Chapter 17 – Li Jiangluo 0.8

Weighing myself this morning, I found I’d gained three pounds.

Auntie was delighted and started cooking for me again, which left me feeling somewhat embarrassed.

I was supposed to be staying here to take care of them, yet it seemed they were the ones looking after me.

I seemed to have become the only idle person at home, with Brother Baichuan busy with work, Auntie focused on improving my health, and Uncle engrossed in his new hobby of gardening, sometimes talking to the flowers.

With the year coming to an end, a fresh start awaited after the New Year. Perhaps I really should start planning for myself.

During Christmas, Xu Zhao came to see me and apologized, leaving me unsure how to react.

“It was my impatience,” said Xu Zhao, serving me some food, although I had no appetite for it.

Recently, I’ve been spoiled rotten; although my appetite has improved significantly, I’ve become quite picky.

“Don’t you want to eat? How about we order something else?” Xu Zhao raised his hand to call the waiter, but I stopped him.

“I’m not hungry, no appetite,” I poured myself a cup of tea, the ordinary barley tea served in restaurants, which smelled quite fragrant.

“You look much more spirited today,” Xu Zhao put down his chopsticks. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking? Are you planning to live with the Xing family from now on?”

I didn’t particularly want to discuss these matters with Xu Zhao. After a moment of silence, I deliberately changed the subject: “You haven’t given me my Christmas gift yet this year.”

Xu Zhao has always been good to me, making sure to prepare a gift for every holiday, even on Children’s Day, which was rather awkward. But now, bringing it up served as a good way to divert the conversation.

He was taken aback, probably not expecting me to ask for a gift outright, since he usually just thrust them upon me.

“You…” He smiled. “The gift is in my car. I’ll get it for you when we leave.”

I nodded, suddenly unsure what to talk about next.

“My mom asked about you a few days ago. She wants us to go back together during New Year’s Day.”

Xu Zhao’s feelings for me were likely known to his mother as well. In previous years, I would visit her during the Spring Festival, considering she had always been very caring towards me. After she learned that I had a boyfriend, she often mentioned, either intentionally or unintentionally, how Xu Zhao refused to date. I understood her meaning, but there was nothing I could do about it.

“I won’t intrude on your time. This year, with Bolin away, I want to spend more time with his parents.” I was too careless, inadvertently circling back to the topic.

“Jiangluo, I know you have a soft heart and feel that Bolin’s death had a significant impact on his family, so you want to look after them. But that doesn’t concern you, and even…” Xu Zhao paused, taking a sip of tea. “Remember what I told you? He might have wanted to harm you before he died. Is someone like that worth your concern?”

Xu Zhao brought up what I most wanted to forget. Ever since the first day Bolin and I were together, he lacked a sense of security, fearing I would leave him. Shouldn’t it have been the opposite?

Shouldn’t I have been the one afraid of losing him?

What was going through Bolin’s mind before he died, carving my name with such a heavy heart, only to never see me again?

It all remained a mystery, unsolvable.

“It’s worth it,” I said firmly. “You wouldn’t understand. Many things aren’t as you think, and moreover… my affairs, I will decide for myself.”

I stood up, grabbing my coat. “Before I left, I promised Uncle I would buy two new flower pots for him. I’ll head out now.”

As I put on my coat and walked out, I tried to appear resolute, wanting Xu Zhao to realize that I had my own thoughts and could make decisions for my life.

Truthfully, I felt guilty towards him. For so many years, he wasted all his time and emotions on me, leaving me both touched and remorseful.

Touched, but without feelings. We could never be together.

“Jiangluo!” He rushed over, grabbing my wrist. “Wait for me. I’ll settle the bill and then drive you home. Wait for me.”

He ran to the cashier, occasionally glancing back at me while paying.

He feared I would leave, a feeling of unease I could probably understand.

I stood by the door, obediently waiting for him.

I didn’t think it necessary for us to part ways on bad terms or never speak again. There wasn’t any intense conflict between us; I simply wouldn’t accept his so-called “for your own good.”

He approached after finishing payment.

“Next time, I’ll treat you,” I said. “After New Year’s Day, I’ll start looking for a job.”

We slowly made our way to where his car was parked. Xu Zhao said, “It’s time to get back on track. You graduated from a prestigious university, you should aim high.”

But internally, I didn’t think so. Now, I had no lofty aspirations, only seeking enough to get by. The notions of achieving greatness and grand plans held no interest to me.

Arriving beside his car, Xu Zhao opened the door while saying, “Here’s your Christmas gift. I hope you like it.”

He pulled out a large bouquet of roses, red as fire.

Passersby turned their heads, leaving me feeling incredibly awkward, wishing I could find a crack in the ground to hide in.

I was ill-equipped to handle such situations, knowing I couldn’t accept the roses.

“I’ve long wanted to give you roses, just as I’ve long wanted to say I love you,” Xu Zhao advanced, the flowers between us, pressed against our chests. “Jiangluo, I love you. Be with me.”

I began to hear ringing in my ears, my heart racing, and the urge to flee.

I didn’t want to hurt Xu Zhao, but I couldn’t agree to him either.

After much hesitation, I looked up at him and said, “No, Xu Zhao, I can’t.”

Indeed, I couldn’t. My lover had just passed away; how could I accept another’s affection and roses?

But even if I hadn’t had a partner, I doubt I would have accepted. At this moment, Bolin provided a convenient excuse.

“Bolin just died, I can’t…”

“I can wait,” Xu Zhao attempted to force the roses into my hands, causing me to retreat hastily, trying to maintain distance.

“No, thank you.” I was already at the roadside, with passing vehicles behind me. “Xu Zhao, I didn’t want to say this, but… even if Bolin hadn’t been around and I stayed single, I still wouldn’t be with you. I consider you family. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and precisely because of that, I can’t be with you. I don’t love you, so I’m sorry.”

After saying this, I turned to run, only to discover Brother Baichuan’s car parked right behind me.

His window was open, a cigarette in hand, he said to me: “Jiangluo, get in the car. Let’s go home.”

I climbed into Brother Baichuan’s car like a fleeing soldier, too panicked to even look back.

I was too flustered, closing the door twice before it latched properly, then forgetting to buckle my seatbelt.

Brother Baichuan, with a cigarette in his mouth, leaned over to fasten my seatbelt.

My eyes stared straight ahead, hearing him mumble: “What happened? Did he confess to you?”

Ash fell on me, and he gently blew it off, glancing at Xu Zhao standing outside.

I clenched my fists, not wanting to speak, nor did I want to see Xu Zhao’s expression.

He must have been deeply disappointed and upset. I was sorry, but it was something I had to do.

I didn’t buy the flower pots for Uncle because Brother Baichuan took me straight to his company.

He had merely stepped out for business during lunch and happened to pass by. Mentioning going home earlier might have been for Xu Zhao’s benefit.

His company here was small, with fewer than twenty people, occupying a floor in an office building outside the Fourth Ring Road. It was said that the rent was slightly lower here, though it was likely still not cheap.

“You can use my computer to surf the internet here, or read any book from the bookshelf over there. I have a meeting to attend, so I won’t accompany you. If you need anything, you can ask the receptionist,” Brother Baichuan was busy but still poured me a glass of water and brought over a blanket. “It’s a bit chilly here, don’t catch a cold.”

After these instructions, he hurried off to the adjacent conference room. I sat on the sofa, watching through the glass door as his company was filled with young people. Each person carried a laptop, discussing something seriously with grave expressions.

I suddenly recalled a few months ago, when I was just like them, working hard and striving to live.

Looking at my current situation, although I was better than when Bolin had just passed away, it was indeed true, as Brother Baichuan said, that I shouldn’t be this way.

My phone rang, startling me. Afraid of disturbing others’ work, I immediately switched it to silent mode.

It was a message from Xu Zhao, still apologizing, offering me time to move on.

I didn’t know how to respond to him anymore. No matter how long he waited, his place would never be that of my lover.

I didn’t reply to Xu Zhao’s message. When faced with something I couldn’t resolve, I often chose to avoid it.

Taking a couple sips of water, I went to the bookshelf to find a book.

Coincidentally, Brother Baichuan also had “Love in the Time of Cholera.”

Holding it, I returned to the sofa, a blanket draped over my legs, and flipped through the pages until I found where I had left off.

Since Bolin’s death, I hadn’t read a book because I couldn’t calm my mind.

However, during this entire afternoon in Brother Baichuan’s office, I finally finished the book and, consequently, achieved a long-awaited tranquility.

This peace came from within. I believed I would never forget this afternoon, sitting in this slightly chilly office, watching the sun gradually set outside the window, dyeing the room a warm orange. The world began to seem gentle and beautiful once more.

Perhaps, this time, I was truly healed. Time was cruel, yet powerful, dragging me forward. In just two months, it had dulled the pain in my heart.

Suddenly, I felt incredibly guilty towards Bolin. My heart didn’t want to emerge from that shadow, but my mind was gradually becoming clearer.

I stretched, pouring myself another cup of hot water.

Standing in front of Brother Baichuan’s office’s large window, I looked down at the bustling traffic below.

I remembered how, right after Bolin’s death, I almost jumped from the balcony of the hotel’s twenty-seventh floor. It was Brother Baichuan who called out to me then.

Now, I was somewhat grateful, grateful that I was pulled back then.

So, humans are indeed ruthless. I thought I would love Bolin until my dying breath, but now that he was gone, in just two short months, I was actually relieved that I was still alive.

I was ashamed of such thoughts, yet simultaneously comforted.

A commotion sounded outside as their meeting finally concluded.

Turning around, I saw Brother Baichuan speaking to a young man wearing a work ID badge in the corridor. Noticing my gaze, he turned to look at me.