Chapter 87 – Overstepping

Fang Zixing received his orders and left to pick up Xu Chun.

Xie Yi got up and instructed Su Huaibei to fetch his outer robe, then added after some thought, “Bring me a Ma Huang Pingchuan Pill.” He glanced at the sky, then said, “Remove two lamps.”

He put on his outer robe and checked himself in the mirror. Seeing that the flush of fever had yet to fade from his cheeks, which still bore a slight redness, he thought it didn’t make him look too terrible. He took a few steps and looked down to see that he was wearing a dark blue satin robe with embroidered silver dragons. After a moment’s thought, he said, “Change my outer robe. Bring the light-colored kudzu gauze robe.”

Wufu, who was attending to him, hurriedly fetched the requested robe, and Xie Yi changed out of the dragon-embroidered one. He looked in the mirror again and saw that there wasn’t much difference compared to how he’d looked when he met Xu Chun before. Liu Shun brought over the medicine for him to take with tea, and the effects came on quickly. His breathing became easier, so he wouldn’t have to worry about coughing embarrassingly later, and then he sat down.

However, he couldn’t settle his mind. He glanced outside at the weather. Although it was drizzling and not raining heavily, he didn’t know how long it would take Fang Zixing to ride out and back. Xu Chun now lived in the palace, so it would be convenient to get clothes for him to change into.

The sound of hooves grew faintly audible, and Xie Yi lifted his eyes slightly. A twinge of regret suddenly struck him—should he have changed into his dragon robe? But it was already too late to do so now. As he was hesitating, he heard the curtain beads jingle, and he looked up. Without time to think, his eyes met a pair that were red from crying.

He froze, his mind blank. All the elaborate principles of the monarch-subject relationship he had prepared vanished, and he could only think, How did he become so thin?

But Xu Chun had already thrown himself forward. He had thrown all protocol out the window upon seeing his familiar yet much thinner Ninth Brother. He rushed straight at Xie Yi and hugged him. “Ninth Brother!”

He didn’t know what to say, only wailing loudly. Like a child who had run away from home and found the door locked when he returned unable to even find his way back, he threw himself forward.

Xie Yi: “…”

What was he supposed to say to this?

His counterpart’s tears flowed endlessly, burying his face in Xie Yi’s shoulder. The tears immediately soaked through the fabric. It was summer, and he was wearing light clothing; he had even changed into a thin gauze robe, so the wetness was very apparent. He held Xu Chun and lifted his eyes to see Su Huaibei and Fang Zixing leading their men away.

He sighed and took a handkerchief to wipe Xu Chun’s face. “Don’t cry. What are you crying for… Let’s talk properly.” He touched Xu Chun’s clothes. Fortunately, he knew he was coming to meet the emperor and had dressed neatly in his bright red qilin robe. Although the outer layer was somewhat damp, the inner layers were fine. Taking off the outer robe would be enough.

Xu Chun took the handkerchief but refused to leave Xie Yi’s embrace. He knelt on one knee and looked up, his voice choked with sobs. “Ninth Brother wouldn’t see me.”

Xie Yi: “…It was you who went to Nanyang first.”

As soon as Xie Yi spoke, he felt that his words sounded resentful, not very upright. He added, “I thought that since you knew my identity, you might be suspicious or fearful. This matter is also my fault. Starting something without finishing it goes against the ways of a gentleman. If we continued, you might fear imperial favor or, in your youth, become immersed in love and submit to me. In the future… you might attract criticism and blame me. It’s better to clarify things now while we can.”

He reached out to grip Xu Chun’s arm. “Get up. The ground is cold. You should take off your wet outer robe and drink some ginger soup.”

Xu Chun’s eyes were bloodshot, and his face was stubborn as he railed, “Ninth Brother is too heartless. Ninth Brother hid your identity first. How could I dare to expose you? During mourning, it was inconvenient to meet. Ninth Brother was busy with state affairs, so I decided to go overseas and see. Ninth Brother wanted to open sea routes, so I took advantage of the opportunity to explore ahead. In the future, I could share the burden with Ninth Brother. I wrote letters to Ninth Brother, so why did you misunderstand me?”

Xie Yi: “…” His heart was full of sorrow, not knowing how to respond to the teenager’s relentless questioning. He simply admitted his fault. “It was Ninth Brother’s fault.”

Xu Chun didn’t relent. “Ninth Brother didn’t accept my letters, but you sent guards to me. You gave my cousin an official post and sent a mentor over. Thinking you would bestow the thousand-year merit on me, was that considered boundless imperial grace? But when I was with Ninth Brother, was it for those reasons?”

He thought about it and realized that since Ninth Brother had given him all this, it seemed ungrateful to be so unappreciative. But at that moment, his heart swelled with emotion, and he still felt wronged, not knowing how to explain that he had entered court to help Ninth Brother. But when Ninth Brother really gave him a task, he felt as though he didn’t understand good intentions.

He couldn’t articulate why he was so angry or why he had originally thought of the emperor’s grace when he hadn’t seen Ninth Brother. But the moment he saw Ninth Brother, all his grievances welled up. He sobbed, unable to utter a coherent argument. Emperors truly ruled with kindness and authority, taking all the advantages. He didn’t even know what he was wronged about!

Xie Yi sighed deeply. “If I continue to mislead you, it would be even more of a mistake…” He paused as he saw the youth lift his eyes to look at him. Those cat-like eyes, washed clear by tears, glared fiercely, clearly unhappy to hear such grand principles.

Indeed, Xu Chun leaned in and boldly kissed Xie Yi’s lips. The sensation of tasting honey with the edge of a blade made his heart race wildly. He gripped Xie Yi’s shoulders, thinking that after tonight, he might never see Ninth Brother again. He could kill him or exile him, but he would never regret it! He kissed Xie Yi fiercely, tears still streaming down his face.

Xie Yi was startled by his lunge but could only reach out to support his waist, slightly opening his mouth to avoid leaving any marks from the young man’s chaotic bites. Although surprised, he wasn’t shocked by the youth’s unexpected actions during moments of passion. At that moment, he sighed inwardly… a complete defeat.

He had known all along that he couldn’t bear to see him, that he was his downfall. Previously, his heart had been moved by the sweet words in letter after letter. His reason told him that this was where it should end; they should return to being monarch and subject. But he still traveled a thousand miles by ship to Fujian when he learned Xu Chun was sick.

During the lantern festival, he caught a glimpse from afar and suddenly felt a chill. He loved the other person so deeply that he was afraid to approach him.

If Xu Chun saw him, would he be pleasantly surprised and call him Ninth Brother, or would he be terrified and kneel in obeisance? His cousin was warmly accompanying him, and his closest relatives were in Fujian. No matter what, he would only smile at him for the sake of the entire Sheng family. But if he saw fear in his eyes, what would this thousand-mile journey mean?

Could the emperor’s love be borne? History books were filled with accounts that didn’t end well.

He had never imagined that there would be times he was afraid to see Xu Chun.

Buddhism says that because of love, worry arises, and because of love, fear arises. When his heart stirred, his reason warned him, but he was momentarily confused, dragging the other party into an unbearable situation. Now that the other party had discovered his identity and avoided him, he had chased after him a thousand miles. What was he trying to accomplish?

He questioned his own heart. Was he becoming a tyrant?

So he had no choice but to retreat clumsily, even fearing that the other party would discover him. Even now, he dared not tell Xu Chun that he had once left the capital on a snowy night, traveling by sea for days to arrive in Fujian. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to approach under the dim lantern lights. He bared his heart and soul, asking himself under the moonlight what he should do if he truly cared for this young man.

Let me be the heartless betrayer who started something without finishing it.

Yet the youth had cast aside the splendid future that had been arranged for him, leaving behind the family that doted on him, and traveled a thousand miles to return. Filled with hot-headed enthusiasm, he took the imperial examinations.

He had to admit that when he saw the neat and strict examination papers, his heart was already thoroughly defeated.

Only he knew how much time this naturally free-spirited youth must have spent picking up his scattered Confucian knowledge, learning the polished transitions and employing the grand principles of country and heaven. He learned to use the set phrases for praising the emperor that other officials used proficiently to write essays that met the square and proper requirements of the imperial court. He worked hard to trim away the vibrant branches that didn’t conform to orthodoxy, transforming himself into a so-called “pillar of society” to be by his side.

He had seen too many imperial audiences. He had ascended the throne as a child and began reading memorials as soon as he understood them. He had dealt skillfully with far too many ministers older than him. He had long told himself that subjects were loyal to him as a matter of course. He was the Son of Heaven, appointed by heaven.

But only the youth in front of him respected and loved him because he was Ninth Brother.

He held Xu Chun’s waist and raised his head to respond to Xu Chun’s kiss. Xu Chun felt Ninth Brother’s response and became even more passionate. Xie Yi slowly patted his shoulder to comfort him, waiting until he calmed down a bit. Their lips parted, and he whispered softly, “Alright, go change your clothes first, then we’ll talk.”

Xu Chun quickly undid his robe and belt, even removing his shoes and socks, standing barefoot. Looking at Xie Yi, he had only one thought in his mind: Ninth Brother is now humoring me to send me away. Tomorrow, with one imperial decree, I’ll never see Ninth Brother again.

Xie Yi assumed he had calmed down and stood up from his seat, walking out as he was straightening the wrinkles in his clothes caused by Xu Chun. He thought about calling Su Huaibei to come in and help Xu Chun tidy up.

But he saw Xu Chun standing there looking at him, his gaze like that of a desperate lone wolf. He was slightly stunned and smiled to reassure him. “Change your clothes first and have some hot soup…”

Xu Chun came over again, hugging Xie Yi and pushing him onto the soft couch behind the screen. He bowed his head. “Ninth Brother, do me the honor. Then tomorrow, even if you chop off my head, my life will have been worth it.”

Xie Yi felt a pang of pain and pity. “Don’t demean yourself like this. How could I treat you like that?”

Xu Chun looked at him, his expression full of accusation and disbelief, but he reached out to undo Xie Yi’s outer robe. He was only wearing a single-layer gauze robe, which opened easily, but Xu Chun suddenly froze. Under the lamp, Xie Yi’s shoulders were thin, his bones protruding. There were spots of red on his skin, marks left by moxibustion. He had tended to Xie Yi’s toxic wounds and was all too familiar with them.

He wanted to touch but didn’t dare, whispering, “Ninth Brother, are you sick?”

Xie Yi gently adjusted his clothes but pulled Xu Chun close, guiding him to lie beside him. His hand felt the arm ring digging into Xu Chun’s arm through the thin gauze. He reached out to stroke it gently. “It’s a small cold. I’ll recover in a few days. Don’t worry. Stay with me and rest.”

Xu Chun turned over, finding a familiar position, leaning against Xie Yi’s chest. He whispered, aggrieved. “Then tomorrow, will you send me to the Guangdong Maritime Customs Office? Or some remote corner? The emperor’s will is unpredictable. I can only thank you for your grace?”

Xie Yi sighed and explained. “You’re not in Fujian, and you’re skilled in economics. If you insist on entering court, you won’t achieve anything substantial in the Ministry of Revenue. I chose the Maritime Customs Office for your benefit. As a fifth-grade official, serving as the chief officer at the customs office will allow you to build a solid record of achievements. I’m planning to gradually withdraw the resident eunuchs, and the customs offices will be staffed by local officials. But I haven’t found suitable officials to replace them.”

Hearing this, Xu Chun murmured, “But I want to stay with Ninth Brother.”

Xie Yi said, “The Ministry of Revenue is all paperwork. Every day involves calculating grain supplies and dealing with provisions from all over the country. You won’t learn much there, only picking up bureaucratic habits. The Maritime Customs Office is most suitable for you. How about the Tianjin Port Customs Office? It’s close to the capital, and you can come back anytime.”

Xu Chun looked at him doubtfully. Xie Yi was somewhat helpless, knowing he had hurt the boy badly this time. He didn’t trust him anymore.

He slowly stroked his eyes, where the lashes were still wet, and the eye circles were red. He didn’t know how long he had been crying. He took a light blanket and pulled it over both of them. “I’m not joking with you. If you don’t believe me, stay in the palace for a few months. After Mid-Autumn Festival, I’ll send you out. How about a three-year term? Once you’ve accomplished something, I can promote you when you return.”

Xu Chun was delighted. “Ninth Brother is willing to let me stay in the palace?”

Xie Yi said, “Just come over from the Bamboo Branch Workshop. I’ll have Fang Zixing bring you in, and you can sleep in my bedroom. Alright?”

Xu Chun was hesitant. “Ninth Brother won’t blame me for overstepping?”

Xie Yi was both amused and exasperated. Now he remembered the crime of overstepping? He didn’t know how to explain those grand principles to Xu Chun. All his carefully prepared arguments were useless. He could only say, “Now that you’re going to serve the emperor, you must be loyal. But if you tell me tomorrow that you regret it and want to return to being mere subject and emperor, that would be considered overstepping.”

Xu Chun wrapped his arms around Xie Yi and fell silent, but he kept his arms tightly around him. They embraced each other, hearing the occasional chirping of cicadas outside, the croaking of frogs, and the alternating sounds of insects. Suddenly, Xu Chun heard the faint sound of raindrops. He lifted his head to see the rainstick he had given hanging above the bed. The wind blew, creating a rustling sound of water.

His heart softened, and he leaned closer to Xie Yi’s shoulder, whispering, “It feels like last year at the villa.” Back then, he only felt that their relationship was strong. Having achieved his wish, he felt blissful and complete, not seeking everlasting happiness, only desiring present joy. That was enough for a lifetime.

He never expected that a year later, he would make a shocking move, ungracefully clinging on and refusing to let go, risking his life to force the emperor to give him a promise. He realized that unrequited love was so bitter and painful, and letting go wasn’t as easy as he had imagined. Since he had experienced it, how could he easily give up? He couldn’t help but be insatiable, wanting more than he already had.

Xie Yi gently stroked his forehead, checking if he had a fever. He whispered, “Sleep for a while.” Why choose such a difficult path?