Chapter 18

Erik didn’t know that walking from the entrance of the climbing gym to the apartment upstairs could be such a difficult task. The moment the glass door closed behind them, the two of them eagerly embraced, letting their lips go where they wanted to go; the corridor and stairs leading to the apartment became an endlessly long path, especially the steps that seemed infinite, stumbling and turning, making them dizzy.

They were still kissing when they entered the room. Both of them were panting, their steps a bit unsteady.

“Now we need to take a shower first,” Erik said, continuing to kiss Felix. He could hardly tear his lips away from him. “You use the bathroom in Fritz’s room, I’ll use the other one,” he said intermittently.

“To get dirty later, we need to get clean first,” Felix said with a laugh. He nimbly slipped out from under Erik’s arm and disappeared behind the door of another room.

Erik took a quick shower, washed his hair, and hastily dried himself. He only put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt before rushing to his bedroom to change the sheets and pillowcases. The night before, they had made a mess of the sheets, even though they had mostly used condoms. Erik forcefully pulled the sheets off the mattress and piled them on the floor.

He smoothed out a new sheet and put on a clean duvet cover. The pillowcases looked clean—Erik took a deep breath of the pillow, and many scenes and feelings from the night came flooding back, making his face flush. He quickly considered it and decided to change the pillowcases anyway, throwing the old one into the closet. Then he grabbed the dirty sheets and duvet cover, ran barefoot to the storage room, and stuffed all the bedding into the washing machine there.

After finishing all this, he returned to the room, drew the curtains, and sat down on the bed to wait for Felix. The bedroom door was open, and from his angle, he could see the bathroom door across the way—but he soon couldn’t stand staring at that door anymore, so he lay down on the bed, facing the other side.

…He didn’t know why Felix needed to take so long in the shower. Erik’s heart was burning, his body unbearably hungry, wanting to rush into the bathroom and drag Felix out immediately, but also feeling embarrassed, thinking he was being ridiculous. He couldn’t remember ever being so consumed by desire, as if the lower part had completely replaced the upper part of his brain—he used to think that was just an exaggerated description, but now he knew it could really happen, where you couldn’t think of anything else but that one thing.

He thought about the previous night. The first time ended almost immediately, it was downright embarrassing: they were both still wearing clothes. Just some rubbing, then Felix reached in, and within a few strokes, Erik completely fell apart. He had never been that fast before—he hoped today wouldn’t start the same way. His ears burned at the thought.

The second time was better, but not by much. Felix taught him how to pleasure himself on each other’s thighs—he seemed to say something about Achilles*, but Erik didn’t remember. All he remembered was Felix starting to pant and moan, that sound made him completely forget where he was. By the time he came to his senses again, the condom was already filled with fluid. The only consolation was that this time it wasn’t just him.

After that, they lay quietly together for a while, kissing and caressing each other from time to time. At some point, he got hard again, and then Felix took him into his mouth.

…Erik let out a low moan, burying his face in the pillow. Just recalling that moment made him instantly hard enough to drill through a wall.

The third time was almost as fast as the first. It just didn’t feel as embarrassing: Felix’s lips and tongue were incredibly skilled, Erik thought no one in the world could last long under such circumstances. When the climax hit, his brain completely blanked out, and he saw large patches of shadows.

Next, he tried to provide the same service for Felix. He had no experience, was clumsy, and at first seemed to get everything wrong. He even suspected he was making Felix uncomfortable and almost wanted to give up, but eventually, he succeeded. It was a strange, unparalleled experience: he didn’t know that just serving the other person could make him so excited. Bringing Felix to that out-of-control, wonderful peak, feeling his body tremble, was a completely different dimension of climax. This new realization excited him so much that he soon released for the fourth time in Felix’s hand—this was the main culprit for the mess on the sheets.

After that, Felix lay on his shoulder and softly said, “I’m sorry, I’m afraid that’s all we can do today.” His first reaction was astonishment: if this kind of sex still needed an apology, then what were his previous experiences? He must have asked that out loud. Then he remembered Felix shaking his head with a smile and explaining a few things. “This is fine,” he finally said. “In the future, you can justify it by saying you didn’t go all the way, so you’re not gay, and you can still return to the right path.”

This made him a bit annoyed. “What if I don’t want to return?”

“In that case,” he sighed, “I would feel guilty, like maybe I did something wrong by pulling you into a situation that’s not so good, I’m very sorry…”

“Don’t say that,” he interrupted. “Never say you’re sorry for this. I love you.”

He froze; the words just flowed out without warning or hindrance, as if someone had manipulated his tongue. He felt Felix’s body tense up in his arms, motionless. He immediately regretted it.

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. “…I didn’t mean that.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it,” Felix said with a slight smile.

And then the conversation ended.

…Erik’s hands gripped the sheets tightly. He didn’t know how he should think or understand this. Felix had only been in his life for a few days, but it felt like a long time—so long that he seemed to have forgotten life without him. Every minute with Felix felt unreal: too many emotions were mixed in, making all memories unreliable. A crazy, chaotic, irrational, intoxicating dream.

He sat up on the bed, staring at the open door.

The bathroom door moved and opened. Felix appeared there, walking barefoot toward the room. He was wearing a light beige round-neck shirt and athletic shorts. A few strands of blond hair were wet and stuck to his forehead and neck.

Part of Erik wanted to jump up and run over to hug him. But he sat there, unmoving. He stared intently as Felix walked toward him.

He might be dreaming, and he didn’t want to wake up.

Felix walked to the edge of the bed and sat down not far from him. Erik suddenly felt timid and reached out to touch Felix’s hand resting on the side, as if confirming that the other person was a real entity there. Felix responded by holding his hand. The gentle touch between their fingers reassured him a bit. So he gripped his hand tighter and moved closer.

His arm wrapped around Felix’s back, letting his head rest on his shoulder. He felt the other person let out a soft breath there.

“You were gone for so long,” he heard himself say.

“I think I was a bit nervous,” Felix said.

Erik felt himself trembling a bit. He didn’t know what to say, so he just held Felix tighter.

“If you want, I can do something else to help you release,” Felix whispered on his shoulder. “We don’t have to do the full thing.”

“I want to make love to you,” Erik said. “I want to do everything with you.”

Felix lifted his head and looked at him. Then he smiled.

“Erik, do you know that when you look at me like that, you look like a puppy looking at his mean-spirited owner who’s about to throw him out the door?”

“Please,” Erik sighed. “Do you have to joke at a time like this?”

Felix raised a hand to stroke his hair, from his forehead to his ear, finally resting on his neck.

“If you’re too tense, you’ll snap,” he said softly, then leaned in and kissed his lips. A light peck, as gentle as a feather falling on his lips.

Erik’s self-control disintegrated under the weight of that feather. He grabbed Felix and kissed him fiercely. He felt dizzy. The rest of the world quickly faded away around him, leaving only Felix: his soft lips, his breath and trembling, his mesmerizing green eyes like a summer pond—he wished he could drown in them forever, sink to the bottom, and never wake up.

He kissed him. He couldn’t stop. He suspected something in his head or body must have broken, every time he touched Felix it would break, like an overloaded circuit breaker—but his fuse must have blown directly. The current flowed unimpeded from his chest to his whole body, making his heart tighten, his body tremble, his fingers go numb, and his lower part ache from hardness. This feeling was painful, tormenting, and… indescribably wonderful.

He quickly took off his clothes (why did he put them on, he wondered), then started taking off Felix’s clothes (too many clothes). Felix obediently raised his arms to let him pull the round-neck shirt up and off. He saw those scars again. The dim light in the curtained bedroom blurred their colors.

He kissed the scars, kissed every part of his body. His body was so beautiful. Soft skin, warm and moist, with the faint scent of shower gel—he never knew that sweet orange scent could have such an aphrodisiac effect, driving him so wild, just because it was on Felix.

His lips slowly moved downward. Unconsciously, the kisses turned into licks, then into gentle sucking. Felix gasped sharply, his body tensing up under his lips; his fingers gripped Erik’s hair.

Erik stopped. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” he whispered.

“Very comfortable,” Felix said. He took a deep breath. “But you don’t have to do this just to make me happy. I know you’re not used to these things yet.” His fingers gently rubbed Erik’s scalp, making him shiver again.

Erik looked at him eagerly. “I want to do this. Let me do it.”

“If you want to start like this,” Felix said softly. “You can do anything you want.”

Erik took him in. Once again, he heard that soft gasp. He took him deeper, started moving, making the sound louder, more sustained—then with a slight tremble. He loved that sound, loved it so much.

Felix’s breathing quickened, panting, some broken moans escaping his throat, his body trembling—Erik felt he was already close; the thought that it was him bringing these reactions made him burn with desire, both satisfied and hungry. He sped up, sucking him deeper. He clearly remembered everything Felix had done for him the previous night, and now he tried to replicate and recreate them—perhaps not as skillfully, but Felix’s reactions made up for everything.

“…Erik,” he called his name.

He felt Felix’s hands pushing hard on his head, as if trying to push him away; at the same time, the thing in his mouth twitched. He stubbornly held on to it, trapping it in his mouth, wrapping his tongue tightly around the last pulsations.

The hot fluid reached his throat. He instinctively swallowed it—he had only heard of people doing that before but never understood why, but now he knew: because he desperately needed to do it. Not to please the other person, or to show some attitude, but purely out of his own need.

He lifted his head from Felix and looked at those lips, red and tempting. He wanted to kiss them, but hesitated.

“Should I go rinse my mouth now?” he whispered.

Felix smiled.

“No need.”

He sat up and kissed him. The warm, soft tongue lingered between his lips and teeth, then gently bit his lip.

“Don’t think too much,” he heard Felix say between kisses. “Do what you want to do. …Or tell me what you want me to do.”

Erik took his hand and placed it on his hot, hard member.

“I want to enter you, fuck you,” he said bluntly. “But I’m afraid I’ll hurt you…. You’ll have to help me.”

“No problem,” Felix said.

He kissed him again, then reached over to the nightstand to get a condom and a bottle of lube.

“I’ll be on top, controlling the pace, you don’t have to worry about hurting me, just relax—and enjoy,” he said with a slight smile. “How does that sound?”

“Sounds great,” Erik murmured. He was mesmerized by him: Felix’s green eyes had deepened in the dim light of the room, now looking like a deep lake, the bottom leading to another world—a world where sirens and incubi** roamed.

Felix took hold of his member, put on the condom, then applied some lube to it. His fingers were soft and nimble—Erik involuntarily thrust into his hand.

“Patience,” he whispered. “I’ve done some preparation, but we still need to take it slow.”

“I’m in your hands***,” Erik replied.

Felix straddled him, one hand holding the base of his hard member, while his other hand, coated with lube, gently rubbed the soft area below, slowly guiding it into his body. Erik gasped sharply, gripping the sheets beside him—he had to use all his strength to suppress the urge to thrust into Felix’s body all at once. Slowly. He repeated in his mind. Felix had to control the pace.

He felt it moving inside, very slowly—it was so tight, tight to the point where his scalp tingled, his jaw slackened, and he had to swallow the saliva gathering in his mouth from time to time. He placed his hands on Felix’s legs, starting to caress the outer thighs, then the hips and buttocks. Both of their bodies were trembling.

Felix’s head tilted back slightly, closing his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. His body gradually sank, allowing him to go deeper.

Now he was completely inside him. Felix opened his eyes, smiled at him, and leaned down to kiss his lips. Erik kissed him back carefully. He had never kissed in this state before—it felt like it could explode at any moment, holding back with great difficulty, yet extremely aroused.

They stayed still for a while, then he felt Felix’s body relax a bit: he lifted his upper body, placed his hands on Erik’s arms, and began to move slowly, rhythmically up and down.

…God. This was so good. Erik thought dazedly. He had thought the previous night was the best sexual experience he could have: it was indeed wonderful, but compared to this moment, it paled in comparison. Part of his body was buried deep inside Felix, feeling his body warmly enveloping him, almost melting him—or maybe he would melt into him. They would become part of each other, merging into one. Every movement, the constantly interwoven breaths, deepened this fusion—a strange, intimate, and sweet fusion.

“Felix,” he blurted out between rapid breaths. “Let me kiss you… I need to kiss you.”

Felix stopped moving, lifted his body, and released the hand that had been supporting his shoulder. Erik sat up and hugged him. Their bodies were still connected. He kissed him fervently, sucking on his lips and tongue, licking the warm, moist inside of his mouth; he wanted to inhale all of his breath into himself.

They continued in this position. The movement in this position was quite limited, only allowing for small motions, but Erik didn’t want to change it for now: this position allowed him to continue kissing Felix, caressing his body, letting their naked skins press tightly against each other. Felix’s erect member pressed against his abdomen, and he could feel its hardness and the sticky pre-cum constantly oozing out.—This made him feel unbelievably good, so good he was dizzy.

He felt the pleasure in his body gradually building up, with those small movements continuously adding to it, slowly approaching the edge, that hunger starting to sharply rub against his nerves. He held Felix tightly, thrusting, wanting more… It still wasn’t enough.

“…Get on top,” Felix gasped, grabbing his shoulders.

He held Felix’s back and laid him down on the bed. Felix wrapped his legs around Erik’s waist, then grabbed a pillow and placed it under his hips.

“Now you take over, fuck me to the end,” he commanded.

Erik looked at him. Felix’s blond hair was wet and stuck to his forehead, indistinguishable whether from the shower or sweat. His eyes were wide open, misty, his lips slightly parted.—Erik felt like his heart had been hit hard by a sharp hammer.

That was the look he had seen on Felix at the top of the climbing wall. Without a doubt, full of lust and desire. It wasn’t his imagination: Felix had wanted him back then.

Erik’s chest tightened, then burned. Before he could think clearly, his body had already acted on its own: he started thrusting into Felix’s body, over and over, faster and faster.

“If it hurts, tell me to stop,” he gasped, not sure if he really could.

Felix’s response was to grab his shoulders tightly. So tight, Erik was sure he would have bruises.

“Fuck me hard, faster, now!”

Erik obeyed. He had no choice. The pressure in his body had reached its limit, he couldn’t think of anything but obeying his desire. Felix’s legs tightly wrapped around his waist, they were already as close as they could be, but they had to be closer—he had to enter him, fill him, thrust into him, penetrate him over and over, turn him inside out.

Then Felix started moaning—moans mixed with screams. A string of disjointed French words spilled from his lips, Erik didn’t understand any of them, but he knew what they meant: Felix’s voice and tone told him unmistakably. He breathed heavily, thrusting with all his might, he knew the peak was near, he had to reach it. That hunger was so urgent and insane, it felt like if he didn’t reach it he would die; and the physical sensations were so intense that it felt like once he reached it, he would immediately collapse and die.

…His abdomen was wet with a stream of fluid. He leaned down and kissed Felix, feeling his body spasming and trembling violently beneath him.

He reached it. He wished time would stop at this moment, let him linger here, savor it a bit longer—then he could die in Felix’s arms, with no regrets.