SWY 122

“I’m miserable because it’s not enough. I want to kiss you, roll around with you. When will I be able to touch you as much as I want?”

“We just kissed a moment ago.”

“Shan, even a twelve-year-old wouldn’t call what we just did a kiss. We didn’t even use tongues. How is that a kiss?”

Sharhan, who had thought it was a kiss despite the lack of tongue, gave an awkward cough and scolded him.

“Are you a kid? Why are you so impatient? Try holding back a little.”

“I’m trying… but it’s hard.”

Lestel’s hand slipped under his shirt, tentatively brushing over bare skin. When Sharhan didn’t stop him, the touches grew bolder, sliding upward until a finger flicked his nipple.

His nipple hardened instantly, and Sharhan almost let out a moan. He clenched his teeth just in time to keep any sound from escaping.

‘So much for being patient. I take that thought back.’

If he left Lestel to do as he pleased, who knew where that bold hand would go. Sharhan grabbed his wrist and pulled it back. Lestel’s resisting hand was reluctantly dragged out from under Sharhan’s clothes.

“Not even just touching?”

“No.”

“Why not? It feels like ever since we became lovers, I’ve been suffering from your withdrawal even more.”

“When you touch me… I get aroused, and then it gets too hard to hold back.”

“You want to have sex with me too, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I’m a man too. When you’re next to me, I get excited and want to roll around. I’m barely holding it together right now, so don’t push me.”

After everything they’d been through, after circling each other for so long, they had only just now finally confirmed their feelings. It was inevitable that they’d want to touch with just a glance, to devour each other from just a brush of fingers.

If things were different, Sharhan might have locked himself away somewhere quiet with Lestel and have sex until they couldn’t move anymore.

“I’m glad.”

“About what?”

“I thought you were already tired of me, since you wouldn’t even kiss me properly.”

“Tired of you already? We’ve barely even taken the first step as lovers.”

Sharhan laughed in disbelief and interlaced their fingers. Lestel was still leaning against his shoulder, and his long silver hair tickled Sharhan’s skin. As Sharhan rested his chin on the top of Lestel’s head, Lestel spoke.

“But then why do I sometimes feel like we’ve been together for years and are already bored of each other?”

“I told you, I avoided kissing because we’re gross right now. Honestly, we smell kind of stale.”

They had only washed their faces with spring water. Their clothes were old and damp, and their hair was greasy from days without washing. A foul smell clung to them.

Lestel raised their clasped hands and pressed his lips firmly to the back of Sharhan’s hand as if sealing it with a stamp. Then he bit his own lip and spoke.

“You know the kiss was just an excuse. The truth is, it still feels like there’s a line between us we haven’t crossed.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I feel a distance from you.”

“When did you feel that? I’ve never kept you at a distance.”

Sharhan let out a quiet laugh, like it was nonsense, but Lestel was serious.

“Since the day we guessed that the brooch, the heirloom of House Kaios, might be the key to the ruins. Since then, I’ve noticed you falling into thought more often than before. And when your eyes finally leave your thoughts and look at me, there’s a distance in them.”

“……”

“Shan, if there’s something you want to say to me, don’t hide it. Say it.”

Sharhan let go of their clasped hands and grabbed a handful of Lestel’s hair, twirling it around his fingers. Lestel let him play with it, waiting for an answer.

But Sharhan remained silent, his eyes heavy with thought. The smile from his lips had completely vanished.

The suspicion that had tormented him for days returned again.

As they talked about the brooch, Sharhan had started to wonder if the Ailun family might be behind his uncle.

What if House Kaios and House Ailun had been tasked with jointly guarding the ruins, and that long-forgotten fact only resurfaced a few years ago?

If the Marquis of Ailun knew about the ruins… and also learned he had to share them with House Kaios…

Lestel’s father, the current Marquis of Ailun, was a greedy and domineering man. Rather than cooperate with a family he considered an enemy, he would have done anything to claim the ruins for himself.

But stepping forward openly would risk his reputation. So wouldn’t it have been easier to control things from behind the scenes using Sharhan’s uncle as a puppet? He might even have arranged Sharhan’s parents’ deaths to look like an accident.

If it was the Marquis of Ailun that Sharhan knew… that was well within his capabilities.

‘I hope it’s not House Ailun… but there’s nothing else of value in Katun besides the ruins. If the ruins are the goal, House Ailun is the most likely suspect.’

If House Ailun had offered money and power, it made sense that not just his foolish uncle but even their vassals might have been swayed. Living so close to each other as enemies, they would know each other’s weaknesses best.

Sharhan clenched his jaw so tightly his jawbone stood out, then looked down at the crown of Lestel’s head.

‘Could you have known too…?’

Once the seed of doubt had taken root in his chest, it refused to go away no matter how hard he tried. It felt like it had sunk deep into the core of his heart.

Over the past few days, he’d kept trying to think of other possibilities. That maybe it hadn’t been House Ailun. That maybe his parents really had died in an accident. That his uncle’s search for the heirloom had nothing to do with the ruins.

But the harder he tried to deny it, the stronger the suspicion grew. He couldn’t be certain without confronting his uncle, but in Sharhan’s mind, the culprit was already House Ailun. It made too much sense.

There’s no way it was an accident unless someone tampered with the carriage or the horses.

The fact that it was House Ailun behind it… that didn’t matter much anymore. Of course it was infuriating. And if the chance came, he would take revenge.

But what truly tormented Sharhan now… was Lestel.

‘Did you know your family… your father… might have killed my parents?’

Lestel hated and resented his father more than anyone. Sharhan wanted to separate him from House Ailun in his mind, but it wasn’t easy.

Why had Lestel looked so relieved when Sharhan said he wouldn’t blame Derry for his master’s sins?

Why, at the moment they finally confirmed their feelings for each other, had he asked Sharhan never to let go of his hand, as if he feared it might happen?

‘If you did know… what am I supposed to do?’

Even just the thought made Sharhan’s fingers go cold. No matter how strained their relationship, the Marquis of Ailun was still Lestel’s father. Could Sharhan really separate the two? Could he keep himself from resenting Lestel?

‘If this ominous suspicion turns out to be true… can I still treat you the same, like nothing happened? Can I stop these feelings that keep flowing toward you now that the seal has broken?’

Sharhan swallowed the flood of questions once more. He still didn’t have the courage to ask.

He was terrified that Lestel might answer, “Yes, my father killed your parents.”

Every time he resolved to ask, it felt like a pitch-black darkness was choking him, making it hard to breathe.

“Shan, that hurts.”

Startled by Lestel’s voice, Sharhan looked down and realized he’d been pulling hard on the hair wrapped around his fingers. He quickly let go and mumbled awkwardly.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was gripping so hard. Anyway, we should get some sleep. The past few days have been exhausting.”

“…Don’t you have something to say to me?”

“No. If I do, I’ll say it right away. So don’t overthink things and just sleep. I slept sitting up and my whole body aches. I need to lie down. You too.”

Sharhan lay down on the floor, curling up with one arm as a pillow, his back turned to Lestel. The air might’ve been warm, but the chill from the ground made him shiver.

Lestel looked down at Sharhan’s shivering body for a moment, sighed lightly, and then lay down beside him.

Once their quiet murmurs faded, the cabin was filled only with the low, steady sounds of breathing. Sharhan let the competing snores of Ardelle and Samson serve as a lullaby and closed his eyes.

Even a short nap hadn’t eased his built-up fatigue. His body still felt heavy, but his mind was sharp and cold, like ice crystals rolling around inside his skull.

‘Lestel, did you know? Or not? Why do I keep thinking you did? Why can’t I ask you right now?’

His head was tangled with thoughts, worries, and conflict. But then he reminded himself, rescuing Derry and the children came first.

Right now, what matters most is focusing on tomorrow’s ambush.

Their side was already at a disadvantage. If he wasn’t fully focused, they could fail. So for now, he had to put all his attention into making tomorrow’s ambush a success.

‘Not now. Afterward… After we rescue Derry and the children safely… that’s when I’ll ask.’

Lestel’s answer still terrified him. Just the thought of it made his blood freeze, made his fingertips go numb. But he couldn’t run away forever. Suspicion was like a worm gnawing away at the heart. For the sake of this new relationship they had just begun, it was something he had to face.

‘Until I hear the answer from Lestel’s own lips, I have to act like nothing’s changed.’

Lestel had already sensed something was off, was already anxious. So Sharhan had to bury this deep, deep inside.

‘Please, let it be that you didn’t know.’

As he felt Lestel’s hand gently wrap around him from behind, Sharhan squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.