Chapter 25 – Li Jiangluo 1.2

I secretly wrote an elder brother Baichuan a New Year’s card. There was nothing special in it; I just told him that this gift should be kept confidential because neither Uncle nor Auntie knew about it.

I deliberately placed the gift at his door just like he did when he gave me an apple on Christmas Eve. This way, we wouldn’t have to talk face-to-face, which made it easier for me to give the gift.

Originally, when I came back at noon, we had plenty of time alone, and I should have given it to him then.

It seemed that giving a gift in person was more sincere.

But I still couldn’t do it. After hesitating several times, the gift was almost out of my pocket, but I put it back again.

I’ve always been like this, lacking courage in the face of anything.

Actually, today, I felt awkward.

Going to the company to give dumplings to my colleagues, I wasn’t very familiar with them, but they were all very sunny and playful people. Elder brother Baichuan usually wasn’t too serious with them either, and perhaps privately, they were more like friends.

When the two of us left the company to go home, I heard someone jokingly call me “Boss Lady.” At that moment, my heart leaped up to my throat, and my fingertips turned cold.

I didn’t know why that person would say such a thing. Was it something I did that led to their misunderstanding, or was it because of elder brother Baichuan…

Elder brother Baichuan shouldn’t be the reason, after all, I’m Bolin’s lover.

Even though Bolin isn’t here anymore, he wouldn’t possibly have any thoughts about me; that’s impossible.

Fortunately, elder brother Bolin didn’t take that joke seriously either and didn’t come to explain anything to me. Otherwise, the atmosphere might have become quite awkward. I wasn’t sure if I could face this matter calmly, especially fearing that elder brother Baichuan would misunderstand me. If that happened, I really wouldn’t be able to face him.

Perhaps, I should find a chance to chat with that colleague and let them know not to make such jokes in the future.

It’s already past two in the morning, and I don’t feel sleepy at all.

Sitting on the bed, flipping through the messages Bolin sent me on my phone from before, there were so many that I couldn’t even scroll to the end.

I searched and found that last year during the Spring Festival, he sent me a long message.

At that time, I was alone at home while he went to accompany his parents.

He knew that no one was with me, so after he returned, he kept chatting with me on WeChat. I heard Uncle and Auntie tell him to invite me to spend the New Year together, and he asked me with a smile if I wanted to come. I declined.

Not that I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t know how to properly interact with elders.

Throughout my life, what I feared most was facing these elders.

However, now it seems that I get along very well with Bolin’s parents because they are truly the best parents I’ve ever met.

I also thought about how great it would be if my family could be like this. If it were true, I wouldn’t have seen that scene when I was young, wouldn’t have been left with an indelible psychological trauma. Then, I would be like millions of ordinary people. I could love the person I liked, we could hug, kiss, have sex, and whisper my love to him when drenched in sweat.

So, who should I hate?

I prepared a New Year’s gift for Bolin as well.

It was a handwritten letter.

Unlike the card I gave elder brother Baichuan, this was a real letter, two full pages long.

Apart from longing, it was all about memories. I discovered that when I put pen to paper, all the grievances hidden in my heart couldn’t be written down.

I still didn’t want Bolin to know that I blamed him, still hoping that he would be fine in another world.

I found a prepared iron basin and burned the letter for him.

The room filled with smoke, choking me until I coughed nonstop.

Watching the letter burn bit by bit, my heart slowly sank.

When the fire went out, my heart became calm.

Lying back in bed, my mind was blank.

Outside, there were still faint sounds of fireworks. Some families probably wouldn’t sleep all night.

I lay there for a while, my palm once again touching my crotch.

It seemed normal there, indeed, there was nothing wrong with it. The problem was with me, with my heart.

Still feeling so much pain, even if I put aside Bolin’s death, I still felt so much pain.

This pain originated from within me, and the only savior was a liar. Would I really never be able to love anyone again?

I felt reckless and suddenly had the urge to hurt myself.

What would happen if I forced myself to have sex?

Would I die?

I frowned tightly, and my stomach churned at the thought.

Suddenly, my phone rang, startling me.

I picked it up and saw that it was Xu Zhao.

He was strange as well; he hadn’t contacted me these days. I sent him a greeting message at midnight, and he was only replying now.

A long message, just like the one Bolin sent me last year.

He said he missed me, saying that he went to a bar to drink alone on New Year’s Eve.

I was a bit worried; he didn’t go home for the New Year tonight.

If what Xu Zhao said in his message was true, then I was the culprit who turned him into this.

Holding the phone, unsure if I should call him.

Right now, I really didn’t want to see Xu Zhao because I didn’t know how to face him, but after all, we still had years of friendship. Moreover, I tried to clarify things with him.

Other than the Xings, he was still my best friend and elder brother.

I hesitated for a long time before finally calling him.

However, it took a long time for the call to be answered, and the voice that came through made me frown.

It was a stranger’s voice, panting and asking who I was. This gave me a bad feeling.

Sure enough, before I could speak, Xu Zhao’s voice came through.

Drunk, he urged the boy to hang up the phone.

Then, there was the sound of kissing.

I quickly hung up the phone, suppressing the nausea in my heart, thinking that Xu Zhao had lied to me as well.

He wasn’t alone; he wasn’t alone.

I guess I was sulking, but I didn’t know if I was angry at Xu Zhao or myself.

I took off my pants and gripped that organ in a fit of rage.

I jerked it hard, like a madman, but it didn’t react at all, and I couldn’t help wanting to vomit.

My mind was filled with the images I saw as a child, my father, the best gift of my childhood.

When I came back from the bathroom, I saw elder brother Baichuan standing outside my room.

He looked at me expressionlessly, making me nervous.

I guessed that he probably didn’t know about my crazy actions just now. I tried to hold back from making any noise.

So, if that was the case, why did he come to me?

Could it be for that cufflink?

“Wanted to have a chat with you. Should we go to your room or you come to mine?” His tone was flat, revealing no emotion.

Thinking about the ashes of the burnt paper in my room and the blanket and pillow I had thrown to the ground in excitement earlier, I said, “Let’s go to your room.”

He nodded and went in first.

My heart was filled with questions. Judging by his appearance, he didn’t seem to be thanking me for the gift.

Following him inside, I didn’t ask anything and waited for him to speak.

Elder brother Baichuan stood with his back to me, seemingly lost in thought for a long time before letting out a long sigh. He opened his computer and said to me, “Sorry to call you over so late to work with me.”

“Huh?” I never expected that he would call me over for this. It was completely unexpected.

Embarrassedly, he smiled and opened a document. “The file sent by the other party, I’ve read it once. It seems to have no major issues, but there are still points that need further discussion. You should take a look too. After all, you can’t always be my assistant. If you want to go out and work on projects independently in the future, you need more practice.”

I stood there stupidly, still unable to react.

Water droplets from my damp hair rolled down my cheek and neck, flowing coolly onto my chest.

He reached out to pull me over, gripping my wrist tightly.

Dumbfounded, I was pressed by him to sit on the chair. He stood behind me.

“Read carefully, don’t space out, don’t think about anything else. After reading, tell me your thoughts.”

Confused, but since he said so, I could only follow suit.

I had already read this file before, but the other party made some modifications to certain details. After I finished reading, I turned around to call elder brother Baichuan and found him smoking while looking out the window.

Perhaps I was so engrossed in reading that I didn’t notice when he lit the cigarette.

I just stared at him, feeling that he was the same, burdened with heavy thoughts.

Now, I was almost certain that he didn’t simply call me over just to read this file. Because this wasn’t something urgent, there was no need to call me to read it overnight on New Year’s Eve. Moreover, if it was just to read the file, why did he look so troubled?

I called out to him, “Brother.”

He froze, turning to look at me. “Finished reading? Tell me your thoughts.”

“Do you have something else you’re looking for me about?” I was unusually honest.

He paused, the ash from the cigarette in his hand fell onto the windowsill.

I stared at him, feeling an unprecedented bravery.

“Just say whatever it is. You’re making me uncomfortable like this.” I felt that it probably wasn’t good news, otherwise, he wouldn’t look like this.

In my heart, elder brother Baichuan was different from Bolin and Xu Zhao. He seemed to possess all the good qualities of those two, attentive, gentle, mature, and gentlemanly. He was the type who would address problems head-on, just like on New Year’s Eve, none of us dared to mention Bolin’s name, but he could.

He was always leading us forward. I thought that he must have something important, which was why he was acting this way.

We looked at each other, and he finally nodded, taking a deep breath of the cigarette, then said to me, “Jiangluo, when I went to find you earlier, your door wasn’t closed properly.”

In that instant, cold sweat poured out from every pore of my body. I had completely forgotten, only remembering that I opened the window to let the smell dissipate after burning the paper.

So…

I didn’t lock the door, and the wind blew open the door of my bedroom?

I stared at him in disbelief. His eyebrows were furrowed, and I wondered if it was my illusion, but I could see the stubble on his chin turn green.