Chapter 19 – Li Jiangluo 0.9

Brother Baichuan asked us where we wanted to go for New Year’s Eve. I’m a person who doesn’t have many ideas; when I was with Bolin in the past, he would decide on these things and then ask me for my opinion.

Of course, I wouldn’t have any objections; as long as it was somewhere he wanted to go, I was willing to accompany him.

We had been to Seattle, Hawaii, Bangkok, and Santorini. Last winter, after reading some article, he suddenly said he wanted to go to Arctic Village.

Unfortunately, we were both very busy with work later on. We had planned to take our annual leave together at some point and go there, but it never happened.

“Does Jiangluo have any place in mind?” Auntie made tea and poured a cup for each of us.

I was lost in thought, but her question startled me.

Actually, I really wanted to go to Arctic Village. This season should be freezing cold, but that was where Bolin wanted to go.

But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. A place that cold might be too much for Uncle and Auntie’s health, and I didn’t want to be a burden to them.

“I’m fine with anywhere. You guys can decide,” I actually thought about letting their family of three go out for New Year’s Eve. During this time, I had always been intruding on their family life. Although they treated me well and I tried to take care of them, I was still an outsider.

“Baichuan, do you have any suggestions?” Uncle asked while watering the plants.

Brother Baichuan was drinking tea. Hearing Uncle’s question, he thought seriously and said, “Do you want to travel domestically or abroad?”

“Domestically,” Auntie said, “New Year’s Eve should be spent in one’s own country, right, Jiangluo?”

I thought she was worried that I felt neglected and that they didn’t care about my thoughts, so she kept wanting to hear my opinion.

After she asked, I nodded.

“In that case, I’ll look over the next few days for places worth visiting within China. At this time of year, everywhere will be crowded.” Brother Baichuan glanced at the time, stood up, and said, “I’m going to the gym. Jiangluo, do you want to come along?”

I had no interest in working out. Compared to that, I preferred spending my time reading books or listening to music.

But Brother Baichuan was completely different. He loved working out. In his words, he was too busy with work during the day, and only when working out could he truly relax and maintain his figure.

I shook my head and smiled, saying, “I think I’ll pass. I get scared just entering a gym.”

He laughed loudly, ruffled my hair, and said while walking out, “Just like Bolin!”

When he said that, we all fell silent for a moment. Auntie broke the awkward silence first.

“Don’t forget to buy salt when you come back tonight, or you’ll just be having clear soup for dinner!”

Brother Baichuan left, and I had nothing to do, so I went back to my room to look at online job listings.

After New Year’s Day, I was going to start looking for a job. Although it would be difficult to find a suitable job before the end of the year, I’d take a look anyway. Who knows, maybe I’d find something good.

I casually browsed through the listings and found a template for an electronic resume to fill out.

Since Bolin left, my thoughts had hardly been on myself. Now, while filling out the resume, I suddenly realized that I was also a living, breathing person.

I also needed to earn money to support myself and take every step forward carefully.

The pain Bolin brought me was locked away in a small room in my heart. As long as it wasn’t constantly brought up, it would eventually be sealed away.

I thought that I probably wouldn’t forget him for the rest of my life. I didn’t know if I would stop loving him, but I certainly wouldn’t forget him.

All the best love and most passionate love I had given was to that bastard, and he left me so irresponsibly. How could I forget?

The happiness we shared when we were together, the despair I felt seeing his corpse, and the anguish of wanting to devour the torn-up will—I would remember all of it.

I couldn’t forgive him, just as I couldn’t indulge myself anymore.

Since love was unattainable, I would live a good life.

I filled out the resume carefully. I swore that when I graduated and looked for a job, I hadn’t been this cautious with my resume.

I yearned for a good job, fantasizing that it could save me and help me escape this gloomy state of mind.

For some reason, after submitting my resume, my mood improved significantly.

Perhaps it was because I genuinely believed that life would get better, even though it was somewhat self-deceiving. But I was quite satisfied with how I looked now.

At least, I was making an effort, wasn’t I?

Dinner was prepared by me, with Brother Baichuan assisting.

We made beef soup and stir-fried three dishes.

After dinner, Brother Baichuan said to me, “Want to go for a walk?”

I was lazy, and if it wasn’t necessary, I really didn’t want to move.

“Go ahead,” Auntie patted my back, “I’ll wash the dishes. You two go out for a stroll.”

With Auntie’s instruction, I obediently stood up.

Brother Baichuan handed me a coat and found a scarf for me. “It’s windy outside, tie it around your neck.”

I took it somewhat embarrassedly. Actually, I had my own, but I just didn’t know where it was.

We went out together. I had a feeling that he wanted to talk to me about something, and Auntie knew what he wanted to say.

Sure enough, as soon as we left home, Brother Baichuan asked, “Has Xu Zhao contacted you again?”

I buried my face in the thick woolen scarf, leaving only my eyes exposed, and secretly smiled before pretending to be indifferent. “He called a few times, but I didn’t answer.”

“Hmm…” His hands were in the pockets of his coat, and he walked forward with his head down.

The wind was really strong tonight. I was somewhat annoyed that he chose such weather to go out.

I quickened my pace to catch up with him and discovered that standing beside him helped shield me from the wind.

Brother Baichuan was taller than me and had a more muscular build. Standing together, he was clearly much more manly than me.

Especially now, although I had gained some weight back, I was still too thin.

I didn’t like my current appearance, so to avoid frustration, I stopped looking in the mirror altogether.

He seemed to sense my thoughts and subconsciously turned sideways to block the wind for me. I pretended not to notice and just looked straight ahead as I walked slowly.

“Xu Zhao came to see me once,” he suddenly spoke again.

When I heard that, I felt a bit uncomfortable. Xu Zhao had been acting strange recently, nothing like his usual self.

Based on my understanding of him, once I refused him, he almost never repeated the same thing. Just like when I was with Bolin, he was unhappy, but after we talked, he never mentioned anything related to my relationship again.

This time, I really didn’t know what had gotten into him.

“Jiangluo, I think I should still ask you about your thoughts,” he said.

“What?” I thought he was going to ask me about my feelings for Xu Zhao.

“Do you really want to live with us?” Brother Baichuan stopped and looked at me. The streetlights in the neighborhood were a dim orange color, and the strong wind made the bare branches sway back and forth.

I also stopped and turned to face him.

“Why did you suddenly ask that?”

He said, “It was a hint from Xu Zhao. I realized that I forgot to ask for your opinion.”

I frowned, and he continued, “At the time, I just thought that living together could provide comfort for each other, but I didn’t consider whether it was suitable for you. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be like that,” my heart was racing, afraid that he would suggest I live alone. “I like being with you guys.”

What I said was true. The warmth of a family that I had longed for so many years was something I only experienced after Bolin’s death. I cherished it and maintained our relationship with great care.

Every step I took was cautious, for fear of causing trouble and upsetting them. The family, who should have been more miserable and in need of care than me, were always concerned about me. Besides gratitude, I didn’t know what else to say.

I had thought about leaving them since the beginning, but it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with them. On the contrary, I cared about them and was afraid they disliked me.

“It was you who said,” I looked at him, “we’re family.”

He must have smiled, but the wind was too strong for me to hear clearly.

There was about half a step between us. He walked over, put his arm around my shoulder, and started walking forward. “Alright, let’s drop this matter. Now tell me the truth, do you have a place you want to go for New Year’s Eve?”

I lowered my head again. It was always a little embarrassing to have someone see through your small thoughts.

“There’s nothing you can’t say,” Brother Baichuan squeezed my shoulder hard. “I’m curious about the kind of place you would want to visit.”

“The Arctic Village,” I said, “Brother, do you know about Arctic Village?”

The northernmost town in China, where you might see the Northern Lights if you’re lucky.

“Arctic Village?”

“Yeah,” he seemed unaware, so I explained, “Bolin mentioned he wanted to go before. He wanted to see the Northern Lights and experience the polar day and polar night.”

“Then we’ll go to Arctic Village,” Brother Baichuan sighed deeply and forced a relaxed smile. “We’ll bring Bolin with us.”

In the freezing cold, I felt a bit guilty watching Auntie’s nose turn red from the cold.

But she seemed to really like it here, taking pictures of each other with Uncle.

Of course, they also had Bolin’s photo in the pocket of their chests.

The tour guide said that we came at the wrong season; the Northern Lights are easier to see before the summer solstice.

“It’s alright, we’ll just try our luck,” Brother Baichuan pulled me forward, and we stepped on the thick snow with every step.

We were at the northernmost point of China, continuing to walk north. Supposedly, the “northernmost point” could only be reached on foot.

We walked and rested, and although it was cold, we worked up a sweat.

Uncle and Auntie couldn’t keep up their stamina, so they found a farmhouse to rest and said they would wait for us there.

I followed Brother Baichuan and the tour guide, who had been talking nonstop about the history of Arctic Village along the way, and we continued forward.

After walking for about twenty minutes, I saw a stone monument.

The tour guide said, “This is it!”

Brother Baichuan and I walked over, and before we could steady ourselves, we heard the tour guide say again, “To be honest with you, this is only the nominal northernmost point. The real northernmost point of China is 90 kilometers from Arctic Village at the shallow waters of Wusuli. It’s inconvenient for you to go there, so… ha ha, just consider this the northernmost point!”

After hearing his words, Brother Baichuan and I felt cheated.

But the money we paid couldn’t be refunded, so we had to accept it.