TOW 12

On the last day of 2012, Fu Zichuan invited Xu Fei out for drinks.

The bar was packed. Lights scattered from all directions, casting shadows on the floor like a tangle of grasping limbs. The band in the pit was letting loose, the guitar wailing so hard it sounded like the strings might snap at any moment. Xu Fei leaned against the bar, watching it all, overwhelmed by a strange sense of end-of-the-world euphoria.

Fu Zichuan handed him a beer. “I heard you and Wang Mian broke up.”

Xu Fei had no idea where he got that info from. Sometimes he even suspected Fu Zichuan had planted a bug on him.

“I was never actually with him,” Xu Fei said.

Fu Zichuan shrugged. “I’m just saying, Wang Mian seemed like a decent guy.”

Xu Fei let out a dry chuckle. “So you asked me out just to talk about Wang Mian?”

He lifted his head, downed the rest of his beer in one go, then turned to wave the bartender over. Fu Zichuan mumbled something under his breath, then leaned in beside Xu Fei.

“I’m homeless,” he said. “My ex went to stay at my aunt’s place.”

Xu Fei raised an eyebrow. “Your ex went to your aunt’s?”

“Yeah. He always goes there on New Year’s Eve,” Fu said. “Even after we broke up. Bring gifts and everything.”

Xu Fei wanted to say, Sounds like he’s trying to win you back. But he didn’t have to. Fu Zichuan already added, “It’s just desperate clinging.”

“What’s wrong with desperate clinginess?” Xu Fei teased.

Fu Zichuan scrunched up his nose and raised his voice over the music. “If it’s someone I like, it’s romantic. If it’s someone I don’t like, it’s clueless, annoying, and creepy.”

Xu Fei laughed and shook his head.

“You’re such a hypocrite,” he said. “A shameless double-standard dog.”

They got drunk together. Fu Zichuan even jumped into the dance floor and slow-danced with a girl, cheek to cheek. Xu Fei stood off to the side clapping and laughing, the alcohol rushing to his head, making him stagger, but he was having the time of his life.

By the time he got home, it was already the early hours of the first day of 2013. He fumbled with his keys for a long while, his hands trembling as he finally managed to unlock the door. He had just shrugged off his coat when something seized in his chest, a wave of nausea rising sharp and bitter in his throat. He rushed to the bathroom and threw up until his head spun.

“Fuck…” he muttered, clinging to the toilet, his body limp and on the verge of collapsing.

It took a while before he came to. He forced himself upright, flushed the toilet, then plunged his face into the sink and let the water run over him, gulping and splashing again and again.

When he finally looked up, his entire head was soaked. Drops of water slid down his chin, soaking into the collar of his sweater and sending sharp, uncomfortable chills through his skin.

Xu Fei stripped off his clothes, grabbed a towel, and started drying his hair as he walked into the living room to message Fu Zichuan.

You asshole, he typed, in the most polite tone possible. Don’t ever ask me out drinking again. Next time I’ll pin you to the bed and fuck you until your ass gives out.

A few seconds later, Fu Zichuan replied with just three words.

Think you can?

Xu Fei blocked him on the spot.

He went into the kitchen and made himself a strong cup of tea. The bitterness made him scrunch up his face, but he drank it anyway, then dropped into a chair with a heavy sigh.

His phone kept vibrating. Fu Zichuan was sending friend requests again and again. Xu Fei ignored them. A few other friends had sent him New Year’s greetings. He replied quickly. He told Lao Pang he would keep doing theater next year, and told Cai Jiajun he would visit him in Dongning sometime.

When he scrolled to the bottom of the chat list, he suddenly saw Liang Xuan’s profile picture. Right beneath it was the address Xu Fei had once sent him.

December 29, 2011.

Xu Fei stared at the screen, zoning out for a long moment.

Then his phone buzzed violently again. Fu Zichuan was still relentlessly sending friend requests.

Snapping out of it, Xu Fei reached up and wiped a hand across his face. A sudden wave of exhaustion washed over him.

Fu Zichuan was now calling. Xu Fei put it on speaker.

On the other end, Fu Zichuan was shouting like a drunk lunatic. “Xu Fei…ah!”

He hung up the call and tapped into the chat with Liang Xuan. The cursor blinked in the input bar for a long time, but he couldn’t think of a single message to send.

Happy New Year?

He let out a dry laugh at himself, closed the chat, and powered off his phone.

The Spring Festival of 2013 came with heavy snow. When Xu Fei woke up, everything outside the window was blinding white. From downstairs came the faint sounds of children cheering, and the muffled thuds of snow hitting people as they played.

He yawned, pulled the blanket closer, and lazily rolled over in bed.

—

While he was outside shoveling snow, a WeChat message came in from Fu Zichuan. Xu Fei had ended up re-adding him after all.

“Full Throttle is out now.”

Of course Xu Fei knew it was out. The movie was everywhere these days. Even the community bulletin board at his parents’ apartment complex had posters. Liang Xuan and Zhang Jin stood cool and striking on either side, with a blazing red race car parked between them.

“Wanna go see it together?” Fu Zichuan messaged again. “My treat.”

Xu Fei replied, “Not going.” Then he went back inside after clearing the snow and curled up under the heater.

His mom brought him a bowl of hot tangyuan. He took a bite, and the steaming sweet red bean filling spilled out, so sugary his whole face scrunched up.

“Nothing beats having a mom,” he said dramatically, collapsing onto the sofa with the bowl in hand.

His mom shot him a look. “Watch it. Don’t spill soup on the cushions.” She then brought over a plate of fruit for him.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the front door. She went to open it and found Fu Zichuan standing there, immediately thrusting a bright red gift box into her arms.

“Happy New Year, Auntie!” Fu Zichuan beamed. His voice was all honey. “It’s only been a while, but you’re looking younger than ever!”

She took the gift box, grinning from ear to ear. “Xiao Fu, you’re here. Happy New Year.”

She had always liked Fu Zichuan, thought he was full of life, sweet-talking, and not at all like the one slouched on the couch who never seemed to be doing anything useful. “Come in, come in.”

Fu Zichuan slipped inside and immediately caught Xu Fei’s sharp glare, as if he were staring down a mortal enemy.

“I’m just here to drag Xu Fei out for a bit,” he said, sneaking a quick, exaggerated face at him before turning to Xu Fei’s mom. “Liang Xuan’s new movie is out, right? Everyone’s saying it’s great, so I figured I’d take him with me to check it out.”

Xu Fei’s mom nodded quickly. “The one with Zhang Jin, right?” She turned and called out, “Go change your clothes.”

Xu Fei groaned from the couch. “Mom, I already told him I’m not going.”

Her eyebrows shot up. Seeing this, Fu Zichuan immediately jumped in to stir the pot. “Auntie, I’m just saying, Xu Fei stays home all day like he’s in confinement or something.”

Xu Fei’s mom let out a snort of laughter, but then straightened her face and said to Xu Fei, “You hear that? Xiao Fu came all the way here to get you. Get moving.”

Reluctantly, Xu Fei grabbed his jacket and followed Fu Zichuan out the door. As soon as they rounded the corner of the house, he jabbed an elbow into Fu Zichuan’s side. Fu Zichuan yelped in pain.

“Mercy, mercy,” he gasped. “I admit I was wrong.”

The theater was packed. They had arrived a little late, and the screening room was already nearly full. A low hum of conversation buzzed all around them. When the film began, the room fell into sudden silence.

The sound of engines roared through the speakers, and a line of race cars came bursting out from the depth of the screen.

It was a classic genre film. Liang Xuan played a young and talented race car driver who, at the start, was framed by several rivals and lost his eligibility to compete. After that, he drifted through different leagues, even traveling far to the Empire.

Through countless hardships, he eventually made it back onto the track and won the championship.

Zhang Jin played the daughter of Liang Xuan’s coach. At first, she clashed with him constantly. But after traveling with him from place to place, their relationship gradually shifted. Feelings developed, and when Liang Xuan finally won the league championship, she rushed onto the podium and kissed him in front of the flashing cameras.

The scene froze there, surrounded by a cheering crowd, Zhang Jin stood on tiptoe with both arms around Liang Xuan’s neck. Liang Xuan bent slightly, one arm around her waist, the other holding the trophy high. His profile was impossibly handsome.

Xu Fei couldn’t help but stare at the screen for a while. It wasn’t until the image faded to black and the credits began to roll across the screen that he stretched and said to Fu Zichuan, “Let’s go.” He stood up.

But just then, a commotion stirred near the front.

In the dimly lit theater, the lights suddenly flared to full brightness. A group of people entered from the side door, filing in and standing beneath the big screen.

Xu Fei hadn’t even seen them clearly yet when a girl in front screamed, “Liang Xuan! It’s Liang Xuan!”

His heart gave a heavy thump, and his breathing sped up without warning. He looked again, and sure enough, it was Liang Xuan, wearing a simple sweater and jeans, tall boots on his feet, standing straight and composed.

He didn’t look much different from last year. Maybe his hair had grown a bit longer. It was messy, falling in loose layers, as if he’d just woken up and hadn’t bothered to fix it.

Zhang Jin stood next to him in heels, still looking small and delicate by comparison. A moment later, she turned her head, said something to Liang Xuan, and then burst into a soft laugh.

Her smile was especially beautiful, with two dimples on her cheeks, sweet like they were filled with wine. Xu Fei looked at her, his heartbeat gradually slowing, yet the hand in his pocket trembled ever so slightly.

The host came over with a mic. A few more security guards stepped up to form a line and keep the crowd back. Liang Xuan took the mic and quietly said, “Hello, everyone,” before handing it over to Zhang Jin. But the crowd was already erupting into a wave of cheers and excitement.

Fu Zichuan stared, stunned. “I didn’t hear anything about them doing a promo stop in Pinghai.” He turned to Xu Fei. “Did Liang Xuan mention it to you?”

Xu Fei flipped him the finger. “We’re not close.”

Fu Zichuan gave him a look full of contempt. “Look at you. Waste of a perfectly good connection. You had front row access.”

Xu Fei couldn’t be bothered to answer.

The cast answered a few fan questions. Then someone asked Liang Xuan and Zhang Jin, “Are you two planning to get married?”
Liang Xuan didn’t respond, but Zhang Jin gave a mysterious little smile, which instantly made the crowd erupt in giddy whispers.

Xu Fei turned away and muttered to Fu, “Let’s go.”

“Huh?” Fu Zichuan said. “We’re not staying for the end? We might be able to snag an autograph or something. Throw it on Taobao, maybe make a few hundred.”

But Xu Fei was already on his feet.
They’d been sitting toward the back, and most of the crowd had surged forward, so the space around them was pretty open and easy to move through. Xu Fei made it to the aisle in a few quick steps. Fu caught up, grumbling, “What, you got a firecracker up your ass?”

Once they got outside, they walked together through the cold. After a while, Fu Zichuan said, “You don’t need to be jealous of him. Sometimes people just lack a bit of luck.”

He looked at Xu Fei seriously, with a rare touch of sincerity. “I think your acting is amazing.”

Xu Fei’s steps slowed slightly. A bitter smile tugged at his lips.

“Thanks,” he said to Fu Zichuan.

In late March, Lao Pang got Xu Fei a supporting role in a miniseries. It was produced by Qiyi Cable and titled Verdant Green, a story about police corruption.

Xu Fei played a small-time gang leader who had connections with the local police. He wasn’t entirely without conscience, and after meeting the main character, he tried to come clean as a key witness. But before he could testify, he was caught in a robbery while buying cigarettes at a convenience store and was shot in the head.

It was a strange role. A twisted childhood had shaped his dark and complicated mind. He fell for someone good and wanted to prove he could change. He wasn’t exactly good or bad. He simply acted on what he believed in.

Xu Fei read the script and really liked it.

The shoot lasted more than four months. He stayed on to record voiceovers and reshoots. By the time he got back to Pinghai, it was already October.

He arrived on a night flight. The wind outside was cold and sharp. He sneezed three times in a row as he stepped out of the elevator. The quiet hallway was dim, the light dragging his shadow long across the floor.

“You caught a cold?”

Xu Fei looked up in shock. Liang Xuan was standing at his front door, wearing a ridiculous baseball cap with the brim pulled low. Even so, those deep, bright eyes were still clearly visible.

For a moment, Xu Fei felt like someone had punched him hard in the chest. Pain exploded behind his ribs, and his breath caught in his throat like he was about to suffocate.

“You…” Xu Fei started, then quickly shut his mouth. He stepped forward, unlocked the door, grabbed Liang Xuan by the wrist, and pulled him inside.

The door slammed shut with a heavy thud, loud enough to sound like it might break off the frame.

Liang Xuan frowned, glanced back at the poor wooden door, then looked at Xu Fei.

“Bad mood?” he asked.

Xu Fei looked at him in astonishment. After a pause, he let go, stepped back, and rubbed his face. “You’ll be seen.”

He didn’t ask why Liang Xuan had come.

But Liang Xuan said anyway, “I just got here too.”

His tone was sincere and innocent, as if Xu Fei were the one being unreasonable.

Xu Fei pressed his lips together and glared at him. After a long moment, he shook his head, let out a short laugh, and turned to walk into the kitchen. He took off his jacket and began making tea.

Liang Xuan followed behind, standing quietly at the kitchen doorway.

Once Xu Fei had poured the water and stood there with his head down, waiting for it to cool, Liang Xuan finally spoke.

“I broke up with Zhang Jin.”