TTDOTO 7.2.3 Ordinary and Chaotic Days

Lee Jae-an, whose reason had become clouded, forgot the joy of reading he once cherished and the mathematical formulas he once knew. Slowly but surely, he was in the process of erasing and discarding the things he possessed, one by one.

It was pitiful to see him clutching a game console all day, but Seo Jae-rim felt it was unavoidable in order to eliminate the desire for death that was eating away at the older man’s heart.

Only a season ago, Lee Jae-an had attempted suicide without a single line of warning, as if deceiving everyone. As soon as he was barely saved, he slit his wrist again; and when he fled once more, he stood on a rooftop, staring blankly down at the ground below.

Having no other choice, Jae-rim had tried tying his resisting limbs, and even forced his member into Jae-an’s mouth to break his pathetic pride. He knew he would likely never forget the expression in those eyes, filled with loathing, that glared at him every time.

But that same Lee Jae-an had stayed in the house even while knowing the key was right in front of him. Seeing Jae-rim, he naturally prepared to have his pants lowered and even surrendered to his embrace.

Of course, his leaning into the embrace was an act driven by the terror of seeing things that weren’t there, but whenever Jae-an buried his forehead in Jae-rim’s chest and gripped his collar tight, a pleasure like nothing he had ever felt surged through Jae-rim from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.

For Lee Jae-an, who had given up on life, to finally regard Jae-rim’s embrace as a sanctuary… it had truly been a long and arduous process.

Lately, Lee Jae-an was perfectly submissive and obedient. Under the pretext of his broken ankle, he spent all day lounging at home, and his only outing was the weekly visit to the orthopedic clinic to check his progress.

Because it was a clean break and he had stayed still at home, the lateral malleolus had almost fused by the fifth week. At the doctor’s words that the cast would be removed today but that he should be careful for at least a few months, Jae-an stared blankly at Jae-rim. Even though he had heard the doctor’s instructions himself, he was seeking Jae-rim’s permission to have the cast removed.

When Jae-rim gave a light nod, only then did Jae-an lie back on the bed. Jae-an was now relying on and following him to the point of entrusting even minor decision-making to him.

Beneath the cut-away cast, a pale leg was revealed. Jae-an’s right calf, having not walked for a long time, was noticeably thinner than the left. The leg, which already had no muscle left to lose, was skeletal. Jae-rim knelt before Jae-an and put sandals on his feet.

“Try standing up.”

Jae-an, seemingly awkward about stepping down fully without the cast, bit his lip and cautiously placed his foot on the floor. Jae-rim moved slowly to match Jae-an, who took steps with a narrow stride.

Though he could now walk without crutches, naturally, the radius of Jae-an’s life did not change much.

He spent most of the day circling between three spots: the bed, the sofa in the room, and the sofa in the living room. He had cleared the final level of the game he played on the tablet and was now absorbed in another.

Only the graphics had changed from blocks to fruit; the rules of matching colors to pop them were the same. Only during the time he moved his fingers in a simple, repetitive manner did a light flicker in Jae-an’s dazed eyes.

Even when Jae-rim suggested a walk along the stream or a drive, Jae-an shook his head. He gave various excuses: it was hot, he was tired, he had a headache, or his ankle was aching.

Feeling that he was staying inside too much, Jae-rim had recently forced him to change clothes and took him to a movie theater. Out of consideration for Jae-an, who said he disliked crowded spaces, he chose the latest possible showtime.

It was an unpopular movie with low ratings and a low reservation rate; naturally, the seats were empty. There was a reason he had chosen this critically panned film: it was about a relationship between half-siblings. He had been curious about Jae-an’s reaction as the story reached its conclusion, but unfortunately, they weren’t able to see the movie through to the end.

Having glanced at the empty seat next to him since the middle of the film, Jae-an eventually covered his ears, closed his eyes, and hung his head low halfway through. When Jae-rim leaned toward him, he heard ragged breaths that Jae-an couldn’t quite let out.

Biting his lip and panting as if he were about to hyperventilate, Jae-an was led out of the theater by Jae-rim. Jae-an ran into the bathroom, gripped the toilet, and dry-heaved.

The moment Jae-rim placed his hand on the thin shoulder blades to pat his back, Jae-an glared at him with sensitive eyes. Those light brown eyes, brimming with tears, were full of resentment, asking why he had been dragged out.

With a deathly pale face, Jae-an barely managed to get into the car. He covered his face with his hands for a long time with his eyes closed before finally letting his hands drop. Seeing that his breathing had stabilized somewhat, Jae-rim checked on his condition.

“Is your stomach okay?”

He knew that when Jae-an showed these symptoms, he felt nauseous. However, Jae-an stubbornly kept his mouth shut and buckled his seatbelt. Jae-rim stared at him silently, intending to wait until Jae-an answered aloud. Feeling the atmosphere grow cold, Jae-an protested in a voice tinged with a sudden surge of emotion.

“I told you I didn’t want to go. I told you I hate movies…!”

Jae-rim tapped the steering wheel and forced a smile. Since he was the one who had dragged him out, he decided to back down.

“I’m sorry. I was being stubborn.”

“…….”

“But exactly what is it that you see? I need to know so I can help you.”

“…It’s none of your business.”

Lee Jae-an answered curtly and shut his mouth again. Perhaps he was deeply upset, as sorrow still rippled in his eyes.

“How is your stomach? I’m asking if you’re able to travel in the car.”

“……I’m fine, so just go.”

Jae-an turned his head toward the car window. As soon as they parked in the garage, Jae-an opened the door and got out first. Even though he had to wait for Jae-rim because he didn’t know the front door passcode, he expressed his hurt feelings by walking just a few steps ahead.

Self-loathing for not being able to watch a single movie, fear, and a distorted anger born from a desire to escape radiated around Jae-an. The Lee Jae-an who used to be desperate to escape and lived for the tutoring days that allowed for a 30-minute walk was now suffering because of an outing.

Except for these minor cracks, daily life flowed mostly normally. Since Lee Jae-an stayed put at home without any foolish ideas, there were no longer any major clashes.

As Lee Jae-an grew lazier, Jae-rim grew busier. Because he was staying by Jae-an’s side so much, work naturally began to pile up. Instead of the restaurant, which ran well enough with just the staff, the frequency of his commutes to the company in Gyeonggi-do increased.

Jae-rim went to the office for the first time in a while.

Park Seo-won, who was busy enough just processing experimental data, was as busy as someone who had no concept of day or night, trying to clear the backlog of work Jae-rim had postponed for nearly a month.

While they were working busily without a single word of conversation, Jae-rim checked his watch and began tidying his desk. Park Seo-won’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What? You’re leaving already?”

“Yes. I have a physical therapy appointment to get to.”

Park Seo-won shifted his gaze to his laptop screen with a strange expression. It seemed he found it bizarre that Jae-rim was diligently taking Jae-an to physical therapy to ensure the bone he himself had broken fused properly. Park Seo-won, whose eyes were sunken, spoke while busily tapping his keyboard.

“If you’re only going to act as a figurehead, why don’t you just hand over the Representative [5] position?”

“Shall I?”

In that instant, the sound of typing stopped. Because Seo Jae-rim’s answer was so uncharacteristic, Park Seo-won actually furrowed his brow. Until now, hadn’t he always slickly dodged the question whenever it was asked?

“What? Are you serious?”

“You just asked me to hand it over.”

Park Seo-won, narrowing his eyes and looking at Jae-rim, let out a hollow laugh in disbelief.

Asking to take over the company was a joke Park Seo-won made every chance he got. Of course, Jae-rim had never had the slightest intention of actually handing over the company, but lately, that joke kept sticking in his ears.

It was a painful thing to only see Lee Jae-an through a CCTV screen. Human greed is such that once you have one thing, you want ten; now that he had tamed Lee Jae-an as he desired, he hated being away from him. The greed for that “ticklish” daily life—feeding and touching Lee Jae-an, and occasionally bickering with him using outings as bait—was growing.

He had made enough money. If he were to hand over the company, Park Seo-won, the engineer directly developing the new drugs, was the most suitable. Thinking about quitting everything and spending time lavishly with Lee Jae-an, he felt a strange sense of lightheadedness.

“I’ve had too much work done on my face to qualify as a figurehead.”

Park Seo-won, looking at the deep-in-thought Jae-rim as if he were a stranger, was the first to change the subject with a self-deprecating joke. Jae-rim threw his head back and let out a loud laugh.

“It’s an era where men take care of themselves, too.”

Park Seo-won, sipping coffee with melted ice, asked while habitually spinning a pen,

“I’m a bit confused, so…”

At Park Seo-won’s suddenly serious voice, Jae-rim, who was tidying his documents, lifted his head to meet his gaze.

“Did Jae-an do something majorly wrong to you?”

“…….”

“If you’re planning on tormenting him until he dies, I’d rather you just stop there and end it quickly.”

The moment Jae-an’s name left Park Seo-won’s mouth, a sensitive edge spread across Jae-rim’s face. Park Seo-won continued as if he had read Jae-rim’s mind.

“Relax your face; I’m worrying about the company.”

Setting down his documents, Park Seo-won looked up at Jae-rim. It didn’t matter much that Jae-rim was neglecting the business lately. However, since Lee Jae-an’s involvement, his unpredictable behavior had increased. Especially the frequency of unnecessarily harming people like Lee Seong-yoon or Jang Han-seong.

Given the nature of their business, they couldn’t be completely free of violence or crime. Still, if such things occurred frequently without a proper reason, it could threaten the company’s survival.

“I didn’t join this company with the intention of seeing it end so anti-climactically.”

“…….”

“I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting like you’ve got a screw loose, but I wish you wouldn’t bring your personal feelings into company business.”

Jae-rim didn’t answer and finished tidying his desk. Standing up, Seo Jae-rim, after a fairly long silence, pulled the corners of his firm mouth into a beautiful smile.

“If you’re tired, get some sleep. I’ll work the night shift.”

Jae-rim brushed past Park Seo-won, pressing down firmly on his shoulder as he did so. His attitude was still playful, but the implication was clearly readable: ‘Mind your own business.’

***

While Lee Jae-an received physical therapy, Jae-rim sat on a nearby chair and waited. Just then, someone approached him.

“Um… sorry to bother you so suddenly.”

A woman with her hair tied low spoke to him. Jae-rim scanned her slowly. Seeing her casual attire and that she was coming out of the physical therapy room, it seemed she was also there for treatment.

Thinking about why she was doing something she felt sorry for, he simply stared at her, and the hesitating woman suddenly handed him a note.

“I happened to see you once last week. You’re exactly my type… I wrote down my number thinking I should give it to you if we met again.”

The note remained in the woman’s hand, folded twice. Withdrawing his gaze from the note, Jae-rim uncrossed his legs, stood up, and brushed past the woman. Lee Jae-an, having finished his treatment, was waiting in the hallway right behind him.

“Are you finished?”

“…Uh, yeah.”

“Let’s go.”

As they moved, Lee Jae-an glanced at the woman. Simultaneously, Jae-rim’s brow furrowed sharply.

“What are you looking at?”

Receiving the sharp prompting, Lee Jae-an quickly turned his head. Jae-an’s expression was frozen awkwardly, as if he were uncomfortable with Jae-rim’s blatant ignoring of the woman. Jae-rim, with his eyes half-lidded, spoke in a sulky voice.

“She gave me her number. Should I take it?”

“Do whatever you want.”

Lee Jae-an left behind a cold answer and walked away first. Looking at the back of the man who was moving away without a trace of regret as if he truly meant for him to do whatever he wanted, a faint irritation pooled on Jae-rim’s face.

The woman retreated to the bathroom, embarrassed at being rejected, and Jae-rim followed Lee Jae-an after roughly sweeping back his bangs.

No conversation passed between them until they got into the car parked in the underground garage. However, as soon as he got in, instead of starting the engine, Jae-rim grabbed Lee Jae-an’s collar and pulled him toward himself. Lee Jae-an, his eyes faintly narrowed, showed his distaste.

“…What.”

“…….”

“…Let go. It hurts.”

His thin fingers, twitching as if wanting to push him away, wrapped around Jae-rim’s wrist. He applied a surprising amount of strength for someone who couldn’t even grip tightly. At the same time, Seo Jae-rim gripped the collar even harder. Lee Jae-an, unable to move one way or the other, could only tremble.

“Why are you… doing this again.”

“Do whatever I want?”

One corner of Jae-rim’s mouth quirked up, and a bone-chilling voice flowed out.

“Are you okay with me sleeping with that woman, Hyung?”

“What…?”

“Why aren’t you stopping me?”

Jae-an’s terror-stricken pupils darted around as if trying to understand the situation. Soon, a small voice flowed out.

“Who am I… to stop you.”

“Who do you think you are, Hyung?”

Lee Jae-an shut his mouth again. Jae-rim, who was on the verge of exploding, prodded him through clenched teeth.

“Answer me.”

“…rash.”

He mumbled something with a face full of tension, but it couldn’t be heard properly.

“Speak up.”

“…Trash can.”

One of Jae-rim’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief.

“What? What kind of can?”

Lee Jae-an, whose lips were trembling on his deathly pale face, lowered his eyes and murmured.

“That’s what it is, isn’t it? You kick me. You use me to discharge your sexual desires. And sometimes you throw away decent things for me like you’re giving alms… ghk.”

Not wanting to hear anymore, Jae-rim raised his hand and crushed Jae-an’s throat, making him cough and unable to continue. Fuck, he cursed under his breath and roughly let go. The small face was pushed against the car window before finally finding its place.

“You really have a knack for pissing people off.”

“…I was wrong.”

Even hearing the apology didn’t appease his anger. After a rough drive that nearly resulted in several accidents, they finally reached the house.

“Do whatever you want.”
“Trash can.”

To think he could grate on someone’s nerves this much with such short words—the efficiency was truly impressive. However, because of those thoughtless words, Lee Jae-an was unable even to enter the house as his thin clothes were torn off him inside the car.

The encounter, fueled by emotion, was as violent and persistent as a punishment. Lee Jae-an kept his eyes tightly shut throughout the rough coupling.

Because the expression of total resignation and the words “trash can” suited each other strangely well, the mood became even more like shit even after the “venting” session ended. Fearing he might truly raise his hand to him, Jae-rim left the sprawling Lee Jae-an behind, got out of the car first, and smoked cigarette after cigarette.

When Lee Jae-an finally emerged a long while later, barely wearing his stretched-out clothes, his face bore clear signs of having cried in silence.