Chapter 10 – Xing Bolin

Jiangluo:

I love you.

It’s late at night on October 28th, and you’re sound asleep right now, looking so peaceful that I can’t tear my eyes away from you.

But I dare not look anymore; I fear that staring at you will make me change the decision I’ve struggled to make.

Do you remember our first meeting? You had just started college, dressed in a black herringbone tweed coat. It was snowing heavily that day. After the meeting ended, you quickly left with your hands in your pockets, carrying a backpack and keeping your head down.

At that time, I thought you must be a hard person to get along with, uninterested in everything around you. Yet, I couldn’t understand why someone like you would join club activities.

I was curious about you; your unique aura was very attractive to me.

However, I never imagined that you were like me. As a result, we wasted the best years of our lives during those four years of college.

Fortunately, destiny has a way of bringing people who are meant to be together. No matter what, we could not be separated.

After graduating from university, I pursued my postgraduate studies while working. In my second year of employment, I unexpectedly met you at the entrance of the office building next door.

You probably don’t remember what you looked like back then, but I remember it vividly.

It was only when I saw you that I believed there truly exists such a person in the world: when they appear, the entire world becomes a backdrop.

In that moment, my eyes saw the world as a mere setting for you.

You remained quietly amidst the crowd, as if all the noise in the world was irrelevant to you. You saw me too, first surprised, then smiled at me.

That day, I decided that you were the one for me, thinking that no matter what, I had to pursue you.

How many times have I confessed to you? Have you ever counted? I can’t recall anymore.

Because I was consistently rejected politely, I even began to give up on the idea of being with you. It wasn’t that I stopped loving you, but rather, I felt that you genuinely didn’t love me.

A forced relationship is never sweet. I told myself this every day back then, trying to convince myself to let go.

But every time I saw you, I still wanted to give it another try, hoping that maybe next time you would say yes.

Thankfully, my persistence wasn’t in vain. When you held my hand, I was stunned for a long time, expecting your usual rejection.

Looking back now, I realize how foolish I was back then, but it was a blissful kind of foolishness.

If only there were such a thing as a pill for regret in this world. If there really was, I might be holding you and sleeping peacefully right now.

Jiangluo, do you believe me when I say that I only love you? I hope you still believe these words after reading this letter.

I deeply regret my actions, so much so that I’ve decided to end my own life. I can’t face you anymore, the thought of your future heartbroken and disappointed gaze is unbearable.

I’ve come to realize that losing something is more terrifying than not having it at all. I have a premonition that I’m about to lose you.

When you read this letter, I will certainly be dead. It’s my due punishment; please don’t cry for me.

I failed to keep my promise, and I don’t dare to ask for your forgiveness. Nor do I dare to linger around you with any hopeful psychological tricks.

There are too many things I fear: I fear you discovering what I’ve done, I fear you confronting me, I fear you leaving me. It’s better to leave before you find out, before you hate me to the core. This way, I’ll forever remain your boyfriend.

Jiangluo, isn’t it laughable for me to say “I’m sorry”?

But I am truly sorry…

I had sex with someone else, some random person.

That day, I went drinking with my colleagues, from a KTV bar to a regular bar.

I won’t use the excuse of being drunk, because I knew I wasn’t. That was merely an attempted justification I had prepared for when you found out. I couldn’t resist temptation due to physical needs.

My colleagues were each occupied with their own activities, while I drank alone.

That day, you were on a business trip, likely on a plane at that time. And I, I took someone home with me.

It was the first time, and immediately after, I regretted it.

When you returned from your business trip and noticed a missing sheet at home, I gave you some excuse. You didn’t suspect anything, but the truth was that it got dirty. Looking at the sheet stained with sweat and semen, I wished I could die right away.

I threw it away; it was evidence of my mistake.

I thought it wouldn’t happen again, at least, I didn’t allow myself to do it again.

How much I loved you equaled how much I regretted my actions. Every day, I longed for an eraser that could wipe away the disgusting marks on my body.

However, I overestimated myself.

Later on, I engaged in a relationship with that person again.

Yes, not just once, and I didn’t even know his full name.

After shamelessly repeating my mistakes continuously, I finally received my punishment.

Those days, I had a persistent fever, and you were extremely worried, urging me to go to the hospital for a check-up. You woke up in the middle of the night to take my temperature, unable to sleep well for consecutive nights.

I really don’t dare to think about it anymore, Jiangluo. Do you hate me?

I know this is cruel to you, but I still have to tell you. I’m selfish, wanting to feel better before I die.

Jiangluo, I know I’ve inflicted a wound on your heart, and I can’t make it up to you in this lifetime. If there is indeed an afterlife, I’m willing to serve you as a cow or a horse.

I owe you, and I’m truly sorry.

Perhaps my previous life was too smooth sailing, and encountering such an event, I had no idea what to do.

I can’t recover, Jiangluo. The incubation period of this disease is uncertain, varying from person to person. I never expected that after being infected for only half a year, I would already show symptoms.

I wanted to spend more time with you, to see you more often. But later on, I dared not even hug you.

I have to die because that ugly specter of death has knocked on our door.

This home, from an empty house to its current warm appearance, was built by us together.

Forgive me for not wanting to leave here, forgive me for insisting on dying here.

This is our home. Even if I can’t die by your side, please let my soul linger here a little longer.

It’s raining outside, drizzling. The house feels a bit cold. I just went to the bedroom to tuck your blanket in for you.

Your sleeping posture is adorable. I want to kiss you, but I don’t dare to.

Even when I wasn’t sick, I didn’t dare to kiss you, let alone now.

Jiangluo, honestly, the biggest regret of my life is probably not being able to kiss you properly.

I’m not blaming you; I just love you too much, yet I discovered that I could never truly possess you.

It’s not you who’s sick, it’s me.

What’s wrong with me isn’t just my body, but also my mind.

I’m a bad person, a thoroughly rotten person. I shattered your illusion of a beautiful romance and then irresponsibly left.

Right now, I’m kneeling here writing this letter to you. I’m not begging for your forgiveness; I just want you to know that I’m truly sorry.

However, it doesn’t matter what I say now.

I only hope that after my death, you can live well. Don’t cry, because I’m not worth shedding tears over.

Also, perhaps my death will not be a pretty sight. I’m trying to make my death more painful, which can be considered a punishment for myself. I deserve to be torn apart, but doing it myself is somewhat difficult.

I haven’t figured out exactly how to do it yet. I’m not trying to scare you intentionally; I just want to atone for my sins.

To atone with my pain.

There may be a lot of bloodshed. Let me indulge in this last whim, taking a gamble.

Do you know what my bet is?

You know, don’t you.

Jiangluo, I love you. Will you believe me?

Fate has given me only one path, but you have two options.

If I win this bet, you might follow me someday. Then, in the afterlife or in the netherworld, I’m willing to offer my flesh and blood to you. You can punish me however you want.

But if I lose this bet, please, live well. You can hate me, you can forget me, but don’t let yourself stay in the shadows, unwilling to move forward. I’m not worth it.

I really hate myself. Why couldn’t love conquer that shameful desire?

Jiangluo, I miss you so much, even though you’re sleeping not far from me right now. Still, I miss you.

I seem unable to reach you. Your breathing is so light that I have to hold my breath to sense your presence.

I want to hug you so badly, I want to wake you up and kiss you without any reservations.

I love you so much, but I…

I deserve to die. Everything is a result of my own doing.

I want to find a knife to carve your name onto my chest, but that would cause bleeding, so I can’t do it now.

Jiangluo, if you see my corpse, remember to unbutton my shirt and take a look.

Tomorrow, before I die, you and I are together.

Love,

Bolin

October 29th, 2016, 01:28 AM