Chapter 8 – Li Jiangluo 0.4

Back here again. Even though everything had been cleaned, I could still see the blood on the ground and Bolin hanging from the wall. His death might haunt me for the rest of my life, but then again, it might not be for too long since I always feel like I won’t be alive much longer.

After my mother passed away a few years ago, Bolin became my only family. Now that I’m alone, this world doesn’t mean much to me anymore.

Without a pillar of strength, without a reason to live.

I don’t even know why I’m still standing here. Shouldn’t I have followed Bolin already?

The person behind me patted my shoulder, startling me. I turned around to see Xu Zhao.

If there’s anyone who cares about me now, it might just be him.

But I also owe Xu Zhao.

For so many years, why hasn’t he ever dated? Why has he always been so good to me? I’m not stupid; I understand.

Yet, I can’t give him any response.

Perhaps everyone has someone like this in their life. Someone you really like, someone you cherish deeply, but someone you’ll never be with. You’re reluctant to start a romantic relationship with them because once it ends, you might lose them forever.

That’s how I feel about Xu Zhao. Being family is the best choice.

In the past, I pretended not to understand his hints. Not until I met Bolin, my love, did I tell Xu Zhao that I hoped he could find true love as well.

I still remember his bitter smile at that time, which left me filled with guilt.

Another thing that makes me feel incredibly guilty in front of him is that I’ve never mentioned my illness to him. That’s why, when Bolin first had his accident, Xu Zhao kept urging me to go to the hospital for a check-up.

Thinking about it, he was probably afraid I might have been infected as well.

How I wish I could tell him not to worry about me, but whenever I opened my mouth, no words came out.

Xu Zhao went to the balcony to call the cleaner, and when I looked back at Brother Baichuan, I found him carefully examining the house.

“All the furniture was bought by us. Bolin personally selected them.” Those exhausting days spent building our home together are now memories of happiness when I look back on them today.

Brother Baichuan didn’t say anything, but he looked up at the upstairs area.

“That’s the bedroom.” I secretly frowned. That was the room I shared with Bolin. Honestly, I didn’t want to give it up, even if it was just for one night.

“Alright.” He took off his shoes and entered the house, placing his suitcase aside. “I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight. You should pack up the things in the bedroom.”

I felt grateful, thankful for his generosity in allowing me to embrace Bolin’s blanket one last time.

My nose tingled, and I couldn’t help but scold myself for becoming increasingly weak recently. This was probably the most troublesome issue Bolin had with me.

I wonder if, right now, he would still worry about me.

Xu Zhao finished his call and said the cleaner would arrive in an hour. I didn’t invite him to stay and sent him out the door.

Downstairs, Xu Zhao said to me, “Have you thought about what you’ll do next? Jiangluo, Xing Bolin isn’t your whole world. You’ve grieved for these past days, and your tears have nearly dried up. It’s time to start thinking about yourself.”

I didn’t know how to respond to him because I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead.

The current situation was draining all my energy. I just wanted to hold Bolin’s photo and have a good sleep, hoping that when I woke up, it would all be a dream. Bolin would have returned from work, taking off his coat.

“I want to have a proper conversation with you.” Xu Zhao leaned against the car door, looking at me. “Can you spare some time for me?”

Facing Xu Zhao, I always struggled with how to avoid hurting him, but right now, I really didn’t want to talk about these things.

“Wait a bit.” I said, “Let me rest for a while.”

He stared at me intently, sighed helplessly, and got into his car.

“Xu Zhao.” I called out to him, unwilling to let go. “Was Bolin really a suicide?”

“Don’t you believe it?” He countered my question.

“I know I shouldn’t doubt the police’s conclusion, but…” I hesitated, because Xu Zhao’s expression made me feel like I was hurting his heart once again.

“Jiangluo, I indeed disliked Xing Bolin, and the reason is simple—it’s because he took you away from me.” Xu Zhao’s words were firm, and he seemed truly upset with me. “But I’m a police officer. I should have recused myself from this case. Have you ever wondered why I didn’t?”

I didn’t understand their rules, but I did have doubts about Xu Zhao handling Bolin’s case at the time.

“Because I wanted to minimize the harm this incident would cause you. I wanted to protect you. Can’t you understand that!” He slammed the car door shut forcefully and drove away.

I felt that Xu Zhao was wrong. I could understand his desire to protect me, but if everything he told me was true, I would still be hurt no matter what he did.

I smoked a cigarette outside, using one from Brother Baichuan.

Eventually, I burned my finger, threw away the cigarette butt, and walked into the building.

Today would probably be the last time. Starting tomorrow, I would leave here and never come back.

Regarding Bolin’s matter, I still had to seek Xu Zhao for the truth. And then what?

Even I didn’t know.

The future path was supposed to be for two people. I had planned it well—we would grow old together.

I wanted to find an opportunity to take him to visit my mother’s grave, to show her my boyfriend, to let her rest easy.

But now, both my mother and my boyfriend are gone, never to return.

I hadn’t had the chance to introduce them to each other. If they happened to meet in the afterlife, I wonder if they’d have a chance to talk about me.

Arriving home, Brother Baichuan was flipping through books on the bookshelf.

Bolin and I loved to spend our holidays at home. He played video games, and I read books. When we were hungry, we looked at cookbooks. If we found something we liked, I would cook it.

I enjoyed cooking for him, or rather, I enjoyed doing anything for him.

There was still a fish in the fridge, and we had enough rice left for two days.

I tied an apron around my waist and said to Brother Baichuan, “There’s only one fish left. I wonder if you like it.”

He paused for a moment and then nodded. “You’ve been working hard.”

I watched him put down the book in his hands and walk over. “I’m not very good at cooking fish. How about I cook the vegetables and you make the rice? Let me know if you need any help.”

Seeing him come in, I hurriedly said, “No need. I can manage on my own.”

“It’s fine.” He glanced at me and then went to scoop rice into a small iron pot, filling it with water. “I’ve never cooked a meal for my brother.”

After he said that, we both fell silent.

The atmosphere in the kitchen was somewhat oppressive. While I was preparing the fish, I thought about Bolin.

The fish was frozen solid and didn’t seem to thaw anytime soon. Bolin had bought it because I saw a recipe for baked fish a few days ago and said I wanted to try it at home on the weekend.

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t get to taste it.

Tears dripped into the water, and I quickly raised my hand to wipe them away.

I wasn’t a crybaby before. Because my life hadn’t been great over the years, I had gotten used to a bleak existence. I knew that tears solved nothing. Otherwise, why would my mother have left that home.

My life was always filled with chaos and darkness, and all the tragedies in my life stemmed from these. But Bolin pulled me out of it, leading me into the sunlight.

Now, maybe I should hide back in the shadows, completely wiping away useless tears, and resume my original life.

We waited a long time before eating. After dinner, we started packing things.

Brother Baichuan bought many storage boxes from outside. Looking at those items, I couldn’t bear to put any of them inside.

The photos of Bolin and me, he sitting on the grass, me standing beside him, him laughing as he hugged my leg, the sun so bright it seemed like it could only exist in a painting.

Those pictures were taken when we went out to play with his college roommates. We didn’t have many photos together, and this was his favorite one.

“Let me pack this. Go and rest for a bit.” Brother Baichuan probably noticed my sadness and took the photo frame from my hands, folding the stand at the back neatly before placing it in the cardboard box.

I didn’t know if this photo would ever see the light of day again. Perhaps after moving, I wouldn’t open this box anymore.

Everything inside held memories of Bolin, and I truly lacked the courage to face them.

Until late at night, it was dark, and I was exhausted, lacking any strength.

I hadn’t really done much, but I just felt drained.

I showered early and went to bed. The things in the bedroom had almost been packed up, leaving only the furniture and bedding.

I planned to sell all these pieces of furniture because the person who chose them was no longer here.

Things remained the same, but people changed. I couldn’t bear it.

Bolin and I always had separate beds and separate blankets. Tonight was the first time I lay in his bed.

Very tired, but unable to sleep.

I stared at the ceiling, thinking about the nights we slept together. Did Bolin ever suffer from insomnia? What did he think about when he couldn’t sleep?

I reached out and placed my palm over my crotch, where there was never any reaction. It was saddening.

I tentatively rubbed lightly, but before I could do much, I felt nauseated.

I gave up, biting the blanket and clenching my fists.

I was a damned person.