Chapter 35 – Li Jiangluo 1.7

I’ve started having insomnia again, and I ended up smoking an entire pack of cigarettes last night.

My craving for cigarettes had lessened during the recent period, but it spiraled out of control after I decided to move out.

Brother Baichuan probably doesn’t want me to leave, always showing a side of him that’s completely different from his usual self when we look at houses.

He’s picky and critical, which is quite amusing.

But he hasn’t said anything about wanting me to stay, so I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.

I’ve already been a bother to them for so long. The borrowed warmth of a family is something I’ll have to return sooner or later. It’s better to do it now rather than later, when I might be too deeply entangled to pull away. That would probably be very painful.

The rental agreement has already been signed, and I can move in next week.

It feels a bit too quick; I haven’t had time to memorize every corner of this home.

I stayed awake until dawn, and today, I have to tell Uncle and Auntie that I’m moving out.

My alarm went off at six, and I got up to make breakfast.

Around seven, the little one ran over, circling around my feet.

Auntie woke up, came over, and sniffed the pot, smiling as she said, “Much better than your brother!”

I suddenly felt a pang of sadness because soon, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy such mornings anymore.

“Auntie.” I hesitated, unsure if saying this early in the morning was a downer, but I finally mustered the courage. If I didn’t say it now, I might put it off indefinitely.

“Hmm?” Auntie was in a good mood, serving everyone food and teasing me, “Why are you being so hesitant? Is there something you can’t tell me?”

I still found it hard to say, staring at the plate in my hand. After a pause, I said, “I’m planning to move out next week.”

I heard the sound of a ceramic bowl hitting the table. Auntie must have been standing beside the dining table, her back to me.

She didn’t speak, and neither did I, and we remained in this tense silence.

The kitchen door opened, and Brother Baichuan walked in.

“The food is ready,” he said, but then realized the atmosphere was off. He froze for two seconds before suddenly asking me sternly, “Jiangluo, did you tell Mom?”

He had never spoken to me with such severity and coldness, as if I were a bad child who had done something wrong.

I didn’t dare look at him, my eyes still fixed on the empty plate in my hand, biting my lip.

Auntie broke the standoff first, telling Brother Baichuan, “How dare you talk to him like that! Why are you scaring Jiangluo?”

She came over and gently patted my back, saying tenderly, “Child, did we do something to make you uncomfortable? Auntie will apologize, okay?”

My tears flowed immediately, and I set down the plate, turning to hug Auntie.

It was like hugging my own mother.

She kept patting me lightly, soothing me, “Good boy, tell Auntie what happened. Why are you crying?”

I felt sorry, knowing I must have upset her again.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I made the decision to move out myself. The problem is mine. I just want to live alone.”

I didn’t dare say more, didn’t dare tell the truth. How could I admit that I was too attached to this family, even harboring possessive feelings towards Brother Baichuan? I couldn’t continue indulging in such shameless behavior, so I had to leave.

Brother Baichuan left the kitchen, and Auntie didn’t say anything else. Her tears wet my shoulders through my thin pajamas.

Brother Baichuan didn’t wait for me to go to work together. I thought he must be angry with me.

I was used to riding to work with him every morning. Suddenly, I had to take the bus alone, and I felt awkward.

People really are like that, easily killed by their habits.

Holding onto the bus rail, my mind was in a mess, thinking that after I really moved out, I would have to go to work alone like this every day.

After I arrived downstairs at the company, I bought two buns and a bowl of porridge and brought them upstairs. Brother Baichuan hadn’t eaten breakfast before leaving, and he must be hungry sitting in his office now.

I arrived early, and no one else was there yet. The usually noisy office area was still asleep, waiting to be awakened for another busy day.

I went to his office with breakfast and knocked on the door. Brother Baichuan was slumped over on the table, either sleeping or lost in thought.

He looked up at me, expressionless, his eyes revealing no emotion. This made me feel nervous.

I was in the wrong regarding this morning’s incident. We agreed that he would be the one to talk to Auntie and Uncle about my moving out, hoping to ease their sadness. But I broke the rules, confessing impatiently. His anger was justified.

I raised the breakfast in my hand somewhat nervously, speaking softly, “You didn’t eat breakfast.”

He stared at me for a moment, then seemingly showing impatience, said, “Don’t want to eat.”

“But…”

“I’m tired. Go out and close the door for me.”

He slumped back down, burying his face in his arms.

I felt terrible, realizing for the first time that the distance between us was so great.

I wasn’t particularly special to him; he could be gentle or cold.

I still went in and placed the breakfast on his desk, then whispered, “If you get hungry, warm it up in the microwave before eating. I’ll go out now. Call me if you need anything.”

The moment I closed the glass door of his office, I suddenly wondered if I wouldn’t be able to hold this job much longer?

Would all our connections be severed, and then, he would become just a small memory in my long life?

At this thought, my heart tightened.

Look, human possessiveness is truly terrifying. Something that doesn’t belong to you, something that shouldn’t belong to you, after getting used to having it, you mistakenly believe it’s yours.

But in reality, everything about them has nothing to do with you.

Yi Li called at noon, saying he was near my company and wanted to have lunch together.

“You can eat with Brother Baichuan. I won’t join.”

“I don’t want to eat with him,” Yi Li moaned, “He’s the most boring! Come on, Jiangluo. Consider it me begging you.”

I was surprised he hadn’t invited Brother Baichuan. I thought they were eating together and just happened to invite me along.

We met at a small restaurant behind the company. It was crowded at noon, and Yi Li ordered a large table full of dishes.

“So many dishes, we won’t be able to finish. What a waste,” I said as I sat down and took a sip of water.

“No worries, I’ll take the leftovers home,” Yi Li said, “I’ve been staying up late writing reports, almost killing myself.”

“Writing reports?” I thought he spent his free time eating, drinking, and having fun outside of work hours.

“Yeah! No time for romance!” Yi Li made a funny face and suddenly leaned in, whispering, “What’s going on between you and Xing Baichuan?”

His question startled me, and I hastily answered, “Nothing’s going on.”

“You’re lying.” He gave me a piece of meat, saying, “Don’t blame me for being nosy, although I do find him boring. But you two are really quite suitable.”

I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I felt at that moment. My body and thoughts seemed frozen, only hearing Yi Li say, “And you’re both pretty stupid. Being stupid enough to end up together could be considered fate.”

After he finished, I didn’t respond for a while.

Yi Li looked up at me, frowning, “You really don’t like Xing Baichuan?”

I hurriedly shook my head, picking up my glass to drink some water to hide my panic.

“Then maybe I misunderstood…” He continued staring at me.

I had no choice but to sigh and say, “You misunderstood. I’m in a relationship with Bolin, Brother Baichuan’s younger brother.”

“But isn’t he dead?” Yi Li’s words cut straight to the point, “You were once lovers, but you didn’t sign any agreement stating you’d love him for the rest of your life. He died. Isn’t it normal for you to fall in love with someone else?”

How could I make him understand that I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone else? How could I explain it?

“Jiangluo, you wouldn’t be avoiding admitting your love for Xing Baichuan because of this, would you?” He tapped the plate in front of me with his chopsticks, saying, “Shit, I get it now. You two are the most interesting patients I’ve ever met!”

“He’s not a patient.” I frowned, finally finding a topic I could discuss.

“No, he is,” Yi Li said, “Do you know what he texted me?”

I didn’t want to know at all, didn’t want to know anything about their interactions. It would only make me jealous.

Jealous? I suddenly latched onto that word.

Why would I be jealous?

Jealous of Brother Baichuan’s connection with Yi Li, jealous of their dates and trips to the cake shop, jealous of the messages Brother Baichuan sent to Yi Li that I didn’t know about.

Why would I be jealous?

I regarded Yi Li as a friend. These days, he was more than just my psychologist.

“He said he’s distracted and restless because you’re moving out. Just thinking about you not living with them anymore makes him feel empty inside,” Yi Li grabbed my chin, making me look at him, “Tell me what he means by that?”

I pulled back, breaking free from his grip, “Because they see me as family.”

“Yes, that’s what he said. He sees you as a substitute for Xing Bolin.”

I furrowed my brows tightly, feeling unbearable pain in my heart.

I didn’t want to be anyone’s replacement, not even for the Bolin I once loved.

Once loved…

I used the phrase “once loved” in my heart when thinking of Bolin. What did that signify?

I began to feel confused, rubbing my temples as I told Yi Li, “I’m not feeling well. You eat. I’ll go back first.”

“Just a minute.” Yi Li held me back, saying, “I have one last thing to say.”

I looked at him, waiting for him to finish.

“I’m a psychologist.”

I nodded in agreement with that statement.

“According to my analysis,” Yi Li suddenly laughed, winking at me like a mischievous young man, “Xing Baichuan has fallen in love with you.”