Chapter 47 – Conclusion

What does sex mean to me? This has been a question that Yi Li and I have been discussing for a long time.

I once felt that it shouldn’t exist in my world at all—it was dirty, evil, shameful, filled with nauseating scents.

My attitude towards it was always extreme.

I refused to accept it, and was extremely opposed to it.

Yi Li said, “There’s a knot at the tip of your heart. I can untie it for you, but you need to fully cooperate with me.”

No one knows what I endured during the time I was receiving treatment. Perhaps Yi Li knew, but he never fully understood.

I thought there was no hope for recovery, because the concept of “recovery” had no meaning to me.

But later, life changed, my feelings changed, and I yearned for recovery, because I had someone I wanted to embrace.

It was probably as Yi Li said, after Bolin died and Brother Baichuan entered my life, I became braver.

In fact, if I had received treatment a few years earlier, I might have gotten better.

We just didn’t dare to, we didn’t even consider it, we didn’t try, and that was the root cause of tragedy.

Now, Brother Baichuan holds me, his hand gently caressing my face, warm, with sweat on his palm.

I told him I wanted to give it a try, that perhaps I had become braver.

I held my breath, he was cautious, kissing my earlobe, yet hesitating to take the next step.

I was already a bit panicked, my hands spread out beside my body, wanting to hold him, but unable to lift them up.

“Scared?” Brother Baichuan’s tone was incredibly gentle, warming my eyes and giving me strength.

I hugged him, rubbing against his neck, trying hard to let my voice carry a smile as I said, “As long as it’s you, I’m not afraid of anything.”

He seemed somewhat agitated, turning to kiss me.

I fell in love with kissing him, because every kiss wasn’t so intense yet was full of tenderness.

The warmth of his breath on my face seemed to seep into my skin, warming my entire body.

Perhaps he was overly concerned, even needing to ask for my permission for the next move.

I pinched his face, laughing as I said, “I’m not made of porcelain, I won’t break, why are you so worried?”

He merely looked deeply into my eyes, lovingly kissing my forehead.

This couldn’t go on. I had barely mustered up the courage, and if we didn’t do it now, who knew when the next opportunity would be.

My thoughts were simple—I loved him, since there was a possibility of success, why not give it a shot.

Our relationship seemed quite rare, making love alone had a sense of tragic grandeur.

Thinking about it, I really couldn’t help but laugh.

His hand was lightly caressing my waist, through the fabric, tickling me a little.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me.

I leaned in and gave his lips a light nibble, saying, “It feels like we’re not making love, but going to our deaths.”

He laughed too, then his hand slipped under the hem of my shirt.

When his palm touched my skin without any barrier, I admit, I started to feel nervous.

Something was welling up in my chest, I could only widen my eyes, taking deep breaths, suppressing that strange feeling.

“You’re breaking out in a cold sweat.” One hand caressed my back while the other undid the buttons of my shirt from bottom to top.

Every part of my body seemed to be gradually sinking into icy water, as if it would soon freeze over.

“Scared?” He asked me again.

For a long time, I couldn’t speak, and he stopped his movements.

The hand undoing the buttons withdrew, feeling around to hold my hand. My fingertips were ice-cold, clenched into a fist, which he enveloped in his palm, squeezing hard enough to bring me back to reality.

“Scared.” I couldn’t lie to myself, “But I still want to continue.”

I didn’t know where the courage for the latter half of that sentence came from.

But the one thing I was sure of was that I was only afraid now. When Brother Baichuan made each move, even when I thought about what would happen later, I didn’t feel disgusted.

The demon that had once been triggered seemed to be gone. What I needed to overcome was just the psychological fear.

I raised my knees, rubbing against the bulge in his pants. “Do you want me badly?”

He frowned at my touch, finally shedding his timidity, tearing open my shirt.

Buttons popped off, bouncing all the way to the door.

The sound was clear, drawing my gaze towards it.

Brother Baichuan gripped my chin, making me turn back, commanding, “Look at me.”

I was stunned for a moment. There was no denying that a man like Brother Baichuan had incredible charm when he was forceful.

Tender yet strong, such a person was truly captivating.

I no longer felt cold, reaching up to undo his belt.

Perhaps he hadn’t expected me to be so proactive, his grip on my chin tightened.

“It hurts.” I said as I undid his belt.

Brother Baichuan released me, straightening up to kneel on the bed, stripping down to nothing but his underwear under my naked gaze.

Pure black boxer briefs, the front bulging prominently.

I was tense and didn’t know what to do. He approached, his hand resting on the edge of my jeans.

“There’s no turning back now,” he said.

Without the slightest hesitation, I pushed away his hand and took off my pants myself.

This was my determination, I wanted him to know.

I lay before him wearing a button-popped shirt and white triangle briefs, looking at him without any evasion.

At this moment, I should have been ashamed, but I had forgotten about shame.

He stroked my legs, then slowly moved upward, reaching the triangular area.

He leaned in, passionately kissing my cheek, my neck, my chest, my navel.

I bit down tightly on my teeth, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes.

This feeling was too bizarre, as if something was surging out of my mouth, my chest, my body.

I didn’t dare touch him, I could only grab the sheets.

He continued downward, reaching below my abdomen.

Suddenly, I grabbed his shoulder, our eyes meeting. I saw the desire in his eyes clearly.

I knew this was a mood killer, but I suddenly remembered those unpleasant memories from the past. I recalled my damn father and my ex-boyfriend who had to tell me about his infidelity even after death.

All the scenes I had seen and imagined crowded into my mind.

My hand was grasped again, he asked me, “Are you okay?”

It was Brother Baichuan’s voice.

I broke free from my delusions, sitting up and throwing myself into his arms.

The shirt still hung on my body, he patted my back gently through the fabric.

“Sorry, if you don’t want to do it, we won’t.”

I breathed heavily, then exerted force, pushing him onto the bed, tearing off my own shirt, and kissing him as he had kissed me.

I didn’t have any desire in my heart, but my body had already reacted.

In my ears was Brother Baichuan’s suppressed yet still clear heavy breathing, which I found strangely satisfying.

Just as he had done, I came between his legs.

Hesitating for a moment, the palm of my hand covered his desire.

Even through his underwear, I could feel the heat. I leaned forward, kissing it.

I don’t remember when we became completely nude, I only recall that after I kissed Brother Baichuan’s penis, I was once again pressed onto the bed by him.

My nipples, my erection, the tips of my buttocks, all bore the marks of his kisses and saliva.

His mouth enveloped my untouched penis, I didn’t dare look, because desire had already climbed up from that area to my heart.

For the first time in my life, I felt a desire for sex in my heart.

Soon, I began to lose control, wanting to release. I forcefully pushed Brother Baichuan away, but the moment he left, the burning desire that was about to erupt within me extinguished.

I couldn’t ejaculate, rolling over and rubbing my stiff penis against the sheets repeatedly.

Brother Baichuan covered me from behind, his hand reaching around to grasp it, pumping it.

“Jiangluo.” He called my name, “Is it only me who’s seen you like this?”

I was mortified, lying prone, refusing to make a sound.

He chuckled softly, urging me to lie flat, then leaned over me and said, “Let me suck you off, it’s alright, don’t hide.”

After he finished speaking, he didn’t wait for my response and leaned in.

First licking the shaft thoroughly, then deeply taking my penis into his mouth.

My penis, which I was even embarrassed to touch myself, went wild in his mouth. I closed my eyes, trembling as wave after wave of semen was ejaculated into his mouth.

I couldn’t face him, grabbing a pillow and pressing it against my face.

Brother Baichuan coughed for a while, then came over to hug me, unceremoniously tossing the pillow aside.

He kissed me, his mouth carrying a salty taste.

It was my taste, coming from my body.

My buttocks were squeezed forcefully by him, his tongue withdrew from my mouth, and he said to me, “I’m going to continue.”

We were unprepared, rummaging through the drawer for a long time, he could only hold up my moisturizer and grin at me apologetically.

“This is cheap, feel free to use it.” I was actually so nervous I could barely speak, but to avoid worrying him, I forced a joke.

Afterward, I proactively laid on the bed, blushing, hesitating whether to raise my butt.

He bit my buttock tip, then sucked on it.

He said to me, “Your body is so beautiful.”

Brother Baichuan’s words, though embarrassing, disrupted my heartbeat and breathing. Though shameful, I liked him like this.

Compared to him, I was too easily shy, even at this point, I dared not carefully examine his body.

I remained on my stomach, he awkwardly spread my buttocks apart to dilate me.

It hurt, hurting so much I couldn’t bear it.

But I couldn’t say the word stop. This was my determination, I wanted him to know.

Sex wasn’t as despicable as I thought, not as filthy as I thought. When Brother Baichuan entered me, it seemed like I truly bid farewell to the old Li Jiangluo.

I had no resistance whatsoever, unexpectedly welcoming him with joy.

He held me, deeply buried inside my body.

I turned around to kiss him, repeating in my heart how much I loved him.

This act of sex was more like a ceremony for me, we both finally welcomed new lives.

Dizzily, I heard Brother Baichuan whisper in my ear.

He said, “I love you.”