without them noticing, until the warmth from the alcohol slowly returned, spreading over the skin where their bodies were touching.

Suddenly, Xu Fanming grabbed He Jiang’s arm, and a groggy voice came from behind.

“…Put me down.”

He Jiang was caught off guard. Xu Fanming was already starting to slide off his back. He reached out to hold his legs, but nearly lost his balance. “What is it?” he asked.

Half of Xu Fanming’s body had already slid off. He Jiang let go, and the moment he was free, Xu Fanming started scratching at himself.

He Jiang reached out to stop him. Xu Fanming looked up at him in confusion.

“What are you doing?” He Jiang asked.

“…I’m hot,” Xu Fanming muttered.

He reached for his outer jacket and pulled it off. Then he tried to lift the thin jersey underneath, as if wanting the night air to hit his sweaty skin. The temperature had dropped, and it was already late autumn. He Jiang worried he might catch cold and reached out to stop him. But Xu Fanming looked up and said softly, “…Why.”

He Jiang’s mind went blank. Since when had the little raptor ever looked like this? His eyes were red, tear stains still on his cheeks. That look of helplessness made him seem more like a wronged, pitiful kid than the person He Jiang was used to.

That was when He Jiang finally realized. Xu Fanming was drunk.

The way he had let his guard down, the way he had spoken so openly, how quiet and compliant he had become, and now this pitiful look on his face… it all made sense now.

So alcohol really did work wonders.

He Jiang seemed to think of something. He went over, grabbed Xu Fanming’s wrist, pointed at himself, and blinked. “Do you know who I am?”

Xu Fanming stared at him for a while before answering slowly, “You’re… that dumbass center on our team.”

He Jiang didn’t know what to say.

Xu Fanming’s hands started wandering again, tugging at his clothes. He Jiang grabbed his wrist, but Xu Fanming just lowered his head and rubbed his face against the collar of He Jiang’s shirt. His movements were sluggish, and he looked like he hadn’t fully woken up. His face was blank, eyes unfocused.

He was too damn cute.

He Jiang reached out and gently wiped the corner of Xu Fanming’s eye. They were swollen like peaches. “Stop messing with your clothes. Once we get back to the dorm, take a shower and you’ll feel better.”

But Xu Fanming wouldn’t listen. He pulled away like a sulking kid. He Jiang nearly lost his grip on him, so he narrowed his eyes and lowered his voice.

“Don’t move again, or I’ll punish you.”

He Jiang hadn’t expected Xu Fanming to ignore him at all. He broke free and, tossing off his jacket as he went. The thin jersey on his body looked like it might get pulled off too.

He Jiang frowned and chased after him. When he caught up, Xu Fanming’s face was flushed, and he was still struggling. “What’s your problem? Let go of your dad, now—mmph…”

“Shh.” He Jiang held him around the waist from behind. He was already starting to feel annoyed. There had barely been a moment of peace before this guy started causing trouble again.

“I’m hot.” Xu Fanming’s body was burning. He kept trying to pull at his clothes. “It’s uncomfortable…”

The more He Jiang tried to stop him, the more Xu Fanming resisted. In the end, He Jiang’s tone dropped.

“If you don’t behave, I’m going to kiss you.”

He thought that would scare him into stopping.

But this drunken fool didn’t even seem to register what he had said. Instead, seeing He Jiang freeze up, he only got bolder. He kept tugging at the hem of his jersey, trying to pull it off, still mumbling “hot” under his breath.

Something snapped in He Jiang’s head. He didn’t even know what he was thinking. He suddenly bent down and pressed a kiss to Xu Fanming’s forehead.

There was a salty taste, mixed with body heat. The moment the kiss landed, even He Jiang was stunned.

But when he saw Xu Fanming’s expression, a rush of heat shot through He Jiang, and his whole body went weak and tingly.

Xu Fanming looked just as shocked. He lowered his head and touched his forehead, like he was trying to confirm what had just happened. Then he slowly looked up again. His eyes were blank and confused, staring at He Jiang with no clear reaction.

Finally, he asked. “…What was that for?”

He Jiang hadn’t had any strange thoughts.
Not when feeding Xu Fanming peanuts, not while changing his clothes or cleaning up the mess. Even earlier, when he’d imagined taking Xu Fanming home and giving him a bath, his mind had stayed perfectly clean. Up until two minutes ago, all he’d been thinking about was how to coax this person back to the dorm and get him to sleep.

But in that moment, as he looked at Xu Fanming’s face, a strange feeling suddenly forced its way into his mind. It was hard to put into words and completely beyond his control.

The atmosphere between them had quietly shifted.

“Hey.” Still getting no response, Xu Fanming started to get irritated. He repeated his question. “What was that for?”

Under the dull yellow light, He Jiang reached out and brushed his finger lightly against Xu Fanming’s lower lip. Xu Fanming still looked lost, maybe trying to make sense of what had just happened.

Then He Jiang suddenly lifted his eyes and looked up at the security camera hanging from the streetlamp nearby. He hesitated for a second. In the end, he let go of Xu Fanming’s lip and said quietly, “No talking. I’m taking you back.”