SWY 94

“…Yeah.”

“Right? So it’s not jealousy after all–wait, what?”

“I said I am jealous. I hate it when anyone looks at you. Just thinking about how many people might have stared at you with desire during the three years we were apart, or how someone else might have touched you and tried to seduce you with sweet words, drives me insane. From the moment you were conceived to just before we parted, I was the only one by your side. It should’ve always been just me…”

Lestel stared straight into Sharhan’s eyes, his deep green gaze overflowing with possessiveness. Sharhan kept scratching at his skin. Even as the surface began to break and bleed under his nails, he couldn’t stop.

“By the way… back then, when someone tried to get close to me to befriend me, and you acted so cold and hostile, was that because you were worried I might make friends while you had none?”

At Sharhan’s careful question, Lestel gave him a look of disbelief.

“Yeah, I was keeping them in check. But not because I didn’t have any friends. I could’ve made them if I wanted. Who do you think I am? Outwardly, I was still the heir to the Ailun marquisate. Do you know how many people were dying to be my friend? Hundreds would’ve come crawling and knelt at a flick of my finger. You were the only one who ever treated me like I was nothing.”

“Then why were you keeping them in check?”

“Honey, are you stupid? Obviously, it’s because I wanted to have you all to myself.”

The words Do you… have feelings for me? tickled the back of Sharhan’s throat. Was it since they first had sex? Or had it started even before that? He couldn’t tell, but Lestel’s words and actions had definitely changed. Or rather, it felt like he had stopped trying to hide them. And yet, he always avoided saying the one thing that mattered most. That frustrated Sharhan and made him want to ask again and again, but he was afraid, afraid that something might change between them if he did. It was ridiculous to worry about changes in their relationship after they’d already slept together, but still.

After all, sex for pleasure and words with genuine feelings were completely different. Physical closeness could be shrugged off, but sincerity in the form of language carried too much weight. Once spoken, it couldn’t be taken back.

More than anything, Sharhan hadn’t even figured out how he truly felt. Their bodies were growing closer, but his heart was in turmoil. He kept telling himself to stop getting physically closer, but whenever Lestel approached, it was hard to resist. His body responded too easily to Lestel’s touch, and it felt like his heart was helplessly being pulled along.

‘Should I just ask? Maybe if I hear Lestel’s answer, I’ll be able to sort myself out…’

Sharhan glanced sideways at Lestel. It used to be that all they did was fight and compete. But now, things were different. What had once been simple had become tangled, like a knotted thread, since they reunited. That made him feel burdened, and sometimes scared. The subtle changes in their relationship were making his head spin with confusion and discomfort. But unlike him, Lestel seemed completely carefree, as if he had no worries at all. That annoyed him.

‘So you’ve messed me up inside while you’ve already made up your mind? You look like someone who’s not struggling or doubting anything. Ugh, infuriating.’

His body had been quickly tamed, and now Lestel was toying with his heart by being just vague enough not to commit. And yet, Sharhan didn’t want Lestel to come at him full force, either.

‘Maybe what’s really pissing me off is that I don’t even know what I want.’

Feeling like it was all Lestel’s fault, he glared at him fiercely.

“Honey, there’s murder in your eyes.”

“Good eye.”

“Why’s my honey so angry, hmm?”

Just as Lestel asked with a puzzled look, Derry, who had been fast asleep, suddenly jolted awake and sat up. He looked around groggily, his face still heavy with sleep and his eyes barely open.

“Is it morning?”

“The sun hasn’t even set yet. How deep did you sleep?”

Sharhan’s voice carried a hint of laughter. Derry rubbed his eyes with a dazed expression and looked around the darkened barn.

“I must’ve been out cold. Is it still raining?”

“Yeah.”

The sound of rain hammering the roof hadn’t let up at all, and the water pouring in through the holes showed no sign of stopping.

“Do you think it’ll stop by tomorrow?”

Derry asked anxiously, listening to the rainfall.

“Let’s hope so. Go back to sleep. We’re going to get some rest too.”

“Yes. Good night.”

Looking worriedly up at the ceiling, Derry lay down again, pulled up his blanket, and was soon softly snoring. Sharhan tossed more chopped firewood into the hearth to keep the flames from dying, then pulled over an extra blanket and layered it over the bedding. As soon as he lay down, Lestel immediately snuggled up beside him.

“Can you not cling to me?”

Sharhan said coolly, but Lestel pretended not to hear.

“It’s cold.”

“We’re using two blankets, and I just stoked the fire. What cold? I’m hot, so get off.”

“If you’re hot, then stay away. Wait–don’t tell me, are you blushing because I’m hugging you?”

“Are you out of your mind?!”

Sharhan snapped and tried to push him off, but Lestel only clung tighter.

“If that’s not it, then just stay still and let me hold you. You always let me cuddle you, so what’s with the sudden tantrum?”

“Tantrum… Ugh, forget it.”

Sharhan had only wanted to sleep apart tonight because he was irritated and overwhelmed by his feelings. But now that Lestel was throwing out ridiculous comments about getting flustered or tantrum, he figured he might as well let it go and pretend the blanket between them was the only thing. Honestly, he was used to it by now, and sleeping in Lestel’s arms wasn’t that uncomfortable anymore.

Pleased by Sharhan’s quiet submission, Lestel pressed closer. His chest, snug against Sharhan’s back, beat with a steady rhythm that Sharhan could clearly feel. And before long, Sharhan’s heart began to beat in time with his.

Thump thump.

Thump thump thump.

Hearing their hearts pounding in unison like a resonance, Sharhan slowly closed his eyes. It was absurd, but in Lestel’s arms, he felt calm.

***

“Is it still raining?”

The next morning, Sharhan blinked groggily and asked as he woke in Lestel’s embrace. Lestel, who had woken earlier and was absentmindedly stroking Sharhan’s sleeping face, said, “Hold on,” and listened. He had forgotten all about the rain while looking at Sharhan.

“Seems like it’s stopped.”

The roof that had rumbled so much during the night was now quiet.

“That’s good.”

Yawning wide, Sharhan lingered a bit longer in Lestel’s arms. Maybe it was the warmth, but he didn’t want to get up.

Habits are scary…

At first, he used to jerk away in disgust when he woke up in Lestel’s arms. But now, he’d gotten used to it and was even lazing around. Just a bit longer, he thought. But the moment Lestel’s hand began to creep toward his ass, Sharhan shot up with a scowl. Only then did Lestel sit up too, looking disappointed.

“It really stopped.”

They’d been worried because the rain had poured on without pause late into the night, but thankfully, the sky was now clear. A crisp, cold breeze blew into the barn through the open door, and not long after, Derry began to stir. When he saw the bright weather outside, he sat up with a cheerful smile.

“It stopped?!”

“Yeah. Let’s eat breakfast and head out. Derry, heat up some water so I can wash up.”

Sharhan washed up quickly using the water Derry prepared. He also didn’t forget to feed the fire with more wood. Helping Derry with breakfast, his movements were light. The clear weather had lifted his spirits.

Breakfast was the same as the day before, cornmeal soup and potatoes. The day after rain was especially chilly, and the hot soup warmed them to their cores.

After their simple meal, they packed up. They took as much food as possible since they didn’t know when they’d get lucky again, and selected a few clean changes of clothes, leaving the rest behind. The added weight of the extra supplies was placed on the saddle of Lightning, the horse meant to carry both Lestel and Derry. After a brief adjustment, the horse adapted to the load and resumed munching on hay.

They waited until both horses had eaten their fill and drank water, then finally stepped out of the barn to survey the area. Nothing seemed to have changed overnight. The rain had washed away some of the soot, but the abandoned village still felt desolate despite the early hour. No predator cries, no signs of life.

“I don’t think any corpses or people came into the village during the night. Still, just in case, Lestel, stay in the back.”

They’d only taken a few steps, weapons at the ready, when–

Clatter.

“…!”

It was faint, but all three of them heard it. They froze at the same time, turning sharply toward the direction of the sound.