SWY 136

Lestel’s reply was swift and resolute, as if the question wasn’t even worth considering. Sharhan slowly sat up and turned to face him.

“Are you really okay with it?”

Lestel sat up as well.

“Yes.”

“If I get the chance… no, even if I have to force it, I’ll kill him. A life must be paid for with a life.”

“Of course you should. Why? Did you think I’d beg you not to, that I’d ask you to forgive him for my sake?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Even if you hacked him to pieces right in front of me, I wouldn’t care. The marquis only ever takes away the people I care about. First my mother, and now you… If I could, I’d kill him with my own hands–”

“If you’re okay with me killing him, then that’s enough.”

Sharhan cut him off. He understood Lestel’s hatred, but he couldn’t let a son bear the burden of killing his father. That kind of guilt would haunt Lestel forever. Sharhan didn’t want to leave a single scar on his heart.

Sharhan lay back down and stared into the fire, a bitter smile playing on his lips. It was ridiculous, how much he fretted about Lestel getting hurt, body or heart.

What’s the point of thinking like this?

It would only lead to one conclusion: he couldn’t leave Lestel.

He stared at the flames, thoughts tangled and heavy, until Lestel spoke in a quiet voice.

“Shan, are you asleep?”

Sharhan didn’t answer, keeping his eyes closed. With not even the slightest movement, Lestel must have assumed he was fast asleep. He let out a long sigh and began murmuring to himself.

“I’m scared of where your thoughts might end up. I’m going crazy wondering if you’ll choose to leave me. All I can do is act shameless, like nothing’s wrong. But inside, I’m trembling like a child afraid of being abandoned.”

“……”

“You can hate me for it. Curse me for being disgusting. Ignore me if you want. Just… don’t leave me.”

“……”

“That’s all I want. Even if you told me to be your slave for the rest of my life, I’d do it.”

With a reverent, solemn air, as though performing a sacred ritual, Lestel leaned down and kissed the back of Sharhan’s head.

Sharhan felt his nose sting and his throat tighten as Lestel’s lips lingered there. The emotions pouring out of Lestel were too deep, too intense, and they made his heart ache.

‘You’ve loved me this deeply all along, haven’t you.’

Sharhan clenched his teeth to hold back the sniffle that threatened to escape. And along with that, he began slowly releasing the resentment and anger he had clung to. Like snow melting under spring sunlight. No matter how harsh the winter, spring always comes.

To Sharhan, Lestel’s heart was spring.

As the storm of emotion gradually calmed, he came to a quiet, inescapable conclusion.

‘I… don’t think I could ever leave Lestel.’

How could he abandon someone who had staked everything on him? Someone who, the more he revealed his heart, seemed to shrink like a frightened little animal. How could he leave him, when even holding him tight and protecting him wouldn’t feel like enough?

The marquis is just the marquis.

Blaming Lestel for the marquis’s sins would be too cruel, just as he’d said. The marquis took his parents’ lives, so Sharhan would take his.

Sharhan slowly gathered his thoughts, preparing what he would say to Lestel come morning. Lestel’s breathing behind him was low and steady, he had fallen deeply asleep.

Rustle.

The faintest sound scratched at his ears just as he was drifting off. Sharhan’s eyes snapped open and fixed on the cave entrance. Beyond the crackling fire, the mouth of the cave remained still and calm.

‘Did I imagine it?’

He tilted his head slightly and began to close his eyes again, but–

Rustle.

The sound came again. Sharhan rose cautiously.

He glanced down, Lestel was still fast asleep. He considered waking him, but his face was pale and drawn in the firelight. He looked too exhausted to disturb.

‘I’ll just take a quick look and come right back.’

It was probably just a wild animal.

Sharhan took his sword and crept out of the cave. The air was cold, the moonlight dim.

Thunder and Lightning, whom they’d left to graze, were nowhere to be seen. Likely they had wandered far in search of food. They’d come back when full, so Sharhan wasn’t worried.

He walked forward with his sword drawn, ready to strike if anything jumped out. Nothing suspicious appeared. And he was just about to turn back, thinking it really had been an animal, when a small creature darted from the bushes and ran off.

A rabbit.

So it was just a rabbit.

He let out a faint laugh at his own caution, just as he saw Lestel come stumbling out of the cave, wide-eyed and frantic. He looked around desperately, then spotted Sharhan and strode toward him, pale as a corpse.

“Why’d you come out? I just heard a noise outside and–”

Sharhan began to explain, but couldn’t finish. Lestel grabbed him by the collar and kissed him.

The kiss was rough. Lestel forced Sharhan’s mouth open and shoved his tongue in, biting down so hard it made Sharhan wince. His tongue stung, blood was drawn. Sharhan furrowed his brow and pushed him away.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“I thought you left… I thought you really left me.”

“There was a sound. I went to check it out.”

“You should’ve woken me!”

“I wasn’t going far. Just to the entrance. You looked so tired…”

“When I opened my eyes and didn’t see you… do you know how terrified I was? My heart almost stopped! It’s not even thirty steps from there to here, but it felt endless… torturous…”

Lestel’s voice trembled, hands clutching Sharhan’s shoulders. He looked like he was in a full panic.

“I didn’t go anywhere. I’m right here.”

“Shan, don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Please… don’t leave me.”

“I said I won’t.”

“Shan…”

It was like Lestel couldn’t even hear him. Clicking his tongue, Sharhan cupped his face and kissed him. A soft kiss, lips pressed gently together. A kiss meant to convey warmth and reassurance.

Thankfully, Lestel began to calm down. Once his trembling ceased, Sharhan pulled back and looked into his green eyes.

“I’m not leaving, Lestel.”

“…Really? You forgive me?”

“I’m still angry.”

“……”

“But I’ll treat your father, the marquis, as the marquis. I won’t blame you for what he did. You’re not him.”

Like dawn breaking over a long night, Lestel’s expression began to brighten. He moved to embrace Sharhan, but Sharhan stepped back.

“I’m not done.”

“…Go on.”

“I’m still angry. I can separate you from the marquis, but I can’t forgive that you hid it from me. Not yet.”

“…That’s…”

“I said I’m not done. Just listen first.”

He had originally planned to say all this in the morning. But now that they’d started, it felt better to get everything out. Telling Lestel to wait until morning would only make him suffer.

“Alright. I’m listening.”

Lestel licked his dry lips, tension filling his green eyes. The late winter wind passed between them.

“You asked if I was angry because of your bloodline or because you kept it secret. At first, I didn’t know. But it turns out I was angry because you hid it. I’m still angry. I still resent you. But thinking it over in the cave… I think I can understand.”

“……”

“I had my doubts about the marquis too. But I didn’t ask you. I was afraid. Afraid you’d say yes. Afraid the truth would crack what we’d only just begun.”

Lestel stepped closer, just half a step. Sharhan didn’t move away.

After a moment’s hesitation, Lestel reached out and embraced him. The distance between them disappeared in an instant, their chests pressing together.

“I resent you for not giving me a choice. If I had known earlier… maybe I would’ve shut my heart forever.”

The truth was, even if he’d known in advance, Sharhan probably would’ve still accepted Lestel’s love. It would have taken time, hesitation, pain, but he would’ve.

But knowing before making a choice and finding out after you’ve passed the point of no return are two very different things.

“I’m sorry. I was a coward.”

Lestel’s whisper at his ear was low and damp with tears. Sharhan closed his eyes briefly, then wrapped his arms around Lestel’s waist.

“This is the last time I let it go. Never hide anything from me again. Even if it means our relationship breaks. Even if we never see each other again.”

“……”

“You’re not answering. That mean you’ll keep hiding things?”

Sharhan’s voice was cold as he tried to push him away. Lestel flinched and clung tighter.

“I won’t. I promise. I’ll tell you everything.”

“Good. I’ll believe you.”

“So… are you not mad anymore?”

“No.”

“Shan?”

“I said I understand. That doesn’t mean I’m not angry. So no excessive touching for a while.”

Sharhan pushed him away with a serious face. Lestel’s expression was a strange mix of despair and relief.

“Shan, honey?”

Sharhan, lips pressed tight, turned away from the newly revived Lestel and walked back toward the cave.