TOPWL 179

Khalid had just stepped out of the tent when Yudit finally pulled on his trousers. The ointment had smeared on the fabric, making it sticky, but it was still better than sitting bare-bottomed in Khalid’s tent. When Khalid came back in and saw Yudit with his trousers on, he let out a sigh.

“I told you to stay as you were.”

“This is better.”

Yudit shrank back, worried he might try to pull them off again. Khalid just shrugged as if to say, “Don’t worry.”

“Who was it?”

“A servant. He brought some water for washing.”

He gestured toward the basin filled with gently rippling water. Khalid assisted him, making it easier to wash while Yudit remained on his stomach. After brushing his teeth with salt and rinsing off, he felt as refreshed as if he’d taken a shower. Once Khalid finished wiping his face with a towel, he asked,

“Would it be better if we slept separately tonight? You might hurt yourself if you toss and turn.”

Yudit thought for a moment, then shook his head.

“Let’s sleep together.”

At another time, he might have chosen to sleep apart, but not now. In uncertain times, he wanted to stay close whenever possible.

“Alright. Let’s do that.”

“Are you going to sleep right away?”

“Even if I can’t fall asleep, lying down is better. I need to recover my strength.”

Khalid, now lying on his side, lifted the blanket slightly. The inviting gesture made Yudit squirm a little before curling up in his arms. Khalid smelled wild and intense after a day of battling the wind. The scent of sand and wind clung to him. Yudit buried his face in Khalid’s chest and inhaled deeply. With every breath, his body slowly relaxed. He wished he could just drift off like that, but the memory of today’s events kept him fully awake.

“Can’t sleep?”

“I just… have a lot on my mind.”

He’d managed to keep up for the first half, but by the end, he was completely drained. Khalid had taken a break afterward, but Yudit couldn’t help feeling like that was his fault.

“Have a warm cup of tea. It’ll help.”

Yudit tried to stop him, but Khalid had already gone to fetch the kettle. When he returned with the warm tea, Yudit accepted it with a troubled expression. It warmed him up inside, but also stirred him up. Lying down with the lights off, Yudit mumbled beside Khalid.

“I’ve been relying on you for everything, from start to finish.”

He let out a long sigh.

“Makes me wonder what the point of all my training was.”

Whether it was because he was an omega or because of the poison he’d been forced to take for years, Yudit had never been able to build much stamina. Even a little running left him breathless, and he tired twice as fast as others. Still, he hadn’t let that stop him. He’d worked hard to build what strength he could, and he thought he’d done okay. But now he’d fallen apart after just one day. It wasn’t even a battle or a fight, just riding horses through the mountains.

“You’ve been thinking about that this whole time?”

Khalid gently patted his back. The tender voice nearly brought tears to Yudit’s eyes, but he held them back with effort.

“Today was a tough schedule. We left late, and we pushed hard to reach the destination. The horse wasn’t familiar either. It’s only natural you’re worn out.”

“But if it had been you, you wouldn’t be tired, right?”

That wasn’t what he’d meant to say, but it slipped out anyway, sounding like a complaint. Yudit bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut.

“You’re comparing yourself to someone who spent ten years in war?”

“I know it doesn’t make sense. But… I’m going to have to lead soldiers soon too, and next to you… the comparison just…”

He trailed off, burying his face in the pillow.

“I know I shouldn’t be saying this. I guess I’m just… anxious.”

The words came out muffled. Khalid continued patting his shoulder gently.

“You’ll get used to riding, and your stamina will build. You’re using muscles you normally don’t, and you’re tense. That’s all.”

Hearing that, Yudit realized the truth, he’d said all this just to hear those words. When had he become so dependent on this man? His face grew warm again.

“…Okay.”

“And you’re already doing better than I did on my first campaign.”

“What happened?”

Khalid looked at him for a moment before answering.

“I was so nervous I fell off the horse I’d ridden for two years and had to take a cart to the battlefield.”

“…Seriously?”

“I wouldn’t lie about something that embarrassing.”

Yudit knew that, but still – it was hard to imagine someone like Khalid, who handled horses like they were extensions of his own limbs, ever being that awkward.

“How old were you?”

“Thirteen… maybe fourteen? My birthday hadn’t passed yet, so probably thirteen.”

“You were just a kid.”

Yudit gaped in disbelief.

“Yeah. Looking back, I was really young. But back then, I didn’t have a choice. I was so scared someone would kill me, I had nothing left but desperation. I hurt a lot of people because of that.”

“I can’t even imagine.”

What must it have felt like to be pushed onto a battlefield at thirteen? His heart must have been a warzone too. Yudit was struck again by the fact that nothing Khalid had now came easily.

“I wish I could meet that Khalid.”

“What would you do for him?”

“I’d just… want to hold him like this.”

Maybe if someone had offered that young boy a little warmth, his past wouldn’t have been so cold.

“For the record, I was already bigger than most grown men at thirteen.”

“Mm, then I guess holding you wouldn’t have worked.”

“Still, I wouldn’t have said no.”

Khalid tapped the tip of Yudit’s nose with a finger. A subtle tension bloomed between them. Yudit swallowed dryly. The tent was thin… but a kiss should be fine, right? He closed his eyes with that thought. He could feel Khalid’s breathing tighten. His heart raced in anticipation of lips brushing his own, but even after a long wait, nothing happened. Just as he began wondering if he should open his eyes, he felt a kiss land on his forehead. It was so brief he wasn’t even sure it happened.

Yudit blinked. Khalid smiled and sat up.

“I remembered something I have to do. Get some sleep.”

Without waiting for a reply, he strode out of the tent. Yudit stared blankly at the entrance long after he was gone.

“……”

So, Khalid had just rejected his kiss? No, he had kissed him, on the forehead. But still… he usually gave more, not less. Maybe he was just tired. With the weight of command on his shoulders, it was understandable.

Trying to convince himself, Yudit curled back up. But the space Khalid had just left suddenly felt far too empty.

***

“……”

It hadn’t been a misunderstanding. Khalid didn’t touch him at all after that. Every time Yudit tried to initiate a kiss or reach for his waistband, it was no use. Had he come on too strong? Eventually, Khalid started avoiding him altogether. He claimed he was busy, but even when he’d been busier before, he’d still spent time with Yudit.

“Is the food not to your taste?”

Selena’s question jolted Yudit back to reality, like cold water poured over his head. Her plate was scraped clean, but his still had a generous helping of stew. He quickly took a big spoonful and shook his head.

“No, it’s delicious. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“You’re nervous about the campaign, aren’t you? I mean, since I’m going too…”

“No, no. Don’t say that. If you do, I might lose my appetite completely.”

Unintentionally, his words hit hard. Selena pouted but didn’t push it further.

“I guess it’s the camping. We’ve been roughing it for days now…”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Truthfully, camping wasn’t so bad. The servants pitched the tents and prepared Khalid’s quarters, and Yudit just needed to add a cot beside his. The real issue was Khalid. He hadn’t been coming to the tent. He said he was spending the night on a cot in the meeting hall after staying up late for discussions, but the hall was barely a minute’s walk away. It was clearly just an excuse.

Yudit didn’t know why he was avoiding him, but he was sure it was because of him.

“At least tomorrow we get to stay at an inn.”

Selena’s voice rose with excitement. Yudit, who’d been poking at his food, brightened immediately.

“That’s right. I’d forgotten about that.”

“I’ve been counting the days until we could sleep in a real bed. I can’t wait to bathe and relax.”

She smiled with anticipation, and Yudit felt the same. He made a firm decision: the moment they arrived at the inn, he’d take a long, hot bath.