TVDC 47: Tearful Confession

Qiu Xuning knew he had no right to lecture Zhou Mingmei and the others. After all, they were his elders—even if they had made mistakes, as a junior, it wasn’t his place to say much.

Yet ever since Qiu Zhaozhao told him she wanted to drop out of school to earn money, to Qiu Haiyan’s overwhelming grievances, and now to Zhou Mingmei shamelessly taking advantage of others, the discomfort in Qiu Xuning’s heart had slowly built up and by today, it had reached a breaking point.

Zhou Mingmei and the others had indeed treated him well, but they were just… too harsh toward everyone else. Their way of raising children had serious problems, and all four of their kids had been affected by it to varying degrees.

They say parents are a child’s first teachers. The way parents are will more or less influence their children. Yet they shamelessly displayed all their flaws in front of their children, without even realizing it was wrong, which caused Qiū Hǎiyàn and the others to hold many mistaken views. They were completely unaware that they had even formed some incorrect beliefs about themselves, and then they grew up into adulthood.

Qiu Haiyan and Qiu Shuohai were already adults, but Qiu Zhaozhao was still young. After much reflection, Qiu Xuning gradually came to understand that in a family like this, Qiu Zhaozhao had received very little attention or affection from their parents. Because of that, she remained dependent on them and would, consciously or not, try to please and cater to them. Her desire to drop out of school was, to a large extent, influenced by Zhou Mingmei and the others by their lack of support, their subtle encouragement, and their self-centered imposition of adult responsibilities on a child, which pressured Qiu Zhaozhao into developing a misplaced sense of duty to provide for the family.

This kind of family wasn’t normal, it was even a little distorted.

He cried so hard that his voice broke, choking on his words, yet he still tried his best to speak clearly. “I, I’m really grateful to you all. I’ve never looked down on you but I think a lot of the things you’ve done are wrong.”

“What’s wrong with them?” Zhou Mingmei listened to Qiu Xuning’s words and couldn’t help feeling hurt herself. She had poured so much effort and care into this family, how could she be in the wrong? How could her own son be blaming her?

He Zhiyuan’s warm palm rested gently on Qiu Xuning’s thin back, soothing him with a light, steady touch. That hand seemed to carry a strange, calming energy, slowly easing the turmoil in Qiu Xuning’s heart. Yet the tears still came, spilling endlessly from his eyes and tracing down the curve of his cheeks. His eyes were red, his long thick lashes soaked and clumped together. His voice trembled, thick with sorrow and grievance. “…So many things are wrong. If I were a girl, would you still like me this much?”

Zhou Mingmei was momentarily at a loss for words before she finally said, “Why are you even bringing that up? What does it matter whether you’re a boy or a girl??”

Qiu Xuning lowered his eyes, and as he blinked, more tears spilled from the corners. “I-It does matter. Even though jiejie had good grades, you still made her drop out and work. If I, if I were a girl too, would you have made me work as well?”

In this family, the basic condition for receiving attention and affection turned out to be gender. If he had been born as Qiu Zhaozhao instead, he probably wouldn’t have even been worth a glance from them.

Before Zhou Mingmei could speak, Qiu Xuning sobbed again and said, “This is where it’s wrong. We’re all wrong. Eldest sister and second sister are girls, you didn’t care about them. Eldest sister was good at her studies but never got to keep studying. Second sister was good at her studies too, and still thought about dropping out to work. I’m the only one in the family still going to school. Mom, do you know? I feel like I’m a leech, sucking the nutrients out of them. They could have had such good lives, but I’ve dragged them down. I don’t want this. Every time I think about it, I feel awful. I feel so awful inside.”

Beside him, Qiu Zhaozhao said in a panic, “What does this have to do with you? I’m the one who doesn’t want to study!”

Qiu Xuning’s red-rimmed eyes turned to Qiu Zhaozhao. Those eyes, brimming with tears, carried such deep pain that it felt like a needle piercing straight into Qiu Zhaozhao’s heart. “Jiejie, if you really don’t want to study, then why are you still studying? You work on your homework so seriously every night until eleven or twelve o’clock, is it all just to drop out in the end? If you didn’t want to study, wouldn’t it be easy to just slack off? Tell me, you don’t want to study? Is that really what you feel in your heart?”

Qiu Zhaozhao was struck speechless. Yes, if she truly wanted to drop out and work, would she still be studying so hard? It was because she refused to fall behind, refused to be looked down upon. She kept spending so much time and effort on her studies, all for the sake of proving herself.

The teachers had always told them that studying was the only way out. That most job opportunities required a certain level of education. With only a middle or high school diploma, many paths in life would simply be closed to them.

Some teachers also said that studying wasn’t the only way out, but it was the best one.

After hearing so many examples and stories from those teachers, could it really be that none of it had moved her at all?

Of course not. She was moved, deeply even, but she had other thoughts. The family was poor, terribly poor. Qiu Shuohai still didn’t even have a girlfriend and even if he somehow saved tens of thousands, what good would it do? After paying a down payment, there wouldn’t even be enough left to repay the mortgage. She wanted to help.

As if he could read her mind, Qiu Xuning, still choking on his sobs, went on, “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the family is poor and you need to help. You’re thinking I’m almost in high school, that soon it’ll be college, that in college I’ll start dating, and you want to save money for me, to buy me a house. I… Jiejie, when you do this, it hurts me. You’re you, and I’m me. You’re just my jiejie. I want you to have a good life. I want you to learn how to be selfish, not always thinking about me and our gege.”

Qiu Xuning said, “Jiejie, if you drop out of school, then I don’t want to study anymore either. I don’t need you to do anything for me. You should just focus more on yourself, okay?”

Qiu Zhaozhao’s lips trembled, but no words came out.

He Zhiyuan quietly took a pack of tissues, pulled out a few sheets, and handed them to Qiu Xuning. Qiu Xuning, eyes red, gave him a soft fleeting glance before quickly looking away. He took the tissues and wiped at the seemingly endless tears.

At this point, he could hardly see anyone’s face, his vision was blurred by tears. He felt embarrassed and ashamed of how he couldn’t seem to stop crying. After glancing at Zhou Mingmei a few times, he lowered his eyes again, his voice thick and nasal from crying. “Mom, ever since I was little, you’ve always told jiejie to take good care of me, to give me the better things, and even to start working early so she could pay for my schooling… Mom, when that time comes, I’ll find my own way. I won’t be her burden. You can’t keep asking her to do things for me. I have my own hands and feet. If there’s something I want, I’ll work for it myself. I don’t need her to hand it to me, she doesn’t owe me that.”

Zhou Mingmei opened her mouth and muttered, “What’s so special about that?”

Qiu Xuning lifted his eyes. After crying for so long, they were swollen and red. His voice had grown quieter, gentler. “Mom, she’s your daughter too, just like me. We were both born from you. I would rather you treat us equally than keep being so biased.”

Zhou Mingmei was genuinely surprised. She truly had cared less about her daughters and more about her son, but it was the first time she had seen her youngest stand up for his sisters. A strange, unfamiliar feeling stirred in her heart yet her mouth still tried to defend herself. “Isn’t she studying properly now? I didn’t make her go work anymore either!”

Qiu Xuning turned his head and asked, “Jiejie, are you still going to drop out and work?”

Qiu Zhaozhao’s lips trembled slightly. After a moment, under everyone’s gaze, she pursed her lips and said, “As long as Mom and Dad let me study, I’ll study, okay?”

Qiu Xuning sniffed and said, “No, even if they don’t let you study, you still have to study—whether it means borrowing money or taking out a loan. You have to study. If they don’t let you study, then I won’t study either.”

Qiu Shunming said gruffly from the side, “You’ve really grown bold, now you’re even threatening your parents?”

As soon as he said that, Zhou Mingmei pinched him and snapped, “Say a few less words for me!”

Then she turned to Qiu Xuning and said, “I know, I know! “You’re also someone who cares about your sister, and your sister’s care for you wasn’t wasted!”

She turned her head to ask Qiu Zhaozhao, “Zhaozhao, tell me, do you actually want to keep studying or not?”

Qiu Zhaozhao looked at Qiu Xuning’s flushed face and reddened eyes, and a strange emotion welled up in her heart. For a long time, she had always been the one giving one-sidedly, almost self-sacrificingly—she couldn’t even remember if she had ever received anything in return. Yet lately, Ningning had been so good to her, always thinking of her, and now he was crying for her, speaking up to their parents for her… Qiu Zhaozhao felt as if her heart were soaking in warm water, a pleasant heat spreading through her whole body. Facing Zhou Mingmei’s question, she finally found some courage, licked her lips, and said softly, “I do.”

In the past, she had always been considerate of her parents, saying that she didn’t really like studying and that going to work wasn’t a bad thing either.

The word “want”—she used all her strength for it. She truly wanted it.  She wanted to take that path, the easiest path, to go to university together with her classmates. She didn’t want to be looked down on just because she only finished high school. She wanted to attend university. If she didn’t have hopes for the future, why would she study so hard? Why would she stay up late every night doing her homework herself when she could have just copied from her classmates?

When Qiu Xuning heard her say that, tears were still streaming down his face, yet the corners of his lips curved upward and he began to smile.

He Zhiyuan looked at Qiu Xuning’s face, that smile through tears and those tears within the smile. His gaze seemed unable to move away, growing deep and unreadable.

Qiu Xuning didn’t notice He Zhiyuan’s look. He wiped his tears and, genuinely happy for Qiu Zhaozhao, said to Zhou Mingmei, “Mom, did you hear that? She wants to study. You can’t make her drop out.”

Looking at him like that, Zhou Mingmei’s voice softened a lot. “You’ve been crying this long just for that? You’re acting like a child. Stop crying already. I’ll let her study. She’s not some kid I picked up from the trash, how badly could I possibly treat her?”

Qiu Xuning choked up, sniffled, and said, “Also… Today, let’s not take advantage of anyone. At worst, at worst, I’ll treat you—I have the money.”

Zhou Mingmei didn’t say anything at first. Under Qiu Xuning’s tear-blurred gaze, her heart softened. After a moment, she finally said, “Getting into No. 1 High School is a big deal, how could we not spend some money to celebrate?”

Qiu Xuning broke into a tearful smile. He wiped his dirty face, hesitated for a moment, then said softly, “I never looked down on you. I just want you all to become better, for everyone’s sake. You’re already wonderful, I just hope more people can like you the way I do.”

Zhou Mingmei sighed and said, “Stop crying already…”

Beside her, Qiu Shunming echoed, “Yeah, stop crying. Crying over something this trivial—I don’t even know who you take after.”

Qiu Xuning sniffled, his voice thick with tears, and said, “I don’t want to cry either.”

It had been a long time since he had cried like this, and now He Zhiyuan had seen the whole thing. He didn’t even dare to look at him anymore.