YCHW Ch 59

Even when facing eyes blooming with hatred, Hwi was unperturbed. He rose again and sat on the bed, grasping Yoonso’s shoulders.

“How could you be a flower?”

“……”

“You are not a flower, but a bamboo. Who would dare to break you?”

After finally breaking him and seating him here, he was now describing him as an existence that could not be broken. Hwi’s thumb gently caressed Yoonso’s shoulder. The touch lingered long like a regret before it fell away.

Presently, Hwi lowered his hand and slipped his fingers between Yoonso’s clenched fists. Only then did Yoonso realize that he had been gripping the bedsheets tightly, trembling. Hwi gently unfurled Yoonso’s fingers, making him release the cloth, and then laid him down.

The hand patting his chest was no different from what he remembered, and he wanted to collapse. He was still so gentle and kind, and thus, heartless. The cruel tenderness pushed Yoonso into a corner, breaking him down bit by bit.

When he simply closed his eyes, Hwi got up after a short while. The last candle that had been illuminating the room was also extinguished, and complete darkness fell.

Yoonso lifted his eyelids and stared at Hwi, who was visible only as a silhouette. He thought it would be miserable if Hwi held him. But now that Hwi was not holding him, this too was miserable.

Am I not needed yet? Or is it that he is offended because I talked back to him? Gentleman, my foot. Coward. Without even asking for my understanding. Without even offering an excuse like, there was a reason I couldn’t help it.

If Hwi were to explain, whatever the reason or circumstances may be, would he be able to understand? While he wished for him to confess everything, on the other hand… he didn’t know. Would anything change, no matter what he said? Was he also maintaining his silence with that thought? Because nothing would change anyway?

A sob welled up in his throat, and Yoonso squeezed his eyes shut. If only he could go back to that first night that had been nothing but sweet, to the Hwi of that night and himself, he felt he could do anything. But the place he had reached was a path of no return. Along with the soaring sobs, he forced himself to swallow his futile regrets.

The man, whose presence was strongly felt even though he was unseen, was still keeping his place. Even though they were in the same space, their hearts were in separate places, so the night passed so slowly that its flow could be clearly felt.

𓇢𓆸

Yoonso checked and adjusted his official attire over and over again. Skilled court attendants had dressed him, so there should have been no flaws, yet perhaps due to his extreme nervousness, he could not put his mind at ease.

“You are lovely even without being so anxious.”

“What are you saying…”

Yoonso, about to unconsciously throw a rebuke at Hwi for his careless words when there were many ears to hear, snapped his mouth shut. Time is truly a frightening thing. He had almost acted toward the emperor as he used to, as if nothing had ever happened.

Though his tension did not ease, Hwi, who had appeared out of nowhere, made him lock up his heart in a different way. Yoonso calmly composed his expression and turned away. After a final check of his attire, he went outside to find a palanquin waiting.

“Why is there only one?”

“I do not care for palanquins as they are stuffy, so only you need to ride.”

“Then I also…”

“The palace is needlessly large, so it is better to get used to the palanquin. There is no need to exhaust your energy before you have even paid your respects, is there?”

He had experienced for himself just how vast the imperial palace was, and with watchful eyes around, he could not ignore his suggestion, so he got into the palanquin.

The sensation of his view rising as the palanquin was lifted was not very pleasant. Yoonso gripped the armrest and glanced at the court ladies walking behind the palanquin. Hwi walked alongside the palanquin, and the picture did not look very good.

“What is so uncomfortable?”

“…Is it not uncomfortable that a man with perfectly good limbs is going along comfortably by himself?”

Hwi glanced lightly around and replied.

“Where is there a man here?”

“…Pardon?”

“You are my consort-husband, so you cannot be a man to anyone, and no one can be a man or a woman to you.”

The gaze that flowed over so nonchalantly was almost tenacious, as if to hold Yoonso captive. Yoonso could not hide a baffled laugh.

“The law of gender disappears just because we held one wedding. The state wedding is truly a remarkable thing.”

He had retorted sarcastically without a moment for deeper thought, but Hwi merely held a gentle smile. But that smile even seemed genuinely amused, and whereas in the past he would have shot back a sharp remark, Yoonso chose to keep his mouth firmly shut.

With Hwi by his side, he kept expending mental energy, which was exhausting. Yoonso turned his gaze away and took in the passing scenery of the imperial palace.

As he scanned the similar yet different pavilions visible over the walls, the decorative figurines on the roof ridges, and the patterns carved into the stone walls, the Empress Dowager’s residence, Junan Palace, was drawing near.

His mouth went dry, and his fingertips stiffened with renewed tension. It was his first time paying respects since entering the palace, and not only was it a meeting with Hwi’s mother, but if she knew about his escape, she was unlikely to be entirely pleased, so he could not help but worry.

In this moment, Yoonso glanced at the only person he could rely on. Hwi, perhaps feeling his gaze, looked back at Yoonso.

“What is uncomfortable now?”

“It is not that…”

“Yes?”

“Before I meet Her Majesty the Empress Dowager, what should I be careful of…”

He had asked Court Lady Jo, but she had only given him general advice, so it hadn’t been very helpful. From what he had heard before, assuming it wasn’t also a lie, Hwi didn’t seem to be very close to the Empress Dowager, but as her biological son, it must be different.

“You only need to remember one thing. Whatever my royal mother says, let it go in one ear and out the other.”

Yoonso’s fist, which had been clenched with attention, slowly relaxed. A strange piece of advice he had not expected at all made his brow furrow.

Whether it was advice to ignore the Empress Dowager if she disliked him and said harsh things, or advice not to be so nervous and on edge, it was, in any case, something he could not possibly follow.

How could he dare to let the Empress Dowager’s words go in one ear and out the other? His heart only grew more troubled for no reason, and Yoonso had to swallow a deep sigh.

When they reached Junan Palace and he got out of the palanquin, Hwi extended his hand. Yoonso looked at the approaching fingertips for a moment before taking his hand and getting up.

A eunuch of Junan Palace announced the arrival of the Emperor and the Empress. A tremor followed every step, and Yoonso could not distinguish between the sound of his footsteps and his heartbeat. When he finally stood before the seated Empress Dowager, he managed to put a faint smile on his lips.

“Were you well last night?”

“Yes. You too, Your Majesty, seem to be in good health.”

After the Empress Dowager and Hwi exchanged brief greetings, Yoonso realized it was his turn and bowed his head deeply.

“This Little Husband is in the presence of Her Majesty the Empress Dowager. May the dragon’s protection be with you.”

“Hmm. You look tired. It must be that everything is unfamiliar and awkward, as it has not been long since you entered the palace.”

“It is something I must naturally endure to serve His Majesty, so I am only grateful for this as well.”

“From now on, the Empress will be very busy, so there is no need to go out of your way to come here and pay respects.”

“I cannot…”

“If you are going to wear a face like a lamb being dragged to the slaughterhouse, that is.”

At the chilly voice, Yoonso’s cheeks turned white. The piercing eyes fixed on him seemed to strip him bare coldly.

As I thought, if she knows all about my escape, it is only natural that she is displeased with me. He had tried to accept it humbly and had prepared his heart, but what he had imagined on his own and having it confirmed were two entirely different things.

Yoonso swallowed a dry gulp and clenched the hem of his clothes. He was about to reply, raising the corners of his slightly trembling lips even higher.

“Royal Mother.”

A low, dry voice cut through the frozen air.

“It is problematic if you take out your anger on my consort-husband.”

Take out your anger…? He thought that the Empress Dowager could certainly misunderstand his nervousness and that it was a scolding an elder of the imperial family could rightfully give, but to call it taking out her anger, he found Hwi, rather, hard to understand. Yoonso glanced at Hwi with a nervous heart.

“Lest you be confused, let me inform you that this person is mine.”

A smile, as sharp and brittle as a cliff worn down by all the winds and storms of the world, bloomed on the Empress Dowager’s lips.

“Yes. Since Your Majesty is also a man, how could I not know?”

The air between Hwi and the Empress Dowager grew so taut it was like a rope being pulled tight from both sides, and Yoonso wanted to cry. He did not want the mother and son’s relationship to be strained because of him. Yoonso hurriedly opened his mouth.

“This Little Husband has many foolish aspects, so it is natural for Her Majesty the Empress Dowager to be concerned. How could I not know your heart, which is as vast as the sea? I will strive to improve with all haste and become a person befitting my position.”

A steady gaze fell on Yoonso. The sharp-edged look softened, and her eyes seemed to split into complex branches and scatter into strands. The Empress Dowager, who looked young enough to be believed if one said she had just turned forty, suddenly seemed to have aged into an old woman, and Yoonso bit back his bewilderment.

“I hope you do.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“I am tired from having slept poorly. It would be proper for me to entertain you further, but it would be best for you two to rest today as well.”

The Empress Dowager’s words did not seem to be an excuse, so Yoonso withdrew with a troubled heart.