Chapter 26 – Xing Baichuan 1.2

I don’t know what’s truly best for Jiangluo.

Every time I think he’s getting better, I inadvertently discover that he isn’t.

His problems aren’t just about the pain of Bolin’s passing; they also stem from long-term physical and mental unhealthiness.

I originally wanted to thank him in person for the gift, but instead, I caught a glimpse through the door of something unbelievable.

I know that eavesdropping isn’t something a gentleman does, but it reminded me of Jiangluo’s previous episode where he was devouring paper like a madman.

While I can’t empathize fully, I know that he’s always in pain.

This issue can no longer be avoided; we must confront it.

“Jiangluo, you might think I’m overstepping my bounds, invading your privacy, but I still want to try and talk to you about it.” I put out my cigarette and sat on the bed, carefully choosing my words several times before speaking, “Have you ever gone to the hospital for a thorough checkup regarding your condition?”

I looked at Jiangluo, who seemed to be trembling, his head down, his hands clenched into fists.

To be honest, I felt I was being too intrusive; after all, there’s actually no real connection between us. But I didn’t want to see him continue suffering, a perfectly good man living in agony and struggle.

I was afraid, afraid that one day Jiangluo would become another Bolin, rooted in our world only to leave us forever.

He didn’t respond to me, and I didn’t dare push him. This was already beyond my bounds.

I stood up and gently patted his back, saying, “If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t force you. Are you tired? Why don’t you go to sleep early?”

He remained motionless, and I began to worry.

I crouched in front of him, placing my palm against his hand.

Jiangluo’s hands were ice-cold, as if he had just returned from an icy wilderness. I started feeling uneasy, thinking I might have made a mistake.

“Jiangluo, are you alright?” I asked softly, then tried to warm his hands, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

This is how it feels when you mean well but do something wrong.

I was extremely regretful, berating myself relentlessly for prying into someone else’s privacy.

“Jiangluo…”

“Brother Baichuan.”

He suddenly grabbed my hand, and when I looked up, his lips were quivering.

I quickly held his hand and reassured him, “It’s alright, Jiangluo. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you.”

He stared at me, looking incredibly sad.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to hug him, to comfort him like I would a wounded child, telling him there’s nothing to fear, that I’m here for him.

But I couldn’t.

He looked so anguished, his eyes red with no tears spilling, his lips seemingly bitten until they bled, and his grip on my hand was so tight that his nails dug into my skin.

“Jiangluo…” I whispered his name again.

“No,” he softly uttered these two words.

I was taken aback for a moment before realizing that this was his answer.

He took deep breaths and slowly released my hand.

He said, “When I was seventeen, I saw a doctor once. That’s when I learned that there was such a condition.”

He let go of me, laying his palms flat on his thighs, staring at the back of his own hands.

I lifted my hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead. Since he was willing to speak about it, it was a good sign.

“Is it a psychological disorder?” I boldly asked him, somewhat fearful of triggering another reaction from him.

But this time, he didn’t react negatively; instead, he nodded slightly.

I had been squatting for too long, and my legs were numb, so I stood up to rub them, then sighed.

“Jiangluo, did you and Bolin never try to find a solution?”

He shook his head again.

During this period of interaction, I’ve gained some understanding of Jiangluo. He tends to avoid problems, while Bolin was never the type to delve deeply into others’ minds. Perhaps after they got together, he didn’t even know the cause of Jiangluo’s illness.

In their five-year relationship, my brother was quite the boyfriend.

“Bolin never dared to bring up this matter,” Jiangluo sounded better, his voice less shaky, “When we first started dating, he asked me once what caused it. I didn’t tell him then, and he never asked again.”

I have no right to inquire about the cause of Jiangluo’s illness, but I thought perhaps I should help him.

“If there’s a chance for treatment, are you willing to give it a try?” I tentatively asked.

He hesitated, clenching his hands again.

Before his reaction became too intense, I interrupted his thoughts and pulled him into a hug.

Jiangluo probably didn’t expect me to make such a move, and his entire body tensed up.

I gently stroked his hair and told him, “You can take your time to think about it. There’s no need to rush to answer me. If you’re unwilling, I won’t force you. But if there’s ever a time you want to give it a shot, I’ll do everything in my power to assist you.”

He didn’t say anything, his breathing uneven.

I released him, placed my palm on top of his head, and smiled, saying, “Don’t feel burdened. This is what family is supposed to do for each other.”

Jiangluo went back to sleep, and I wondered if he could really fall asleep.

I suffered from insomnia, my mind filled with images of him sweating and clenching his fists.

My hand was scarred by his fingernails, dotted with blood.

It certainly hurt, but it was also somewhat cathartic.

I knew that these minor marks were insignificant compared to the pain in Jiangluo’s heart. I wanted to see him get better—not just his appetite or weight, but his mental health.

A person is truly healthy only when their mind is healthy.

But I was also aware that his problem had existed for many years, and solving it overnight was impossible.

I checked the time and sent a message to a friend on my phone.

Regardless of what Jiangluo decides, I’ll prepare everything I can for him.

After everything was arranged, I finally lay back in bed.

When I turned my head, I saw Bolin’s photo on the table, his face bearing a striking resemblance to mine, smiling brightly.

I shifted my gaze, closed my eyes, but still couldn’t erase the image of his helpless and frantic appearance from my mind. How desperate must a person be to behave like that?

Suddenly, I felt lost, unsure if I was being too attentive to Li Jiangluo.

I slept until noon, woken up by my mother calling me for a meal.

I woke up with a splitting headache from staying up late the night before.

My father was watching a rerun of the Spring Festival Gala, engrossed in a sketch that wasn’t particularly funny.

Seeing me come out, he beckoned me over.

“Dad, what’s up?” I stretched, glancing around but not seeing Jiangluo.

“You should water those flowers later. I’m too lazy to do it.”

I felt a bit helpless, sitting down next to him to watch the dull program.

My mother came over to urge me to wash up, and I casually asked, “Hasn’t Jiangluo woken up yet?”

“He said he had a headache and went out for a walk,” my mother pulled me up, “Hurry and wash up. Jiangluo should be back soon. Let’s get ready for the meal.”

I was pushed into the bathroom by my mother. When I came out, Jiangluo had just returned from outside.

In his arms was a small white dog.

My mother was the first to notice, rushing over immediately, “Oh, whose little one is this?”

Jiangluo was a bit embarrassed, carefully holding the puppy, “I found it on the roadside. There’s a dog tag tied around its neck.”

“Hmm? A dog tag?” I joined in the fun, walking over to them just as my mother read the words on the dog tag.

“Unable to care for, grateful for adoption?” My mother was delighted, taking the puppy directly from Jiangluo’s arms, “Poor thing, abandoned at such a young age.”

With the arrival of the puppy, my mother stopped urging me to eat.

Jiangluo and I exchanged glances at the door, giving each other a helpless smile.

During the meal, my mother found a small shoebox, placed the puppy inside, and gave it some food, which the little guy devoured eagerly.

I turned around and noticed Jiangluo staring at it in a daze.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Jiangluo smiled and said, “Even something so adorable gets abandoned. Humans are truly terrifying.”

After he spoke, our whole family looked at him.

He hurriedly apologized awkwardly, “That’s not what I meant…”

“You’re right!” My mother gave him another dumpling, “But that’s only a part of people. There’s another part like us who are good people.”

My mother loved to praise herself, but it was undeniable that she deserved the accolades.

I always felt that I had the most fortunate family in the world—my brilliant twin brother, my warm and kind parents. Later, my fantasy was shattered, but it was only partially broken. Then, that broken part was glued back together by Jiangluo.

After dinner, my parents fussed over the puppy, while I remembered to return to my room to work.

Jiangluo followed me upstairs and knocked on my door.

“Brother, I have something I want to talk to you about.” After he went back, I suspect he didn’t sleep at all. His dark circles were severe enough to make me worry.

“Come in,” I moved aside to let him in, then closed the door and said to him, “You didn’t sleep?”

He shook his head, standing there somewhat awkwardly.

“What’s the matter?” I guessed he was coming to talk about treatment. Given his personality, I figured he would choose to avoid it again this time.

However, a few seconds later, I realized I was wrong.

This time, Li Jiangluo defied expectations, bravely taking a step forward.

“That thing you mentioned, I want to give it a try.” He whispered the last few words so softly that I could only discern them through his lip movements.

He lowered his head again but quickly raised it once more.

“Brother, I want to give it a try,” he raised his voice, his voice slightly trembling, “Even if it doesn’t work, it’s fine. At least this time, I tried, and I won’t have any regrets.”

The Li Jiangluo in front of me was possibly the most admirable moment since I met him. Although he appeared weary, his eyes sparkled with determination.

I took two steps forward and gently pulled him into an embrace.

“It will be alright,” I said, “You need to believe in yourself. All difficulties will be overcome.”