YCHW Ch 56

“Your Highness. Is it not to your liking?”

When Yoonso finally put down his chopsticks after clattering them about, Court Lady Jo approached and asked cautiously. Her name was Jo Seong-geum, and she was the palace maid of the royal bedchamber who would be serving Yoonso from now on.

It was unbearably burdensome whenever Court Lady Jo, who was much older than he, scrutinized his every reaction and movement. It wasn’t just her; at times, it felt as if every person here was watching him with their heads bowed, making his throat tighten as if he were suffocating.

“It is not that it is not to my liking, but that I cannot seem to eat.”

“Then I shall prepare some sweet refreshments. You must eat at least a little to have strength, must you not?”

Even though this same conversation had been repeating endlessly since his arrival at the palace, Court Lady Jo never once showed a hint of exhaustion or displeasure. Well, she must have spent decades in the palace, so she probably considered something like this to be nothing more than a child’s picky eating.

“I will try to eat plenty for the evening meal.”

He wanted to eat, if only for Court Lady Jo’s sake, but with the state wedding just one day away, his appetite had vanished completely, and he felt as if he would get indigestion. With each passing day, a dark and heavy shadow loomed over his head. The mere thought of his future—of having to become the empress of a nation—made his heart pound, and he wanted only to cry.

The court attendants cleared away the dining table. As he stared blankly at them, Court Lady Jo approached again.

“The weather is quite lovely. How about taking a look around the rear garden?”

“……”

“You have not once stepped outside since your arrival here.”

Had he not? Yoonso looked out the window, feeling dazed. The clear scenery of the rear garden was unfamiliar. It was as if he were looking at another world, detached from this one, which somehow made his body sink more powerlessly.

In truth, he didn’t want to do anything, but he felt sorry for making Court Lady Jo constantly watch him, so he forced himself to get up. At that, a look of delight spread across the face of Court Lady Jo, who always wore the same consistent smile.

As he went outside, warm sunlight poured over his eyes. Yoonso, blinking from the brightness, took a slow step forward.

The sound of birds chirping came from somewhere. The scenery outside was beautiful and peaceful. Though he still felt no particular emotion, inhaling the fresh air seemed to clear his head.

After a slow walk around the rear garden, he stopped in front of a pond. Small fish swam about, their tail fins swishing gently. They must have been well cared for, as every single one was plump. Their color was a beautiful and lovely reddish-gold, and Yoonso spoke without thinking.

“What are these fish called?”

“They are called geumeo.”

“Geumeo… I assume it is written with the character for gold, geum 金?”

“Yes.”

“It suits them.”

“How about you try feeding them?”

“Feed them?”

When he turned around, intrigued, Court Lady Jo had a court attendant quickly bring some food. Yoonso was handed some oil-seed cakes, which he broke off into small pieces and tossed into the pond. The goldfish immediately swarmed over in a rush, their mouths opening and closing. The sight was so fascinating and amusing that the corners of Yoonso’s mouth turned up into a smile on their own.

“Please sit comfortably and feed them.”

Yoonso sat on the folding stool Court Lady Jo had prepared for him and fed the fish. He found amusement in breaking up the oil-seed cakes and was scattering them over the pond for a while when he suddenly lifted his head.

“But won’t they get sick if I give them this much?”

“This much is fine. I am only concerned that those creatures will be unable to forget Your Highness for allowing them to feast after so long.”

Could fish remember his face? Although it was a roundabout way of telling him to stop, Court Lady Jo’s way of thinking was amusing, and a laugh escaped him.

Yoonso pulled back the hand that had been feeding them, and his smile suddenly faded. It was strange that he, who just a moment ago had not even eaten properly and had thought he didn’t want to do anything, was now laughing so casually. Tears threatened to burst forth unexpectedly, and Yoonso blinked, fidgeting endlessly with the bowl of oil-seed cakes.

How much time had passed? By the time his tear ducts had run completely dry, the goldfish that had gathered had dispersed, and a gentle breeze rustled the ends of his sleeves. As he was handing the oil-seed cakes back to Court Lady Jo, he sensed a court attendant approaching from behind.

What passed from the court attendant’s hands to Court Lady Jo was a rice cake. One rice cake was much like another, he supposed, but its somewhat familiar appearance caught his eye.

“It is a chestnut rice cake, Your Highness.”

“Ah…”

“Your Highness’s * personal attendant informed me that Your Highness was fond of these chestnut rice cakes.”

“Yeondeok did?”

“Yes. Thus, I inquired about the recipe from your family and had them made, so please have a taste and see how it is.”

Yeondeok was undergoing separate training to prepare him for life in the palace. Yoonso was always worried about whether the training was too harsh or if he was adapting well. Although he had heard from Court Lady Jo on the first day that Yeondeok was doing well…

“It is said that he also ate one and was pleased, saying the taste was similar.”

Court Lady Jo added, as if sensing Yoonso’s concern. Only then did Yoonso pick up a chestnut rice cake and put it in his mouth. As he chewed slowly, the plain yet sweet flavor that scattered within was so familiar that a sigh of wonder escaped him.

It tasted truly good. The familiar taste brought on a wave of nostalgia. Come to think of it, even in that house that felt like a prison, there had been things he liked.

From Yeondeok, who always stayed by his side, to these chestnut rice cakes that had satisfied his hunger, the wildflower growing crookedly in the middle of a wall, the black dog that would slip in before the servants could catch it and pester him for food, the tranquility of a certain midday…

Is that so. Will I end up finding things I like here as well? Yoonso, holding the barely bitten chestnut rice cake, looked around at the scenery of the rear garden once more before his lips twitched.

There was something he wanted to ask, but he could not bring himself to say it easily. But emotions that festered like a boil were bound to burst at the slightest touch.

“Did… His Majesty command it?”

He was curious whether that man cared for him in the slightest, whether even a single word from him had been attached to this chestnut rice cake on its way to him, and a sense of self-loathing surged at his own pathetic curiosity. The contradiction between the desire to hear and the desire not to hear clashed weakly.

“His Majesty’s heart is always directed toward this place.”

An indescribable emotion boiled up at Court Lady Jo’s affirmation. It was neither joy nor sorrow. Not wanting to reveal this conflict and these thoughts, he struggled to compose his expression and gripped the hem of his clothes, but Court Lady Jo continued.

“However, the hearts of everyone here are also for Your Highness.”

Court Lady Jo was a person who valued principles and was strict, but at the same time, she was this kind. Yoonso turned his head and took in the court attendants standing guard behind him.

“In the palace… I have heard that the fate of the court attendants depends on their master.”

If he did not do well, it could harm the court attendants. And would it be only the court attendants? Below the empress’s throne were countless subjects. He was not confident that he could do well. How could he navigate this path with a heart so wavering and unable to find its way?

He was simply terrified of his circumstances, having been elevated to the position of empress overnight. Several times a day, he wanted to run away; he wanted to go find Hwi without a second thought, grab him by the collar, and fly into a rage.

It was in that moment that the hand holding the chestnut rice cake dropped.

“Just as family members who eat from the same pot share their joys and sorrows, are we not the same?”

A voice, much softer and more benevolent, entered Yoonso’s turbulent heart and scattered his stray thoughts. Family. Family. Yoonso looked over the faces of the court attendants who would be with him even after he ascended to the empress’s throne and moved palaces.

“Your Highness. This nine-gated palace is vast and at times harsh, so it is a difficult thing to come to love it from the bottom of your heart. However, this is also a place where people live, so where there is anger, there is also joy, and where there is sorrow, there is also pleasure. We humble servants wish to become beings who share those things with Your Highness.”

The young court attendants standing at the far end caught his eye. They were so small and youthful, yet they were fulfilling their duties in their positions. He suddenly asked himself what they must have felt seeing the meals that were left uneaten every time.

He didn’t know what the court attendants surmised about the matter of his palace entry date being postponed. If they knew about his escape attempt, he would be unable to show his face, but if he harbored shame, would they not harbor anxiety?

Yoonso looked down at the half-eaten chestnut rice cake. He put it in his mouth and chewed it thoroughly, reflecting on the reality that had been laid bare of emotion and idle thoughts.

He could not go back now, nor could he run away again. There were people looking at him, staying by his side. Whatever the case, the place he was in was this very imperial palace.

So he couldn’t just sit here and throw tantrums like a child forever. At the very least… he may not know about other things, but he had to fulfill the duty he was given. If not, his struggles until now, and all the twists and turns it took to get here, would all become useless, and he did not want to turn his life into such futile dust.

As soon as what was in his mouth was gone, he picked up another rice cake and ate it. With a calm and composed expression, Yoonso gazed at the unchangingly peaceful scenery of the rear garden and finally emptied the bowl.