TTDOTO 8.2

Jae-an, who had collapsed into sleep as if seized by a fit, stirred awake and pushed himself up. An unexpected sound of footsteps. He walked straight to the dining room and saw Seo Jae-rim cooking, his back turned.

“Perfect timing. I was just about to wake you.”

“…You’re early.”

“Yes. Since Hyung was being so well-behaved today, I wanted to come sooner.”

As he tilted the wok, rosé pasta slid into a bowl. Jae-an carried it to the table. Seo Jae-rim plated the short rib steak, set it down, and pulled a bottle of wine from the cellar.

“Would you like some wine too, Hyung?”

“Yeah.”

Red wine filled the transparent glass. Jae-an moistened his throat with it and took a bite of the salad, marinated in a tangy sauce. Seo Jae-rim tossed a large piece of steak onto an appetizer plate and cut it with a knife. The meat parted cleanly, and blood seeped through the cut. The knife blade was sharper than expected.

After swallowing a piece, Seo Jae-rim took a sip of wine the same color as the meat’s blood. Jae-an tore his gaze from the knife and took a sip of wine himself. Seo Jae-rim twirled pasta onto Jae-an’s appetizer plate.

“Is there anything you need to throw away?”

“What?”

“You kept muttering about throwing things away while you were sleeping.”

Jae-an’s hand stiffened and the glass slipped. The delicate wine glass shattered against the hard table. The white loungewear he wore was stained with red wine.

At the sound of the shatter, Seo Jae-rim rose from his seat and pulled out a napkin.

“Did I ask something I shouldn’t have? Your reaction is like…”

Bringing the neatly folded napkin, Seo Jae-rim’s eyes narrowed. The smile spreading across his pale face was beautiful enough to be frightening.

“Sounds like you’re saying you want to abandon me.”

“…No.”

“Yes. Don’t do that.”

Fortunately, he seemed not to notice the lie, his voice sweet with affection. Seo Jae-rim carefully wiped the stained areas of Jae-an’s body.

As the napkin gently passed over the wine splattered on his forearm, it reached Jae-an’s right hand. Then Seo Jae-rim covered the back of Jae-an’s clenched fist with the napkin-holding hand. Simultaneously, his fingers roughly wedged themselves between Jae-an’s fingers. Jae-an’s shoulders trembled, and he clenched his fist tighter, gritting his teeth and holding firm.

But Seo Jae-rim succeeded in prying the fist open with force, and a piece of wine glass that Jae-an had been gripping tightly fell to the table.

“…….”

“…….”

A sharp sound, then silence. Seo Jae-rim set down the napkin he’d used to wipe the wine and picked up a piece of glass the size of a five-hundred won coin—sharp-edged.

Jae-an looked quietly up at Seo Jae-rim. His anxious gaze tangled with a gaze suppressing anger. Seo Jae-rim spun the piece of glass in his palm and laughed.

“Whether you were trying to stab me or yourself with this…”

“…….”

“To actually kill with something like this…”

He repositioned the glass fragment so the sharp part was facing outward.

“…Like this.”

The sharp edge pierced into the cooked steak with a soft thud.

“You’d need to stab with much more force than you’re capable of, Hyung.”

“…….”

“A cooked piece of meat feels a bit different.”

Thud, thud, thud. Despite Jae-an’s protests, Seo Jae-rim continued to hack at the steak with the glass shard. Oil and blood from the meat splattered in all directions.

Watching the steak reduced to ribbons and overlaying it with the image of Seo Jae-rim slicing a man’s wrist without hesitation, Jae-an’s breathing became ragged. Seo Jae-rim threw the glass shard irritably onto the ruined plate.

“Goddamn it. How many times do I have to tell you—you won’t die like that.”

“But… blood…”

Only then did Seo Jae-rim notice his hand was bleeding. Clicking his tongue, he wiped the blood from his palm with a napkin and lifted the corner of his mouth at a slant.

“You’ve been staring intently at sharp things since earlier. Made me a bit on edge.”

Jae-an shook his head, trembling.

“I was just… just looking.”

“Then what were you hiding the piece for?”

“To, to clean it up.”

“Your big eyes give away everything when you lie. Can’t bring myself to ruin something so pretty.”

Jae-an quickly cast his eyes downward. The way Seo Jae-rim spoke suggested he’d actually scratch out his eyeballs if provoked even slightly. Seo Jae-rim rested his hand on his waist and exhaled a long breath.

“Today is a good day, so let’s call it here, yeah?”

Fortunately, he seemed to regard it as a mere incident, and the sharp tone and gaze in his eyes gradually softened. Jae-an quickly nodded. He understood that half-hearted attempts were useless, yet he hated himself for not controlling his momentary impulse.

“Move aside for a moment.”

Seo Jae-rim began cleaning up the ruined table. He gathered up the large pieces of glass and disposed of them, then vacuumed up the smaller shards scattered beneath the table. The mangled steak went into the sink along with its dish. Seo Jae-rim retrieved a fresh plate and plated a new piece of steak. Once the table was arranged as if nothing had happened, Seo Jae-rim called Jae-an back to eat.

“Let’s eat.”

“…Okay.”

Jae-an no longer eyed anything sharp and quietly picked up his fork. Unfortunately, all the food that had smelled delicious was now lukewarm. Yet, feeling guilty, he pretended to eat enthusiastically, but in his haste to swallow, his throat closed. Reflexively glancing at Seo Jae-rim’s wine, Seo Jae-rim pulled out a plastic cup and poured wine into it.

The blood from the cooled steak tasted especially bitter. Drinking the wine like water while forcing down the meat, warmth spread through him and intoxication quickly set in. By the time he finished eating, Jae-an was thoroughly drunk.

After roughly clearing the dishes, he played games with Seo Jae-rim. For Jae-an, who loved games, Seo Jae-rim had procured various game packs. The simple block-matching color games were nice, but what Seo Jae-rim bought had somewhat complicated controls. Still, watching the flickering screen and mashing the controller buttons made time pass pleasantly.

“PLAYER 1 WIN!”

And Jae-an had not lost to Seo Jae-rim a single time. Even now, so drunk that the TV screen seemed to shimmer, he beat Seo Jae-rim easily. Glancing at him, Seo Jae-rim’s expression looked very bored.

“Don’t let me win….”

Having struggled so hard, sweating as he played to win, Jae-an’s pride was quite hurt. Seo Jae-rim squinted one eye and made an excuse.

“My fingers are sore—I can’t operate the controller properly.”

Seo Jae-rim set down the controller and pulled a medicine box from the cabinet.

“Put some medicine on it for me.”

Compared to the scars already covering his hand, today’s wound was barely a scratch. But because Jae-an felt responsible for Jae-rim’s injury from wielding the glass shard, he dutifully opened the medicine box.

Sure enough, even when the cotton swab soaked in disinfectant touched the wound directly, Seo Jae-rim didn’t flinch. For some reason, Jae-an felt the sting more acutely and rounded his lips, blowing gently—but he stopped because the smell of alcohol was too strong.

After carefully applying the bandage, Jae-an finished the treatment but didn’t release the cool hand. Hiss, hiss—with each exhale, he reeked of alcohol, his eyes lost in thought.

“Hey, Jae-rim.”

Jae-an spoke carefully, eyes fixed on the bandage, his gaze hazy. Seo Jae-rim’s attention shifted to Jae-an’s flushed cheeks. Borrowing courage from his drunkenness, Jae-an finally voiced what he’d been wanting to ask.

“That day I lit charcoal in the car… you found me, didn’t you…?”

Seo Jae-rim, crossing his legs, swayed his feet gently. After a brief silence, lips that had been pressed firmly opened slowly.

“Yes. You didn’t look well at all, so I was already tracking your phone’s location.”

“…….”

“You ate well and smiled a lot at the restaurant, so at first I didn’t worry too much. I thought you’d gone for a drive to clear your mind. But your location stayed fixed for half a day without moving.”

Seo Jae-rim’s voice grew quieter as he carefully retraced that day.

“When I found you, your whole body was already cold. I was certain you were dead.”

“What… what was it like…?”

What was it like—a strange question. When Seo Jae-rim only made a peculiar expression without answering, Jae-an touched the bandage covering the wound and asked again.

“Were you sad?”

“Yes. Because you abandoned me.”

Jae-an’s hand trembled slightly. Seo Jae-rim squeezed the small hand resting on his and whispered lowly.

“I was so sad I got angry.”

“…….”

“Angry enough to want to kill you all over again if I could resurrect you.”

Jae-an’s pupils wavered. The desperate desire to avoid abandonment even at the cost of death—Jae-rim felt the same way, it seemed. When you love someone, you don’t want to be abandoned, and you don’t recklessly abandon them either. Jae-an’s brow furrowed as he awkwardly lifted the corners of his mouth.

“You won’t abandon me… right…?”

“Of course not.”

Seo Jae-rim answered with a firm voice, without a moment’s hesitation. It could be a lie, something that could flip overnight, but it was the answer Jae-an had been hoping for all day. His heart twisted without immunity. Jae-an dragged up more courage, his dry lips moving.

“What you did this afternoon… don’t ever do that again.”

Jae-an squeezed the hand he was already gripping tightly and mumbled.

“You’re already too late to abandon me.”

His words came faster, his voice wavering weakly at the end.

“If you abandon me, I have nowhere to, to go, and I’m nothing, really nothing….”

Seo Jae-rim reached out. His thumb brushed past Jae-an’s eyes, and his blurred vision cleared.

“Don’t cry. I won’t pull pranks like this again.”

Receiving comfort only made him sadder. What might be a simple prank confirming affection to Seo Jae-rim had left Jae-an suffering all day from anxiety and fear of abandonment. Unable to hold back the tears, he finally hiccupped, and Seo Jae-rim pulled him close, patting his back.

“How could I abandon you? I don’t even know how to do that.”

“Maybe… maybe you don’t. But Mom, Mom too…”

Mom, who gave him only infinite love, also suddenly…. Jae-an couldn’t bring himself to say more and just bit his lip hard when Seo Jae-rim pulled him back from his embrace and stared directly into his eyes.

“Why are you comparing me to that trash?”

“Sorry.”

The moment Seo Jae-rim’s voice turned cold—he extremely disliked being weighed against others—Jae-an habitually spat out an apology. Yet, unable to overcome his sadness, he murmured in a tearful voice.

“I’m going to… abandon you first.”

“Yes. Do that.”

“I will… first… first…”

Repeating the same words spasmodically, Jae-an breathed in short, ragged gasps as if hyperventilation was imminent. Instead of getting angry at Jae-an’s brazen claim to abandon him first, Seo Jae-rim pulled him close again and endlessly patted his bony back.

“Yes, Hyung, you abandon me first.”

It was a leisure he could afford precisely because he knew Jae-an would never escape from his grasp, no matter what he did.