Chapter 41 – Li Jiangluo 2.0

When I didn’t have to work, my entire being relaxed, but it wasn’t something I found pleasant at all.

I wasn’t a workaholic; I simply started trying to minimize my alone time after Bolin’s passing, because whenever I was left alone with myself, I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering.

After Brother Baichuan left, I slowly recovered from my fever and slumped on the couch, staring blankly at the unfamiliar house.

I missed where I used to live, with the adorable auntie and uncle, and Brother Baichuan, who I secretly harbored feelings for.

I felt utterly shameless. My boyfriend had been gone for barely over half a year, and already, I had fallen for someone else.

Every time I thought about this, I hated myself immensely.

I got up to find my phone. At that moment, I needed Yi Li.

As I stepped out, I hesitated for a bit because I was uncertain whether Brother Baichuan might suddenly return.

After some deliberation, I still went out, pondering along the way whether I should leave a key for Brother Baichuan.

Giving someone the key to your home was a very intimate gesture, akin to presenting a warm heart to the other party.

It was heavily suggestive, but I presumed Brother Baichuan wouldn’t overthink it.

After all, we had been family for half a year.

He saw me as family, so I could only use that as a cover to satisfy my own desires.

It was pretty happy, wasn’t it?

I arranged to meet Yi Li at his office.

He would be returning to Canada next month, and when he’d come back was an unknown.

Regarding my condition, he said it was a long battle. I could clearly sense the changes within myself, but they weren’t enough to prove that I was getting better or nearing recovery.

Yi Li said, “You need love. This illness can’t be fully cured just by us two.”

But I could only remain silent, because the person I wanted to fall in love with was the one person who was absolutely impossible.

This was probably what others called hopeless love, and because of this, I was likely to disappoint Yi Li’s expectations.

“Ah…” Yi Li, tidying up the documents on his desk, pursed his lips and said to me, “Why aren’t you braver? Look at me, knowing…”

He paused, his movements stilled.

I asked curiously, “What’s wrong?”

Yi Li looked at me, tilting his head as if carefully examining me from head to toe.

“Nothing, just thinking how pitiful we both are.” He shrugged. “You’re a little luckier than me, but unfortunately, you’re also stupider.”

He folded a document into a paper airplane and tossed it at me.

I dodged, and the paper airplane hit my shoulder.

“Jiangluo, listen,” Yi Li said seriously, “sometimes, taking a brave step forward, you’ll find that what you think isn’t true at all.” He continued, “For instance, you think Xing Baichuan doesn’t love you, but in fact, the two of you are playing a game of mutual secret affection.”

Hearing the phrase ‘mutual secret affection,’ I tensed up, unsure of what to say.

Yi Li had seen through my thoughts, yet I dared not admit that Brother Baichuan might feel the same.

Indeed, facing Yi Li, all our little secrets seemed to be effortlessly exposed. He was too skilled at reading people, understanding us better than we did ourselves.

Just as I was about to say something, there was a knock on Yi Li’s office door.

Both of us looked toward the door, and I never expected to encounter Xu Zhao here.

Xu Zhao and I hadn’t really had a proper conversation. I always tried to avoid him, and he seemed busy with other things.

Especially now, every time I thought of him, I remembered that phone call and the heavy, lustful panting on the line.

“How did you get here?” I turned to Yi Li, somewhat shocked.

When did they meet?

And how did they meet?

Yi Li’s expression wasn’t good. Rarely did I see panic in his eyes.

“Jiangluo?” Xu Zhao didn’t answer Yi Li’s question but instead asked me, “What are you doing here?”

The three of us present were all filled with questions.

I saw the wallet in Xu Zhao’s hand, which I had bought for him as a birthday gift.

In previous years, I’d always given it to him personally, but this year, due to the unpleasant incidents before, I simply didn’t want to see him, so I sent it to him via same-city delivery. Unexpectedly, he was actually using it.

Yi Li walked around from behind the desk and stood in front of us.

“Aren’t you supposed to have something today?” he asked Xu Zhao, his voice slightly trembling.

Suddenly, I felt as though I had caught a whiff of their subtle connection, and simultaneously, the voice of the boy who answered Xu Zhao’s call replayed in my mind, overlapping with Yi Li’s voice.

Life had proven countless times that the world wasn’t big nor small, and it had repeatedly told us that the melodramatic clichés that only seemed to exist in eight o’clock TV dramas actually abounded in real life.

We were all pitiful creatures toyed with by life.

Yi Li was flustered, unable to explain anything, and pushed Xu Zhao out the door directly.

He leaned against the door, looking at me.

“If you have something to do, I’ll go back first,” I thought about the wallet that Yi Li and I had bought together, which might seem overly dramatic to others, but I genuinely felt for Yi Li.

I recalled the radiant smile on his face when he talked about the one he loved, then considered his reaction earlier. He must have known about my relationship with Xu Zhao for quite some time, and guilt welled up inside me.

“Don’t go.” Yi Li grabbed my wrist, took a deep breath, and said, “I’m fine.”

Xu Zhao knocked on the door outside, “Yi Li! Open the door!”

Yi Li frowned at me, biting his lip.

In that instant, I saw this usually flamboyant, optimistic, seemingly unbreakable psychologist defeated, and a feeling of shared sorrow rose within me.

Unrequited love, how sad.

I stood up, opened the door, and said to the bewildered Xu Zhao, “I’m going out with Yi Li, so please lend him to me for a while.”

After saying that, I turned around, pulling Yi Li away without caring whether he was willing.

I thought, Yi Li had helped me for so long; now, let me try to help him with his heartache.

I still felt lucky, although the path of love wasn’t smooth, at least I would eventually meet someone who made me believe in the future.

Bolin in the past, Brother Baichuan later, and Yi Li – these people in my messy life had been dragging me forward.

Sitting alone in the coffee shop across from the company, just like waiting for Bolin to finish work in the past, today I waited for Brother Baichuan.

In the afternoon, I chatted with Yi Li for a long time. The two of us were in a private room, and despite him being older than me, he cried into my chest like a child who had suffered a great injustice.

He was perceptive and sensitive. Xu Zhao was candid with him; from the start of their acquaintance, they spoke frankly about not loving each other.

But Xu Zhao was a bad person, a fact that had already been established.

He claimed not to love Yi Li but indulged in Yi Li’s gentle care and passionate love.

More accurately, he was shamelessly consuming Yi Li’s love.

Yi Li had always been the type to persist until he hit a wall, unwilling to give up until the last possible moment.

Thus, the two of them carried on ambiguously, with Xu Zhao seemingly treating Yi Li as a means of release, dumping his unplaced emotions and sexual desires onto Yi Li to bear.

“Why do you still hold on so firmly when he treats you like this?” I asked.

Yi Li replied, “Love is the most irrational thing. I know he doesn’t love me and that he’s bad, but I can’t control myself from being a fool and loving him.”

I understood him, thinking that Xu Zhao had truly gone too far this time.

By the end of our conversation, Yi Li and I made a pact.

“I’ll pursue Brother Baichuan, and you’ll forget about Xu Zhao.”

It was such a laughable, childish game, but Yi Li and I agreed instantly. When our palms touched, I knew that life, dull as it was, needed some thrilling challenges to be called a life.

Actually, this was what we both yearned for, but we lacked an excuse to take that step.

Whether it was unspoken love or unrequited love, it filled us with grievance. To break free, we had to be brave.

So now, I sat here, sending a message to Brother Baichuan.

“Mr. Xing, I’m at the coffee shop across the company. I ordered you a cup of coffee, but if you come too late, it might be cold.” After sending the message, I suddenly felt like a sneaky villain.

The coffee in front of me was still steaming, but the sky had darkened.

It was already quitting time, but Brother Baichuan hadn’t replied to me.

I withdrew my gaze and looked down at my own coffee.

Suddenly, the sound of tapping on glass came from beside me.

I looked up, and Brother Baichuan was smiling, standing outside the window and looking at me.

Suddenly, the streetlights outside lit up, and his smile became even warmer.

I smiled at him too, pointing at the coffee opposite me, signaling for him to hurry in.

Late spring and early summer had always been my favorite seasons.

The weather wasn’t too hot or cold, and Brother Baichuan wore only a striped shirt on top, no tie, with the top two buttons undone.

He rushed in and headed toward me.

He didn’t sit opposite me or drink the coffee, but sat next to me, one hand grabbing my arm and the other touching my forehead.

“It’s alright,” he said, touching his own forehead again. “Your fever’s gone down.”

Suddenly, I desperately wanted to hug him. I didn’t know if it was because the fever had scrambled my brain or because talking with Yi Li had driven me insane, leaving me utterly clueless as to where this courage came from. In any case, by the time I realized it, I had already embraced the man in front of me.

He smelled faintly of cologne, and I secretly sniffed the edge of his collar, captivated.

He gently stroked my back and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I didn’t dare to answer, closing my eyes, wanting nothing more than to sleep in his arms.