Chapter 29 – Li Jiangluo 1.4

Yi Li said, “Have you ever thought about death? I’ve thought about it more than once.”

I didn’t say anything at the time, but inside, I was nodding.

Me too.

More than once.

After leaving Yi Li’s office building, I didn’t call Brother Baichuan, not on purpose, just forgot.

My mind was consumed with Yi Li’s words, lost in my own world, unable to escape.

“Jiangluo.”

I looked over at the sound, and Brother Baichuan was standing by the roadside looking at me.

At his feet, a little white puppy was crouching, wagging its tail at him with its head tilted up.

For some reason, the sight of Brother Baichuan instantly relaxed me.

I walked over, and the little dog cocked its head at me.

“Where did this little pup come from?” I squatted down and stroked the little guy’s head; it was soft, and it licked my palm.

“Just watching it for someone.” Brother Baichuan also squatted down, handing me a bag.

A square black paper bag, inside was a box.

“What’s this?” I took it, confused.

“It’s a gift for you.” He ruffled my hair and said to me, “Today was your first day of treatment, it’s a reward for you.”

He didn’t ask any questions about the treatment process, after giving me the gift, he turned back and picked up the puppy onto his lap.

It seemed that one of his hands could cover most of the puppy’s body, the little fellow’s paws were gripping his pants, and its pink tongue was licking his fingers nonstop.

I looked down at what was in my hand and said, “Brother, I can’t keep accepting your gifts.”

“Just take it,” he said, “later you can find opportunities to send me more gifts.”

His words left me no choice but to laugh helplessly, so I thanked him first and didn’t rush to open the gift.

Not until my legs had gone numb from squatting did the puppy’s owner finally return.

It was a cute little boy, chubby, holding a box of dog food in his arms.

“Thank you, Uncle!” The little boy looked up at Brother Baichuan, who was holding the puppy, put the dog food in his cap with a backward hand, then stretched up on his tiptoes and reached out both hands to take the puppy.

Brother Baichuan pinched his chubby little face and said, “Remember, don’t randomly leave your dog with others to watch, if you meet a bad person, when you come back, it’ll be gone!”

The little boy laughed and said, “I know, I let you help because I saw you were a good person!”

“How did you know he was a good person?” I interjected.

The little boy turned to me and said, “Because he’s different from others, after he knew what my puppy’s name was, the way he looked at it was like how my mom looks at me.”

I laughed at the child’s words, glanced at Brother Baichuan, and asked the little fat boy, “What’s your puppy’s name?”

“Jiangjiang!”

The little fat boy thanked us and ran away, hugging the puppy.

I kept replaying the little boy’s words in my head.

That puppy was called Jiangjiang, so what?

Could it be that Brother Baichuan thought of me when he saw it?

Should I be happy or should I be angry…

I went with Brother Baichuan to get the car, and my phone’s event reminder rang again.

I turned off the sound, feeling somewhat anxious.

“Brother Baichuan.” I stopped the person beside me, hesitated, and told him, “I suddenly have something I can’t go home for, you go back first.”

“What happened?” He asked in confusion.

I knew he was worried about me, but today’s matter was something I had to do, and I wanted to do it alone.

“It’s nothing, I just suddenly remembered there’s an important thing I haven’t done.” I put the gift he gave me back in his hand, “Can you take it back for me first, I’ll go now, I’ll probably be home in the afternoon.”

This was probably the first time I ran away without considering his feelings.

Hailing a taxi on the roadside, I didn’t dare look out the window, because there was still a person standing there, watching me.

“North City Cemetery, thank you.”

Perhaps people tend to be overly sentimental; although the weather had been clear, when I arrived at the cemetery, I found it was overcast.

Subconsciously, I took it as the heavens also becoming sad.

Outside the cemetery, I bought a large bunch of lilies, her favorite flowers in life.

Since Bolin died, I rarely came here, if it wasn’t for her anniversary today, I probably still wouldn’t have come.

I’m very unfilial, I know.

It’s not that I didn’t miss her, it’s just that I didn’t dare to see her.

Every time I stepped into this place, my mood would plummet, all the memories I didn’t want to recall would resurface at this moment, they were terrifying, like nightmares that couldn’t be avoided.

Having not visited for a long time, everything was still the same here.

I bent down to place the lilies before her tombstone, and when I lifted my eyes, I saw the black-and-white photo on the tombstone.

The young woman was smiling beautifully, but I felt she was crying.

Her short life, her brief love, partly filled with deception, the other part madness.

They say those deeply in love are the most unlucky, perhaps they’re talking about people like her.

Tricked by the husband she loved so much for so many years, one night of despair, she went mad.

A beautiful woman, prone to madness at any moment, was my dearest mother.

After their divorce, those nights when she held me and cried for hours, I remember clearly.

I remember her death clearly too.

I wiped the grime off her photograph with my fingers and apologized to her, “Sorry, it’s been a while since I came, are you angry?”

I always felt the temperature at the cemetery was a few degrees lower than in the city, and the wind chilled to the bone.

I lit a cigarette, stood before her grave, and had a lot I wanted to say to her.

“Bolin’s dead, have you seen him?” Bolin had also been buried, but not in this cemetery, rather in the south of the city, in the opposite direction, “Probably wouldn’t recognize each other even if you met, huh.”

After all, I hadn’t had the chance to introduce them to each other yet.

“Probably around October,” I took a hard drag of the cigarette and then blew out the smoke into the air, “I thought I’d die with him, because you weren’t here anymore, I didn’t have any meaning in this world.”

Another gust of wind blew, tilting the flowers before her tombstone.

I bent down, straightened the flowers, and the sky was so gloomy that it felt like snow would fall soon.

“But now I’m grateful every day,” I continued, “at the time, I was glad I held back, when I tried to jump off the building, I was pulled back.”

I paused, suddenly unable to recall what Brother Baichuan said to me when I tried to jump from the hotel balcony.

“Mum…” I held the cigarette between my fingers, looking into her eyes, “I think I’ve met my savior.”

This was the first time I seriously considered the significance of Brother Baichuan to me; I think I found the right words to describe it.

Savior, a completely different person from Bolin.

Back then, due to love, I revered Bolin as a savior, but later discovered that the savior was simply a liar.

He even wanted my life.

But now, Brother Baichuan has repeatedly saved my life.

He pulled me back from the balcony, pulled me out of despair, and now, he’s trying to pull me out of the years of gloom.

I thought shamelessly, if I had met Brother Baichuan instead of Bolin back then, would things be better now.

I was frightened by this sudden thought, half-smoked cigarette slipping from my fingers.

I fled the cemetery, taking any path available.

When I left, I didn’t even dare to look back, fearing my mother would hear my vile and dark thoughts.

I was disappointed in myself, ashamed to face everyone.

It’s always difficult to hail a cab in the area near North City Cemetery, and the taxi that had brought me here had already driven away.

With no choice, I walked along the road toward the city, not far before my phone rang again.

The caller was Brother Baichuan.

“Brother.”

“Want to go home?” He asked me.

“Mm…” I looked at the empty road ahead and said, “Maybe it’ll take a bit longer.”

Suddenly, there was a honk behind me, I turned to look, and it was Brother Baichuan’s car.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t rest easy, so I followed you.” He didn’t hang up the phone, neither did I, “but I didn’t go in, I waited outside the whole time, you…”

He paused, stopping the words he was saying, stopping the car as well.

I stood about ten meters away from him, turning around to look at him.

Separated by the air, separated by glass.

“It’s snowing,” I said.

Light snowflakes really began to fall, melting the moment they landed on the back of my hand, icy cold, leaving a small puddle of water.

“Yeah,” he responded, “this is probably the last snow of this winter, it’ll warm up soon.”

Spring was almost here.

Brother Baichuan and I returned home together, holding the gift he gave me, I went into the bedroom.

I suddenly found myself unable to face him properly, feeling incredibly awkward.

I probably knew why, because at my mother’s grave, I actually wondered what if I had met him first…

This thought was filled with guilt, nauseating.

I tried hard not to think about it, took the box out of the bag.

The beautifully wrapped gift box, untied the ribbon, removed the wrapping paper, I slowly opened the lid.

It was a watch, brown strap, the same color as the strap on my previous watch.

Just that, this one was likely much more expensive.

That watch was the gift my mother gave me for my coming-of-age, very cheap, but I treasured it for many years.

I remembered how yesterday, before leaving his office, my watch strap suddenly broke, never expecting he would remember.

No card, no note, just a watch lying quietly.

I sent a message to Brother Baichuan.

I said: Thank you for the watch, I will treasure it.